Kell On Earth: The List

Ready for more Kell on Earth? I’m becoming such a Kelly-phile. She was on Ryan Seacrest’s morning show last week, and some dumb girl called in to tell her she wanted to break into fashion – but she had no experience, and couldn’t do an internship because she simply couldn’t work for no money. What would you suggest to help me break in, asked the idiot? “Get used to the idea of working for no money,” replied Kelly, not missing a beat. And now, back to the crisis of the list.

Goth Cavewoman chic.

So we pick up exactly where we left off, tense music and problems with the Chado Ralph Rucci list. Only 70% of the seating chart is printed. They have to write in the rest of the names. Everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off, babbling on senselessly about what a disaster the list is. Nobody thinks about sitting everyone around the table and just writing the part that’s missing. Although Former Assistant Stephanie does offer to cry. Kelly tells her not to. Poor Kelly. She’s so stressed out she completely misses the branding opportunity to tell her if she has to cry to go outside.

This girl needs a time out mat.

They finally get to the show and the list is still a mess. “We made them very aware of the situation,” Kelly tells us of the Chado Ralph Ruccis. Then she tells us they have a plan of looking the person up on the computer when they arrive, and seating them that way. Sounds like a fine idea to me. Kelly thinks they’re got it under control, and heads backstage to start setting up the show. Kelly’s got the whole backstage scene in the palm of her hand, while her “partners” Emily and Robyn, along with every other person who works for them, still can’t seem to manage the scene outside. And guess what’s STILL to blame? If you guessed the list, then you are officially smarter than every one of Kelly’s employees.

Backstage, Chado Ralph Rucci’s being a real pain in the ass. “I can’t stand when they come over here!” he cries dramatically to Kelly. About the press, by the way. Only the people you’re putting on the whole show for. So, Kelly dutifully kicks them out. Well, most of them out. Some get to stay, only they have to stand in the corner so as not to offend Princess Chado Ralph Rucci. “It’s my job to guard the designer,” Kelly explains to us. Meanwhile, her assistant Andrew is directing people “out outside”.

A hostess at Applebees has more skills.

Over in the front of the house, all hell’s breaking loose. “Next, next, let’s move it along!” yells “You say bitch like it’s a bad thing” Emily. Although, in this case, you have to be a bitch to get that line moving. There’s a lot of uninvited crashers, Emily reports. “We have an entire lobby jam-packed with people,” she says. Okay, and there’s your first problem. When you’re having a big event like that, with a tight gues tlist, don’t you have two checkpoints? One for invites, and then next for seating assignments? Well, People’s Revolution, you should. I’m a little disappointed.

But I’m going to have to get over it, because we’ve got bigger problems – people are crashing the front row! Apparently, Rosina Chado Ralph Rucci, who I think is the sister, is just telling all their friends to sit wherever they want in the front. Kelly storms the front of the house to get this shit straightened out and gets a lot of “Rosina told me to sit here”s. Rosina, of course, denies, denies, denies. “I’m sorry,” Kelly tells some guy as she kicks his ass out of his self-appointed front row seat. “You should be sorry,” Friend of Chado Ralph Rucci snaps back at her.

Mr Clean is a very important guest.

“These seats are for reviewers and celebrities,” Kelly tells us. Like Andre Leon Talley in a muumuu. While Kelly gets the actual people in the seats, Emily’s still up front talking about how mad she is about all the lobby milling people who were not invited. “How did they get that far?” she fumes. Well, they just strolled on in past your non-existent first checkpoint.

And finally, seating is done. Emily closes down check-in and the show begins. Princess Chado Ralph looks critically at the models, and perches his glasses on the end of his nose because he is a very, very serious designer. “Tell them to walk faster,” he snaps at Kelly. “Don’t walk to the beat, just walk fast!” she instructs them. This asshole doesn’t even make any sense, he just wants to be bossy.

Hokey Pokey! I want Hokey Pokey!

“I love that! I love that, too!” yells Kelly enthusiastically. Her cheerleader skills are…unnerving. She tells Princess Chado Ralph how great his first row is. I see the Alice In Wonderland looking guy from Launch My Line there, but it’s unclear if he’s living up to his reputation of being in the front row of every show or just cashing in a Bravo connection.

After the show, Emily and Robyn tell us they’re getting text messages from everyone telling them it was the best show of fashion week. I don’t know, that kind of sounds like the thing phony fashion people say to each other. Loved your show! Translation: Your front of house was fucked. But Kelly seems pleased. She gets Rosina Chado Ralph Rucci to agree that the show was good, but “there were a lot of people unhappy”. At this, Kelly waves the cameras the hell away. Time to do real business, Bravo, so beat it. I love her.

After the show, the team goes out to dinner to be upset and complain about people who weren’t invited “jamming up the line”. And people taking other people’s seats. “I worked extensive hours on this,” whines Robyn. Only Kelly has the brains not to waste time bitching about what went wrong. “This was an important brand, mistakes happened and Ralph was pissed. So we’ll see where it ends up,” she says simply.

And where it ends up is with Princess Chado Ralph firing Kelly. Kelly’s philosophical about it. She says she takes responsibility for the seating problems, but that “he didn’t allow himself to believe he had a great show.” Well, actually that was a bit of dopey new-age psychobabble, but better than whining about it. Furthermore, Chado Ralph is pissed that he didn’t get the cover of WWD, DVF did. Hey, jackass? When you refuse to talk to the press, they’re not going to write about you. But go ahead, blame Kelly who got you two free hours of TV exposure which you used to no effect besides proving that you’re a jerk. Who can’t count people or seats.

Somehow I doubt that’s Gatorade.

Kelly tells us the whole Chado thing was upsetting, so she goes to the live part of the live / work building to help her daughter pick her outfits for school. “This dress screams ‘I am so happy to be back at school!’” Kelly tells the kid. It’s pretty cute to see her styling for school. Kelly vetoes wearing heels to school, but manages to get the kid into a tie dyed muummu with a hood. What is it with fashion people and muummus? Then she’s back to the office, with instructions to her daughter not to forget to wash her hands or say thank you. Working Mom Segment, check.

It’s still fashion week, Kelly reminds us. And the next project is Genetic Denim. This is not a show, but an installation. Once again, Kelly’s office is in charge of RSVPs. Heaven help us all. I just don’t know if I can go through it again. So, this is a big deal for Genetic, they’ve never really done NYC before. We get a look at their line, including their jean leggings, which I wore in the 80′s and loved. I’m telling you, if it makes you look skinny, it will eventually come back.

They do a model casting. There’s two red-haired sisters that everyone goes crazy about, and some girl who’s spine is literally protruding from her back, who Kelly declares “they fit her perfectly”. Meanwhile, very, very ironically, Stephanie V., who we all know HAS NOT BEEN TRAINED, is busy training everyone else. I really can’t wrap my head around this bit of organizational stupidity. Of course, Stephanie tells us she’s sooooo above training sessions. The other Stephanie and Orange Andrew take a field trip to a hair salon where he does her hair. Ativan didn’t work, so he’s trying highlights.

You look like a Tim Burton drawing. You’re in!

Back at the ranch, Untrained Stephanie’s team of untrained interns are stamping 44 cent weight letters with 61 cent stamps. No one seems to have a problem with wasting 17 cents per letter, until one of the partners points it out. “No one taught me how to do it, of course things are going to be done wrong!” cries Stephanie. So, lets add putting postage on a letter to the training manual. I think it will actually be a good building block for the Checking Voicemail chapter. “We have to think and use our brains,” says Emily. Okay, in this case, being a bitch…well, it’s just being accurate.

“We have to be detail oriented,” continues Emily. Instead of learning from the incident, Stephanie just blames the interns. Hello, they weren’t TRAINED. She tells us that she was a finance major, but she decided she wanted to do something fun instead. Kelly’s assistant Andrew – who is wearing a one-shoulder black shirt and the sight of his one, pasty arm poking out is pretty much making my eyes burn – tells us matter-of-factly that he knew fashion week was going to suck but for some reason that didn’t click for her. She calls Ex Assistant Stephanie to ask her where the stamps are. Ex Steph’s first question is, “Did you look?” Well, was she trained to look? Be reasonable, Ex Steph.

The finance major who doesn’t understand stamps.

And having successfully screwed up postage, Stephanie V.’s reign of incompetence forges on to gift bags. She sets the interns up with plain white bags and some Sharpies. COME ON. Anyone who’s been in fashion more than four minutes knows you have to make a pretty gift bag! Anyone who’s a girl knows that. Anyway, when Kelly finds out, she justifiably hits the roof. “Is this how we’re sending the gift to the editors?” Kelly demands. She asks them whose idea this was. One of the interns named Tim blames Steph V. and then says something about, “so I just wrote on them with a fucking Sharpie.” Very professional!

“No tissue paper?” sniffs partner Robyn, who was sitting there the whole time, only getting her panties in a bunch when Kelly showed up. “This is fucking war!” screams Kelly, tearing through the halls of the live / work building. She gathers the interns and tells them not to make any decisions without having it approved by a partner. “This isn’t college, this is hundreds of millions of dollars of people’s money!” Kelly yells at her inept staff. “I wasn’t given any direction,” drones the battle cry of the Untrained Stephanie and it’s spawns.

We take a quick detour away from the gift bag crisis to visit the Genetic Denim installation. “It’s all about how the jeans feel,” oozes the designer. He has a room filled with raining crystals, like in the Bad Romance video. I want a room in my house like that. “Beautiful, humble, vulnerable, sweet,” is Kelly’s description of the installation. “Leaf shaped jeans hanging off a tree” is mine.

Someone’s gonna hurt themselves in this room.

And when she gets back to the office, the interns have re-done the gift bags…exactly as poorly as the first time around. I mean, exactly. “All that time yelling at them and they do the same thing!” Kelly yells. Yes, they’re morons, but weren’t you the one who told them not to do anything that wasn’t approved? So, who approved doing the same crap job twice? Steph V. whines a little more about how it isn’t fair to get blamed for everything. Kelly tells us that common sense is lacking in the youth of America. Sadly, she is correct. She’s over interns, and wants to start a school. She figures they can pay for the education. It’s actually not a bad idea. Meanwhile, Steph V. takes time to grab a snack in the break room.

Ex Assistant Stephanie is once again working on the list – this time for the Genetic Denim show. Ativan Andrew is standing over her, being annoying and not very helpful at all. “I do so many things for so many people. I bring my computer home” goes the ballad of poor, overwhelmed Stephanie Skinner. Welcome to this little thing we call working. Kelly’s Andrew looks like a vampire today. Steph V. does a little more whining about how if you don’t tell her stuff, then she doesn’t know what to do. WE KNOW. You need a 500 page manual spoon fed to you. Andrew tells us that Steph V. never really ran into any problems in life, “she just pranced around in her dresses and got asked out left and right”. Then he starts a campaign for everyone to get together and help Ex Assistant Steph.

Please try to make your “prancing around in dresses” jealousy a bit more subtle.

The intern Tim is on the phone with his Mom in Ireland, and Kelly reminds us that she really does love working with “young kids”, which sounds a little creepy, and then gets on the phone with Tim’s Mom, which is really creepy. His family misses him, and Kelly tells them what a great job he’s doing. Full of it much? Scrawling “Fincal District” on a paper bag is suddenly excelling in the workplace? Then Kelly pats herself on the back for peddling crap to Tim’s Irish Mom. “Most owners don’t even speak to interns,” she informs us loftily.

During one of the little interlude things, Kelly goes out for drinks with George Wayne, who does clever interviews for Vanity Fair. She’s just come from the Genetic Denim setup, and has brought some crystals from the crystal rain room for her friends. She hands one to GW, who promptly swallows it. “I thought it was a pill!” he screeches, “Kell!” I love how he’s handed a little round thing and just assumes it’s drugs. It’s so fashion.

Back at the office, Ativan Andrew is passed out on the floor. Kelly spews some tribal nonsense and lights some candles. “It just makes it difficult for me to breathe,” intones undead Andrew, still in yesterday’s vampire outfit. Since it’s been about twelve hours since Steph V. ruined something and blamed it on not being trained, she makes quick business of forgetting to tell the interns that they are working at the Genetic Denim show. Andrew has now changed into a see through shirt, which is only slightly less offensive than the one shoulder number.

That makeover didn’t quite take…

“It wasn’t clear,” is Steph V.’s latest excuse for not telling her charges that they were scheduled to work. “This incompetence is unacceptable,” snaps Emily. I hate to keep agreeing with the really bitchy one, but she’s right. Emily finally takes charge of telling the interns that they’re working. Ex Assistant Steph is for some reason really offended that Steph V. keeps messing up, and feels the need to inform Kelly of the situation. So she grabs Kelly and bitches to her about it for a little while. “PR girls in general spend so much time in the drama,” Kelly drawls, “Am I surprised that Vorhees was pulling on Skinner? No.” Then we hear more on the fascinating topic of how stressed out Ex Assistant Steph is.

Then it’s time for the Genetic Denim installation. We are told how difficult this job is for the models because they have to stand still the whole time. Wow, modeling is so hard. But the installation is pretty cool, especially the crystal rain room. And then, Emily’s headset blares with the oft-previewed, “Model down!” What am I gonna do, wonders Kelly? Call 911 and hide the drugs, sister.

Kelly could give a crap about the model, but she doesn’t want any of the guests to think there’s a problem. “He fell over like a redwood tree and totally fucked up the Swarvski crystal curtain,” she reports. She shoves the EMTs into a back room and berates the ambulance driver for his flashing red lights. At the end of the day though, Genetic Denim is a satisfied client.

He probably inhaled a crystal. I told you that room was dangerous!

Back at the office, it’s Steph V.’s turn to play the “I have so much to do, I’m so stressed out” card. Look, anything besides “I wasn’t trained”. Let’s just be grateful for a little variety. She tells Kelly she needs to unload. “Are you quitting?” Kelly asks jokingly / hopefully. Steph V. cops to dropping the ball. “So you want me to fire you?” Kelly asks, jokingly / hopefully. If you have a job here, you better be down to do what I’m paying you to do, Kelly reminds us. Oooh, dirty. The Bret Michaels of Bravo.

Next week is the Agent Provacateur show! One of my favorites, so they better keep disastrous Stephanie away from it. Ciao till then!