Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Kim Gets Double-Teamed

Sorry to all one of you who reads about the delay in getting this recap up this week, but my social calendar has been packed. For real. I have friends! I can prove it!

See?

When I started my DVR for Keeping Up With the Kardashians this week, it had recorded a little bit of the show on E! before, which was titled “15 Acts of Super Violence” or something like that. A kid was talking about surviving the shooting at Virginia Tech last year. Then Kim came on, driving her Range Rover, texting or calling someone while driving, and bitching about traffic. Really puts things into perspective. Being in traffic with Kim is like surviving a shooting.

There is the realization that they’re in rush hour traffic. This is a bad sign that I’ve just started the episode and already am annoyed by Kim’s retardation. She’s calling her boyfriend, Reggie Bush if you didn’t know, to tell him she’s going to pick up her Bentley, which is FINALLY ready. Having to wait for her car is like surviving genocide. I also want to point out that I’m glad there wasn’t an episode last week, because we could all see what Reggie gets to see whenever the cameras aren’t going.

Apparently Kim got it customized, and she says that she’s worked very hard to get her Bentley. She’s right though, having a big ass, having a rich dad, being a fame whore and fucking someone on the cusp of fame and recording it then releasing the tape are all very hard things to do. She’s been dreaming of owning a Bentley since she was 12 (I didn’t know what one was when I was 12) and she’s finally fucked enough people and fame-whored herself out enough to make that happen. She’s a role model really.

While Kim is driving to get her Bentley and stuck in traffic with Khloe, Kourtney and Skott (he might as well change his last name to Kardashian) in tow, let’s check in with Bruce. He goes to see sons Brandon and Burt. Apparently Bruce loves alliteration. Also, Brandon kind of looks like a lumberjack. Or hippy. Brandon has a lot of cool cars and shit, and Bruce tells us that he used to have all kinds of shit before he met Kris. Then he tells his two non-fame-whoring sons (I don’t really hate Brody all that much, but let’s be honest) the same thing, and they ask when he’s going to get a sports car.

When my daughters stop buying things like fucking chickens and trying to give me a nervous breakdown, that’s when.

He says he’s a carpool guy. Cry me a river Bruce, you drive a fucking escalade, it’s not like it’s a 97 Ford Windstar. He then proceeds to cry me a river as Brandon (who is a musician or producer or something) plays a blues song and Bruce freestyles the carpool blues. They all take their respective vehicles and drive to go play pool or get drunk or something (hopefully both!). $4.00 gallons of gas? Ha! Bruce would easily pay 6. Save the Earth everybody.

Kim must have been driving to the luxury car place for hours because it was rush hour when we last saw her, but now it’s dark out. They play some really, really shitty song about having a dream or living a dream or something as Kim looks on as they finish up her car. Really tacky scene.

But guess what! Her car isn’t ready! How dare they! Some fat dude in a stupid t-shirt, who is apparently the owner, tells Kim it should be like 10 minutes. Pshaw. The Kardashians will not wait 10 minutes. Well, apparently they will, but they will be displeased. While Kim is waiting, apparently Khloe and Kourtney are screaming. That’s interesting, because in the scene they show, Kourtney is yelling at Kim and Khloe is walking up, but whatever.

Oh, apparently they’re yelling at the owner of the dealership. They’re bitching about having to wait 35 minutes. Khloe tells us she was yelling about the guy wasting everyone’s time and money. I beg to differ, he’s got his money, he’s just wasting your time. And he also gets to be on camera. So he’s probably getting more money. And, what, you just sat in traffic for 2 hours to get there, but 35 minutes is too long and wasting your precious time to not work?

Do you know how many sex tapes I could have made in 35 minutes?

Now Khloe is really ranting at this dude about having to wait. Apparently he put $35,000 of free shit into the car. Listen dude, that’s your fucking problem. You want the free publicity, you’re a retard. Kim K. will pay for anything. Or she’ll at least fuck you for it. Even though I’m pretty positive this guy is below even that for her.

Kourtney tells us that after Khloe’s rant, the dude “yelled back at her.” Although we don’t see it. So it probably didn’t happen. But also, this is what gets when you don’t get an actor to play his part: shoddy acting. The girls get pissed that Kim doesn’t defend Khloe and she’s upset that they’re making a scene. Oh Kim. What have you done? The girls get PIIIIISSED. They’re swearing, calling Kim a kiss-ass, all she cares about is money, they’ll never look at her the same way. So, to recap: Sex tape = forgiveable, accusing your sister of making a scene = biggest fucking act of disrespect ever.

Khloe and Kourt get back in the Range Rover or whatever they rode in on, and Kim says they’re being immature so they should leave. Khloe says she would if she could, which I guess means they only brought one cameraman. Kim is walking away and then she decides to turn around and jam both of her feet down her throat by saying that the girls are jealous because they can’t get a Bentley. She also says they’re trying to ruin her moment, and she ends it with “you jealous, psycho bitch.” I bet this isn’t resolved by the end of the episode. Will they ever be friends again?

You’re being ugly. And not just in your usual genetic way.

Khloe and others leave, and if there’s anything we’ve learned from the Real World, it’s that when you get in a fight with someone, always be the first to tell someone else so your point-of-view is the first they’ll hear and they’ll be on your side. So Kim (who for some reason took a suitcase out of her car before it left) goes for it. Not to be outdone though, the other girls go to Rob’s place and are the first to tell him. Also, as Khloe is telling Rob, he says, “I can’t handle this right now.” It’s almost like he’d heard about it before the camera was rolling. But, how would that be possible?

Well, all Kim needed to resolve the issue was a new Bentley, and now she’s got it. So she tells us she doesn’t care whose fault it is, she needs to make it right. Didn’t take long for her to change her mind about her jealous psycho bitch sister. It’s amazing the perspective you can view from the seat of a brand new Bentley. Therapists are always recommending that.

So Kim goes to Rob’s place, and Khloe and Kourtney are just bitching to him relentlessly. I feel really bad for him, because this makes me want to hang myself, and I’m only getting the abbreviated version of it. Think about sitting through the whole high-pitched, nonsensical self-righteous bitchfest. The mere thought gives me chills.

Damn, this has been an action packed first 7 minutes. And oh how I wish it wasn’t. Kim gets to Rob’s door and hears the bitch session. Then she walks in, and Khloe tries to shut the door on her. So Kim says never do that, swings her purse at Khloe a couple times and then punches her in the arm. To make things right. Then she goes to Rob’s room, then comes back out and leaves.

Good talk everybody.

Out in the hallway, Rob tries to get Kim to stay, I think, for some reason. She’s crying, and inside Khloe laughs about the fact that she’s crying. You know, this all could be one big fake act or something, but I am positive that Khloe is one of the meanest people I would ever meet. If she didn’t have such an inflated ego I would think she was pretty awesome. Oh, and if she wasn’t a giant uggo.

Kim is still walking out, and after saying she was leaving like 3 times, Rob asks if she’s really leaving. The answer is yes. Later when she’s still walking, he tells her she’s “being stupid right now.” He’s right, but the qualifier “right now” implies that she’s not always stupid. He should have said she’s “being stupid always.” Now that is a true statement.

Kourtney gets a phone call, and it’s Kris. The first thing she asks is what is wrong with Khloe. Khloe responds “a lot” and that is another true statement. She says that Kris is only defending Kim because she gets 10%. Damn, if that’s not envy, then I don’t know what is. Seriously, I don’t know what envy is. Khloe also tells Kris that she thinks Kris likes Kim more. Probably, because she’s more marketable. I don’t think it has anything to do with ass worship. Khloe tells us that just because she doesn’t show emotion doesn’t mean she’s not hurt though, and we see her almost cry giant Amazonian tears of sadness. And rage.

Now honey, you’re being ugly. And not just in that “you’re not that ugly” kind of a way that I made you.

This whole thing has been really rough on Kris, what with actually having to talk to her daughters but not be on camera to do it. So she decides to meet her friend Ellen K. for cocktails. Ellen K. definitely has a face for radio. She looks like she used to be, or perhaps still is, a man. No wonder Seacrest likes her. Kris and Ellen get wasted and even do a couple shots. I like a woman who knows how to party.

The night ends where most drinking nights end: the tattoo parlor. I would almost regret my trip there, which I don’t remember, but I was relieved to discover my tattoo was of a pink unicorn jumping over a rainbow, a.k.a. the manliest tattoo ever. They walk into a place that’s got a pool table, and some dude comes out from the back without a shirt on. Does he live there?

Ellen wants her sons name tattooed somewhere, and the tattoo dude suggests the ass. Kris thinks that’s a great idea, but she has 437 kids. She would need to get sleeved for that. She decides that because she’s angry with the older kids, they don’t get names, and only Kendall and Kylie do. She actually says, “Kendall and Kylie get names, Kim Khloe and Kourtney don’t.” And what she implied was: fuck you Rob.

Poor Bruce. He’s been spending more time flying his remote control helicopter around because he doesn’t get real toys. He should take flying lessons. I think I’ll write him a letter. Anyways, we don’t get to see any reaction to the tattoo, so he must be cool with it. Khloe comes over “randomly” and Kris shows her the tattoo. Then Kris is being nice, and Khloe notices instantly that it’s odd.

That tatt dude did her.

Khloe says that Kris was mean to her last night, which is totally true because Kris tried to stop a fight and only heard one side of the story, and it’s not like Khloe didn’t have time to call her. She just chose to bitch to Kourtney and Rob. Kris calls Khloe on it and says she wasn’t mean, she just doesn’t like when her kids team up against one. Especially when that one is so brittle and retarded. And has a giant ass. Also, it’s a fucking retarded thing to fight about.

Poor Bruce. He flies his helicopter inside and it lands him in the warzone. He asks what everybody’s fighting about. Someone says something about picking sides in a fight, and he says he’s not on anyone’s side and they need to chill out. Well that was an easy resolution I guess.

Normally when the girls fight, it’s over in a couple minutes. But it’s been a couple minutes, even a day possibly, and shit is still hitting the fan. At least in the sense that they may or may not have talked in the last day. So the girls decide to meet at a coffee place to talk thing over. Kim explains her side, and she refers to buying her car as a “business deal.” Uh, you bought a car sweetheart. You didn’t buy a conglomerate.

Kourtney is upset that Kim didn’t defend her when that sweaty car dealer owner talked down to her. Which, for the record, we still haven’t seen and probably didn’t happen. Suddenly Kim says she’s not going to budge on this. But, uh, didn’t she say a little while ago she wanted to make it right? Kourtney says she can’t let it bother her anymore because she’s “in a different place.” Uh, a coffee shop? Stop being dumb. Kim says she feels the same that she needs to let her sisters out of her life a little and not work as closely.

Yikes.

Khloe gets up and walks out, but not before her and Kourtney can team up on Kim a little. And it’s not as hot as it sounds. I just mean verbally. So Kim and Kourtney argue a little more, and Kourt leaves to find Khloe, who’s in the car crying. We don’t actually see her crying, so I’m still not sure it actually is possible. She’s upset that their relationships have to change, this wasn’t how dad raised them, blah blah sniff sniff whine whine, no visible tears.

So, after that discussion, or possibly before it because it’s nighttime, Kim calls Kris and bitches more. Then, I guess another night or something (wouldn’t Kim have called, like, right after the talk or something? Why would she wait?) Khloe goes in Kris’s room to try to talk to her. But at the first suggestion that perhaps Khloe should apologize, Khloe walks away. Kris is fine with that because she’s done being a mediator. Also, don’t complain about someone else being stubborn if you’re going to act the exact same way.

While this is going on, Bruce has been primping in the bathroom mirror. He asks Kris if he should go with bangs or no bangs. And finally there’s mention of Bruce going through a mid-life crisis. He suggests a skiing vacation for everyone to hang out and chill out and maybe work out some problems. Somewhere in there Khloe said that Kim has enough cellulite to last a lifetime. ZING!

I‘m sorry, I just can’t let this go. Hold on to your Spanx, girl!

At the airport, we see a shot of all of the baggage being checked. I think I counted 145 suitcases. Seriously it’s like 2 or 3 per person, and probably most of those are just Kim’s. Kim has Rob on her side now, and Kris and Kourtney are talking about the tension. Kourt says there isn’t any tension, they’re just not talking to Kim. Why would that create tension? I just don’t get it Kris. Prove there’s tension. Show it to me. Apparently Kourtney is retarded.

As they’re boarding the plane, Khloe says she doesn’t want to sit next to Kim. Kourtney, behind her, goes next and Scott is behind her talking to Kim. Kourt says, “you’re talking to the enemy?” to him. Wow, we’re all very mature here. The episode ends with them all on the plane (first class obvs) and then stupid E! has the “pilot” come “on” and say they’re experiencing “turbulence.” Fuck you for insulting my intelligence E!

So, oooh, a cliffhanger! Isn’t this exciting? I bet things aren’t worked out and Kim gets a legal divorce from her sisters. And then she changes her last name to Theass or possibly TheAss. What did you think of the episode? I think we’ve got two left this season, and I’m keeping track.