Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Someone Almost Becomes a Lady (of course not Kim)

I spent this past week and weekend in Las Vegas and I’m going to have to go back because I forgot all of my money there. Actually on the cab ride back to the airport I nearly told the driver to take me to the homeless shelter. But I did some things I’m not proud of and managed to get back home. On an unrelated note, we saw the Girls Next Door and wound up at the same club as them. You may see me on TV. I’m the dude in line not screaming as the girls walk in.

On the E! show I actually recap, I refuse to admit I’m wrong, Bruce remembers high school, and we see what Kim looked like 12 years ago (hint: smaller ass).

Most uncomfortable episode of a reality show ever.

The show starts with Khloe singing a song about having mail. She opens it up and it’s a package with a container of condoms inside of it. She tries to pretend like it’s just some weird thing that gets sent to Dash, like it happens all the time. Right. I get work things sent to my house all the time. You have no idea how many times I get condoms sent here when they should be sent to work. I mean, I do work at the Condom Store. It’s in the mailing address.

Apparently included in the package are instructions on how to put condoms on. Personally I was hoping they would read through them, because I’ve always wondered. But Kendal and Kylie begin snooping around, and Bruce tells them they don’t need any. And, damnit, I just remembered what this episode was about. Allow this to be the first time I’ve been uncomfortable this episode.

Khloe offers Bruce a kondom but he says he’s cool. Then she says that he should get her a vibrator for Christmas. Kourtney standing right there says, “Don’t think she doesn’t have one.” I’m slightly uncomfortable at this, but it could be worse, so we won’t count that. So Khloe says they should go look for them. Bruce doesn’t think she does, but the girls go scavenge anyways. I know exactly how they feel too. I’ve spent so much time looking for all of my mom’s vibrators. It’s like totally normal to do.

The girls search and find shit, so Bruce is feeling pretty good and right. So Khloe calls Kris up and asks where the motherload of vibrators is. Unfortunately Kris has neither a vibrator NOR a dildo. What kind of animal is she? Neither? Disgusting.

Next you’re gonna tell me that you’ve never done a dude on the internet to get a reality show. LOSER.

After the credits we see what we’re supposed to believe is Kris and Bruce cooking breakfast for everyone, and they ask what Kendal wants for breakfast. She doesn’t want anything because they make everything bad. Kris says that’s not nice and asks if she’s turning into a teenager, which is greeted with a curt No.

Kris tells us that Kendal is copping a pretty big attitude lately, and it’s easily recognizable because she’s seen it at least three times before (and constantly with one daughter). Kendal is turning into a little biatch lately. I hope this gets more graphic. Because I feel like it’s going to, and that would be pleasant. In a terrible, I’m not a young girl kind of a way.

Kris gets a call from someone at a dance group or something. I believe the title was “Los Angeles Parks Old School Crew Dancers.” But probably spelled crazier. Kris asks if they want to talk to Kim, but, nope, Kris is the one they’re looking for. They want Kris to come and audition for them. Oh, also, they’re an over-40 dance group that dances for the Lakers. Kris tells us a sob story about how she couldn’t be a cheerleader 40 years ago because she got a “bad grade” before tryouts. I’m guessing it was a plus sign. So she’s totally on board.

Kris goes to tell the girls and Bruce who are all conveniently sitting around about her opportunity. The girls think she’s crazy. She goes on to say that they wear black spandex, and thus begins a cameltoe conversation. Phew, I was afraid I wouldn’t ever type “cameltoe.” My life is now complete.

My mom is ttly gonna have cameltoe omg f ing shoot my face.

Khloe asks Kendal to help put some pans away or something, and Kendal makes a pretty big fuss about it. Kourtney asks if she’s ever done a chore in her life. Right. I’m supposed to believe the older Kardashians had it so rough when their celebrity lawyer father with his trophy wife were slumming in Malibu or some shit and the girls had to DO LAUNDRY! PUT DISHES AWAY! THE HORROR!

Well Kendal doesn’t do shit. We see her acting like a brat (pmsing) to her older sisters and to Kylie also. And they all think that she’s about to become a woman. The girls ask Kylie if she knows what a period is, and she says it’s how you know when the stork is coming. Or isn’t coming. She says she just overheard adults yelling about it before. Or she bluntly stated “It’s when blood comes out of your vagina.” The sisters all laugh about it, and apparently Kylie is comfortable with it, but Kendal isn’t.

They teach Kylie the finer points of tampons and pads, and Kylie asks how to use a tampon. That starts the caravan into the bathroom and the door closes. Then we hear from inside…Ok, I can’t even finish that without making myself uncomfortable. Khloe just says get me a pair of panties. Panties!

A period means you’re old enough to run away. Go on.

You know, Kris isn’t just on the Ole Skool Crew (I was right, spelled with sass!). She has to audition for it. So she brings Kylie, Kendal and KBruce along with her to the studio. They introduce her to the team and they all clap. Hmm, have I seen a solo introduction to a group of a Kardashian “participant” to be met with applause before? Yes, yes I believe I have.

Kris says she’s nervous, and Bruce, decked out in Team USA tracksuit, tells her to relax and feel the beat. He tells us that he got best dancer in high school, and then we see him doing some sort of, I guess, dancing? In the middle of the Ole Skewl Krew dancers circled around him. It’s awkward.

Searching for mom’s vibrators? Check. Discussing periods? Check. Bruce Jenner dancing? Alright, E! You’ve gone too far.

You know what else is awkward? Kris Kardashian dancing. It looks pretty bad. So obviously she’s not going to get the part, right? Because they’re not going to play favorites with these kameras here. She’s going to get the same, rough treatment as any other person auditioning. But my instincts are terrible, because they think she’s a great dancer, and she’s on the team (if she agrees to practice)! Hooray! Bruce says they should call Chris Judd to get her some work. Is he the dude who married Ashley Judd and took her name? I’ll assume it is.

Later the older K’s and Bruce are gathered around talking about the Kendal situation. She’s even acting differently to Bruce. Suddenly she won’t hug him, or hold his hand, and forget about French kissing. He says this girl puberty stuff is all new to him, so it’s better to just let the girls handle it. Hands-off parenting, the most half-assed of all parenting. Khloe says that all of her questions will be answered in complete, graphic, horrific detail, and I’m not sure if Bruce is more terrified or I am. It’s probably me since I’ll have to witness it later, whereas he’s off the hook. Jerk.

Kris is now getting her dancing lessons with Chris Judd, and suddenly she’s a much better dancer. Well, not much better. I’m pretty sure this is an accurate portrayal. She really can’t dance. As she’s working on the routine, we see her start hopping (did we see any of that at the audition?) and for some reason the camera cuts away to Kendal. Then we hear a scream and she’s hurt? But we didn’t see her fall. Seriously, they don’t even try to edit this show well. There’s no reason they shouldn’t have shown her fall if it actually happened.

Call J Lo and tell her whatever I did, I’m sorry. I can’t live this life anymore! Take me baaaaack!

So they do what any normal person would do, they call EMTs? Choreographer Chris says she felt her knee pop. So they wrap an ice pack around it. Hmm, maybe that was some sort of emergency response team at the gym they were at. Regardless, it was pointless. The dude says she should go see her doctor and get X-rays, but she just decides to go home and rest it and hope she’s better for her audition. Oh will she ever be better. The suspense. Is killing. Me.

Kourt and Khloe are trying to force Kendal into a conversation about what it means to become a lady. When blood comes out of her vagina. Kendal says she knows what hormones are but doesn’t think it’s happening right now. Regardless, the girls are going to talk to her about it. Why can’t Kris do it? Oh, probably because that’s not as entertaining. I feel sorry for Kendal. Mainly because of her sisters.

Kris is back home and she’s been icing her knee for, like, two hours, and it’s not better yet. What the hell, it’s probably broken. Although I’m pretty sure if it was broken it would have healed by now. She decides to call her doctor, and he says she could have torn something, so he wants to get a scan. I hope he tells her he needs to operate. Because she’s gullible. Two days later she appears to be walking fine on the knee (into the hospital) but apparently she tore her meniscus so she needs knee surgery. Bah. I refuse to admit I was wrong and that she may have actually hurt herself, so this must all be some sort of elaborate prank. Right? Am I right???

Honey could you get the shaker and the Absolut that goes along with this bag of ice? I’m in pain here!

The surgery goes fine and Kris is back home recovering, looking exactly how she did when she called her doctor the first time. Khloe and Kourtney got her a present since she couldn’t fulfill her cheerleader fantasy, and it’s a cheerleader outfit. Hot.

Later, Kim and Kendal are sitting on the couch and Khloe comes down and asks Kylie to be her assistant. Because Kylie was asking a lot of period questions, they’re going to do a demonstration. Um, of, uh, stuff. Kendal is squirming only slightly less than I am, partly because I feel bad for her being uncomfortable, and partly because it’s easier for me to pretend none of this exists.

After the demonstration, Khloe thinks it would be fun if they watched the video of Kendal’s birth. Yeah, that sounds like a blast. We see shots of Kim and Kourtney when they look pretty young. Ugh. Virtually everyone is really, really disgusted at the video. My favorite part was when someone yelled, “Mom peed on you!” It looks like Kim and Khloe were actually crying. I didn’t even know they had feelings.

Even the dog is looking away.

So that’s this week’s episode. I’m glad we had all that build up and still Kendal still hasn’t become a woman yet. Which means I’ll have to deal with it for real later. Or I guess maybe not. What did you think of the episode? Not enough period talk? Not enough Chris Judd? Not enough childbirth shown?