***You might have noticed that TVgasm took a little nappy the past couple of days. Shows went on break for the 4th, a bunch of shows ended for the Summer, and we are now waiting for the new shows to start! Soooo, we’re going to be bringing you some random recaps throughout the Summer that we don’t cover full time, just so we can fully explore the TV scape and keep you reading even when Top Chef and Daisy of Love need a vaca! First up, please welcome Cherie with Kendra! Have a random show you wanna see recapped here? Leave a title in the comments or send it to me at Flipi75@gmail.com.
Hello there Gasmi! Today I bring you one of the best shows to ever be on tv. Ever. Ok that’s a lie. It’s really just a crap recap of a crappier show to keep you occupied until Big Brother starts. I bring you Kendra!
You know I have always wondered what it was like to be a Playmate. Then I started watching The Girls Next Door and saw Hugh Hefner and decided I’d rather be a fat girl with a husband born in the same decade as me. Anyhoo, either the girls of Next Door got sick of boinking a fossil or their contacts were up and out of Bridget, Holly and Kendra, guess who gets her own show?
With that much infection, something was bound to fall off on it’s own.
We start off with Kendra waking up in her brand new house. She tells us she used to live with Hef and his 2 other girlfriends but now she is on her own. Her house is unfurnished and a mess. Much like the space between her ears. What’s the first thing any respectable bunny wants in her house? That would be a stripper pole. Good thing Holly was along for the ride to point that out to her.
I bet they still smell like old man.
Kendra tells us that she met Hank Basket, her fiance, at a I don’t know I wasn’t listening, and she gave him her number. WHAT? But she was “dating” Hef at the time. Skank. Anyway she tells us he’s different than any other guy she’s dated. I guess that means he was born AFTER the Great Depression.
That dudes head is entirely too big.
Kendra it seems doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. Hank is arriving today and moving in with her and she doesn’t even know how to grocery shop! And she lets out that constipated hyena laugh that makes small children weep.
Her friend Brittany shows up. Brittany it seems is a country girl and she admires Kendra. Uhh what country is this girl from? Duhland?
She notices that Kendra’s kitchen is quite empty of food and it’s off to the grocery store they go. It would be stupid to make a list so Kendra decides they will just wander around and grab shit as needed. She also decides to ride in that cart thingy with wheels.
That’s how my Meemaw got her first DUI.
Around the store they go. Kendra knocks a bunch of apples over. Shocker. Then she and Brittany have a long intellectual discussion about whether Rice A Roni is Hispanic or Asian. Brittany says “Mexican!” Oh these two are just made for each other.
Yep. Nothing screams class like a whale tail.
Back home they go. While putting away groceries they discuss the economy. Ok not really. I lied. Again. I may have to lie a lot because so far this show sucks ass. Kendra goes to put the eggs up and you’ll never guess what happens.
Now who could have seen that coming?
Kendra’s stripper pole arrives. She doesn’t have a bed, or couches or sense but she just had to have that pole. Her plan she says is to become a master on the pole.
Insert your own joke here.
Kendra has come up with a pole routine called the Clam Open. She’s very proud of it too. She tells us it’s where two girls are on the pole and they are basically scissoring. Now there’s a sentence you don’t type everyday. Oh look. Mommy’s coming for a visit. Kendra tells us that her Mom was terrified when she decided to leave the mansion. I don’t blame her.
Who the hell’s gonna pay for my next face lift?
Kendra makes out with her dog and then Mom arrives with little brother and his girlfriend. Walking around the house all Kendra’s Mom can do is ask “Where’s all the furniture?” GET OUT OF MY HOUSE MOM! Sorry, flashback. Anyway, Mom realizes Kendra has no furniture and yet she managed to have a pole installed. And she is SHOCKED! Really? Methinks she is full of shit. And speaking of shit, one of her dogs shits at the front door.
Just like at the mansion, only Hef’s ass is larger.
Mom has a brilliant idea. She tells Kendra to have a house warming party so people can give her free stuff. Kendra’s usual response, “Hell yeah!” She has booze and a pole. Party on!
Her friend and room mate Amber is there as they get ready for the party. Kendra invited Amber to live with her. Huh? Oh wait, Kendra is a switch hitter right? She wants to eat her cake and a cupcake too. Or something like that. The party is on and people begin to arrive. Bridget shows up. As do a bunch of people I don’t know. Her “Whack Pack” as she calls them. Mary, Hef’s real life true love, shows up and Kendra immediately tries to get her on the pole.
That’s just wrong.
After a whole lot of booze Kendra and Brittany do their famous Clam Open dance for the crowd. Kendra’s Mom makes this face.
Damn, Martha Stewart is looking rough.
Kendra does a keg stand. Someone from the crowd makes a rule that no one is allowed to puke on the cake. People are so damn picky these days. Some girl, it might have been Brittany, gets shoved into the pool so she takes her pants off and plasters her ass against the wall.
It’s not a party until someone pulls their pants down.
Guess who shows up? Yep it’s Hef and his new girlfriend Crystal. Kendra looks like she might cry and she tells us she never expected him to show up.
What are you doing up past 8pm?
Kendra shows Hef and his girlfriend around the place. Then it’s time to open gifts. Kendra gets toilet paper, a grill. No not that kind of grill. This kind.
She has the same kind of cheap crappy friends that I do.
Bridget gives her cupcake holders and a blanket with The Girls Next Door on it. What the hell is wrong with Bridget’s face?
Botox and cheek filler are not for everyone.
Kendra tells us the party was better than she could ever have imagined. The next day she is off to the airport to get Hank. They have never lived in the same city before much less the same house. Kendra’s worried that he won’t like her messy ass ways. She should be. Hobo’s have neater boxes than this bitch.
Is that The Rock?
They get back to the house and the first thing Hank notices is the pole. He tells us that Kendra tried to explain to him that all woman are dancing on poles now. He thinks not and says that’s going to take some getting used to. Poor clueless bastard.
Home Sweet What The Hell Is That Smell?
They go upstairs and Kendra is in panic mode because of the mess. Hank says it might be a mess but it’s their mess. Awww. Shut up. He says that he and Kendra might not be perfect but they are perfect for each other. He says he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her. Seriously, poor, poor clueless bastard.
They should tattoo each other’s names on their asses.
And they crawl into their unmade bed and profess their love for each other. And this ends the first episode of Kendra. How did this shit stay on the air? Does anyone really watch this show? I guess I’ll find out.
Love & Smooches,