Khloe And Lamar: #DallasProblems

The stars at night are big and bright, DEEP IN THE HEARD OF TEXAS! Yes, that’s right the Odom’s have made their move to the Lone Star State. Unfortunately for anyone who follows sports even in the slightest every episode feels like the first 2 hours of Titanic, yes this seems ok now but you are going to crash and burn friend. In case you don’t follow sports, or my personal sport, stalking all things Kardashian related then you might not know that Lamar will NOT be returning to the Mavericks next year. But whatever let’s recap this episode like a 7th grader watching Titanic for the first time, maybe the boat won’t sink? Maybe Lamar will make a free throw? Nah.

We begin with Khloe finishing up some packing at the homestead and ENTER the room Kris and Bruce. Yes Pimp Mama Kris and the man who cries himself to sleep holding his gold medal have stopped by to say so long to Khloe. Kris is upset because she says they have never lived in different places before. I guess she is forgetting the time Khloe lived in Miami, or when Kourtney and Kim lived in New York, or when Kourtney went to college in Arizona, GO DEVILS!

Yes I did my homework. But whatever, let the Pimp have her emotional moment, she’s probably just upset because Khloe Does Dallas isn’t as easy to market as Kim Does Dallas.

Khloe arrives in Dallas to meet Lamar and is driven from the airport by a lovely Dallas local who tells her, “Welcome to Dallas, home of the NBA Championship Team the Mavericks”…not it Lamar has anything to do with it. Khloe tells us she is worried as the driver takes her through this unfamiliar city, she is relaying on him to bring her to a place she’s never been before. Who knew Khloe had a mental GPS of every other city in the world EXCEPT Dallas? At the end of the ride the driver turns around and says, “I could have killed you and no one would have known”. Ok, he doesn’t, but chill the f out bitch. Khloe meets up with Lamar who is staying in what appears to be  the Downtown Dallas Ramada. Lamar laments that he is sore, tired, and his ass feels like it’s about to rip. How is that possible? Khloe JUST got there!

Khloe is off to look at apartments, and finds that the people of Dallas are embracing the Kardashian lifestyle! Infact she stumbles upon a Kardashian throw down!

They are having a Kardashian look alike contest, a race, and for old time sake a “Are You An Ugly Crier Than Kim?” Contest.

Ok the last one I made up. Khloe doesn’t have time to hang at this for too long because she’s meeting with real estate agents, and with unlimted time, money, and resources she finds an apartment she likes! How does she do it?

Excited about the new possible homestead Khloe tells Lamar the good news, but he’s a little more preoccupied with the fact that his game is off. Lamar says training isn’t going well, he doesn’t really have time to care about apartments, translation, he enjoys the continental breakfast and complimentary USA Today that come with each night in the Ramada.

No time to worry about that because Khloe is off to find the finest Tempurpedic Bed in all of downtown Dallas.

She hits it off with a bubbly salesman who throws in a few pillows, for free. This results in about 4-5 awkward hugs. Is this what people do in Dallas? Solicit hugs? I’m taking my east coast ass to Dallas tomorrow to visit a friend, I will let you all know. Ps I’m not kidding, how fitting!

Now that they have a mattress Khloe decides it’s time to show Lamar the new Odom casa. And that is where our light drama begins, you see Khloe had picked out a sizable 2 bedroom, but Lamar worries that it won’t be big enough if they have an overnight guest. Khloe is confused because won’t the overnight guest just stay in the extra room.

And Lamar admits that he had planned for JAMIE to come live with them in Dallas. Don’t remember Jamie?

He’s the freeloading, child molester look alike that spends his days google-ing himself online and his nights trying to break into the Odom house after they tell him he has to leave. Khloe argues that Jamie will just be a distraction for Lamar and he will have to tell him that he can’t join them in Dallas. 90% chance Jamie is living on a street corner right now trying to convince Bruce Jenner he’s his biological son.

Khloe meets up for drinks with Portia Kidd the wife of Jason Kidd. Isn’t he an early 2000′s wife beater?

Quick google search reminds us that, YES was accused of that. This wife is new though, sorry girl but there is only room for one Portia on reality television.

Portia tries to help Khloe ease some of her worries about their big move. Dark lighting, hints of domestic abuse, and too much champagne, this is quickly turning into an episode of Basketball Wives. Ew.

No time for worrying about Portia Kidd’s safety because, IT’S GAME TIME. Yes, Lamar is off the play his first game and Khloe is sitting in an emergency exit to watch. She says she is feeling to shy to go to the Wives Club.

Khloe says it’s hard to go and be a part of another team, she has only been part of the Lakers. Isn’t that why she has big sis Kimmy? Kim’s been a part of like 324098204 basketball teams, and had about 2349038402948 of their parts in her. Meanwhile Lamar is playing like crap. Khloe remarks that he doesn’t know the players well enough so they don’t know how to have the right chemistry. This is being said by a woman who married a guy she knew for 4 weeks. Ok.

The game is over and the results are disastorius for the Mavericks. Somewhere that driver is crying himself to sleep and editing maps of Dallas in hopes that Khloe finds them and gets very lost, JOKES ON YOU. But back at the 2 bedroom Khloe has set up a little romantic evening to try and help cheer up Lamar. Shockingly enough lighting a bunch of mosquito candles and throwing some broke ass rose petals on the floor isn’t cutting it for him.

Lamar tells Khloe he’s going to bed and Khloe cries so she rings up Pimp Mama Kris for encouragement. Kris tells Khloe to calm down that things will get better, translation, I’ve already started using your house as storage for Kim and I only have time to deal with one child divorcing this year, SO DEAL WITH IT! Hearing the sounds of Pimp Mama Kris gets Lamar off that new fancy bed to find Khloe, he apologizes and they make up, all is right in the fair city of Dallas, for now….