Hi, Folks! New recapper here – I’m Alejandra and I’ll be guiding you through the remainder of “Love Games,” our favorite hour spotlighting what mediocre man will get picked by which crazy bitch. I was a little nervous starting this journey, having watched very little of “The Bad Girls Club,” and I’d straight up never heard of this show. I asked myself “What can I expect?” and “How will I make the best fun of people I know nothing about? Except that they get drunk and hit each other?” and “How WILL ‘Lost’ end?” But then I remembered the hours I wasted watching “Flavor of Love,” “Flavor of Love: 2,” “Rock of Love,” and “My Fair Brady,” and my confidence surged. Until one of these dudes poops in a corner and then burns the house down, there won’t be anything over here I haven’t seen.
You don’t scare me.
Previously on, then credits then “Boooys!” shouts Kendra as she, Amber and Sarah saunter down the stairs. They’re excited to have only seven guys left because that is a way more workable orgy number than eight or nine. Also, so they can get to know them better. Weirdly, I notice what I think to be a cracked out picture of Whitney Huston and Bobby Brown in the house as the girls go downstairs. I never thought I would need to say this when recapping this show, but that’s wholly inappropriate.
That’s her, right?
Kendra interviews that now that there are less dudes, they can all spend more time together, and she can go deep. I’m going to cautiously assume that means on a personal level, and not think about the kinks any Bad Girls has stored in her closet along with skeletons. She likes Matt, Justin, Dan and kinda Devon, but she doesn’t think he’s decided between her and Amber, so she’s all “Whatever,” about wishy-washy Devan. Whereas Devan’s all “Whatever,” about anything that doesn’t have to do with him staying in a mansion longer and drinking lots of free booze.
Sarah announces that they all came down to get juice, but that “Cookie” (Amber), was trying to booty pop, but doesn’t think she can do it without getting drunk to loosen up. Betting that’s a lot of things for Amber. Sarah will take no excuses and tells her to just show the guys now, Amber protests, “In jeans?” aghast at the possibility of a booty pop in dungarees. I’m not super familiar with a booty pop, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m pretty sure the move she’s trying to attempt is not akin to a steeple chase or anything so I have faith in her abilities to work with what she’s given.
And whaddya know?
Amber’s success results in a surprising amount of cheering from Sarah who obviously doesn’t get out much, or does, but just doesn’t remember a lot of it, and Amber jumps up and down like a five-year-old. Because she can shake her ass up and down. Literally. That is the cause of this excitement.
How much do you have to drink on a daily basis to get this happy over completing a successful booty pop?
Devan is hypnotized by Amber’s ass and interviews that he’s ready to choose a lady and settle down, but it’s “so hard” picking between each one. I got you Devan. All train wrecks have their differences and it does make it hard to choose.
The Most Unattractive Host on Television pops by to tell the boys they’re taking a little trip to the beach for a challenge of strength. I hope this means Muscle Beach. It doesn’t. They arrive at Long Beach and Sarah announces that the Bad Girls like lean, mean fightin’ men, and she doesn’t try to gloss over the fact that it’s solely because the girls lip off, they need a boy who can clean up the mess and carry them home. Kendra says they’ll be competing in three physical challenges (God, I miss “Double Dare”), and Ernie says they will be required to run, swim and lift. Cosmo douchvomits in his interview that the beach is his “thing” and whenever someone mentions the words physical, challenge and “competitiveness,” “Cosmos” is on top. I’m pretty sure when he said “Cosmos” he wasn’t making a play on words. I think he just put an “s” at the end of the nickname because he thinks it sounds cool, but doesn’t know why…
Ernie eyebrows that the challenges, they shall be thrice. Each one will be timed, and when all three are completed, whoever has the lowest total time wins a shopping spree!!! The boys cheer like idiots who don’t know that winning a shopping spree that you take someone ELSE on is the same as losing. Some of the guys do say that it’ll be some valuable three-on-one time with the girls, but I have a feeling there’s gonna be a lot of dress caddying and a not a whole lot of “bonding.”
Challenge Number One! The guys must swim into open water to rescue blow up sex dolls – whoever gets back first, wins! I would like to meet the lucky folk who had this on their job description that day, “Drive to Hustler and purchase 7 life size blow up dolls. Arrive on set, inflate dolls, attach to buoys and place in ocean.”
The girls then announce that the boys must strip in front of them (and the entire beach) and put on red lifeguard shorts. The girls giggle and cheer as the boys rip their clothes off pretty quickly for something that not only doesn’t involve nookie, most definitely involves shrinkage.
Damn, Devan. If there is one reality show I wouldn’t trust naked film of myself with, it’s this one.
And they’re off! Sarah hopes that either Nick or Tim will step up and pull ahead of the rest. Not that it matters in the slightest, because if she already likes them this much, how they handle a blow-up doll isn’t likely to change her opinion. Devan wins and Dan struggles, working a change purse as he slogs out of the water in last place. He interviews that he’s pretty embarrassed, and I wonder what his reaction will be when he reenters the real world with this experience on his resumÃ©. Kendra jokes that she’s not surprised at Dan’s performance, so I guess Dan’s not too athletic.
Challenge Number Two! The boys must carry the girls 40 feet, and Amber lets them know that if their precious, popping booties are dropped, the girls will be pissed, AND the boys will have to return to the start line and carry the girls all over again. Because if a dude tries to carry you, then fails by dropping you, it’s a good plan to let them try, try again.
But that’s exactly what Amber does!
It is so awesome. He barely makes it ten feet before not only does he drop her, Dan actually faceplants on top of her. And that’s only the first time! Tim totally drops Sarah, and she’s totally disappointed that he’s probably not going to win the opportunity to take her (and two other girls who might be interested in him) shopping. Poor Sarah. Then Cosmo and his competitiveness drop Kendra, as Devan sails to victory with Amber in his arms. Nick is pretty pissed that he’s not doing very well because he’s an “athlete!”
An athlete with some serious bubble butt.
Challenge Number Three! The boys get to run sprints – 20 feet to Kendra and back, 40 feet to Amber and back, and finally 60 feet to Sarah and back for the win. God, this is the worst reality show to be on ever. The guys don’t get to go anywhere cool, they have to carry heavy bitches, run sprints all of the grand prize of taking said bitches shopping. This frigging blows.
Cosmo disagrees, but we’re still cool.
The boys run, the girls cheer, Devan drops the ball (literally – the boys have to carry beach balls from each girl back to the start line, and he handles that thing about as well as a greased water balloon) and then it’s over. And despite his misstep, Devan is declared the winner, having trounced his other competitors so soundly in the previous two challenges. Congratulations, Devan. You get to go shopping. With women. For women. No, seriously, you won.
It’s Devan’s third trophy, and while Nick begrudgingly admits being impressed with him, Nick thinks Devan needs to spend more time with the girls and less time thinking about the challenges. If I were Nick, I’d be happy that Devan was busy measuring his own penis allowing me to slip in for the kill.
With the challenges over, it’s cloudy day beach party and merriment ensues. I start to see why there are so many planned activities on this show because essentially the following scene is the boys fooling around and attempting to talk to the girls. I say attempting because basically all they do is approach the girls individually to drag them away from the community towels with all the romantic promise of, “Hey, can I grab you for a few minutes?”
Nick’s so bored he put on a cape and exited stage left into fantasy land.
That’s really all Sarah needs to get down, though, because she snuggles up to Tim, for like, 20 minutes and gushes about how awesome it is to have two guys fighting over her. The rivalry heats up back at the house with Nick whining that he doesn’t like Tim and that he’ll flip out if Sarah chooses the stronger, faster, larger man for her date that night. Also, Dan digs himself in deeper by actually getting legitimately too sick to go out.
Then… there’s an ominous knock at the door. And from what little I’ve seen of this show, if I were in that house, I’d approach that door with something heavy and an attack stance. They have had some crazy ladies in residence that are probably a little bitter they didn’t get asked to drag around a few boys by the nose.
Cosmo answers and it’s… the other Amber!!! I hope I gave that introduction whatever gravitas it may have deserved. I didn’t recognize Amber from Season Four at first… She gives Cosmo a quick once-over, mentally rolls her eyes and starts exploring the house. She doesn’t get very far, though, before Kendra goes fucking apeshit, barreling down the stairs and jumping on Amber4.
I gather they’re friends.
There’s a montage of drunken I love yous and other hijinks, and by the end of it we’re to understand that Amber and Kendra share a bond that only more alcohol and some dude they both want could break.
The boys quickly determine that Amber4 is someone they need to make just the right amount of nice with if they want to get with Kendra, a point only intensified by the fact that immediately after her arrival, she and Kendra retreat to a secret bad girl powwow to dish dish dish.
Kendra gives Amber4 the lowdown on the guys and her desire to settle down, after which Amber4 promptly goes on a mission to get the skinny on whatever mass of steroids is trying to date her friend. The girls giggle at her and squeal, “Be nice!” Pffft – BORING.
I guess Amber4 was nice and that scene was boring because the show skips right on over it to date selection! The gentlemen line up for inspection and we’re informed that one will stay home so there’ll be two guys for each girl. Kendra interviews that Dan looks like death, so he’s staying home. Seriously, the dude can barely stand.
Dan’s a gatherer…
She picks Justin because she wants to get to know him better and Matt because he’s fun, but she’d also like to hang out with him in a more intimate setting. Like the Saddle Ranch, which is where they’re going. Sarah picks Dan and Nick, both of whom are ecstatic to spend more time together. She says she wants to see how they react around each other in the hopes that it’ll help her make a choice between the two. These girls need a mud wrestling pit in their backyard. Save a lot of trouble and a lot of money. That leaves Devan and Joe for Amber – Devan because she wants to see if he likes her or Kendra, and Joe because he has a big cBLEEPock. Girl doesn’t mince words.
The limo drops the crew at Saddle Ranch and Nick immediately asks if anyone wants a shot. I’ll take Questions That End in Yes for $200, Alex. Joe interviews (in a shirt that says “Playa!”) that he knows he’s made the strongest connection with Amber, but he’s worried that Devan and his massive pecks and winner’s attitude could steal her away. It’s a shallow, valid fear. Justin doesn’t seem to be doing too well with Kendra, who thinks he’s kind of slimy after a few minutes of smooth talking, but I imagine all of that leaves her mind when Matt approaches her with five roses, a word for each one. It would have been romantic if Matt had any articulation skills whatsoever, but the fact that he doesn’t and the fact that the restaurant’s loud and he had to shout “Trust, Honesty, Responsibility, Love and Caring” right in her face.
YOU WILL BE ROMANCED!
Some part of that worked enough for Kendra to use it as an example of Matt’s serious side, something she’d like to see more of. Then don’t go to the Saddle Ranch anymore! No one is serious in the presence of a mechanical bull!
Sarah’s having a grand old time on the patio with her bitches behaving just as they were supposed to – Tim bashing Nick for having no money, and Nick accusing the gorgeous, strong and articulate Nick of having nothing else going for him but wealth. Sarah interviews that if she hadn’t seen this incredibly lame, girly, sophomoric behavior from both of them, she would have though there was something defective going on. Sarah’s a fine judge of character!
Then Amber4 arrives, and the real judging gets underway. She immediately commandeers Justin, Devan and Matt and manages to call them manslut, old, and immature respectively in less than twenty seconds. Matt answers her question of “Why the fuck are you here when you are obviously not ready to maintain a relationship with a houseplant?” with, “Because I like getting out and doing stuff – I like being active.” She nods appraisingly at this because there’s really no other response. She asks Devan a couple of times why he’s hot, 32 and still single, and though he can’t quite get out the words “Closet Homosexual,” that’s what I gleaned from that exchange. Justin comes out strongly on top when he reveals to Amber4 that he’s only slept with two girls. She relates all this information to Kendra and the other Amber, paying specific attention to the fact that she thinks Devan is feeling pretty safe and that he no longer has anything to prove to the girls.
And with that comes the arrival of the Drama. Sarah’s ex-boyfriend has the gall – the gall! – to come to a public, popular bar the same night as his ex-girlfriend! I’m pretty sure the producers called his ass up and offered him some kind of compensation to show his face on the Strip that night. True friend that she is, Amber immediately tells Sarah, effectively ruining the girl’s night, when really, all that had to have happened was for Amber to run some interference and keep both camps away from each other.
Amber’s Turn-Ons: Completing successful booty pops and other people’s discomfort.
To the Drama’s credit, Noah is kind of a douche, telling Amber that she was a crazy bitch when he knew her and then making fake gun motions at the back of Tim’s head when the guy tries to diffuse the situation by dragging Amber away from it. I think Tim might be kind of a genius compared to everyone else on the show. Sarah is across the bar, appropriately wigging out. She is not impressed that Noah is at the bar. How can you be unimpressed with someone who showed up at a PUBLIC place with (maybe) no knowledge that you were there? While I’m busy arguing with Sarah’s choice of words, she’s busy fake crying to Nick that she just doesn’t want Noah there. Of course Nick jumps on the opportunity to beat his chest for Sarah, because he’s “kind of a protective guy.” Sarah? That’s something to be unimpressed with.
The whole thing is an anticlimax of epic proportions as basically a lot of staring and beer drinking goes on and not much else. Devan and Joe complain that since Amber feels the need to protect Sarah from Noah’s sneer, they aren’t getting a lot of time with her. Maybe worry more about the fact that you’re less amusing to her than someone else’s old relationship. I’d say something about Sarah, but she’s still wiggin’ for the rest of the segment, enjoying Tim and Nick playing Man Shields for her. For fuck’s sake, the Saddle Ranch is HUGE. If you don’t want to see someone, pick a different sector!
Sarah chooses this moment (after she’s made sure to be the center of everyone’s attention for awhile) to “realize” that she doesn’t care about Noah anymore and refuses to let him ruin her night. Bullriding and sex jokes ensue.
Yeah, she’s totally over it.
The night ends and Amber4 takes her leave of the group. Kendra acts like she lives in fucking Iceland, when really she’s probably still living in the Valley. Kendra’s happy the girl stopped by, though, because it helped her realize she likes Matt and Justin for different reasons. Hmmm. Clarity.
Morning becomes electric as the girls dish about how Nick doesn’t have a job, but it doesn’t matter to Sarah (until the show ends and so do those shopping sprees). She says she thinks is just as possible to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man. Sarah has a truth, and it is simple, but wise.
Kendra likes Justin, but his playa-naytcha worries her, and Matt made a good showing last night at the bar with his five word poem, but she doesn’t like the ever-present frat-boy nature.
I don’t know, I like this a lot better than fist pump romance he threw her way at Saddle Ranch.
This statement is followed by an admittedly hilarious montage featuring the Antics of Matt. These include mattress warfare, naked pool jumping and lots of yelling. The kid’s entertaining, I’ll give him that. Amber doesn’t know what to think about Joe, and by that I mean she did really like him until Sarah says he’s too quiet and will make her bored. Independent thoughts being independent of Amber’s head, she agrees that she does indeed get bored quickly.
Sarah also doesn’t like that even though she doesn’t know him very well, whenever Joe sees her, he gives her a hug. Assshole.
There’s a knock on the bedroom door, and Devan sticks his head inside to ask the girls if they’d like to go on their shopping spree. I’ll take Questions That End in Yes for $400, Alex.
I’ve amended the list of Amber’s turn ons to include shopping sprees, don’t worry.
Near as I can tell the girls only head to one store (Anat B. in Santa Monica), which does not a shopping spree make. However, the one-stop nature of this outing probably contributed to Devan playing along as well as he did. He gives equal attention to all the girls, helping them make choices, giving them feedback and totally shooting himself in the foot because now they all think he’s into all three of them. But then Amber puts on a leather bustier and shows him her thong, and all of a sudden, it’s just all over for Devan.
Back at the house, Devan tells Amber he has feelings for her using the word “like” roughly 20 times. He’s like, really nervous, to make, like, a confession, but he like, likes her. That’s about the size of it. Amber’s moved to giggles because she really likes Devan, too and is so happy you can practically hear the birds singing in her head. That is, until one of the other girls says something different that kind of makes sense to her. Journey’s end for you, Devan.
Elimination night ensues and the girls are Stressy Bessies. Kendra and Sarah think the decisions difficult because there are so few guys left and , Amber tries to justify eliminating Dan because he’s sick (seriously). The boys are about as interesting as they wait for elimination, each playing the “My Dick is Bigger than Yours Because I’m Less Nervous” game. There are lots of variations of the “My Dick is Bigger than Yours Because…” game.
The three No Votees this time around are Devan, Joe and Matt – Devan because even though he’s done everything right, he’s old. Joe because Sarah wants to make sure Nick and Tim are safe, and does not give a fuuuuuuck about Amber’s love life. Matt because he thinks banging his head against hard objects is really fun.
Each guy tries to defend himself like it matters what they say at all, and Joe in particular, after some coaching from Kendra and Sarah, vows to be more aggressive with Amber. Let it be said that he did seem confused that him letting Amber know that he liked her and going out with her didn’t get the message across. He’s probably also wondering why Amber isn’t saying shit against him or in his defense.
Just don’t think about it too hard, Joe.
The girls head to the bathroom and Amber knows she’s angry, but it’s not long with other girls whispering in her ear about what a douchebag Joe is, that she forgets Sarah’s totally selfish behavior and starts playing with Kendra’s hair. There’s some more arguing over Matt, but Joe must have kicked Sarah out of a club once, because she will not get off kicking him out.
The girls return from the Bathroom of Decision, and Sarah continues to lead the charge against passive, passive Joe. Kendra warns Matt that she needs a full-time man and not some kid on an extended Spring Break, and Matt nods as though that’s within his skill set as a human being. Finally, we’re down to Devan, and Amber says a lot of shit about him not being forward enough with her, but really, she’s talked about Joe’s cBLEEPock a lot, and hasn’t mentioned a single physical attribute of Devan’s that attracted her. She’s just not that into you, Dude.
Thusly, despite having won three trophies, Devan the Aged is sent home.
Sarah sends us off happy as a fucking clam that both guys she likes are safe. She’s also thinking about how much she likes dating two guys and how difficult it will be to stop. All class, all the way, that Sarah. I can’t think what would be worse – dating chicks like these or getting rejected by chicks like these.