Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Kim Achieves Her Lifelong Dream

This week Flipit comes to me and says, “Treadingonme, I’ve got a problem. Keeping Up With the Kardashians needs a recapper, and I don’t hate anyone enough to make them do it. But I’ve got great news for you. I actually do hate you enough, so you have the distinct privilege, and you can’t decline. Sucker.” Then he went on to say some things about my mom that I thought were very out of line and actually should not be put in print anywhere. Ever. I need a raise (from nothing).

But anyways, this week on Keeping Up With the Jenner-Kardashians, Kim talks about herself, Kendal and Kylie exhibit behavior that would worry you if they were about 4 years older, and I learn the meaning of “driven to suicide.”

I have a feeling he gets it too.

Some background: I’ve never really watched a show on E!, aside from random lapses in judgment during extended periods of severe boredom. But I am positive that watching a show the entire way through is not going to be pleasant. I also don’t know a lot about the Kardashian family. I know they love alliteration, and I know Bruce Jenner is the dad. I caught a few episodes last season, but it was hard to keep my nose from bleeding out all of the dying brain cells. And for some reason Kim’s ass bewilders me. I don’t necessarily like it, but I just can’t take my eyes off of it, and I don’t understand its powers, yet I’m powerless against them. So anyways, let’s get to the action this week and maybe we can just kind of pretend last season didn’t happen? Deal. But just so we’re clear, I chose to recap this, and I really don’t think it will suck as bad as some of the other drivel I’ve watched. Or any worse at least.

I mean, come on.

We open up this week with the older sisters and mom gathered around, and Kim’s got an announcement: she was the number one Google search last week! Hooray! The ticker tape starts falling from the ceiling, these four guys come in and lift up Kim while everyone chants her name and commends her for having such an outgoing and friendly, classy personality.

Actually Khloe (on my show info, it spells her name incorrectly. Or, I should say, un-retardedly) says Kim is so into herself. But Kim isn’t done listing her lifetime achievements. Yesterday she was also the top AOL search. Then Kourtney comes in and tells her that she’s also the second dumbest person according to the New York Post. Kim’s ok with that as long as they’re talking about her, and I think she’s just too dumb to get that it’s not really good press. Also, fuck you NY Post for giving her free publicity. And E!.

After the opening credits, Kim tells us that she’s finally really happy with where she is in her life now. Fame whore is quite an aspiration, I can’t imagine how validating it must feel to be so in “demand”. Kourtney (god I hate these K names) says that they’ve been doing a lot of things together as sisters, which is great because every fame whore needs someone who is less in the lime-light, but also relatively easy on the eyes (except for Khloe) and talks less.

We also find out, if you’re blind or illiterate, that Kim is dating Reggie Bush and they’re really happy together. Kris (it’s narcissism that drives her to name all of her kids K’s, right?) says it looks like two daughters have found love in their lives, all except for Khloe. Sad horns. On that note, Scott shows up, and he and Kourtney have been together for a year. She says it’s the first she’s opened up to a dude since her HS boyfriend, and then she leaves Scott for some reason.

Was it the sweater?

That night at Dash, Kim tells everyone that they have no idea what it’s like to be so famous. Life is hard guys. Khloe says to get her head out of her ass, and then Kourtney steals the attention, saying she has to leave because she has Scott’s old phone. Kim gets a mischievous look and asks if Kourt went through it. Kourtney gets all high and mighty, saying she doesn’t need to snoop. So Kim takes the phone and begins to inspect.

She says she’s the Queen of 007 and she can break in any phone, get any code, hear any voicemail, she knows how to do it all. But can she jailbreak an iPhone? Fat chance. Kim’s looking through contacts and finds one that intrigues Kourtney and she wants to see. She’s too good to snoop, but she’s not too good to look through if someone ELSE does the dirty work. Also, I bet this is one of the first times anything Kim has done has been referred to as “dirty work”.

Is that thing on?

Scott’s old phone is getting him in some deep shit. He has a text from someone called “my wife” and there is some pretty damning back-and-forth dialog. And it’s from a weekend he was “in the Hamptons.” Oh I’ll be he was “in the Hamptons” if you catch my drift! Sexual innuendo at it’s most vague!

Kim mouths “we shouldn’t have done this” to Khloe (I loathe typing that) as Kourtney continues to look through the phone. Dude should have taken his damn SIMcard. Anyways, after that, Khloe wastes no time in calling Scott some sort of elongated bleep, and she says he’s like two different people, one with Kourtney, another with his friends. I’m sure no one is ever like that in a relationship though. Kourtney immediately jumps to the conclusion that Scott has possibly cheated on her, and he should have been able to foresee this happening when he gave her his phone. I’m not sure, but Scott could be a very dumb person.

I love rational people. Khloe says Kourtney should break up with Scott, and this is right after Kourt told us that she relies on her sisters in very emotional situations. I think someone is sick of playing fifth, kind-of-resembling-a-pig wheel. Kourtney decides to call Scott, and she demands that he tell her about Kyra (the first intriguing name) and why he’s looking in people’s eyes. He has no idea what she’s talking about, which she infers means he’s lying to her. I can barely remember anything from 2 weeks ago, so if something is found from the phone I had four months ago, who knows how long it was in there. Not that I like Scott here, but I’m on his side on this one until Kourtney calms the fuck down. She tells him to call her when he wants to be honest and hangs up on him. Then she says she never wants to talk to losers again, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have any chance of that happening. Also, if they’ve been dating a year, she’s this willing to throw it away? Reasonable.

You guys, I can’t talk to you any more. So I’ll txt.

On what I will assume is the next day, Kourtney is at Smooch and still thinking a lot about those text messages. She doesn’t want her mom to know about it, this is just between sisters. Right on cue Kim and Khloe walk in and ask if she wants to go to lunch. She’s busy though and can’t, so the two sisters leave and decide they should have a girls’ trip and get away. Cabo is the easiest place to go, so let’s all go there.

They get there and Kim and Kourt are just in bed. Khloe says they need to do things they wouldn’t do at home, so then we get to see a montage of the…doing…Cabo stuff. I saw running into the water, a massage and some dude with a mustache having a drink. Good times.

Then we’re back at the house and the phone is ringing. I actually wouldn’t have been surprised if the girls’ trip was over already, but Kris answered and it was Kim! Probably calling to tell her mother how much she loves her and is grateful for everything her mother has provided for her. Or she called to bitch because she hasn’t gotten the $2500 room reserved in some posh Miami hotel. Kris says tough shit brat, the room has been booked for a year. But Kim doesn’t care! It’s Kim Kardashian Miami hotel! What the fuck are you thinking?

The second dumbest person according to the NY Post! Recognize!

Well Kim has wanted this room for a month, so she doesn’t see what the big deal is. Do you think Kim graduated high school? Because a month is actually less time than a year. I’m not sure she’s aware of this fact. Kim goes on to say that every room Kris has booked her in Miami has been the worst room ever. I like how that’s possible. I wish this wasn’t a phone conversation because I would love for Kim to get slapped in the face. Kris tells us that Kim can bitch and whine all she wants but she needs to stop acting like a spoiled brat. Then Kim says her mom is annoying and she doesn’t think it’s too much to ask for the nicest room in what I will assume is the nicest hotel in Miami that has been booked for a year. I forgot to mention that I hate everything about Kim except looking at her.

Back in Cabo, despite being in Mexico and having to pay for absolutely none of it, Kourtney still isn’t having a blast. She’s lying on a chair texting, and Khloe walks over asking if she’s texting Scott. Why yes she is in fact. So much for not talking to losers again. Khloe takes her phone and says she no longer can have her phone, and then tells her to come on, saying, “Chip chop.” She knows how to turn a phrase, that Khloe.

Today is the first day of the rest of your day!

Later that night the sisters are in Cabo having dinner, and Khloe asks Kourt if the guest bedroom will come in handy tonight. Nothing like going to Cabo and having a one night stand on national television to reaffirm your non-sluttiness. Kourtney says that it’s not really her style though, and I think everyone, sisters and myself included, is disappointed. And then Fabio walks by and Kourtney’s face gets flush. She’s found her stud for the night, and she won’t stop until she’s tamed him. Or they just watched him walk past.

Then the three head to a bar that night, and there are a few gratuitous ass shots. Kourtney says she’s not really feeling it, and no one really seems to pay attention. Khloe tells us she thought they were all having fun, and the next thing she knows Kourtney is gone. How very non-self-centered of her to notice about her sister. Kourt goes back to the room, texts someone (Scott probably) then goes to bed and just wants to go back to America.

Once back home, Kim tells Kris that she just got the suite booked in Miami for $1700 for the three nights she’ll be there. Seems to be some sort of miscommunication there. Kris starts to say something about it, then Kim interrupts saying she took care of it. How very independent of her. Is little Kimmy growing up? Do you think she hates Kimmy? Immediately after that, Kim asks her mom “What am I going to eat?” She’s almost a big girl now! Soon she’ll be able to make her very own Easy Mac!

Kourtney is in the other room listening to voicemails when Khloe walks in. Scott has left several desperate sounding voicemails. Khloe looks skeptical, Kourtney looks fairly indifferent, I look apathetic. Then Scott calls and despite Khloe’s advice, Kourt answers it. She says she’s got some thing to get off her chest (giggity) and he says he needs to talk to her, so she decides to go over to his house. Khloe can’t believe it, but Kourtney’s doing it for herself.

Evolution VS Creationism….hmmmmmmmmmm……

She gets to Scott’s, and she tells us that it’s not going to be a pleasant conversation. The first thing we hear her say to him is that she read every single thing in his phone. How very sane of her. Yeesh. Scott says he can explain everything about it. The “my wife” thing was all done sarcastically, and Kourtney says it was inappropriate, so he apologizes. Then he says he’s always thought it was the guy thing and cool to want to hang out with your friends, and holy shit that is the biggest load of bullshit. You know she’s buying it. And she does, she decides to go back to him, but she’s not jumping in with both feet.

Kendal and Kylie are in one of their rooms, and they’re imitating (mocking?) Kim and Kris. I really hope it’s mocking. Unfortunately, Kim also gets that they’re making fun of her, and it’s unfortunate because I assume she’s not in on most jokes about her. She complains to Bruce who is like, “Well of course they are retard.” I wish we could see more of the young girls making fun of Kim, rather than Bruce trying to put Kim’s life into perspective for her.

Khloe and Kourtney are at the gym, and again there’s a gratuitous shot of Kourtney’s ass. This I am ok with. Kourtney says Scott it taking her out to dinner and she wants Khloe to come with and make him explain himself. Khloe doesn’t want to, but after a little guilt trip she decides that she will. But Kourtney says she didn’t even tell Kim about it because she’s so caught up in herself. I really don’t think that’s any sort of new development though.

I’m sorry…what were you saying?

As Kourt and Khloe are driving to dinner (or somewhere), Kim calls Kourtney and apologizes for not having time to help her deal with the Scott thing. But she had to ask her mom what to have for lunch, and breakfast earlier that day, then looking in the mirror, so she’s had a lot on her plate. Isn’t life hard? They tell her that they’re going to dinner with Scott and Kim asks why she wasn’t invited. She invites herself anyways, and they tell her to not worry about being a diva. I don’t know what that means, and I won’t respond to it.

Kourtney tells us she feels really positive about her decision to give Scott a second chance, and I do too, because a second chance is the first chance to humiliate someone again. I really don’t care if he cheated; I just hate relationship limbo.

Scott apologizes immediately to Khloe and Kim, and Kim totally buys his shit too. Khloe, somehow, seems to be the best at reading guys. Maybe it’s because she views them all from a distance. Zing! In the middle of it, Kim tells us that she’s glad that her and Reggie don’t need to be “psycho like this.” Scott is a weird looking dude. He says he’ll do whatever it takes to stay with Kourtney though. Then he goes to the bathroom and seems very dejected, and I almost feel bad for the rich dude who may or may not have cheated on a hot Kardashian.

If I ever get close enough to a man to poke him with a fork I am SO gonna do it!

Kourtney says she’s crazy about Scott and she doesn’t want Khloe to have a bad attitude whenever he’s around. Khloe says she just needed to get it out of her system, then she excuses herself to the bathroom. And, as chance would have it, Scott is just leaving the bathroom. She’s just standing there waiting for him, and I’m surprised she didn’t great him with a kick in the balls. Khloe tells him that whatever happens with he and Kourt is between them, but if he hurts her, then it hurts Khloe. And she tells him if he hurts her again, she’ll cut his balls off. That reminds me of something a friend of mine once said about two other dating friends. “Hurt her once, shame on you. Hurt her twice, shame on her. Hurt her three times, I go to jail.”

The sun rises on a new day, and Kim is actually cooking. She’s making everyone French toast because she feels bad for being so rude lately. She’s learned that you can’t treat people the way you don’t want to be treated, and I seriously cannot believe she actually is, like, not doing something conceited. She also tells Kendal and Kylie to stop making fun of her, so they’re obviously going to need to close their door to do it.

So it’s a happy ending I guess? What did you think of the episode? Do you think Kim really learned her lesson or was that an incredibly contrived moment and the maid stepped in shortly after the cameras turned off? Think Scott has learned his lesson, and did he cheat on Kourtney? Does Bruce just try to separate himself from the older girls?

And when did Liza Minnelli marry Bruce Jenner?