Khloe and Lamar: All My Children [Have Children]

I’m a good American. Last week, I checked the Sunday TV listings and noticed that there was no new Khloe and Lamar episode. I accepted the fact that my time with them would be extended by one week (the horror) and ended up watching repeats of Community on On Demand. Imagine my surprise when I found out, there was an episode! On Monday nonetheless! I was angrier than a biscuit at a cock fight. I don’t know what that means, I heard it on Hannah Montana. I spent Memorial day like any good American; drag racing my Hummer through protected wildlife areas. I could’ve been doing this! If you’re in Khloe and Lamar withdrawal because the season’s over, never fear. Your late ass recaptress is here!

Remember when Rob managed a group named B5? Neither does he.

Khloe and Rob are taking a ride and she gives every rag out there an eargasm when she mentions that she read in one of them that she can not have a baby. Rob tells her to stop reading that trash because pretty soon Khloe will have yet another Kardashian to support; his San Diegoan ho Rosa from last week has missed her period. Khloe immediately starts freaking out and says that Rob always has unprotected sex. He denies it…weakly. Later on, Khloe breaks the news to Malika and she begins crying. She claims that it’s because she doesn’t want to see him go down this type of path. In her defense, he really isn’t ready to be a parent.

“You think the baby could fit in this bottle?”

Malika’s devastation continues:

“What if that crying little bastard has to move into my room?”

Khloe and Rob decide to break the news to Kris, mom, at a Lakers Game because she’ll have to be calm in public. Interestingly enough, Kris takes this opportunity to quiz Khloe about her sexual activities and lack of fertilized eggs.

Tell me exactly what the sex is like between you and Lamar.

First, I slap that ass like this.

Ooooh, do you tilt your head like this and let him walk over you while dragging his balls across your face?

“Tree, meet your apple”.

Perhaps you could put a poster of Kim over your bed? It’d probably turn Lamar on to see a beautiful woman while he’s in bed with you.

Like they have here at the Staples Center?

Khloe’s getting annoyed by all of the questions but she brought her mother hear to be equally obnoxius with her brother’s news. Speaking of which, Khloe takes the heat off of her by getting Rob to spill his beans. Rob tells his mom that he may have gotten a girl pregnant. The funny thing is, Kris would probably be thrilled if her girls had gotten knocked up by a rich dude but an unplanned pregancy by the only Kardashian that wouldn’t look good in a bikini and can’t collect child support? No bueno. Kris is pissed off because she knows she’ll be bankrolling this kid and its streetwalking mother. Rob tells her not to take this seriously and he walks away from her.

You’re just not responsible Robert! You haven’t made a sex tape and made a career out of it. Or had inappropriate nude underage pictures of you taken that required FBI involvement. Or had a child out of wedlock with a verbally abusive alcoholic. Or let underage girls play on a stripper pole. Catch up!

Yeah. Let’s just say that neither one will be winning any parent of the year awards. Someone else who may have difficulty getting that award is our fearless hero Khloe. She hasn’t been able to conceive yet and is growing concerned as time goes on. Lamar already has children so he is obviously fertile. Khloe goes to her gynecologist with Malika and a camera crew to find if there is a problem. He finds some secretion and says that he’s going to test for an infection or anything that may interfere with pregnancy.

Khloe calls Kris to share the news and Kris keeps insisting that Khloe is not barren. Khloe’s also pissed that Rob had such an easy time knocking up someone else. Then she panics because Lamar might leave her. According to the interwebs, 1 out of 3 women have endometriosis and 140% of their husbands leave them for being infertile. PoorKhloe, she hasn’t learned yet. Never diagnose yourself online. Winter of ’03, I was convinced that I had vertigo, chronic fatigue syndrome, and gout. I panicked for nothing; turned out it was just syphillis!

Anydisease, we’re treated to these black and white flashbacks of the couple discussing having kids with intense music playing in the background. You know that type of music they play in Infiniti commercials? Yeah, that shit! Its really sad.

“If I get pregnant, I swear I’ll let Lamar give me that Dirty Sanchez he’s always talking about.”

Can I just say that I love the fact that Khloe cooks all the damn time? This is why most people prefer her out of the three; she’s so real compared to the other two. Everytime I hear about Jennifer Aniston in that “poor thing her husband left her” context, I think about an article I read years ago when Jen bragged about not cooking and ordering out every night. I always thought that was  a recipe for disaster. No pun intended. No matter what a man says, I think they still want a woman that cooks at least once in a while…and that’s why I’m single.

Lamar tells Khloe that Jamie has been off on a wellness retreat. You’ll recall that Jamie couldn’t take all of the pressure of being given the title of CEO to a clothing line. It required showing up to meetings on time with pictures. Now most of us call this kindergarten and just power through that bitch but not Jamie. It was all too much. After all, his life was spared four years ago. That’ll fuck a person up in all kinds of ways…the gift of life is a real mutha! Lamar says that Jamie told him he wants a homecooked meal when he gets back. He’s coming back in full mooch mode, haha! Lamar paid for that retreat so Jamie could learn how to be more in tune with his douchiness. We’re then treated to a montage of black and white shots of him at the retreat except for this one they use the kind of background music they put in Ford commercials. You know that really cheesy stuff with folksy underdog appeal. Yeah, that shit!

If I pray really hard, maybe this girl will give me a reach around.

Then, Lamar starts talking about kids and baby names and Khloe starts getting cranky. Khloe doesn’t want him to know about the issues she’s having because she wants him to focus on basketball. In other words, don’t f%$k up that Lakers check! Khloe ends up fessin’ up and says that she’s waiting for results from the doctor. Lamar says that everything will work out but if it doesn’t, it won’t change their love in any way.

I wish I could go back in time, jump into Kris’ uterus, be fertilized by Daddy Kardashian’s super sperm, and marry Lamar 25 years later.

Rob hasn’t been able to get in touch with Rosa so he goes to find her.

Apparently she lives in a Comfort Inn.

Rosa answers the door and lets Rob into her love shack, baby love shack. Really, she’s got som interesting decor. She sits him down on a couch that most likely was picked up off the trash, lit on fire and doused in cat urine. I’m sure she Febrezed it though. She tells him that she “didn’t called him” because she went to the doctor and she is not pregnant anymore.

“The pillow I was going to use to trick you was burned in a horrible couch fire.”

Rob doesn’t know what to do or say now.

“Welp, wanna have some unprotected sex?”

Back at the ranch, Khloe gets a call from Dr. Crane and tells Lamar the good news. She’s A-ok! Yes, all of the Kardashians are ready for implantation or able to implant. I’m thrilled. I imagine Khloe and Lamar will be great parents so I guess I am a little happy for them. Malika and Rob are hanging out in the kitchen and she tells him that she’s sorry for what happened to Rosa but she’s relieved for him. That’s diplomatic and all but I’d be really pissed at his recklessness since he was banging Malika at the time. She just wants in so badly she’ll take what she can get.

Khloe has cooked again! This time it looks like Thanksgiving. A part of me is starting to think that her housekeeper cooks and she just reheats. Come on! Who has the time to do all of that cooking when you’ve got 6’10″ of pure chocolate to manhandle?

Jamie goes to the house after the retreat and immediately jumps into being himself. He tells Khloe that she looks muscula, and randomly questions Lamar about his crappy season on the court (as a team, not individualy). Lamar answers candidly and that turns into a discussion of their ups and downs this year. Basically, they’re all grateful for each other. Lamar is happy that even his dad is back in his life. Khloe is happy that she can have babies and I’m happy that this season is over so I can stop feling so horribly about how my life has turned out thus far. Seriously, its hard watching these people live these lives knowing that for most of them, it was all kind of a fluke.

Anyway, what’d you think? Was Rosa really pregnant? Should Malika and Rob try to get together? Will Jamie ever change? And will there be a Season 2? I’ll answer that one…obvs! The finale had 2.5 million viewers or something like that so their in the money! And I’m in the throes of depression with my newly self diagnosed endometriosis. Cue the folksy Ford music.