Kid Nation: Episode Two: Pimps and Chickenheads

Last week I was a little down about Kid Nation. Then again, last week the lunatic upstairs from my apartment sprung a leak and refused to let the Landlord in to fix it, so I typed my recap with newspapers on my head and buckets all over my apartment. One can’t help but be a little negative under the circumstances. I still say the show could have been better last week, but the good news is that this week I’m totally entertained! I haven’t seen such a smooth turn-around like this since I caught Justin Timberlake at Madison Square Garden. Matter of fact there were lots of chickenheads there too. Huh. Weird. Grab your bandanas Gasmi, it’s time for Kid Nation!

I am way too cute for chicken killing.

We open with all the children playing with chickens and gently passing around their freshly laid (warm) eggs. Little Emilie particularly loves the chickens. She has 10 acres of farmland on her property. “Chickens are her friends.” Aw, aren’t the chickens so cute? Don’t we all love to pet them and share ice cream cones with them, and not dip them in egg and bread them with crumbs and fry them in oil? What’s that saying? Chickens are a man’s best friend?

Oh Clucky, I can tell you anything!

Back at the mess hall, the Pioneers are starting to get tired of canned food. They need a fresh meal. Canned corn, canned apples, it’s like Shoprite in that bitch: everything in cans cans. The Pioneers have had enough. Hey, careful with all the canned foot hate. Don’t go knockin on my boy Chef Boyardee, or we’re gonna have words. (Love ya Shaz).

The Council heads to the library where ABC, I mean the “Original Pioneers,” have left them a journal. The journal very subtly suggests that the Council consider killing chickens as a source of food. The Council is torn. Taylor and Anjay aren’t sure, and Mike says he thinks they should kill the chickens. Laurel is grossed out and asks if Mike’s really that “hotless”. Hotless? Is that, like, the opposite of coldless? As in, one who is without high temperatures? No no it’s just brutal attack on the word “heartless”. Sweetie, I love you. You’re the absolute coolest, most caring, wonderful child I’ve ever seen. But you’re gonna have to start respecting the R. Seriously. Respect it.

The Council decides to take a full Pioneer vote on chicken killing. A few of the animal loving children are completely against it, but the rest are all in favor. Luckily Bonanza is a majority wins town so chicken soup for all! Emilie is very upset about this. Very upset. If they kill the chickens she’ll have no one to play desert hop scotch with. She announces that if they kill chickens she’s going home. Poor Emilie. Go write a letter to the horses back on the farm about this. They’ll understand.

Just as a side note, did anyone else notice that when Emilie was talking about why she wanted to leave, and how she came onto the show in the first place she said, “When my mom told me to come here…” Oops. You know mom has all the neighbors over right now and had to respond with the “Silly girl, it was her idea. Really, she wanted to go” routine. Cue nervous giggle and an attempted diversion with a tray of Tottino’s Pizza Rolls. Stage parents are the best.

Ok so they’ve agreed to kill chickens, now there’s only one problem: How are they going to kill and “gut them” as the kids call it? Oh don’t worry, Greg will take care of it. Greg’s spent time working for a butcher. He’s butchered chickens and cows and all sorts of animals. Of course he has. Hasn’t every 15 year old? Maybe when he’s done he can teach us all how to scalp a man with a potato peeler. Jesus.

In a quest to save her dear friends, Emilie tells the other anti-chicken-killing-Pioneers that the chickens will be killed by strangulation. Uh, what? No they won’t. Don’t tell stories Emilie. Even in the name of chicken salvation, it’s poor form. Savannah hears this and becomes terrified. She starts getting graphic images in her head. “Are they going to hang them like Saddam Hussein?” Yes, yes they are. They’ll be hung on video in chicken-prisoner-of-war-fatigues and everything. The Pioneers are merciless. They must be stopped. Quick, chain yourself the coop wall.

Savannah, Emilie and an anonymous boy decide to lock themselves in the chicken coop and protect the chickies from the military invasion and possible Chinese water torture. This little protest leads the Council to have a second sit-down with the chickensavers. If you’re trying to persuade them, I have a reccomendation as a matter of strategy. And I was a chubby little kid so I feel comfortable saying this. Anonymous boy aside for a second., let’s take a look at these chickensavers. They’re a little on the over-served side. Clearly, food is their weakness. Just start talking about all the wonderful ways one can prepare chicken and let the salivating begin. Just a suggestion.

Eventually, all the Pioneers agree that the chickens must be cooked. For the greater good of course. For protein. Cut scene to the Pioneers walking towards a tree stump with Western Movie music playing in the background and a poor helpless Friend-of-Emilie in their hands. Good lord are they wearing aprons!? What kinda effed up Gangs of New York shit is this? Wait, did they just flash a “graphic nature, viewer discretion warning” across the screen!? Wait, they’re not really show them killing them are they? ARE THEY? THEY’RE GONNA SHOW IT!?!? I love chicken cutlets, but seriously. I’m nauseous. I can’t watch this.

Neither can they…

Or he….

Or she.

Greg instructs another boy to place the chicken on the tree stump and stretch out its neck. Ew. It’s not often a Charlie Brown quote seems applicable, but good grief. I can’t believe they’re standing there watching this. Someone yells out, “it knows it’s gonna die” and starts laughing. Jesus, these kids are sick. It’s day 5 and they’re already turning Lord of the Flies wild. One quick chop and the chicken is dead. Wait, no it’s not, it’s flapping. Oh God it’s flapping! Somebody make it stop flapping!

Greg tries to calmly suggest that the flapping is just reflexes and that the chicken is really dead. Then the chicken head that’s laying on the floor picks itself up and starts talking and the chicken head and Greg get into a little verbal debate over unfair counter intelligence and a breach of enemy lines. Reflexes. Riiiiight.

But but but wait, it gets worse. Next butcher Greg tells us that you have to dip the chicken in a pot of water to loosen the feathers, and then pluck all the feathers off. They won’t show that part though right? RIGHT? Oh God, they will.

I just threw up..I say…I just threw up in my mouth a little, son.

There’s only one thing that can pick me up from all this gross chicken mutilation: That’s right….time for the Jared quote of the week:

“We’re speeding up the cycle of life and death. (Holds up a flapping headless chicken that’s hanging upside down in his hand) We gave this one a short cut.”

It has to be said that I struggled with the Jared quote of the week this week. He just says so many weird things. He makes for great television so God bless him, but all kidding aside, somebody needs to confiscate that kid’s Pez dispenser, cause there’s not a doubt in my mind that the Donald Duck head is shooting out Oxycontin to this kid regularly.

Exhibit A

The next day the kids wake up to discover that it’s freezing out, and the water is frozen. Michael to the rescue, he and a few other boys boil what little water they do have and pour it over the water pump and get the water flowing again. Michael can walk back and forth to the water pump very quickly, because he has nothing in his pockets to weigh him down. Nothing, like, say, a $20,000 gold star for example.

Everyone is cold and hungry but the Yellow team (who are supposed to be the cooks) are sleeping in, and Yellow District Councilwoman Taylor is encouraging this lazy behavior.

Time for this weeks’ competition, which means it’s time to see the kids’ first reward option (I forgot to mention this last week amidst my bitter rant. The kids get a reward if all four districts complete the competition task. They choose between two rewards. Last week they chose extra porto-potties over a TV. Suckers.) This week’s first option is a giant blow up waterslide. I’ll tell you what, nothing makes me more excited in the middle of freezing cold weather than a blow up water slide. Useless. If I was there, that bitch would become a giant vodka ice luge in a matter of minutes.

The competition is as follows: The kids have to put together piping, basically leading through a barrel, an outhouse, up a ramp and eventually cause water to flow through the pipes to move a water wheel. Haha… water wheel. That almost sounds like wonder wheel from the movie The Toy with Richard Pryor. One of my favorites. Not because it’s the greatest movie ever- although it is up there- but because it holds the record in my book for the longest run of unappreciated genius. I watched it throughout my entire childhood and didn’t realize until at least 10 years later that I’d completely been missing the humor behind the fact that the main character, the very rich Eric Bates, was referred to throughout the entire movie as Master Bates.

This wonder wheel competition should be tight since none of the kids have experience with piping. Oh wait, never mind, turns out in addition to butchering animals, Greg’s also spent a little time doing PVC work and installing sprinkler systems on the side. What the fuck? What’s this kid’s deal? Is there anything this kid CAN’T do effectively. Besides wash his face I mean.

The competition gets a little suspenseful, but in the end the Blue District, courtesy of Greg, comes in first and is promoted to the Upper Class. Mike and his Red Nazis come in second and are demoted to Merchants, and Mike executes the two slowest pipers for not moving fast enough.

Yellow comes in third which means Taylor and crew will continue to sleep in, not clean, complain about being too young, and call themselves cooks. Now if Laurel’s Green district could get their pipes together and their wonder wheel turning, the Pioneers can earn their reward. Unfortunately, Green can’t get it done in time. Way to go Laurel’s green team. Way to blow the rewaud.

Thankfully the rest of the Pioneers are more supportive than I of the Green District and don’t make them feel bad about not finishing the task. I have to say, these are some of the most mature kids I’ve ever seen. Where do they come from? These kids are to be commended. And I will commend them. Right after I’m done mocking and ridiculing them.

Host Jonathan asks Michael why he’s not angry about losing the reward and Michael says, “It could be worse. We could be Ethiopian.” Now Michael, you know it could be worse than being Ethiopian. Ethiopians at least stand a chance to be adopted by Brad and Angelina. You could be the headless chicken Emilie is playing jax with in the coop. Now THAT, my friend, would be worse.

The Council start talking about how hard Greg has been working and what a great job he did during the competition and with the chickens. Mike is suspicious that Greg is just working hard for the Gold Star. The nerve of him! Working for compensation! Have him executed Hitler. I do see Mike’s point in this, nobody likes a phoney, but I also think Mike’s just mad because he doesn’t like Greg. And because he knows the Council can’t give the star to themselves, and therefore Mike will never win any money. And Mike would much rather win money than be on the council. Money is much more important to Mike. Anyway, let’s get back to how terrible Greg is for wanting the Gold Star.

The camera cuts to Greg admitting that he is working hard for the Gold Star. I don’t see how we can knock Greg for being poor and trying to help himself. The kid wants to go to college, the kid has no money, and he IS working hard. You can’t say he doesn’t deserve it just because he’s got money on his mind. It’s not like there aren’t people working hard in the real world with a paycheck in mind. That being said, Michael got ripped off last week, so as much as Greg has been putting in lots of effort, I think Michael is due one shiney gold star. And a little nook-nook from Sophia.

The Council struggle with the Greg/Michael dilemma. Cut to Michael telling the camera that he is working hard for the good of the community, and that he doesn’t care all that much about the Gold Star. I don’t know if Michael is the most mature, kindest, centered, good natured kid in the world, -OR- the smartest, most conniving child to hit reality TV, but either way he’s earned the Gold Star in my mind. Sorry Greggie. It’s gonna take more than a little chicken torture to get passed Michael the Fabulous.

Right on cue, the Town meeting is called to order. First order of business: Would anyone like to go home. Immediately I get Jimmy flashbacks. Aw Jimmy. We miss you buddy. The only person who might leave this week is Emilie. The camera pans to her but she stays firm. Ha! I totally knew she was bluffing. Her mom would never let her come home.

Next order of business: who thinks the council is not doing a good job. Ok Sophia just go ahead and raise your hand we all know you will. Ok thanks. Sophia thinks that Taylor and team Yellow have not been cleaning and cooking enough. Actually this time Sophia is totally right. Taylor tries to claim that they are very young and are doing the best they can. I think she means, as best as they can while sitting in their beds and stretching their arms out as far as possible.

We’re tryyyying!

Taylor’s whole pageant girls don’t do dishes thing was cute for five seconds, but now it’s getting real old. I have news for you Taylor. Pageant girls might not do dishes, but they do get little to no respect, embarrass themselves on television and annoy most of America. Great news, you’re right on track.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Gold Star. And this week it goes to…wait for it, wait for it, MICHAEL! Michael is thrilled and gives a motivational thank you speech about how everyone there has the potential to win. Host Jonathan asks Michael what he’s going to do with his money and he says that his parents really deserve it. This child is just too gracious. I can’t take it. Host Jonathan tells Michael he can go call his parents and Michael tell us that winning this week is more important to him in terms of being able to talk to his family then it is for the money. That’s it. He’s officially perfect. Or has been dipping into Jared’s Pez stash.

We close with Greg and one of his infamous vague foreshadowing threats. Last week it was: “I’m not mad. You haven’t seen me mad.” This week it was, “I was the obvious choice. It was a total lack of respect. And I’m going to do something about it.” Dun dun dun…… until then gasmii!