We have come to the season finale of Kell on Earth. What’s on tap for today? Well, Kelly shoots an internet movie on the NYC streets and her staff plans a surprise party for her. I fell asleep each of the three times I tried watching this. How can someone with such an interesting life make such a dud of a reality show?
Don’t ask me. I’m just a single mother paying the bills.
So, let the action begin. Kelly enters her office in a classic Kelly wrap – this one looks like a bedspread from the seventies. The office is abuzz with the news that someone named Deborah has gone out of business. It’s not made too clear what’s happened, but Deb’s a client, and now Deb’s a client that needs to be written off. Kelly doesn’t want to handle the little independent types anymore because they never have any money.
Skinner and Goth Andrew stand around in the kitchen and cook up a plan for a surprise party for Kelly. So, they plan and tell us how hard it is to surprise Kelly. Riveting.
Then Kelly gets a phone call from DKNY who wants to know what she can do for them. They have a new sweater called the Cozy. Or the Cozee? I don’t know, whatever it is it’s just a stone’s throw from the Snuggy. They want to do some kind of short internet film featuring eight models that Kelly instinctively dubs the Power Girl Army. Who isn’t a power girl nowadays?
Then it’s back to the party planning while Kelly’s visiting DKNY. It’s confirmed for The Carlyle, Kelly’s favorite place. Goth plans appetizers and heads out for tasting. Of course Skinner doesn’t want to leave and Goth talks her into it. And then the minute they get out of the office Kelly calls but it’s no biggie.
Back at the office, Kelly returns from the DKNY meeting and Robyn pipes in from her hobbit closet with some bitchy comment asking if they’re ever going to be working with DKNY or is Kelly just going to meet with them once a week. Sounded kind of snide and uncalled for to me. And what business have you brought in lately?
Remember whose closet you camp out in. Watch it.
But Kelly’s cool about it, tells her that the deal’s done. Ultimate power girl Robyn says that even though it’s a good project, it’s a tight schedule making it “nearly impossible” to execute. Love the can-do attitude. Wanna be power girl Skinner tells us that in doing all this online media, Kelly is “reinventing the wheel”. She’s a pioneer, Skinner repeats dreamily about three times.
Choking on empowerment.
Then it’s back to the party planning. Goth has planned a cake testing at a restaurant, and told the owners that he’s bringing his fiance. En-route to the restaurant, they discuss Goth changing his pants to something less totally gay, but ultimately decide that giving Skinner an engagement ring is all they really need for authenticity. So Goth proposes to her on a street corner.
I didn’t get you a ring, so I just borrowed this one from my penis.
Goth says that the reason for the wedding charade is that you’re not really allowed to do birthday cake testing. Goth says that Skinner is the best faux wife. Skinner says that she’ll eat ice cream cake at her wedding. Then they eat cake. Then they choose a cake. Then they have to figure out what to write on the cake that will express Happy Birthday, but can pass for Happy Wedding. Can you believe all this fast paced drama?
And then to the office. Goth reminds Kelly that she has a lunch with someone who wants free advice, and she tells him he has to cancel. No more free advice, she vows! And back to the DKNY project. They have over 56,000 Facebook fans, so their film is automatically broadcast to 56,000 people. Kelly’s starting to stress out a little. She even snaps at Goth.
She does business, talks to this one and that one, there’s casting approval and stuff like that. Then she hires a security firm of what she calls off duty Irish cops to negotiate with the actual cops because they’re shooting without permits. I mean, it’s interesting business, but boring as hell to watch.
Then there’s a plug for something called Fashion GPS. I have no idea what it is, and actually care so little that I’m not even going to search it. It has something to do with computers, DKNY has it and they made Kelly feel like a loser because her office didn’t. And now they do.
In the middle of the Fashion GPS installation, Kelly decides to burn some healing stones or something that comes from the same region as her smock. There’s a bunch of talk about energy and healing space but the staff tells her to put it out because it’s giving everyone a headache. “They just think I’m kooky,” chortles Kelly. All it did was distract everyone for a few minutes, reports Skinner.
Healing stone high.
And then it’s last minute crunch time for the big DKNY shoot. Kelly says that as the leader, she sets the tone and that’s why she tries to stay in a good mood.
Setting the upbeat tone.
The next morning, it’s time for the shoot! Kelly’s in her element, yelling at models and telling us about her power girl army. “We had a limited budget, so we decided to go out and shoot wild style,” she tells us. Which means no permits, and the cops can shut you down. You need to go fast and know what you’re doing, Kelly advises.
The first setup is the models walking across the street. They time everything to go with the light, and them some asshole walks in the middle of the shot. And then a fire truck drives by. And then people are stopping to look. In other words, it’s New York City. “It really is the wild west,” Kelly corrects me. Oh. Well, obviously I’m not getting that metaphor.
At the next location, Ava turns up with one of her little friends. Kelly says that she likes Ava to see her at work because the fashion industry is collaborative and it’s important to expose her to that kind of tribal lifestyle. So for a anthropological update, we’ve left the wild west and are have now gone tribal. But at the same time, it’s work so Ava gets dumped kind of fast. Well, fashion’s a tough industry – got to learn that too.
Back at the office, it’s the same shit. In other words, Robyn and Emily are on the phone being rude to people. Skinner comes over with the guest list for Kelly’s party, and now we have drama. Because no one’s RSVP’d. So Goth walks around the office in his skirt and starts asking. “I wanted to make sure we had the right number of people and everyone was coming,” he tells us. It’s the boss’s birthday. Who’s not coming? Is there a story here?
It turns out there’s a fifteen person maximum in the hotel room and Goth wants to be respectful of that. Someone named Neil gets invited courtesy of random Michelle. Masha gets a vote for being “really friends with Kelly”. Also, it gives them a good excuse to not invite the interns.
Goth tells us that they deal with events and invites on a daily basis so you would think that this wouldn’t be such a big deal. Well, if you’ve never seen these fools in action. But we’ve been watching for weeks now so I for one am not at all surprised that the RSVP process for a fifteen person party seems to be taking all afternoon.
Back at the shoot, they’re at Wall St. trying to shoot in front of a building covered in a humongous American flag. They’re trying to shoot without a permit, but there’s cops everywhere due to 9/11. Kelly dispatches her Irish cop to talk to the other Irish cops and they agree to let her shoot.
But shouldn’t the power girl army have a more fashionable flag?
With the flag shot done, Kelly decides to push it and take on one final location. They go for it. Cause they’re wild style. They shove everyone in a van and off they go.
On to the next crisis – the cake is delivered but they have nowhere to put it. “The refrigerator wasn’t having it,” Goth tells us dejectedly. But he makes it happen. With some blue tape. And a chair shoved in front of it. Weighted down with a backpack.
Macgyver wuz here.
At the last setup of Kelly’s big DKNY shoot, every second counts. They have to get the models back to Midtown by a certain time and then cannot afford overtime on their shoestring budget.
We don’t get our evening coke if we miss curfew.
Kelly wants to make sure DKNY is getting their money’s worth. The director is setting up multiple shots with Kelly buzzing in his ear about the time. But in the end, it all comes together perfectly. DKNY was very happy, Kelly reports. She also thanks the models on their way out, which seems like a very Kelly thing to do.
The next day, she’s taking Ava out for a walk in the city. Ava’s girly and Kelly’s not, she tells us. So they go for mother / daughter haircuts. We learn that Kelly takes care of business in the family, Kelly gives the best hugs in the family but Nana’s the best cook. Kelly used to cut Ava’s bangs herself, sometimes she’d be rocking a Bette Paige looks, sometimes Velvet Underground and then Kelly decided it would be best to leave it to the professionals.
Cute. But hardly can’t-miss television.
Back in the office, Kelly calls the crew over to view the DKNY film. It’s pretty cool. We get another lecture about the new wave of internet marketing. The thrills don’t stop.
And then it’s finally time for the surprise party! Goth walks the street carrying the cake. He wasn’t thinking about how fragile it was, he was just thinking about getting there, he says. I have a moment of excitement when I think that this could be the foreshadowing of a smashed cake that gets run over by a bus. Then I realize that would involve something actually happening, so I accept that it’s not likely.
Meanwhile, Robyn is getting Kelly to the surprise party, which they have sold as a cocktail party. She’s having a problem because they have gift bags from somewhere, and Kelly wants to drop off the gift bags before going to the alleged cocktail party. Then out of nowhere she wonders what would happen if they got hit by a UPS truck.
In the Carlyle suite, it looks like an amazing setup.
See, it pays to hire assistants whose allowance is higher than your 2009 net income.
Skinner and Emily show up, and love the room. “Kelly’s gonna love it,” declares Emily. Score! In the cab, Kelly is already making plans to escape the suite. She’s asking too many questions, and then not wanting to go anymore. If I was Robyn, I’d just tell her it was some big avant garde party and call it a day, but Robyn being Robyn just mumbles.
Finally, they get everyone in position, Kelly comes upstairs and the surprise goes off perfectly. “I’m not into that group sport birthday thing,” she admits. Skinner tells us she always catches you. Kelly thought it was so nice. No one’s ever surprised her before.
It’s okay, you can come out now.
They buy her a pair of goat hair shoes for her birthday. She sobs and tells us that being a single Mom, there’s no one who thinks of her like that. She cries a little in the interview and then says that she has to go outside because that’s her rule.
Then they bring out the cake with all 44 candles. And then it’s time for the standard happily ever after montage and interviews. Skinner and Goth have a lot to learn from Kelly. Kelly tells us that mediocrity is not an option for her company.
Then explain this.
And so ends our journey with Kelly Cutrone and People’s Revolution. I still love Kelly and if you have to cry, go outside. Ciao, fashion dolls.