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***Please welcome your newest recapp[er, ToughIssues, to the gasm!
When we last left the most tolerable Kardashian couple they were celebrating the end of the NBA lock out and by celebrating I mean Lamar was watching tv at 1 am and making half assed attempts to wake up a sleeping Khloe to celebrate…I assumed this episode would be some champagne showers and foreshadowing of Dallas, but alas it was time for your standard plastic surgery, PTSD episode. You have to have one episode where a cast member contemplates or gets plastic surgery, K. Jenner writes it into ALL of the their contracts. It’s only a matter of time before Mason is getting those ears pinned back!
The episode kicks off with Khloe’s trusty assistant Malika complaining about her size 2 body. I see problems. As Malika bemoans being perfect, Khloe avoids eating the plethora of cupcakes by introducing us to Henry the Giraffe. 90% chance this had made a cameo in the sex room. 90% chance Jenner gets 10% of anything this blow up toy makes.
Cut to day two (or the same day because this whole episode was more scripted than usual) as Khloe and Malika navigate the LA freeway, in which Khloe gets honked at for cutting off, not cutting off, being a Kardashian, driving with a plastic giraffee in the back seat…Malika is back on that TERRIBLE figure of hers!
You see it seems that Malika has made an appointment to have a consultation for a boob job. Khloe voices her occasional sanity by telling Malika she should be careful, apparently Malika just broke up with some guy she was dating for 4 episodes. We then take Malkia down the road of post break up antics, dare I say we got a reference to the head shave heard round the world.
Meanwhile the other dynamic duo of the house of Odum, Lamar and his freeloading “agent” Jamie are sitting at the basement bar contemplating tattoos….this conversation is going nowhere fast so thanfully the phone rings and it’s the Odum pateriach, Joe! If you haven’t met Lamar’s Dad yet I can tell you that he is basically Snoop Dogg with an AARP card andddd a budget.
The AARP card probably helps for that senior discount. Joe calls up with a list of demands in his smooth voice, he wants a trip to Hawaii andddd some groceries. Lamar says he can supply the groceries, he will have Henry the giraffe drop them off later, that trip to Hawaii will have to wait.
Lamar hangs up and contemplates his relationship to Jamie, he wonders if he does too much for this freeloading father. Jamie knows that he’s a grocery trip away from being Joe Odum so he quickly defends Joe and points out that he’s making an effort now. I’m pretty sure the whole basketball career, reality show, cologne line, marriage to a celebrity might have been some incentive to getting back into Lamar’s life. But Jamie isn’t going to point that out, he’s riding this wave right alongside Joe. We protect our own kind.
Meanwhile in an effort to get Malika to stave off that boob job Khloe takes her lingere shopping to show that with the right undergarments she can change it, without the help of surgery. Lest we forget Khloe is someone whose mother and stepfather have both had facelifts documented on their relality show. But whatever let’s play along for the sake of this boring episode. This isn’t working so Khloe decides to opt for plan b, changing into something from the Kardashian Sears collection in the store. Khloe informs Malika that she should be happy with her body!
To which Malika suggests liposcution to K. NO MALIKA, did Tara Reid teach us nothing about lipo? It all comes back, and in even worse places. Clearly Malika cut a deal with a local plastic surgeon to advertise this episode. Khloe is hurt and informs Malika that she will NOT be attending the consultation with Khloe. Malika sends out an all points bulletin to the b-squad Kardashian team members, Bruce, Scott, Henry the Giraffe, one of them has to be available!
Meanwhile Lamar meets up with this father for a romantic dinner of bottled water and demands. Right off the bat Joe inquires to Lamar if he may have any extra BRACELETS laying around that he could have? You know in all these requests Joe should ask for a sports coat that fits, just a thought.
Quickly the conversation moves from bracelets to Lamar reading the Odum family obituaries 1986-1996. Yes, Lamar recites everyone that died in their family during his middle school years, and it’s….depressing. Funny Lamar doesn’t mention his basketball career dying. While we are on the subject of depressing things Joe admits that he has suffered from PTSD from his time served in Vietnam. Lamar takes us down a quick history lesson on Nam where we get the opportunity to see the images that come up if you google Vietnam War. This is almost as depressing as when we saw the pictures of the Armenian genocide last week. I can’t say anything about this one because you can’t take cheap shots at Veterans or mass genocide…this show is taking a dark turn.
Let’s lighten things up with Malika’s trip to the plastic surgeon! Malika enlists the help of someone she hired on craiglist to go along with her, Mason must have been busy. She has some half assed conversation with a plastic surgeon, unless you are having work done by Paul Nassif and you are going to list a million different medications you are on, I’m not interested!
Malika is about to sign off on something when the surgeon’s assistant shows her some photos from a Playboy magazine? They blur out the images but I suspect it might have been THIS ONE.
I don’t even get this exchange. But enough shots from Playboy and Miss Malika decides she doesn’t need to get plastic surgery, she’s happy the way she is, you know size 12 girls and prettier than Khloe and Henry combined.
Back in Lamar’s world he’s contemplating a career change so he goes to visit troops at Camp Pendelton. Kidding. But Lamar and Khloe spend the day with some Marines and Lamar feels he know understands what his Dad went through in Nam. I’m sure a cushy celebrity visit to a US Marine Base is pretttty similar to being on the front lines of the bloodiest war in the last 100 years. Sure. Lamar is so inspired that he calls Joe and agrees to meet his demands, the boys trip will happen America!!!!! There is a god!!!!!
Although it will only be to Santa Barbara. Something tells me Joe isn’t legally allowed to leave the state of California. I see a chance for him to buy a bracelet in the hotel gift shop! All of Joe’s wildest freeloading dreams are coming true!
We end the episode with the president of the itty bitty titty committee Malika eating shit and apologizing to her boss, the almighty and powerful Khloe was right, she doesn’t need a boob job. Khloe happily accepts Malika’s apology, she has to stay on the good side with her, she’s not Kim who can toss around her henchman like she does her marriages.
It’s a slippery slope before that damn giraffee is the only one who listens to her vent about who cut her off on the 101.
Ok this epi was kinda lame, it’s my first post here at tvgasm and of course we kick off with an episode that has about as much substance as a conversation with Kourtney Kardashian’s unborn chid. But stay tuned, will Lamar get traded to Dallas? Will he play like a JV high school sophomore? Will Henry the giraffe FINALLY get that nose job he’s been contemplating! STAY TUNED!