This week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I’m tired of typing already. But because of my love for you guys I’ll press ahead. Let’s take a look inside Meltyface Manor.
As we look inside the delightful home we see a family around a dinner table. Dad at the head of the table. Drinking milk with his dinner. Little kiddies on each side. So sweet. Then Mommy KabbagePatch opens her flytrap and screeches “Who around this table has had a vasectomy?”
Uhhh, not me?
Not exactly a Norman Rockwell portrait. I probably just gave some porn producer a sick ass idea. Oops. Anyway, Khloe then continues this lovely discussion by mentioning Meltyface’s penis. And Meltyface fesses up that yes indeedy he has had a nutcracker cause he didn’t want to have anymore kids like Khloe. Khloe protests that he didn’t have her causing KabbagePatch to make this face.
Klucy, jew got son splaining to do!
The conversation dries up quicker than Kp’s ovaries and everyone is texting everyone else. Meltyface does not like this. He is most displeased. He announces that this is why they are going camping and leaving all electronics at home. You know, so when a bear attacks, they won’t be able to call for help.
And we’ll wipe our asses on our bare hands too.
Kob announces that Adrienne’s parents are going to be in town that very weekend so she won’t be able to attend this train wreck. Oh wait! KabbagePatch has an idea. A stupid ridiculous made for tv idea! Have her parent’s come along on this camping trip from hell. Just because they’ve never ever met these people is no reason not to drag them out into the wilderness and subject them to the kAddams family.
I just remembered. My parents died a long time ago.
Meltyface jumps on this bandwagon and says there’s plenty of room. They are small people right? They don’t take up much space. We’ll put them in the overhead. They’ll be fine. Meltyface says the only way for this trip to work is to bring everybody. The more the merrier. Hey why don’t you invite all your Facebook friends too? It’ll be great.
My step daughter did a movie. Maybe you’ve seen it?
Meltyface tells Adrienne’s Mom the wonderful idea and Kris introduces herself.
Have you had your yearly pap smear yet? We could go together.
Meltyface asks if she is an a adventurous spirit and she says sure! Everybody yells yay except for Kob and Adrienne. I’m pretty sure she’s pinching the shit outta Lil’ Elvis under the table.
Make it stop!
Kob tells us that basically his family is kinda trashy and Adrienne’s family is not. Adrienne is mystified as to how this all happened and just wants Kob to save her. Since she seems to have the only common sense in this bunch she pulls Kob by his pee pee into the kitchen and tells him that you just don’t drag people you’ve never met off to the woods in a box on wheels. Ever. Meanwhile at Meltyface Manor, apparently dry humping on the couch beside your step Dad is a common occurrence.
Dude, could ya pass a condom?
Adrienne tells them that her family is “old school”(they have morals). And Kob sums it up nicely by saying her family is from the cul de sac and not the corner. Kourt is aware that her family is a bit “rowdy” but she says “that’s us.” Meaning “suck it”. Then all the girls wrestle Kob to the floor while KabbagePatch pretends she’s a Mom and says “that’s enough.” Not even kidding. And then I see this.
By the way all that., was before the credits even roll. After the credits KabbagePatch is off to the skin doc. She tells us with a semi straight face(hey plastic surgery can’t fix everything) that she’s been thinking of having a “little mini face lift” for a couple of years now. Uh huh. And I’ve been thinking about eating a box of donuts. Lady you’ve had work done and I ain’t got no more donuts.
Yikes! Maybe I do have some donuts!
Instead of jumping into a face lift she has decided to try lazer treatment at a skin rejuvenation center. LOL sounds better than loose skin factory don’t it? They lube her face up, poke her with some numbing stuff and do what they do. She thinks she looks better. But then she goes home and right after Khloe tells her she doesn’t need a face lift she also tells her her neck looks like a turkey.
Gobble gobble gobble!
Oh.My.God. KabbagePatch lowers her voice and tells the girls,” You know who I wish would get a face lift? Bruce.” Kim jumps in and says “I feel like it’s to fix what they did before.” Oh man, that’s cold. It’s one thing for me to call him Meltyface, he’ll never read this shit (In case ya do…oopsy.) But for his own family to talk like that? KabbagePatch says “He’s always had low self esteem.” Well hell I wonder why?
KabbagePatch tells us that when Meltyface went to have his nose done years ago, they botched it and had to do it again. Then talked him into doing even more and they went too far. Meltyface explains. “It was 1984, just went through my second divorce. Lost millions.” And he continues by saying basically he was sad and lonely and went to have the hook taken out of his snoz , what the media referred to as “The Bob Hope ski jump nose.”
He says he also had a little lift and he’s caught hell ever since. Why doesn’t anyone ever have a full on mega fat face lift? Why is it always a little itty bitty tiny miniscule face kiss from heaven. Ok rant over.
Meltyface continues and says if you google his name you will come up with “10 Worst Hollywood face lifts. Hmmm..brb. That’s not what I came up with. Anyway his point is that the media can be brutal. So can recappers. And I’m starting to feel bad. I mean like, really guilty.
Ok it passed. KabbagePatch tells us that she thinks he really wants to fix his face he just needs to be pushed a little. Wow, if a husband of mine came up to me and said I should have something fixed, well, for legal reasons I won’t say what happened. I mean what would happen. Nevermind. He says if he had something done again the media would go bananas.
It’s not your looks that matter, but hike that skin up already.
Over at Adrienne and Kobs, Adrienne is going into a mini panic attack. She doesn’t know what to pack. What do you wear to go camping? I would suggest clothes. Heels would probably be unnecessary. Kob tells us that this is not a good idea because his sisters are so inappropriate. Ya don’t say? He expects them to be extra embarrassing since Adrienne’s parents are going to be there.
Home Sweet Hell.
Off to the box on wheels we go. Meltyface takes everyone’s cell phones as they board. And they are off. And they pick up Adrienne’s family on the side of the road. Seriously.
Adrienne says her Mom Nilda, Step Dad Joe, sister Claudette and her boyfriend. Damn, he’s a big dude. Where the hell are they going to put him?
Well hello lil’ fella!
Adrienne hops out and hugs her family and tells us it’s a rare thing for her entire family to take a trip together like this. Everyone is hoping for the best and then they all pile onto the bus. Time for a toast.
They are gonna need some air freshners.
Along the road they travel until the come to a sign that says Lake Hamet. As Meltyface announces this is it.” we see this sign.
I am positive this will not be an issue.
Then they pull into what Meltyface calls God’s country. Dude, God would have made sure he took these high maintenance dingbats to a hotel and not a piece of sand by a lake.
Just screams the hell outta fun doesn’t it?
KabbagePatch isn’t even all the way down the steps before complaining that there’s nothing there. Meltyface excitedly proclaims all they need to do now is set up camp. KabbagePatch grabs a clue and wonders if he actually thinks she is supposed to help with that. Khloe gets right to work reading instructions for how to put the tent together and then says “What the fuck?” Adrienne’s father is not amused. Seems Joe is a Marine. Very conservative and not used to trashy mouthed females. He’d hate my ass for sure. So then KabbagePatch takes off running down the sand with a part of the tent over her head pretending the wind has caught her and then she tries to sling herself towards the water screaming help me.
Someone save her before she gets airborn! Dumbass.
Finally all the tents are up and things start to settle down. KabbagePatch announces it’s 5 o’clock, would anyone like a drink? Looks like everyone has brought their own. Let the drinking begin. They seem to be in need of a corkscrew so KP goes around looking for Kourt to see if she has one and as she’s leaving, Khloe tells her to bring some condoms. Joe the Marine just shakes his head.
G.I. Joe is not amused.
Kob tells us that Khloe keeps talking about sex and condoms and its freaking him out. As he’s telling us this, Kourt and Asshole are making out right in front of everyone and Khloe is telling them to bring some lube.
Jesus, get the hose already.
After more trashy talk G.I. Joe walks off and Adrrienne follows him. She
lies swears to him that they aren’t always that way. He tells her it’s just not him ya know. She tells him to lighten up and have a corona.
Ha! If he only knew.
Back to the campsite. As night falls, they sit around a campfire and roast marshmellows and make S’mores. Khloe thinks they are disgusting. KP doesn’t know when to just let people relax and so she brings up Meltyface having plastic surgery. Ya know, just to spoil the mood. He just want to enjoy the trip and not think about that crap.
Woah, dude back away from that fire before you become Melted face!
And the boozing begins in full. KP wants to tell scary stories but Khloe would rather play “Would you rather”. I’m sure that will be harmless. Khloe starts off with asking KP if she would rather have a threesome with Bruce or watch Bruce have sex with someone else? Adrienne’s Mom’s mouth falls open and KP does this.
Do I have to pick just one?
Kourt is up next with asking Kob, “Would you rather us tell the story of how you became Pee Boy or tell the story of how me and Kim “bleeped” you “bleep”. Adrienne’s head is about to explode as she begins to pray.
Then Adrienne is asked, by Khloe, “Would you rather suck Robert’s “bleep” or suck his asshole?’ The only one who seems amused is Khloe.
Loading his rifle most likely.
Adrienne pulls Kob aside to beg him to talk some sense into his trashy ass family. Kob doesn’t know what to do but he tries gathering them in the RV anyway. Ha! Even Kim tells Kob how disrespectful this all is and he needs to put a stop to it.
And I know a thing or two about disrespect!
So Kob ends up laying down the law and telling his family to shut it on the sex and crap and try and be normal for a couple of hours. Everyone apologizes and then he hugs them.
And even manages to cop a feel off Khloe.
The next morning everyone is up and happy and optimistic about the day. Kourt offers to get breakfast for Mr. & Mrs. G.I. Joe. Meltyface calls G.I.Joe over to the side to apologize for the heathens language and tells him he doesn’t like it either but he hopes he looks at the big picture of the kids. That Robert is a good kid. G.I.Joe says they love Robert. Aww. Suddenly a boat pulls up offshore and spins around and then a girl moons them all. Even G.I. Mom gets a giggle out of that one.
It was this big!
They pack up to leave and everyone agrees it was a great trip. As they board the box on wheels back home KP announces it is yet again 5 o’clock and time for cocktails. She is a dependable little boozer ain’t she?
Back at home we see Meltyface and KP at none other than the plastic surgery doc’s office. The doc explains that the reason he looks all melty is that the part of his face that was pulled all those years ago has stayed pulled while everything else has fallen around it. He’s gonna fix it so it looks more natural. Please don’t. What the hell am I going to call him if he’s not MeltyFace?
I REALLY hope that’s his neck.
They explain what they are going to do. Meltygoes home and thinks it over. And he has decided to do it! KP is thrilled. So it’s back off to the doc’s office again. KP takes the chance to make it all about her and talk about how worried she is. And so it begins.
I am assuming that is some part of his face.
Eight to nine hours later the nurse comes out to tell KP that all went well and he’s fine. Then we see the “Two Weeks Later” sign. Everyone has gathered around for the big reveal. Are you ready?
Are you sure you are ready?
Ok here it comes! The new and improved Meltyface!
He kinda looks a little Japanese. But his skin is pretty tight. Like a drum. Aha! He shall now be known as Drumface!
And there ya have it kids. Meltyface is no more. I’m kinda sad. I was used to that. After the swelling goes down he might actually looks sort of normal. Oh well. Until next week lovies.