If you remember what happened on the last episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I pity you. I also pity myself because it’s still relatively fresh in my memory. So just to recap Kim was a bitch, Khloe was a bitch, Kourtney was kind of a bitch and Kris did her best to stay out of it.
“Everyone’s Meeeean To Meeeeee!” a Lifetime Original Movie
We pick up this episode as the crowd arrives in Denver for their family ski trip. And I use the term “family” loosely because Scott is there, but I also don’t think Kylie and Kendall are. Bruce, or someone, has arranged for two car rentals from the airport. One is a Hummer, the other is a piece of shit Escalade. I bet that Escalade was made in 2007 or something.
Oh, I think I see one of the youngest Kardashian/Jenners. Kris decides she’ll get more semi-involved in the fracas by forcing Kim to ride with her other siblings in the Escalade. I don’t feel bad for Kim, but if it were pretty much anybody who didn’t have a TV show for doing dick (literally?) I would, because people teaming up on you blows.
Oh, I get it. They’re playing up Bruce’s “mid-life crisis” by saying that he rented a Hummer. Because he’s feeling old. Psh, he would totally rent a Corvette or a Bentley or something if that was the case. Also, I don’t really care. Back in the sibling car (I’m still not actually sure I saw Kendall and/or Kylie. I don’t think they were in the Hummer, and I didn’t see one in the other car) Khloe voices her disbelief that Bruce would want/get a Hummer. Scott, driving asks who wouldn’t want a hummer? Ohh, what a hilarious misunderstanding! He thought she meant a bj! Again he gets me confused with his slang terms though because he says “I thought you meant a good old-fashioned humdinger.” So he’s talking about a home run now? I’m confused by the stupidity.
Sorry about your penis.
Ok, I now can confirm that both Kendall and Kylie are on the trip. Everybody gets to the cabin and it’s huge and beautiful. But, there’s a problem. There’s only one queen-size bed, and Khloe doesn’t want to sleep with Kim. Bruce, pretty much continuing his awesomeness, tells the girls to work it out among themselves. I still don’t really think that will make his time any more enjoyable though, since he’ll just hear mostly shrill arguments. So he busts out the wine.
Kim, meanwhile, busts out her computer so she can iChat with Reggie. Kris is pissed because this is supposed to be a time for family bonding, yet Kim is completely shutting herself off to everyone except the guy she didn’t record herself fucking. That we know of.
The next morning Bruce gets all gussied up to go out snowboarding. But apparently his clothes are for, say, a dude who’s 20. He thinks he looks young and hip, but everyone else thinks he looks ridiculous. Then we see a montage of him snowboarding, but not doing too awesomely. Meanwhile, Kris is recording him doing it, and she appears to be wearing fur from head to toe. Literally. Even her boots look like they might be real animal feet that were cleaned out and fashioned into boots.
This is the first time I think I’ve actually hoped that PETA would show up and spray paint someone.
A little while later, after Kim feels sorry for herself boarding alone for awhile, Bruce is suddenly adept at snowboarding. He and the instructors become best buds, going up lifts together, and he even invited one of the dudes over for some beer at the cabin. Come be on tv and have free beer in the process. I would do almost anything for free beer, including appear on this show. Sounds like Bruce has a little man-date lined up.
Back home at the cabin, Kris was out shopping or something, and she comes home to find Bruce icing his knee. She makes is sound like he’s too old to be having fun taking risks, he says leave me alone I’m still 25. She also notices that his hair has been brushed straight back and he’s been acting really strangely. He even invited over his brahs for pizza and beer. He proves how young and hip he is by saying “rock and roll baby.” One sure fire way to not be ‘rock and roll’ is to say the phrase ‘rock and roll.’ In fact, that one chick on ANTM a few years ago said it all the time and the only proof she had of being ‘rock and roll’ was constantly saying it. That’s obviously why she lost.
You can tell that Kim is apathetik to the vacation because she’s not wearing makeup. The whole family is sitting around in silence (minus the young K’s) and Kris pipes up, saying she wants everyone to put their “do-dads” away. This starts a long scene of much screaming, and Bruce says he’s sick of everyone’s shit. Kris also throws out the term “vacay.” She could totes be on The Hills.
Leave me alone. I’m doing preproduction on a new video.
Kris takes Kim’s Sidekick and throws it behind her head onto the ground. Kim is furious, and I notice that her ass appears to be growing exponentially. She tells Kris that she’ll need to buy her a new one if it’s broken. Luckily I assume it is not. Not satisfied though, Kim goes to get Kris’s phone out of her purse, in the bed room up the stairs, and throws it down to the first floor. All this occurred as everyone was chanting “Kim’s mature!” which I think was initiated by Kris.
So Kim gets her phone and goes to mope in some bed. Rob is told to go get her, and he goes to talk to her and try to bring her back downstairs. She won’t come down, so Kris tells Kylie to bring her sister down. God you guys, Kim’s life is so hard. She does nothing but nice things for everyone. She even said so! Throwing and breaking phones is an important life lesson, that was a favor she did for Kris. Kourtney starts laughing at Kim’s ugly cry-face, which upsets Kim more. Just to point out, everyone came to Kim. What an idiot she is, and they’re all fucking enablers. Is there a double entendre there?
Dead sidekick=bigger ass. It’s physics, apparently.
Like all things, that scene ends without resolution. So the ski instructors come over (four of them) and they kind of take over the place. But he’s Bruce fucking Jenner, and there’s free beer, so who wouldn’t want to go hang out and listen to him talk about his decathlon days? Losers, that’s who. Kourtney says Bruce is going through menopause I think, but I wish she would have called it “manopause.” But she’s not clever enough. (If she did say that, she gets no credit.) She also says it’s convenient because it’s at the same time that Kris is going through menopause. Hey, quick, name one thing you didn’t care to learn about Kris Jenner today.
So while the dudes are hanging out in the kitchen (but not with either of the dudes who made the trip I don’t think) the ladies are hanging out in the living room. For some reason they ask where Kim is, which is perfect for us to cut to Kim. Suddenly she’s wearing makeup, in a swimsuit, going to the hot tub. Her swimsuit is pretty ridiculous. I can’t tell which is more ridiculous though, the swimsuit’s pattern or style. And why is she wearing makeup when she was just crying? Regardless, she says she needs some space.
The next day Khloe and Kourtney talk about how Kim was krying last night. They just decide that “we won’t do that anymore,” I think in regard to being a bitch to her. They feel bad because she’s been teamed up on. Way to stick to your guns. You know what I love? Resolutions that aren’t actually resolutions, just avoidance. Khloe says, “We’ll just call it a wash, who cares?”
It’s like a Wellbutrin commercial. POOR THING!
Kris has arranged for everybody to go dogsledding. Kim tells us that sounds amazing, and she says it with the deadest eyes possible. Work on your acting skills sweetheart. Side note, when do you think Kim starts starring in shit movies like The Hottie and the Nottie, etc.? Does she need to do some cameo work first before people begin respecting her acting talent? Despite how AMAZING dogsledding sounds, Kim fakes being sick and goes home because she doesn’t want to be with her family.
Back at the cabin, Kim calls up Reggie to komplain. She talks about everything being depressing, and then we see the ENTIRE family having a blast at the dogsledding place. Then we see Kim say she’d rather be home if she’s being miserable than being miserable there. More shows of fun. I think they’re pointing out the fun Kim is missing. But you know she’d totally hate it anyways. I’m actually surprised she was out on the slopes at all. Reggie asks why she doesn’t just come home. He totally wants to record himself fucking her.
That night everyone is sitting around and randomly someone asks where Kim is. Khloe goes to look for her. Opens the bedroom door, no one there, bathroom door, no one there. Khloe looks in the closet, sees no clothes or suitcases. After some fantastic sleuthing, she notices a note on the bed. Well, surely Kim just went somewhere and took all her shit. Maybe the salon. Or the dogsled place. But, Khloe then reads the letter. And it’s from Kim! She left! And Khloe can read! Maybe!
The note says something about being treated with disrespect (which isn’t the same thing as throwing someone’s fucking cell phone, you vapid hag) and Khloe also reads the word “vacay.” Kim fucking bitches and pouts the whole time and not everyone pandered to her the entire time, so she’s outs. Man, her life is terrible.
You could have made a friend who really understood you, biatch.
So this is totally real. Kim says getting home wasn’t as easy as she thought: she has to go to the bus station. Right. Kim Kardashian is going to ride a bus. Ok, I could kind of believe her leaving the family or whatever, but this is absolute shit. She “listens” to the voicemail Khloe left her, and she’s waiting in the empty bus station. She decides to call Reggie and, tearfully, she says she thinks she’s going to stay. Flex those acting chops!
So she walks back in with her bags and shit, and everyone is so happy she’s back. Khloe tackles her, Kris takes her own phone and throws it against the ground, Kendall and Kylie barely nod in her direction. God this is fucking retarded. She fucking ran away, gets all the attention (which is just was she needs) and then comes back and everyone is so happy because they were so worried. She’s a fucking adult. I may have just had an aneurism.
So later that night, Kim plays Catchphrase (I think it’s that game) with everyone, and they all get along! Hooray for happy endings. And avoiding resolutions, which is in itself a resolution! Also, Bruce sets his alarm for 6:30 to go skiing with the boyz. Kris tells him she loves him the way he is, he doesn’t need to go all mid-life, and that settles it. He’s standing up the dudes. And, since I’m sure he was actually invited, they’re totally going to be very worried in the morning. I bet they cancel going skiing and send out a search party for Bruce. Well, first the call, but it Bruce doesn’t answer, then it’s search party. Yes, that’s surely going to throw a kink in their plans to go skiing. Have I driven home the lack of believability yet? Ok good.
Where’s your stick with the little bandana sack on the end?
So that was the episode. What do you think? Kim’s swimsuit: awesome, or greatest swimsuit ever? Were those dudes actors or really ski instructors? And don’t you hate this entire family except for occasionally Bruce and Kendall and Kylie (and sometimes Kris I guess)?