Kell on Earth: Flinstones Vitamins Runway Hour

This week’s Kell on Earth gives us more empowerment in the form of being alternatively bitchy, overworked and overwhelmed. And under-appreciated. Also, Kelly markets her book a lot and somebody actually cries outside!

I don’t care what country you’re in. This shirt is no ok.

We catch up with Kelly in London , where she’s getting dressed in what looks like an Ed Hardy shirt even though I’m sure it isn’t while her hot Italian Baby Daddy lounges around the room with the most perfectly hairy chest and a pair of white linen pants. It’s a pose indigenous to other people’s yachts or hotel rooms that other people pay for. I would just love to know what the cool European Daddy does for a living. Because cool and European usually translate to “Can you cover it? I’m just waiting for the transfer into my account.”

So…any other skills?

Oh, and when it comes to the Hot Italian, Kelly’s a smitten kitten. She oozes sap as she talks about how much she treasures any time they have together. And how they act like a married couple but they never even lived together with their baby. I think Baby Daddy, while very nice to look at, is a deadbeat who’s got her under his spell. I wonder how much time he spends with little Ava.

And then it’s off to the Jeremy Scott fashion show. More avant garde. Great. I hear talk of a Speedo with one leg hole backstage. Full length body socks and Speedos with one leg hole. Tell me again why avant garde doesn’t mean totally fucking stupid looking. It’s a Flintstones theme. Kelly yells at the lighting guy, who had some crazy idea about doing the lighting the way he wanted, but Kelly quickly beats that idea the hell out of there. Emily tells us that sometimes Kelly can be abrasive, but you have to be that way so that people won’t run you over. And then Kelly reminds us about how they’re doing everything for the show. Including the list? I don’t see anyone running around like a chicken with their head cut off, so I’m worried that no one’s covering it.

Poor woman gets punched in the womb every time someone wants to make a toll free call.

All of the sudden, Emily gets worried about what’s going on back in New York . Let me take a shot in the dark and guess that that they might be stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure enough, Emily sends an email and when Steph Skinner opens it, she immediately calls the Andrews over to look at it and thus begins the chorus of how they can’t be expected to, you know, do their jobs. They are being set up for mistakes, they decide, shaking their heads accusingly at Emily’s email. That’s right, it’s all a big fashion conspiracy.

Back in London , Robyn / Emily tells us about Jeremy Scott’s “coveted collaboration bags” that everyone is trying to steal off the front row seats. They’re basically acting as body guards for the bags, they tell us. Meanwhile, Kelly’s up in the booth with a headset doing actual work and saying all kinds of fashion show-y things like, “Go lights, go sound, go for the girl.”

You know, the Flintstones themed show is pretty cool, but I’m not sure where the “fashion” part fit in. They’d make for awesome Halloween costumes though. Or a fun night of role play. Kelly mentions the irony of how she sells the world of beauty and glamour in a black t-shirt. She tells us how much she loves the designer, and the designer says how much he loves Kelly and then we’re moving on.

They should make vitamins that look like this. Wait. THEY DO.

Back to New York , the ducklings are running around trying to get the office in order for when the partners return. Goth Andrew specifically mentions garbage bags. Maybe they killed an intern and need to remove evidence. He tells us that Skinner is in hyper panic mode. What other mode does she have? “It’s like our parents coming home from vacation and it makes me nervous,” she stammers. “They’re gonna get back and realize it wasn’t a bad dream and they really did leave the office in shambles,” deadpans Goth.

In London , it’s time to visit with the British Fashion Council to “consult” on their international image. I have no idea what this means, but I certainly commend Kelly on hoodwinking them into paying her a fee to do it. They walk through what looks like some sort of British fashion sweatshop and upon seeing the cameras, one of the British designers corrals Kelly into her area. “You need to merchandise differently,” is Kelly’s immediate assessment, “A collection is a sentence, not a life story.” Then she rearranges their entire display. Emily says it can be embarrassing when Kelly does stuff like that. Hello, she’s consulting. And Kelly points out that she gets paid money to do that stuff so she was being nice. The British Fashion Council lady looks very annoyed. They want to sell shit to us, but they don’t want our opinions. Fashion without representation. England never learns.

Kelly did make a big improvement, but the stuff this particular vendor is selling looks like it would be at home in the accessories department at Forever 21. They they go to dinner with the hot Italian Baby Daddy, who’s not about to turn down a free meal, and Kelly tells us that it was a successful trip to London . Good, now hustle back home because I need you yelling at interns or there’s nothing to write about.

I take that back. Can’t wait to see fat Euros wearing this on the beach. The tiny speedo was enough without the addition of pubes.

And the minute they’re back in the office we are rewarded. Everyone has something that Skinner needs to make a priority RIGHT NOW. Kelly asks her about something she was supposed to mail to someone and Skinner plays dumb. “I don’t remember that conversation,” she says blankly, the battle cry of the inept.

Kelly doesn’t buy it for one minute and reminds us that Skinner’s been there for two years already so she should know what she’s doing. Skinner, for her part, reminds us that she’s doing everything, including the work of Steph V., since she got fired. Homegirl say whaaaa? She quit! Get it right! And by the way, I still don’t understand how taking on the workload of someone who allegedly didn’t do any work should have increased your workload.

Kelly tells Skinner that her priority is the REAL priority. “Then I’ll do it, it’s fine,” Skinner snaps like she’s doing a her big favor. Kelly tells us a sweet little story about how she floated into town in 1987 in a Toyota Corolla, she was honest and she worked hard and I guess that’s all it took. Then she tells us how she wants to teach this to young girls, who nowadays, come into the workplace and want everyone to be all “please thank you if it’s not too much trouble you’re a shining star!” She’s right. There’s a whole new generation of workers who don’t feel appreciated. They need a hug with their paycheck.

I said Uncle Fester was OUT OF THE OFFICE can you not hear? Do you wanna leave a message or not? NO ONE APPRECIATES MEEEEE!

Skinner also took over one of Emily’s accounts while she was away, so she’s got Emily on her back about some reports. Then she’s got Robyn and her exceptional leadership skills yelling across the room, “Can I have that list that I gave to you?” Kelly tells Robyn no, which is kind of awesome. Then she tries to teach Skinner about delegating, not realizing that if Skinner delegates, her whole “I’m doing the job of 9,735 people!” thing goes right out the window. Kelly tells her that she needs to get out of the pressure rather than let it weigh her down.

Then Kelly explains to Skinner that she’s not making good use of her time, and that wastes money. She tells us she knows she’s hard on Skinner sometimes but “I’m trying to make Skinner a winner!” I love a boss who makes up motivational catchphrases! Skinner takes it well. She says it’s constructive criticism.

Planet of the Gaypes

Then Kelly goes vibrator shopping, which according to Page Six – well, according to Kelly as reported by Page Six – Kelly used her pull at Bravo to make sure that this segment made it in, as a public service to women. It’s okay to buy vibrators, is the message. Empowering women, one orgasm at a time.

And then it’s time to watch Kelly working on her book, cause it’s free marketing. Ava cooks dinner for herself so Kelly can talk while the writer writes. She tells us about the late 80s and early 90s and tries to make it sound as fabulous as the late 70s and early 80s. “We were young and rich and shallow and well connected and pretty,” she says. I want to see Kelly pretty. I spent a significant part of this afternoon searching out pictures of Kelly back in the day. I haven’t found any evidence of pretty, although I did find her CA drivers license.

Wow. A person who actually got REAL sun. Take notes, kids!

Then we hear more about what a power girl she is and how power girls are strategic and power girls are empowered and power girls don’t get squashed. All this power girl talk, I’m starting to forget the book is about crying outside.

Finally we reach Skinner’s breakdown. Of the day. Emily is bothering her for some reports about fashion week and Skinner doesn’t have them. Emily doesn’t “get” the delay. “I’m overworked and overwhelmed,” cries Skinner in explanation. Really Emiy, get with the program. Skinner is doing the job of approximately 4,453,016 people. Emily tries to tell her to do things one at a time and get them off her plate but Skinner is too impossibly overwhelmed and overworked to listen.

“Priorities are shifting,” whines Skinner. Well, that’s true but if you stop working every time you get something new then nothing gets done. She stares at her computer and tells Emily she’s not just working on reports and starts to get more and more upset. Emily finally just asks her for a status report so that she can do the reports herself. But Skinner’s too O&O for that, too. “This freaking out over every little thing has to stop!” Emily finally snaps, exasperated.

“Well, maybe I shouldn’t work here,” says Skinner. Oh, very professional. Yes, Emily was being mega-bitchy but she has a good point. Skinner has to get a grip. Goth Andrew tells us that Skinner gets the brunt of Emily being a bitch. Seems like all the younger ladies do. “Can I please go outside?” Skinner begs Emily. And she tells her no! Actually, her exact words were, “No, you can sit down.” Hey, do you think you can stop being a bitch for two seconds so Skinner can follow Kelly’s rule and cry outside? Way to go against the brand, moron.

Finally Skinner just makes the executive decision to leave. Emily’s immediately angrily texting away on her Blackberry. Skinner’s on the phone with Kelly being all empowered and telling her how “underappreciated” she is. She can’t do it all. She wonders why she’s there. She doesn’t appreciate being spoken to like that. Emily should be rubbing her feet while Robyn spoon feeds her grapes and Kelly fans her. But Kelly does tell us that Skinner has good qualities and she doesn’t want her to be a casualty.

I’ve got the under eye circles of five thousand people!

Then Kelly calls Emily, who races to the fire escape to tell Kelly, “I can’t even tell you, I can’t even take it.” Way to articulate, power girl! Then she gives a super defensive speech about how emotionless she is. Wait, is bitchy an emotion? She tells Kelly how ridiculous the whole thing is and how all the losing of emotions is driving her crazy. Well crazy’s definitely an emotion.

Kelly saves the day, as usual. She says that Emily’s good and Skinner could learn from her, but that it’s a tough business and she has to learn to roll with the punches. She doesn’t want Skinner to quit. Who can blame her? Skinner proves to be the best disciple ever as she sits sobbing outside. On a curb. She deserves a cut of the book sales.

So, it turns out Kelly told Skinner to go inside and talk to Emily about re-prioritizing. Skinner tells us she’s biting her tongue, putting it behind her and moving on. Emily’s nice about it at this point. She sits down with Skinner, makes a list and organizes it. Skinner realizes that crying and running away weren’t productive.

The new smoke break.

Ativan Andrew (who Kelly calls “Tandrew” – good one, so I’m stealing it!) tells us he hasn’t been on a date in a year and a half. According to him, his friends keep telling him how hot he is and that he should go on a date. So he does. And gay guys need empowerment too, so Kelly buys him some organic lube on the vibrator mission. Tandrew’s first order of business on his date is to play word association. Sunglasses, beach. Fork, spork. We’re stuck on this for a minute, because Tandrew doesn’t know what a spork is.

Tandrew gets frisky with “banana”, which the date associates with “sex ed class”, and then Tandrew goes in for the kill with “dildo”. So, that was subtle. And in case his date didn’t get it, his next word is “lube”. Just then, Kelly and Goth Andrew show up to crash Tandrew’s date. Kelly is inexplicably draped in what looks like a mexican blanket. She thinks date crashing is fun. I don’t think it’s cool at all. “When you date one of my employees, you date the whole group,” she announces to Tandrew’s date. In other words, fuck you Tandrew for thinking you were allowed to have a personal life. Kelly takes this live / work thing too far.

Hey! Tandrew can get not laid on his own!

Then it’s time for the Ina Bernstein event. Ina Bernstein sounds exactly like an Ina Bernstein should, sandpaper voice and thick New York accent. She has a store that Emily tells us sells “designer labels for cheaper”. What does that mean? Knockoffs? Emily has gotten a tequila company to sponsor the thing. She stands around at the event swilling her tequila until Ina comes over to tell her that they’re out of tequila. And to stare at Emily’s full glass. Emily wanders away to find more tequila.

She and Skinner both tell us what a crisis it is. That they’re in emergency mode, they don’t have anything to serve. “How are we gonna get out of this?” moans Skinner. I don’t know, how about sending someone over to the nearest liquor store for backup tequila? It’s only New York City. They end up calling the tequila company and they agree to bring over some more. Then they stand around waiting for the delivery. Finally Emily gets a clue and goes back inside to distract the guest from the fact that they’re out of booze.

And finally, it’s time for Kelly’s photo shoot for her book. “When I finished the book,” she begins – I’m sorry, when who finished the book? Kelly just said the same shit she says every day while some other lady wrote the book for her. It at least deserves a “when ‘we’ finished the book”. She got a super famous photographer to take her picture because she says she doesn’t take good pictures. Then she gets Ava in a few pictures in the end. It’s pretty cute. “The book is for Ava. Everything is for Ava,” she says. Oh, I haven’t said it yet today, so for the record, I love Kelly. And Ava’s totally a mini-Kelly.

Let me guess. You’re Ina Bernstein.

Next week Tandrew has issues. I like Tandrew so I don’t want him to suffer but I’m sure it will be entertaining. I hope someone comes through with a sedative for him.

And speaking of pill popping, check out the CW’s latest masterpiece, tonight – High Society, which follows the life of once fabulous, now desperate socialite Tinsley Mortimer. Click here for the backstory and come back for the recap…