Keeping Up With the Kardashians: So Much Chickenshit

I’m still trying to recover from my drinking bender this weekend, so if there’s anything that doesn’t make sense in this recap of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you can just blame it on that. Or me still being drunk from St. Patrick’s Day. Or me being drunk now.

This week we learn that Rob is still alive, there’s a difference between “organic” and “fresh from a chicken”, and that Khloe is like me in that she isn’t sure which of her youngest sisters is which.

Which one are you?

We start off with everyone eating and talking about how awesome their dinner is (nice work maid!) and Rob always misses Thursday night dinner. He always comes home with laundry, so he doesn’t have any? Then we see his girlfriend (former Cheetah girl) explaining to him how to do laundry. Dude, just make her do it. That’s love.

So I guess the next day the older girls and Rob all get lunch, and they ask where he’s been. Apparently they didn’t know that he had a real girlfriend. He’s hesitant to bring her around, and who wouldn’t be with those accepting, realistic siblings. Also, in an episode I saw last season, they spied on him on his last date. The girls can’t believe that Rob is in love, but luckily he has proof. You know what a great idea is? Getting someone’s name tattooed on you. And luckily Rob has great ideas all the time.

Kourtney seems bewildered by this. Her full name is tattooed on his side/chest. Hopefully this whole thing works out because it’s going to be hard to find another girl with that exact name. Adrienne Bailon isn’t exactly a common name. But if he does find another girl with that name, she’ll totally believe it was fate. And really, who’s to say it isn’t? Would you? If so, you’ve got some nerve. The girls ask if Adrienne got a tattoo too, and he said yeah. Then it’s off to the bathroom. Seriously, everyone on this show goes to the bathroom during meals. It’s like the PA’s are like “Hmm, we need an original way to get people off-screen. I’ve got it! The bathroom! It’s, like, totally fresh!”

Bulimia is a useful plot device on this show.

Because I always go to the bathroom leaving my stuff on the table, I know how it goes. Sometimes I just leave giant wads of hundreds out on the table. There’s no point to that story, I just wanted to say it. Anyways, Rob leaves his phone on the table. Well, Kourtney may be too good to snoop in her boyfriend’s phone unless someone does the work, but she’s not too good to snoop in her brother’s phone. So she looks for Adrienne’s number. Kim tries to play sane sister, I think, or maybe caring sister or something, and she’s thinks Kourtney is krazy. I’m pretty sure none of these chicks are remotely sane.

Kris tells us that everyone has been eating horribly lately, and she wants to get them back on track. And the thing that brings this up is Kim having a piece of cake. Need to keep that ass in shape. Apparently that’s all we need to get some sort of backstory to this plotline, but there are more pressing things, so screw Kris, we check back in with Kourtney and Khloe.

She’s calling Adrienne. Apparently they’re calling her on the way home from dinner, so they’re not fucking around here. They ask her to meet them for coffee later that night, and Adrienne agrees, but she does so probably because she’s been put on the spot. She also laughs, like “what the fuck is up with these krazy bitches.” Kourtney says that the sisters are always meddling in everyone’s private life, case in point last week with her and Scott. Since that’s now better, why not try to ruin Rob’s relationship that appears to be much healthier? She makes a great point.

Time to kill some love. Can you hear me now?

Ok, we’re back to Kris at home with Kim. Kim brings in her trainer/nutritionist to clean up the shit they’ve been eating. She takes it seriously and starts going through the refrigerator, throwing things away. She then asks where the eggs are, and there aren’t any left because they were used for the delicious cake Kim was enjoying earlier. So why not have your own coop? Yes nutritionist, that’s a great idea. It won’t smell or result in hilarious consequences at all. Seriously, I refuse to believe that is even a remote possibility. Obviously, Kris is on board. Following that, Kim and Kris get in a whipped cream fight which is strangely erotic. I mean, uh, strange.

Kourtney explains the backstory behind the chicken coop. Apparently, Kris has a friend who has a chicken coop, and Kris is using this as the chance to pull even. They all think it’s ridiculous, including Bruce who hates chickens, but reminds us he won the Olympics eating all eggs. I think he used the term “won the Olympic games” also. No one will talk her out of it though, she’s getting the chickens.

That night Adrienne, who’s going to meet the Kourt and Khloe for koffee, shows up to the store. Khloe says they’re really not going to bombard her, it’s more of a physical berating. Adrienne must also promise not to tell Rob because then he’ll get angry for multiple reasons. I am not sure she will end the night alive. So they all go to get koffee and there’s a lot of boring relationship buzzwords thrown out by Adrienne and it doesn’t look like Khloe says one word. But the girls both agree that she’s good enough for Rob, I think.

I wonder what she tastes like.

The next night Rob actually invites her over for dinner with his family. She walks in and meets Kendal and Kylie, and I can’t really tell if they recognize who she is or not. They could recognize her at least, right? Rob asks if Adrienne is more beautiful in person to Kris and the young K’s, and everyone says yes. And everyone can say along his response to that with me: “She looks even better naked.” Oh, what? You wouldn’t have said that?

Um, the girls eventually do recognize that Adrienne is a Cheetah girl. I’m not exactly sure what that entails, but one of the girls had just seen a Cheetah Girls movie or something. Then Kendal and Kylie pick her up and carry her around the house, because, uh, hmm. Why not?

So, possibly later that night or maybe some other night, Rob and Adrienne are eating dinner somewhere and talking about his sisters. Adrienne sees herself in one of them and wants to take her to India for Cheetah Girls 3 filming. Suddenly, the music stops. What’s this Cheetah Girls 3 bullshit? Now Rob and Adrienne are together all the time, and they’ve been together three months, and now she’s just going to India for three months? Perhaps they should have thought about this. And perhaps spending every second together isn’t great when you’re going to be on the opposite side of Earth for a prolonged period of time. And if she loved him she wouldn’t go to India. Rob even uses the phrase “I need to see you every day.” How very healthy and not-co-dependent this relationship is. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to work out for these two krazy kids.

How am I supposed to understand what the hell you’re talking about if you turn Indian?

Rob is home with Kourt and Khloe and they’re talking about how he’s depressed that “Cheetah nuts” is going to India. He says he’s not worried that she’ll cheat on her, but he probably just doesn’t want to not see her. Kourtney says he doesn’t have anything to worry about because she’s really honest. He asks how they know anything about it. They spill the beans, and he seems to not care at all. How anti-climactic.

Two weeks later, Rob is carrying Adrienne around his family’s house. I bet the family liked it more when they were just gross in private. Khloe is ok with it because after their dad died, Rob really didn’t have an opportunity to act all immature, and she appreciates that Adrienne likes it. I am going to actually refuse to argue with that. And I feel sick to my stomach because even though it’s acceptable, I shouldn’t agree with her about anything. Actually, it turns out that it’s Adrienne’s last dinner in America before she heads off to India, but they’ve got global phone plans or whatever. Also, Adrienne is taking Rob’s cologne with her. That’s silly though. I doubt anyone will care what she smells like in India, and why would she want to smell like a dude?

At some point Kris takes the older K’s to a barn to get chickens. Kris is a big fan of the pigeons she mistakes for chickens though, and she wants to take the cute ones. Such a conundrum, they’re all so cute! This was such a terrible idea. Kris takes one chicken out and holds it. Surprisingly, chickens don’t like being held. Who holds a chicken? After that there’s a lot of screaming and chasing and bawking and failing to catch a chicken. The climax is when Kris catches it finally and it shits on her.

Something in common with Kim!

Rob takes Adrienne to the airport and they say their heartfelt goodbyes. I also noticed that they’re both wearing some sort of ring or something around their ring fingers, and I wonder if this is a coincidence or if something was edited out. Adrienne cries a little, Rob cries like a little girl, and then she leaves. What is he, human or something?

Kris has made eggs for everyone because they’re all fresh now. The girls all say they taste gross and dirty, and Kris thinks they’re all krazy. Even the dog refuses to eat the eggs. Rob calls and is sad, so Kourtney says he should come over and hang out. He would rather just go home, so he gets off the phone, but Kourtney has a great idea of something they can do!

Kylie is worried that it’s too cold outside for the chickens, so she and Khloe bring some of the chickens inside since Kris loves them so much. They decide to just leave them in one of the bathtubs and just walk away. Meanwhile, at his place, Rob is just looking at pictures of he and Adrienne together on his computer. I’m not sure if it’s making him more miserable or making him feel better. But he should feel much better knowing Kourtney’s got some sort of torture planned that’s supposed to make him feel better.

Back at the house, Bruce is working on his putting game. He goes into the bathroom and there’s chickenshit all over the tub. It’s slightly harder to believe the authenticity when we see Bruce go into the bathroom from the outside, then we cut to a camera angle inside the bathroom. Not everyone who watches reality TV is retarded E!. Some of us are only mildly retarded.

Those chickens made me so mad they froze my face.

Bruce comes downstairs and asks whose idea it was, and immediately, Khloe blames Kylie. What a great sister. It’s like she was hoping someone would suggest something so she could create some shenanigans and not be at fault for it. How old is she? Like, 40? So the chickens are now shitting all over the house, and Bruce packs up the SUV that night to take them somewhere. A quick, failed experiment.

Sometime later, Rob meets up with Khloe and Kourt at Dash and they’ve gotten him a gift to help cheer him up. It’s a camcorder, and he has no idea what to do with it. Then they give him an envelope that they say will explain everything. And it does, because it has his trip itinerary to Indiaaaa! (That’s how Khloe said it.) Again, I call bullshit, because why wouldn’t he have just gone himself. And it’s not like the girls paid for it. So this is all a weak ruse to make it seem like the girls are really worried about Rob. Or, at least the girls except for Kim. Regardless of whose idea it actually was, Rob is grateful for it.

But how in the hell are you gonna understand what I’m talking about if I turn Indian?

Possibly the next night, Bruce brings home dinner for everybody, and even though I’m mildly retarded, even I could guess he’d brought home chicken. He tries to force Khloe to eat it for bringing in the chickens, but she keeps blaming Kendal for it. That’s funny, because at first it was Kylie. Regardless, the episode ends with everyone sitting around happy and laughing except for Rob, and possibly Kim who really wasn’t in this episode at all anyways.

So what did you think? Was any of that realistic and not contrived aside from anything with Rob’s girlfriend? And do you think it was really the sisters’ idea to have him to go Rob, or was it written to look that way?