Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Khloe Will Die Alone

Sory for the delay in getting the recap up this week, but I don’t think the universe wanted me to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians this week. I think for the first time ever the universe may be trying to help me out. I went to recap this the other night but my DVR didn’t record it, so I had to catch a later showing. I’m sure everyone was very concerned though. So read on if you don’t care to watch the show or forgot what happened (probably the former).

Let’s watch my movie again.

Tonight’s episode starts at Jerry’s Deli where Khloe is asking how everyone likes her new bangs. Kris tells her she’s “bangin. Get it?” Luckily, Khloe does in fact get it, because I’m not sure Kris had any sort of follow up if she didn’t. Kris then launches into the always welcome ‘when will you get married’ line of questioning. Seriously, who doesn’t love that? Especially if they’re single. Kris tells us that she wonders if Khloe feels lonely. Khloe tells us though that she’s young and having fun so leave her alone. Yeah Kris, seriously, chill out. You know what’s fun? Being the only single person, other than your pre-teen sisters, in your entire family. At least your family loves you Khloe! (Although I can’t actually guarantee Kendal and Kylie do.)

Are you getting banged? When you fall in love it will be like BANG! Would you like some mash with your bangers? I’m just trying to relate, dear.

Kourtney continues and says that she feels bad that whenever they all go out, Khloe is stuck playing 7th wheel. Khloe apparently sees nothing wrong with it, but she says if everyone else has a problem with it then she won’t tag along. Finally, they don’t have to have that awkward moment where they tell her to get a boyfriend or get to gettin’. Khloe doesn’t need a boyfriend you guys, she’s having fun being single. Her life is totally like Sex and the City. Except there are no men anywhere, and she just works. And lives through her sisters, whose relationships she may or may not try to sabotage. Khloe responds to Kris’s clarification of what the girls were trying to say by saying that if they can’t respect her choice of being single then go away. Yep. She doesn’t push ANYBODY away.

Later in the day Kim and Kourtney are working at Dash. Khloe mysteriously is absent, which is surprising since she’s supposedly working all the time. She’s probably just at acting classes. But this presents the perfect opportunity for the girls to talk about Khloe being alone! How convenient!

I was gonna draw a cock on the Kardashian girl’s dating site pic, but it turned out to be some thick girl with horrible bangs. My bad.

Kim thinks it would be a great idea to set Khloe up on a dating website, but it takes her like 4 sentences to say dating website. Kourtney hates that idea. She’s also concerned about what would happen if, perhaps, someone named Perez puts it on his front page. He must have a newspaper. (Also, in case it’s not obvious, it’s totally convoluted to think Perez cares about Khloe Kardashian.) So guess what. They do it.

Kourtney is still against the idea, but she follows Kim around as Kim does it. Way to object just enough that you can’t really get blamed for it. Apparently Khloe considers herself stunningly attractive. Good for her. Everything they say they want in a guy for Khloe, or that she would want, is exactly the opposite of Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott. But I think the one question they’re missing on the website is “How rich should his parents be? He’ll never have to work a day!”

Back at the house, Kendall comes in to Kris’s room and wants $50 for some new shoes. Kris says she doesn’t need new shoes, then asks what kind of shoes they are, then sends her to Bruce for an answer (and a lesson about money). He tells us that he has no problem giving an allowance but his kids have to do something to earn it. She gets $10 for keeping her room clean. What kind of shit is that?

Fine. I’ll give you the money. But you have to promise to bring me back a shirt that doesn’t make me look like a gay Easter egg.

The next day, it’s time to check Khloe’s website and see who’s interested in her. By the next day, or should I say “next day”, she’s got 58 “winks.” Some dude sent his phone number, so Kourtney decides they should call him. They decide to set Khloe up on a bunch of secret dates, but unfortunately some dudes are losers, and they’re not very shy about being rude. While still on the phone. I wish I could judge them more for it, but they’re mostly probably right. I specifically cite one dude answering the phone “Mmmyelloo.” They hung up after snickering a little.

Allow me to interrupt for a second. I have a serious problem with these little interjections where Kourtney is elaborating on the story about getting dates for Khloe, but she’s got like 5 different outfits on. Anyways, Kourtney says most of the guys on the site are losers (well, duh, if 58 guys were interested after like 24 hours, some of them probably check a little too often), but they find a few guys who may meet Khloe’s requirements (male? Check).

Back to Kendall making some money. Her room is a shitbomb, so she should get some money for cleaning it. Or, she should at least have to do it so the maid doesn’t have to (I refuse to believe they don’t have at least one maid or cleaning lady). Then she’s walking one of the dogs and runs into Angel, a local dog walker. She makes $10 for walking the dog, but he only charges $5. So guess what. She’s a little entrepreneur.

And lazy.

Back at Dash, Kim and Kourt walk in with some koffee for Khloe, and they’re being weird. Khloe kan tell something is up. Kourtney conveniently says that Kim did something she needs to tell Khloe about. See, she didn’t actually do anything so she can’t be blamed. They won’t tell her what it was though unless she “Bible’s” it. Hey, new verb? Fuck that.

So she does it. Kim says they thought it would be funny, just funny because Khloe is the funny one, to set up an account on a dating website. Khloe feigns anger. Those acting classes (more than one, right?) aren’t paying off too well. Also, when she talks to us, she’s wearing a headband. What about the new bangs? She looks like hell. Kim tries to reason that it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. But she also says that they’ll be going with her.

Khloe still isn’t on board, and she won’t guarantee to do it. Kourtney asks her what she has to lose, and she says her dignity and pride. Assuming that she still did have those, which she doesn’t (well, she certainly has her pride), it wasn’t convincing either. Then Khloe’s signal of agreement was to physically abuse Kourtney. I just don’t get this family.

The reviews are in.

Once again we go back to the house to see how Kendall’s money-making is going. Angel has returned the dog, gets his money, and he’s about to leave when she stops him and asks if he does anything else. He, surprisingly, says yes so she invites him in. Because she’s home alone. And this is totally off the cuff spontaneous. So he cleans her room, does the dishes, and gets paid another $5. What a sweet deal.

The three K’s show up to wherever Khloe’s dates will take place, and Kim and Kourt will sit in her kar listening in and watching. Date number one shows up, and he kind of looks like a gay dude. Next. Number two looks like he’s about 35 and 30 pounds heavier than his picture. Next. The next guy is perhaps Australian and has some bling in the form of a gold or platinum or cubic zirconia rat trap (for the hos). The next guy asks if Kim has butt implants, so he’s out. But he got on TV at least. We go to commercial with Khloe saying she’s over it and she wants to leave.

Picky, picky.

…And we come back and they’re home. Khloe goes to her room to be left alone, and then there’s a ring at the door. It’s Kris! Kourtney asks what she’s doing there. Give me a break. Kris asks if Khloe is mad at the girls, and Kim says “I don’t know, I think so.” She is excellent at reading people, especially people she’s related to. God she’s an idiot. But that ass. I just cant…look…away.

At the Jenner household, Bruce comes downstairs in his bike shorts and tells Kendall he’s going shopping. It was that or go for a ride, I can’t remember which. And guess who shows up after Bruce leaves. Kendall suggests that Angel wash the car today, and he obviously agrees. For a whole $5! Kendall wants to watch a window next, but, uh-oh, Bruce has just gotten back home. I bet this has hilarious results.

Bruce looks over and sees Angel (while still in the bike shorts, it’s an odd sight) cleaning the glass door and asks what’s going on. He says Kendall hired him for a few jobs. Bruce doesn’t stop him from working, but he goes to talk to Kendall. She takes credit for everything, but, still, wouldn’t she be watching Angel do the work? I know she’s young, but I doubt she’s retarded.

But Angel sure as shit is.

Bruce tells her she actually has to do the work and she can’t stiff Angel. He laughs a little maniacally too as he says it. If I were him, I would have dropped my prices. Or grounded her. Or congratulated her for her management skills, because if she hires Kylie, the job doesn’t get done as well, although it could also be cheaper. Bruce sends her out to pick out some doglogs in the back yard and he even says she’ll get an extra quarter for each piece of poo. She tells us that no shoes are worth picking up shit for, and I bet she’s learned her lesson. She actually has, because she says next time she’ll just ask her sisters for the money. Or the shoes.

Speaking of the sisters, we go back to what could be the previous night (the Kendall thing was like during the day, but this dating thing was all one day obviously and it’s currently night) and Khloe tells us that she tried things her sisters’ way, now she’s going to try things her way. Conveniently, Kris is asking Kim and Kourt if she liked any guys, and they say they think she liked one. And this conversation happens and Khloe walks downstairs. I’m guessing this isn’t being set up to be that Khloe set a date with the one guy she liked, so everybody wins.

What crazy misdirection! I was wrong! She’s going on another date with one of the guys! They ask which guy, and she won’t say, but they’re going out that night. She shows up at the restaurant, and the reservation is under her name, but the party is already there (surprise!). Oops, she’s not going on a date, she’s going out with Malika (coworker). She lied to her sisters, and no one cares.

Oh no. Who did that to your hair?

So there actually was some misdirection, and thank god. What did you think of the episode? Will Khloe ever find love? Did Kendall learn her lesson? Did Angel get paid scale, or was his asking price higher?