Kell on Earth: Tanning Season Ends

This week on Kell on Earth, Robyn from the closet dates a hobbit, Kelly tries on hats and we lose Tandrew. Someone, get the Ativan.

We start with a crisis! The problem of the day is that People’s Revolution…is out of paper. Naturally, the issue is brought directly to Kelly, the owner of the company. There’s an inquisition, when we learn that they’ve been out of paper all day, even though no one said anything about it until 5 pm. Michelle, the “Lifestyle Director”, whatever that means, is initially blamed for discovering the paper outage, but ultimately Kelly wants someone’s head. “Who’s in charge of paper?” she asks, and not in a joking way. Their work is so cute.

Turns out Goth Andrew is in charge of paper, but he didn’t realize they were out of paper until this morning. Goth seems to think this is a perfectly reasonable explanation. At this point, we learn that Goth is loaded. He comes from 5th Ave. by way of Scarsdale. He tells us he’s fortunate, but that he’s always worked..mostly because he was bored. Kelly’s amazed that he’s fetching her coffee, and delighted that he’s doing so in $3,000 shirts.

Come on now. Would you trust this guy with the paper?

Unfortunately, Tandrew doesn’t have the pet status with Robyn that Goth has with Kelly, and it’s not two seconds after the paper crisis, where Goth acts like a bumbling rich kid and Kelly just appreciates that he’s not a blonde girl who’s “so excited to learn!” that we’re treated to Robyn’s shrill battle cry. Something about an email. “Read the email!” she snaps and sighs. Poor Tandrew just sits there looking like he’s about to cry.

He tells us that she just hates him and has no patience for him. She’s all happy with everyone else, but the minute he asks her a question it’s all, “Look at the email! It’s in the email!” he mimics. Cut to Robyn whining just that at him. Even Goth admits that she’s rough on Tandrew. But, Tandrew says he’s learning a lot and it’s a great company. Awww, stay positive. Stronger than yesterday. Nothing but Tandrew’s way.

In her defense, I kinda want to hit him, too.

The next day, it’s the paper crisis part two. All of the sudden, there’s delivery men moving boxes and boxes of paper into the office. “Twenty boxes,” murmurs the crowd. Goth explains. Seems that there was all this work involved in ordering paper – writing a check, faxing and order, real taxing stuff. Goth really didn’t like it, so he just decided to order a whole bunch of paper so he wouldn’t have to do it again for a while. As a gazillionaire, this seems perfectly normal to him. “He cost me $560,” grumbles Kelly. “He bought twenty boxes or paper and only two boxes or toilet paper?” muses Skinner. Do you think he cares what you wipe your ass with? He’s just killing time there cause he’s bored.

That night, Goth has a few friends over to his apartment. His apartment is HUGE. And it has a Versace chair. Goth is wearing Rick Owens wedges. He is obsessed with Rick Owens, who he calls a visionary. “I’ve been given way too much in life, but I’m not unappreciative,” he tells us. He doesn’t seem so. I like both Andrews.

Wealthy camel family. How much water you holdin’ there, champ?

Back in the office, Kelly is having a meeting and yelling about work not getting done. Robyn points out that they fired their whole staff. Ummmm….not Steph V. She quit. They seem to find that funny. Kelly does not. She flat out tells them she’s put about $50,000 of her own money into her business to keep it afloat.

Then we hear more of the ballad of the overworked, courtesy of Skinner. She does the job of 8,471 people, you know. It’s not long before Goth realizes that he’s going to have to take on more work than just being Kelly’s assistant. He doesn’t seem too happy about it. Then he has a laugh with Skinner over the porn voice he uses to answer the phone.

Goth tells us that he has a blast at People’s Revolution, but he’s more of a creative type. Kelly says she’d love for him to stay in PR. So, she puts Goth in charge of organizing a new shoot. “I don’t mind helping out…” he hems, “Ultimately, would I want to be a publicist at People’s Revolution? I don’t know.”

Well why on Earth not?

Then it’s time for the requisite I’m Just A Normal Mom segment of the show. Kelly’s Swiffer Wet Jetting the kitchen, when Grandma calls and tells Kelly and Ava that she’s on her way to Walmart. Kelly and Ava have a big problem with Walmart. “The enemy of Target,” Ava says seriously.

Back in the office, Robyn’s bitching about RSVPs to Tandrew. “I don’t want that,” she whines. He thinks she’s miserable and needs to get laid. On that note, Kelly takes Robyn, Emily and some other girl for a walk around the neighborhood. They sit on a stoop and Kelly tells us how she takes care of the whole neighborhood.

And then, “Robyn, in a moment of aggressive, enlightened behavior scores herself a skateboarder!” Kelly tells us. Because she’s a publicist, she put a nice spin on it. In reality, Robyn, in a moment of panicked desperation, scores herself homeless foreigner who landed on our shores four days ago and is wandering the streets of Tribeca selling books.

“How to Make 20 Different Dinners With One Can of Beans” – by This Guy

“He was really cute!” cackles Robyn. Kelly tells us he was perfect for a “power girl to roll with” because he’s just there for a good time. “He’s completely adorable! I definitely want to hang out,” Robyn pants.

WOAH. So that’s why you don’t smile.

In the office, Goth is helping Skinner prepare for the big shoot the next day. “Andrew’s young, so he’s still getting into the working game,” says the wizened old veteran, Steph Skinner. Listen, it takes six, seven, I don’t know sometimes even eight months to get to Skinner’s level of overworked and overwhelmed. You can’t expect to be having work related nervous breakdowns when you’re just getting into the game, you know.

They’re making a look book, which shows all the looks for the season. Kelly tells us that Goth needs to start pitching in, and since he’s not the type to offer, she’s making him do it. Goth tells us that Skinner keeps the office running, but he keeps morale up. Only a rich kid would think that’s an actual job.

Goth helps with everything in the end. He also is wearing ripped stockings and ankle booties to the shoot. Kelly prances around yelling “chignon” a lot. She tells Goth that if he stays with her, in eight months, she’ll get him a job with his idol, Rick Owens.

I just had to put this picture in. Carry on.

And then warm and fuzzy time is over. Back to the office with Robyn and Tandrew. Tandrew tells us that he’s underpaid and then proceeds to whine to Skinner who barely looks up from her computer to tell him that he needs to just let it roll off his back. Tandrew says that he wants to stay, but he doesn’t know how long he can take being abused by Robyn.

Kelly, the fun boss, is taking Goth to meet with a milliner in order to entice him to stay with her and to entice the client to sign with her. Um, they try on hats and Kelly says how cute Goth is. Goth tries to get the designer to gift him a black crown, but it doesn’t work. That’s pretty much it.

Then Kelly goes over the look book that they just shot. She says that a great client is one who says ‘thank you’. “Who says that in fashion? Thank you?” Oh, please. Who says thank you anywhere? Ever?

And then it’s really time for Tandrew’s breakdown. He’s been planning a trip back to LA, now that fashion week is over. Apparently, at one point Robyn had approved it, but now since Steph V. quit and they fired everyone else, they don’t want him to go. To Kelly, Tandrew says he has a wedding, so he has to go, but to us he said he just scheduled the time because it was after fashion week. Kelly looks like she doesn’t want to be bothered.

There’s actual sun there. You’re gonna melt.

Oh, and then Robyn’s homeless hobbit on the skateboard comes to call. “You don’t have to speak. Please don’t, actually,” she says, all fake sugar mama-esque. “I always have a few boys on the side,” she brags, then cackles again. Really? I want proof. Tandrew calls her out immediately, saying that she’s trying to keep her cool in front of “this straggler”.

That night, Goth bids Tandrew a safe trip. They have a talk about how much they hate work, but Goth is getting the idea that Tandrew might be serious. Then Ava comes to the office to walk around in high heels and so the minions can suck up. One of the girls gives her boots and then instructs her to “go show your Mom.” “Do your runway walk, Ava!” yells another.

And the next night, Goth is planning an Addams Family party at his apartment. Well, he’s calling his mother and having her plan an Addams Family party at his apartment. Then he leaves Skinner in the office to skip home and decide what to wear. Even though she’s invited, she’s annoyed that he’s leaving early. Eh, what are you gonna do. He’s just getting into the working game.

That night, Kelly, Robyn and Emily go out for dinner. “There’s a hot waiter boy, ripe for the taking,” Kelly says. “We work in fashion, we look at beautiful people all day long. This kid’s gotta be a model, he’s so beautiful.” Ugh, please. He’s a slightly cleaner version of the skateboard hobbit. Not to get all psychological about it, but why do they have to date beneath them?

Ahoy, gaytey.

They decide that they should score him for Robyn. Who tells us that since the skateboard hobbit went back to Seattle, she has no one. What happened to ‘I always have a few boys’?

Over at Goth’s, Skinner is late for the party because she’s doing the reports that Goth left her with in order to pick out clothes for his party. Goth is legitimately annoyed. Skinner tries to explain that you can’t leave work when work isn’t done, but Goth’s got the idea that when Kelly leaves, everyone can. “That’s because you have a totally different relationship with Kelly then you do,” random Michelle explains to him. But in the end, the dinner is a success.

The next day, everyone notices that Tandrew’s emails are being forwarded to them. Nooooooooo!!! But, it’s true. Tandrew isn’t coming back. Skinner had a feeling. And then Tandrew called her on Sunday. He doesn’t feel bad, but he doesn’t really say why. “It was annoying and unprofessional,” says Robyn. I really can’t disagree with that, but I since I like Tandrew so much more than her, I’m okay with it.

We get a nice montage of Tandrew’s greatest moments…spraying his hair, shaking the toner cartridge (which, incidentally, is exactly how you get more ink out of a printer, for everyone who was laughing at him), lying in the tanning bed and of course, being a good colleage and offering Skinner an Ativan.

Skinner says that she doesn’t have “time to mourn”, but she is wondering who’s going to do her hair. Goth’s getting more work and his only comment is, “I don’t know. I don’t know about this.” Sounds ominous.

Next week…Kelly hits LA!

Just hit him.