Kid Nation: Dear God, Please Take Taylor Away

This week on Kid Nation, the Pioneers teach us that you don’t have to convert in order to understand other religions, you don’t have to be an adult to be in love, and that Taylor’s never gonna get off her ass and do any work. Oh yeah, and the verdict against her on last week’s charge of tear faking in the first degree: Guilty as charged. I say we stone her.We open with Sophia and Morgan walking through Bonanza and Morgan asks Sophia if she thinks God put them there for a reason. Sophia responds that she stopped believing in God a while ago. So that’s a “no” then? Then Morgan says she can’t find a reason for her to be there. Uh, hullooooo.. you’re there to make it big, land youreslf a permanent gig in hollywood and wind up in rehab by 19. You’re parents didn’t mention this to you? Still can’t find a reason to be there? Try this one: the possibility of 20 grand. Amen.

The very next scene is Jared telling Guylan that back at school, kids said bad things about him because he’s Jewish. Aw, this makes me sad for Jared. And sad for his schoolmates actually. I mean really, of all the things that are odd about Jared, you’d think they’d have a laundry list of things to tease him about, and the one thing they pick on him for is his religion? Aside from misplaced that’s terribly mean. Really, who picks on a little kid like Jared? Oh, wait…

There wasn’t enough drama last week, and nothing stirs up a little controversy like religion, so the “Original Pioneers” suggest that the kids hold a religious service of their choosing. It can be one group service or split up, they should decide. Oh jeez, could this be a more obvious staging of conflict. Why don’t they just send the crips and the bloods in there and get it over with.

Back in the kitchen, the kids are discussing their religions proudly. Colton doesn’t understand what Hannakauh is, and doesn’t care to hear about it. Zack, and a couple of other kids team up and form what they call “Jew Crew,” and the Christian club declares that Christians rule. Uh oh…the Christian Club v. Jew Crew battle. This never ends well.

The council gets all the Pioneers together and announces that there will be a service and they want someone from each religious group to speak. Anyone against it? Uh… yeah. One little Pioneer is against it. A little Pioneer named Everyone.

Fighting and arguing breaks out amongst the Pioneers, and Mike yells for everyone to shut up. Then the camera cuts to Mike who is telling the camera confessional-style that the council makes the decisions whether the Pioneers like it or not. Hmmm. “we make the decisions whether they like it or not.” That sounds familiar to me. Where did I hear that? Oh yes, I think I heard it when I visited Taylorland. I believe over there it translates to “deal with it.” Mike is constantly overreaching his authority. His power trips are so blatant and irritating. I keep trying to like him, but he insists on stopping me.

Laurel doesn’t understand why everyone is so angry. You know what I don’t understand? I don’t understand why all of these kids have developed Herpes Simplex. I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to ignore it for the last three weeks, but it’s spreading so rapidly, it’s become the giant elephant in the room. Every time I look, another kid has a gross cold sore on their mouth. Laurel has two this week. What the hell is going on in Bonanza City? Do these kids have an ongoing game of kissy-face underway? More importantly, was there no Abreva in that supply wagon they pushed into town? The lip herpes have to go. It’s grossing me out.

Why did I kiss that asshole?

The kids are still upset about the forced religious services, so Alex, who is nine, takes it upon himself to start a survey of everyone’s religion. Not only is Alex so completely adorable and soft spoken and brilliant, but he also knows so much more about the different aspects religion than I did at nine. Hell, he knows more about different religions at nine than I did at fifteen. He’s the cutest little thing. So sweet.

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Love him.

The council tries to hold their forced religious services by ringing the dinner/alarmclock/service bell again, but nobody shows up. I can’t imagine why? After all, nothing says “Welcome to Freedomland” like obligatory religious services being forced upon you by a four people you met 10 days ago.

Instead of using a forceful hand, Morgan walks around letting people know there will be an optional prayer service for anyone who would like to come. This gentler method works much more successfully. It’s like my older brother always used to say in the ninties… “you catch more flies with honey.” Oh, no, wait, in the nineties he said, “I catch all the fly honeys.” My mistake, sorry.

When given an actual choice, some of the children do come to pray. Zack sings, and Pharoah is so touched by the tolerance and acceptance of other religions that he’s moved to the point of crying. Ah, tears… the weak man’s laughter. I’m teasing, the whole thing was actually quite moving. I’m proud of those little ankle biters. Including Greg Farkus. Even if he was just praying for the Gold Star.

Thank you for these tears lord

The next morning Taylor sleeps in late and then delves right into her training program: The Spoiled Housewife of America Training Program. By mid day we’ll catch her sipping on Starbucks and getting a pedi just before she heads off to Barney’s.

Everyone is tired of Talyor, especially Zack. Zack chooses to separate himself from Taylor, because he hates the fact that just because she’s Upper Class right now, she refuses to do any work. He reminds us that, “just because you don’t have to do something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.” And he’s right. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. It means you probably won’t.

In preparation for the upcoming Showdown the kids give themselves pep talks, including chants and cheers for their respective teams. Cut to Jared preparing for the showdown on his own as he spews out the Jared quote of the week. It’s important to know that the following sentence was spoken very slowly, with a pause between each word. I wish I had an explanation for why he broke up the sentence that way. Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t wish I had an explanation at all, this is Jared for crying out loud. Explanations are beyond reason when dealing with Oxycontin.

Where were we? Oh yes, the quote. The slowly spoken quote is, “I…am…not….the….kind…of…. person…..who….does….the…..cheering….stuff… I meditate.” And then they showed him meditating. And then I prayed to God that they do a Jared spin off called “Life of Jared, One Man’s Journey Towards Harmony.” Aaaaoooohhhhhhmmmm.

Priceless

Showdown time! This week’s showdown consists of putting together a giant steeple puzzle and then cranking it upright. Steeple puzzle huh? Somebody at CBS can finally throw away that post it that says “push religious theme.”

Host Jonathan’s play-by-play is terrible as usual. Everything he says is pretty much in the same tune, and usually consists of a something along the lines of, “Yellow….making progress!” or “Blue….falling behind!” That job is legalized stealing I tell you. Legalized stealing. Host Jonathan….raping CBS!

Blue finishes first and then starts cranking, and beats Red by just a hair. Yellow finishes third which means they will be back in the kitchen. Then they cut to confessional style Taylor saying that if they don’t like their food they can starve themselves, so too bad. Clearly she’s made major progress since she promised to change her ways last week. I bet all of Taylor’s report cards come home with a little check next to “needs improvement.”

Maybe Taylor just needs a little extra love? Maybe she’s bored. Well just because there’s no special occasion doesn’t mean Aunt McSteeny won’t come bearing gifts. I can show Taylor a little extra love. Here’s a brand new toy for you to play with Taylor. Special delivery from your dear Aunt McSteeny. And why wait? Put this little reward to use straight away honey! You deserve it:

You’re welcome

Speaking of rewards, since all four teams completed the showdown task, they have their choice of two rewards: a miniature golf course or a library of holy books. When they show the holy books Olivia claps in excitement. Please tell me that was editing, and she was actually clapping about something normal children enjoy.

Rather than making the reward choice on their own the Council decides to let the Pioneers decide. Laurel says that allowing the Pioneers to decide is key because she wants to make sure that the Pioneers know they’re impautant. I hope there’s a dictionary in that pile of books. Take a look Laurel… After Q and before S. Seriously.

They wind up taking a vote and in the end the majority picks the religious books. WHAT!? Ok, that settles it, these are not children. These are thirty nine of the most baby-faced 35-year-old midgets in America. And Greg.

Ok, now the next scene was by far the most entertaining for me thus far this season. I found myself laughing in that way where you feel bad about what you are witnessing, but at the same time you can’t help but find it humorous in its sadness. Like the way I felt when I watched I am Sam. You know it’s not supposed to be funny, but some of the stuff, in its sadness, is designed to make you laugh while you cry. That was this type of scene. I couldn’t get enough of it:

Picture it, if you will: Cody is nine years old. He is in his room crying. Not funny so far? Wait, we’ll get there. He’s not crying because he fell down or has otherwise injured himself. He’s crying because he misses his girlfriend Ashley. You see, he’s liked Ashley since the third grade. Which was like a whole year ago. It’s like dog years. That’s, like, a seven year affair by kid standards. This is serious stuff.

So he misses Ashley, and he’s holding a letter from her in his hand, and you just know that the letter was SO sprayed with Bratz perfume and puckered with Bonnie Bell lip gloss. He tries to read the letter aloud but he can’t because he gets all choked up. Do I cry, do I laugh, what do I do here?

I laugh

To top it all off, the letter includes a photo of the girlfriend. Like a 3rd grade school picture photo. Please tell me he kisses the photo, please tell me he kisses the photo. I know, I know, it’s sad, but I’m sorry it’s also so hysterically adorable! Just when I think the show can’t get any better, Cody says, “I gotta go get a rootbeer and get her off my mind” Atta boy Cody… drink her away! Brilliant.

After Cody goes to look at cows and forget about his distant love, we head back to the kitchen where Yellow, despite being deemed the cooks this week, is not washing dishes. Yellow team leader Taylor should be on top of this, but she isn’t doing anything about it. Laurel and the older kids have had enough so they go to the saloon to give Taylor a piece of their minds. When they get there Taylor is doing shots of sprite. I really don’t get the shots thing. Why do they do shots of soda? Is there something wrong with the bottles?

When Laurel tells Taylor she needs to do some work, Taylor starts laughing and Laurel tells her she’s humiliating herself. We all know how much I dislike her, but I can’t say I blame Taylor at this moment. It’s hard not to laugh at someone whose telling you you’re humiliating yourself while they’re on national television with lip herpes.

Nice lip, bitch

When they realize there’s no hope for Taylor, they give up and leave the saloon and Taylor yells out, “have a nice day…” Which is Taylorish for “Go fuck yourselves.” Go play on your new slide Taylor.

Zack rounds up kids from all different teams and convinces them to clean the dishes that the Yellow team has neglected. Everyone is happy with Zack, and Laurel says he’ll be nominated for the Gold Star. Also receiving nominations this week are Morgan and Greg. Morgan is still due from last week, and after her little prayer session she’s a shoe in. Taylor thinks Greg should get it, but Mike is still very anti Greg. Mike has such Gold Star issues. He should see someone about it. Professionally I mean.

Personally, I think Greg’s been working hard, and he prayed, and he hasn’t lost his mind lately, so I’d be fine with Greg winning the star this week, but we all know it won’t happen because Greg’s the Susan Lucci of the Gold Star awards.

When the town council meeting is called into session, Zack says Taylor isn’t making Bonanza better and isn’t using her leadership skills in the right way. All the Pioneers give a big collective “OOOHHHH, ” that sounds just like the ” OOOHHH” the audience on Saved by the Bell would give right after Lisa Turtle gave Screech some corny insult. I hope two of the Pioneers declare their love for one another so we get to hear the classic Saved by the Bell sexy “Whhoooooooo” that came after Zack and Kelly pecked. God I loved that whooo.

Host Jonathan has to earn his paycheck so he asks if anyone would like to go home. Cody raises his hand and says he wants to leave. The longest he’s been away from his family is a week- and even then he was with his grandma. He says there are “good reasons” for him to leave and “bad reasons.” Notice he doesn’t say “girlfriend reasons.” Typical man.

When Cody announces his departure, Cody’s close friend Campbell starts to cry. Aw. My eyes are officially misty. Turns out I’m not the only one. By the time Cody’s good reason bad reason speech is over some of the pioneers are in tears too. Jonathan asks if Campbell is going to be able to stay and Campbell says he’s going to try. Then he says “he was my best bud.” ok now everybody’s crying. Poor Campbell. What a cutie. I hope he stays.

In the end, the Gold Star goes to Morgan. She is genuinely touched, and I don’t see how anyone can argue with her winning. Morgan gives her victory speech which includes the line, “I have the best friends in the world here and I’ll never leave you, I promise.” And by “never” she means for 30 more days.

Morgan calls her mom and dad who are just plain shocked that Morgan has won a gold star. Apparently they thought the cameras were in their kitchen filming Trading Spaces or something? Yeah, I don’t buy it either.

So, what did they do with the counter tops?

That’s all she wrote. Will Campbell stay? Will Greg finally get his gold star? Who will the herpes spread to next? Find out next time Gasmi!