Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Try To Act Not Angry All the Time

This week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Khloe realizes what her lifelong dream is, Kim learns to appreciate work (again), and I get drunk halfway through the episode. Try to guess exactly where it happened!

I don’t want to look. Just do what you have to do and leave me.

Khloe is working at the store and says it gets boring sometimes. Then we see various shots of her “working” and she uses the phrase “You’re welc.” She should be horribly beaten for that. She goes on to say the Kim’s role at Dash was to be at the store all the time too, and then we see Kim leave. See, Kim is a fame whore, and as such, she’s been whoring herself out for various things which get her out of work. Khloe wants a piece of that action though.

No fair! I wanna be a whore!

I think Khloe misunderstands what Kim does. Khloe says wants to do something kreative. What does she have in mind? Only the most creative original idea ever thought of by anyone ever. She wants to take an acting class! When she tells Kourtney this, Kourt is shocked. Khloe asks if she thinks she won’t be good at it, and she does it in a very angry “I’m 6 inches taller and I will destroy you if you disagree with me” tone. So Kourtney backtracks and says she thinks Khloe will be awesome at it, the shock is from never hearing that before. Phew, nice save. And a beating is avoided for another day.

Since Kourtney avoided the beating, she wants to show Khloe an acting technique that she learned, probably from the many acting classes she’s already been through trying to get a piece of what Kim has. Kourtney takes Khloe’s hand and swings her around in circles until she’s able to pull her to the ground. What follows is a severe beating that I thought was inappropriate for prime time.

Kris tells us that Bruce sucks at fashion and he dresses poorly. Then he walks into the room and we see what he’s wearing, and he doesn’t look that bad. She says he looks like a grandfather. But has she checked out his face? He still looks like the day he turned 30 and had his face nearly stretched out of recognition and lost all ability to change expressions. She tells him that he needs to dress better because he looks like he’s representing the homeless. That’s really going to rile up all of the homeless organizations who are at least able to coordinate their tattered clothes.

Sorry, there’s already someone representing the homeless. And he has the socks to prove it.

She tells him his attire is embarrassing before he leaves, but she’s not satisfied with just nagging. So she takes a garbage bag up to his room and empties out some of the clothes she hates. But she’s not going to destroy them so no one will ever have them? Her philanthropy starts with her landscapers who are not interested in any of that old guy’s clothes.

Kris says she’s hired a stylist who she’s heard good things about so he’s going to give Bruce some sort of makeover. She tells Bruce, and he says he doesn’t need a stylist. And he says it terribly passively. Way to put your foot down Bruce. She’s totally going to cancel the stylist now since you seem so ambivalent about it.

I wonder how they decide which plotlines they’ll jam into which episode. Khloe drops the bomb on Kris that she wants to take acting classes because she’s getting bored of being at the store all the time. It must suck to make way too much for occasionally working and doing nothing physically or mentally tasking. I know I turn down jobs all the time because they just want to pay me to do nothing. American dream? Not for me. Kris says Khloe would make a great actress, and Khloe says it will give her something to do with her creative juices so she won’t have to kill her sisters all the time. I might be paraphrasing now, but who really cares, and they all mess up cliches all the time so who could really tell anyways?

The stylist shows up for Grandpa Jenner and it’s a fabulous gentleman named Eric Archibald. Kris tell us he’s styled a lot of people in Hollywood like JLo and Puffy. Why do people continue to call him Puffy? It’s Diddy. And it has been for years, so saying Puffy is just dated. Bruce is wearing one of his finest plaid shirts that actually matches his Nikes. If this Eric character thinks Bruce doesn’t know fashion, he’s obviously just been proven wrong. Eric takes note, politely packs up his things and then leaves.

Start with the face.

Kris points out that she’s not sure how comfortable Bruce is with this in general, but since Eric is a gay dude, that may make him even more uncomfortable. Homophobic undertones, I’m glad you made it to the show. Eric starts out getting Bruce’s measurements, and Bruce looks vaguely comfortable. Eric points out that Bruce has really long arms, which he says is “sort of sexy.” That will go a long way to loosening Bruce up, I’m sure. Then it’s time for the inseam measurement. It’s not like Bruce wasn’t expecting it, gay or straight stylist. It’s not like they’re a big deal though. There’s discomfort, partial erections, and then no mention of it ever again. What, that doesn’t happen to everyone?

Well E! made sure to make the point that Bruce is uncomfortable. Before he takes the measurement, Eric says “I don’t mind going down” and we’re supposed to believe that he stopped there, despite the fact that it sounded like he continued talking. I actually hope he said something much dirtier and that was the cleanest thing that E! could use. Although it would have been funnier if they had just bleeped out everything he said after “going down” regardless of whether it was dirty or not.

Kris went upstairs to get the girls to meet Eric, and wouldn’t you know it? They all walk in as Eric is on his knees taking the inseam measurements. They couldn’t have scripted it any better! Seriously. They couldn’t have. Unless maybe it looked like it actually happened.

The girls all comment that Bruce looks really uncomfortable. Apparently Bruce is now going to go shopping with Eric, and he’s none too pleased about it. He pulls Kris aside and voices his concerns that Eric will make him look faggy. Actually he says fluffy, but let’s not sugarcoat it. This dude has styled tons of people, I think he probably knows how to keep straight guys looking straight. I wish I could tell if this was truly a Bruce Jenner concern or just the writers being uninspired hacks.

Honey, I’m worried about my cornhole.

Kim is at Dash and she’s bitching about Khloe. Apparently Khloe knows all about web-design. I heard she wrote her thesis on Javascript. And shortening two syllable words to one syllable. Like welc. Actually, thinking back on it, maybe she was making an allusion to Lawrence Welk. My grandparents stay in and watch that on Saturday nights. Maybe comparing people to Lawrence Welk is hip now. And if it’s not, it certainly should be.

Um, slight digression. Anyways, Kim has been talking up this website for 6 months, and it’s Khloe’s responsibility. It’s really hard to find a good web-design guy nowadays though, so you can see why she would drag her feet. Also, Kim is wearing those high pants that are hideous and that I hope never become socially acceptable again. Kim says she’s paying for the website, so it should be Khloe’s job to actually do all the shit with it. Well, Kim is sick of waiting around, so she’s going to be proactive. Howso? By calling her sister who is at Smooch, the store 4 doors down and probably approximately 30 feet from Dash and telling her to come over.

Let’s check in with Bruce, because if we follow one plotline for too long, we’ll forget what’s happening in the other! He and Eric are driving, but Bruce isn’t too excited about going shopping with one of “the gays.” Ok, he didn’t say that. Yet. So he says he’s going into stall mode. He drives to some golf shop or something. He tells Eric he’s just going in quickly, and he leaves him in the car. But I hope he left him with the windows rolled down, because he’ll overheat if Bruce is gone too long. And then he’s committed a hate crime. Bruce actually walks in and says he needs to work on his swing. Fuck him. It’s fucking 70 degrees and perfect in California, and he’s going indoors to work on his golf swing. Stalling or not, Bruce Jenner is a dick for rubbing Chicago weather in my face.

Ok, now that that’s over we can get back to the Kardashian sisters. Khloe asks Kim what the “emerge” is, and I’m going to beat her with a lead pipe. Kim says it’s really unprofessional to not have the website up, and Khloe says that’s the final step that needs to be done. Well, that and, you know, making up the inventory and stuff. But Khloe is validated because she can’t do that herself without Kim’s input. But Khloe doesn’t just sit around all day. She sits around and dreams. Dreams about what? Acting, hosting, going to photoshoots. She tells Kim this, and Kim says that’s great and Khloe kan go do all those things and Kim will stay and work at the store. I don’t think anyone is really clamoring to get Khloe into photoshoots. At least by herself. But I heard that she is up for hosting Late Night once Conan moves to the Tonight Show. She dreams of hosting!

How bout that LA traffic, huh?

Eric gets fed up waiting in the car for Bruce to get back, so he goes into the store and finds Bruce. Apparently he only waited 15 minutes, so it’s not actually enough that it will cost them that much more for his time. Unless he bills it as an hour suckers! Bruce makes Eric take a swing, and Eric treats it like a photoshoot. But finally they go shopping, and again Bruce tells us that he doesn’t want to end up looking faggy. He really says he hopes Eric doesn’t dress him like Eric would dress himself, but I see nothing amazingly gay about what Eric is wearing, so Bruce must have much better radar than me.

Eric goes through picking out things for Bruce, and Bruce is basically complaining about everything Eric is picking. The things he hates most he responds to with “that’s something you would wear” to Eric. That is the nicest way of saying the worst thing that Bruce can come up with to voice his displeasure.

Back at the house, Kourt asks Khloe if she wants to go out since it’s her big night off of work. Khloe says it sounds good but she’s actually found some acting classes. And wouldn’t you know it? There’s one tonight! And somehow Khloe drags Kourtney along, because I believe it’s impossible to do anything without at least two Kardashians present. And by “do anything” I mean “get recognized.” Otherwise you just look like an asshole with a camera crew.

Immediately the acting coach/teacher says that Khloe and Kourtney are there, but Khloe corrects that Kourt is just there for support. The actors all get started by loosening up and immediately Khloe gets the giggles because they’re making weird noises! The teacher/coach stops everyone and says there’s no smiling in acting. Unless you’re acting happy. How meta (and not said. That’s right, I’m taking credit for that. Copyrighted). Khloe can’t keep a straight face, and I’m sure having Kourt there for support is helping a lot, so the teacher/coach has her star pupil set an example. This girl does a good job, except she’s wearing a scarf and a tanktop. Her neck is incredibly cold, but the rest of her is cool. Maybe she’s just covering her football-sized goiter though. Anyways, everyone does it, and Khloe is still smiling and not taking it seriously. I wonder if, and I’m really hoping, she’ll get kicked out.

Sorry. The role of Wynona Judd has already been cast.

If Khloe isn’t at work, that must mean that Kim is. Kim is going to take responsibility for doing the website. She thinks that she can just work for a couple hours and get the whole thing knocked out. Then we see her with a mannequin and it’s literally defeating her. Apparently years of owning her own clothing store and “working” in it hasn’t prepared her for taking pictures of mannequins. I am not surprised.

Now Khloe is in a scene with a dude, and she’s supposed to portray angry. I’m sure that will be a big stretch for her. It actually just seems like her talking normally as a very angry person, so I wasn’t impressed. But the dude she was with ended the scene with a kiss, and everyone watching thought it was awesome. Khloe pretends to be all disgusted when she tells us the story, but we all know that she really loved it.

Apparently she also had to do the scene a bunch of times and she kissed some other dude. But all in all she had a good experience, so her acting dream lives for another few hours.

How’s my breath?

It’s good Eric is getting paid to be with Bruce, because there is no fucking way I would be patient. I wonder if he also gets paid to be on the show. Nah, he probably volunteered for the publicity. Anyways, Bruce goes to the dressing room and he’s already wearing a different shirt than before as he pulls the curtain back to close it, but he tells Eric “no peeking.” Get it? Bruce is uncomfortable! However, he has no problem with the mannequin staring at him. But you know what? Bruce loved how he looked. Apparently he had nothing to worry about. By the end, the two are even touching! Quite the odd couple, these two. And Bruce left behind all of his old clothes at the store. At which point they were thrown away. Or held on to for two years until this year’s ugly becomes the fashion trend. Eric wants to take Bruce out for a drink and Bruce agrees as long as it’s just a quick one. Eric says he’s good at quickies, and Bruce doesn’t get uncomfortable. It’s amazing how shopping can erase hatred.

Back to the acting class, the teacher/coach calls up Kourtney and asks if she wants to give acting a shot. She’s going to do an argument scene with Khloe. It appears that all Khloe does well is act like a slut or act angry. If only there was some reason why that would be. The scene blows, so the teacher/coach makes them do it again about something real. Khloe tells us that it’s easy, she’ll just pretend that Kourtney is Kim. We see shots of Kim struggling with mannequins interspersed in the scene, and the scene doesn’t look that much better, and I’ve just become annoyed. Khloe did have a great time though, and she still hasn’t lost interest completely yet.

Bruce and Eric are at whatever bar they went to, and Bruce says he’s never been there before. Eric says it’s The Abbey and he knows Bruce will love it. Then we see one dude nibbling on another dude’s ear. Oh. I believe that means it must be some sort of gay-friendly bar. It doesn’t appear to take Bruce too long to realize it though. The waiter comes over and recognizes Bruce from Can’t Stop the Music, a movie Bruce was in that apparently has a gay following. Bruce talks to the waiter a little bit, and Eric gets angry that the waiter is moving in on his man. The date ends and Bruce is excited to go home with his clothes. And he doesn’t seem to hate gays at all. It’s almost as if it was some sort of storyline made up for entertainment. But that couldn’t possibly be…

You’re a nice guy. I’m just gonna beat you with a baseball bat while the cameras are rolling and then we can get that to go box.

It’s late and Kim is still at Dash. She calls Kris to find out what all she needs to do for inventory for the website. Kris tells her it’s a lot of work. Apparently it takes more than 15 minutes, which is probably what Kim originally thought. She says she’s been at the store for hours and she aches all over. It’s actually a process. I believe that means that Kim will stop. She hangs up on Kris after telling her she has a long night ahead of her. Then she looks around at the mess she’s made and complains about work being hard. I wonder if she actually worked 8 hours?! Who even does that? Peasants probably. Or those dirty middle classers.

Bruce gets home with about a thousand bags full of clothes, and Kris, in front of all of her children, tells him to do her right there. It actually gets pretty heated until they realize they’re not alone when Bruce is rounding third base. Head first. Bruce recants the story about going to The Abbey and the girls, even Kendal and/or Kylie, know that it’s a gay bar. One of the girls ask if Bruce took anyone home from the gay bar, and I’m sure that was entirely organic and not set up by anyone behind the scenes. I think the girl was sad though.

The next day at Dash, Kourtney and Khloe get to work and it looks like a giant shitbomb went off. The door is even unlocked. And then Kim walks in behind them, saying she was taking pictures. Do you guys believe that Kim was working all night at the store trying to get the website set up?? Because I totally do!! She even looks that way with her makeup perfectly done and being very well rested! Kim relents that it’s not as easy as she thought to set up a website. Khloe says she appreciates the effort and Kim says she doesn’t realize how hard it was. Haven’t I seen some sort of movie where she’s said something similar to that?

While they’re picking up the mess left over from Kim’s retardation, Kim asks Khloe how the acting klass was. Khloe portrays the story as if she was some sort of heroine who was against all odds but managed to come out victorious against her oppressors. Kim tells us that she is inspired by Khloe because she wishes she could be like Khloe. And we all believe that Kim would give up years of hard-earned ass-molding to be like her much taller less attractive not-as-much-as fame whore sister.

Here’s a goal.

And the episode ends with the girls all horsing around saying hat angrily and not looking contrived at all. What did you think about the episode? Are you supposed to go into a reality show with a willing suspension of disbelief? Did Bruce really think Eric would sit in a car for a fucking hour while he worked on his golf swing? It looks like next week is going to be pretty awesome when one of the young girls may or may not get her period. I’m not exactly sure what that means, so I guess we’ll all be surprised.