Kid Nation: Taylor’s Disgusting. I mean, Bonanza.

This week Kid Nation was all about trash. That’s when it occurred to me that Kid Nation and the life of Britney Spears share so many common elements. And it goes far beyond pure trashiness. Unsupervised children: check. Over indulgence in soda: check. Gum chewing: check. Rebellion and occasional disrespect of authority: check, check. Damn. If one of these kids comes out with ripped fishnets, and the town experiences a “blackout” (the name of Britney’s new album) I’m gonna be totally weirded out. Welcome aboard… It’s Kid Nation, bitch.We open day 17 with the town bell alarm clock; Zach being this weeks ringer. Zach is very excited to be on the Council . We know this, because he does a little victory song and dance including hip shaking and these original lyrics: “Who’s the new town council leader? Who’s the new town council leader?” Wow. Take it easy Danny Pintauro. Couple more of those pelvic thrusts and you’re gonna be cordially invited to YMCA camp this summer.

Taylor’s not happy with Zach’s bell ringing. In fact, she gets her teeny little beauty queen ass up, just to go yell at him and tell him how many people hate him. They should have done a split screen of Zach and Taylor right then and there, with a running tally on the bottom of the screen comparing the number of Zach haters to the number of Taylor haters. And then mailed the results to Taylor’s parents.

Mommy never makes me get up this early dickhead!

Zach tells Taylor she hates him some more, to which Zach replies, “too bad.” Taylor retorts, “Too bad my butt,” But I think she meant to say, “too bad my butt doesn’t get spanked by my parents enough.” Just when we think she couldn’t look more bitchy, Taylor tells Zach he has a unibrow. Hot damn that brat can be hurtful.

Just to be sure we get a full understanding of just how dirty Bonanza City has gotten, CBS shows us some footage of the conditions. Very dodgy indeed. Quite depressing. Just when our spirits are low, CBS gives us a little Jared. You know what that means…. The Jared quote of the week. Unfortunately, this week’s pick was rather easy, because Jared only had one real set of lines. But I have to say, it’s not many kids who have one line in Kid Nation, and still make the most of it. This weeks line:

“I think that the environment, is a lot of times a sorry place….”

Reading it back the line doesn’t seem all that funny, but for some reason I laugh whenever Jared opens his mouth. Something about his manner of speaking just kills me. I also laugh at everything Jared wears. Today’s ensemble: a tye dyed shirt with a red long sleeve under it, and the classic Jared straw hat. I idolize him in all his confident outrageous wardrobe splendor. He’s CBS’s male version of Carrie Bradshaw.

The only thing funnier to me this week than seeing Jared and listening to him speak, was watching the little boy walking in the background as Jared spoke. I’m referring to the anonymous boy making his way over a puddle via a gigantic fork. Not gigantic fork as in a pitchfork, gigantic fork as in a massive eating utensil. What is that? Did I miss the showdown with the oversized dishware reward? I don’t know for sure how it got to Bonanza City, but what I do know is that there’s a starving Giant out there somewhere seated in front of an enormous meatball, who’s really pissed off.

Kid Nation wouldn’t be Kid Nation unless the Manipulation Handbook had its day in the sun. This week the MH is right on the money as usual, and predicts that Bonanza is smelly and that the Pioneers should dispose of the waste. Gag me. Zach steps up on his first day as new councilmember and suggests taking the trash far away from the center of town, digging a hole, and burying it. Ah, a page from the Tony Soprano waste management handbook… very clever.

I’ll have you swimming with the fuckin fishes!

Guylan notices Zach doing big things on day one and is not to be outdone, so he-she suggests picking individual pioneers from each group to help with the waste management. The rest of the council agree. At this point 89% of the Kid Nation viewers are publicly saying what a blessing children are, but secretly hoping the council takes Taylor on the garbage mission. 5% of them hoping the council doesn’t bring her back.

The viewers are apparently not the only ones. When council announces who will be coming Sophia and a few other Pioneers very subtly point to Taylor. In addition to Greg, Blaine, and DK, council does in fact take along Taylor and Taylor’s head follower, Leila.

Taylor and Leila are, of course, appalled by the idea of touching garbage and try to talk their way out of it by saying they have other very important things to do. Laurel’s not buying it and snidely tells Taylor to deal with it. What’s that perfume you’re wearing Laurel? Is that Eu De Your Own Medicine? It’s lovely.

Ever the obedient pair, Taylor and Leila run away from their assignment, and Laurel tells her and Leila that they will receive a punishment. Leila has a change of heart (gorillas can be very indecisive) and decides to join the others in the trash mission. All kidding aside, that was very big of Leila. Even if it was purely out of fear of the punishment she did the right thing. She’s growing up right before our very eyes.

Speaking of growing, it appears DK has contracted the vicious herpes simplex, as there is a rather large one growing on his lip. It’s become painfully clear that in Bonanza City, no one is safe from the wrath of The Simplex.

All the Simplex Kids are out digging the whole, and eventually it becomes Guylan’s turn. Guylan is but a wee little boy…girl…boy….Er…birl, so she-he struggles with the digging. Everyone is concerned and a little embarrassed for him-her so they try to be encouraging but it’s no use. Guylan leaves the hole sadly, and finds a nice spot under a wagon to think about whether to be Spider man or Wonder Woman for Halloween this year:

But where could I possibly get an Alexis Arquette costume this late in the year?

Back at the bunks, after the trash is gone, Taylor is just about ready to get her punishment. What did they come up with?: the task of carrying water in buckets by herself to fill up the very empty water tank. Damn, I was pulling for life without parole.

She hesitates at first, but eventually agrees to fill the tank. It’s not regular agreeing though. She says okay. But it’s one of those “you’re gonna wish you never said that” kind of okays. The kind you give your boyfriend/husband when he asks if you could just go to bed and talk about it tomorrow. Yeah, that kind.

Taylor starts to fill the water and is crying along the way. She complains that they’re being dictators. Dictators huh? You mean, like people who force you do things you don’t want to do and make you just deal with it? You’re right. They’re terrible.

Halfway to the tank, Taylor calls for everyone’s attention, and then dumps the water out and walks away. So many terrible names are running through my head right now. But first an important question: will they let me on a plane to New Mexico with a baseball bat? No? Oh well, she’s long gone by now anyway.

Anjay and Laurel and a few others chase after Taylor and find her in one of the bunks. That’s when they decide false imprisonment may be the only effective answer. I can’t say I totally disagree, but I will casually remind them that there IS a kitchen in Bonanza City that kitchen presumably has wooden spoons. And mallets. Do with that information what you please.

When they won’t let her out of the bunk, Taylor is pissed and screams a high pitched little girl tantrum-scream and then tries the back door. Anjay beats her to it and holds the door shut. After some more yelling, Taylor kicks a half entertained and half fearful Anjay in the leg. This girl is just begging me to call her a bitch. She wants me to, I know she does. How did her parents let her get like this? I’d seriously have paid to have a live feed on mommy and daddy while they watch this episode.

Time for the Showdown! This week’s task: wade in a pool full of pigs and baked beans and find as many cans of your districts color as possible. 75 cans total and the Pioneers get their reward. More importantly though, I finally get to quote Something about Mary and yell “Franks and beans! Franks and beans!”

Guylan expects to be good at this showdown because he lived on a zoo. Did he just say he lived on a zoo? On a zoo? Lived? It’s bad enough the kid’s a hermaphrodite, now I also have to feel bad for him for washing up for school next to people feeding crackers to Giraffes? This can’t be right. Somebody who has DVR go back and please tell me that’s not right.

Everybody has a pretty easy time with the showdown except Anjay. But Anjay has an excuse. He “doesn’t have much muscle because his bones are still forming.” What the fuck does that even mean? I can’t even… I can’t.

Despite her distaste for all things dirty and smelly and not pink, even Taylor gets into the beans and finds a can. Then she adds that wanted to kill the pigs so bad. Don’t worry honey. They probably wanted to kill you too.

Greg gets very into it by doing a head first dive into the beans (so gross, by the way) and then adorable, adorable Alex races the clock for a last minute grab. Sadly, he’s just a bit late. Then he gives the classic Rocky II, Apollo Creed over the ropes pose. How adorable. Need a visual? Gladly…

Curse you Rocky Balboa

Alex tells us confessional style that he was upset, but that he’s “not a quitter at all. Unless it’s beyond the point of no return.” I have no idea what that means either, but by God isn’t he just adorable!?

Here are the final can collecting standings: Red wins with the most, Green comes in second, Yellow: third, and Blue: last. The good news is they got 75 cans so they’ve earned their reward. This week’s reward choice: fruits and vegetable, or dune buggies. Well, Leila was a good gorilla today, clearly that warrants a banana or two.

Mike and Taylor both want the dune buggies. Which is odd because Taylor was the first one to take the functional reward over the fun reward the whole time she was on council. Now she wants the fun present? I think back then she just wanted any excuses to say “deal with it.” She tells Zach if he takes the fruit she’s gonna hate him for the rest of her life. Such gentle persuasion, Taylor. Is that how mommy gets Daddy to buy her jewelry?

CBS tries to play it off like they’re considering the fun reward, but we all know better by now. They take the fruit and Mike is disappointed because he thinks the dune buggies were “aaaaaaawwwwesssooooome.” Awesome enough to drag the word out for a full minutes, make his voice shake and face the floor with odd head gestures while saying it. Weird kids are the worst.

The council assigns tasks to their Pioneers and Zach assigns Taylor and Leila to cleaning duty. Instead though, Taylor and Leila start making fruit salad for breakfast. Wait, when did Leila go back to Team Taylor? Leila, what are you doing?. Stop following Taylor around like a puppy. Get your animals straight. You’re a Gorilla dammit!

As punishment for failing to clean, Zach tells Taylor and Leila that they won’t be paid if they don’t do work. Brilliant Zachy! This might actually work with Taylor. Maybe.

Oh Gasmi, all this disobedience is getting out of hand, and DK can’t handle any more craziness. DK tells us that he’s starting to get tired of the chaos of Bonanza City, because no one cares about making the city better. DK, I hear ya, but you guys have turned down every fun reward you’ve been offered. Aside from some stragglers, the kids are being wonderful, all things considered. You call this chaos? You should have seen what happened last Christmas Eve when my uncle tried to take the plastic off my Grandma’s couch. DK my dear, you don’t know chaos.

As he complains about the land of wild chaos and tomfoolery that is Bonanza City, the camera cuts to Emilie and a child that looks like Harry Potter having a soda fight. Harry Potter makes a quick move, and runs straight into a barrel and falls down. I love watching people fall down. It’s one of life’s great accidental arts, is it not? That, and accidentally getting an awkward kiss on the lips from a semi-accquaintance who meant to kiss you on the cheek, but you turned the wrong way. Accidental art. Hysterical.

DK sees Harry Potter on the ground and goes over to find out the deal. Harry Potter isn’t seriously hurt, but DK has had it. Give him a break, DK. The kid’s glasses are three inches thick, there’s a good chance he just can’t see where he’s going. DK is not sympathetic to the handicapped today, so he gives Harry Potter a stern talking to and Harry Potter has learned his lesson. One more stunt like that young man and DK is taking your wand.

Why’s your right pant leg up? It’s the left foot that looks JACKED up

Council has to decide on a Gold Star recipient. No doubt about it, this week it’s DK all the way. Hands down, he was the man this week. So lets get to the meeting and hand it over to him. But first, lets all yell at Taylor a little.

Town council meeting is in session and everyone starts yelling at Taylor for her lack of work. They really gang up on her, but she’s been asking for it. Sophia tells Taylor to go home, and accuses her of doing nothing but eating food (although as a pageant queen, I doubt the eating part is true). Taylor is overwhelmed and DK eventually stands up for her. Now it’s more clear than ever that DK deserves the Gold Star.

That man who appears on screen occasionally to count things and hold a stop watch appears to ask if anyone would like to go home. That’s when DK raises his hand. God damn DK, do you realize what you’re doing? That’s a $20,000 hand raise you just made. Put it down! There hasn’t been a hand raise that costly since Clinton swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Everyone is devastated at he possibility of DK leaving. Well not the CBS producer who was loving every second of it, but the rest of Bonanza. Even Taylor is upset since DK is the only person who can stand her. DK is crying and upset and just can’t take it anymore, it’s just too much for him. Guylan takes him outside and basically begs DK to stay.

Guylan tries to convince DK to stay without expressing the imperative financial nature of him staying. Guylan might have even said to stay “at least one more week.” Which is subtle compared to what I would have done. I don’t know how that she-male had it in him-her to keep the gold star thing a secret. If that was me I would have been all shady, with a quick head turn back and forth to make sure no one was around, then talking out of the side of the mouth, saying “dude, icksnay on the oing homegay.” Or at least given a solid, “Achoogoldstar. Excuse me, alergies.”

Nope, Guylan held it in, and even managed to get DK to stay. So when the gold star presentation came around, everyone was thrilled. Even me. Because DK is such a great kid. Really top notch. And because he totally reminds me of a mini Dave Chapelle.

I even thought DK was a secret abbreviation code for “Dave’s Kid” until I saw DK call his parents. His parents were very happy and excited, and all 5 of DK’s siblings told him how much they loved him. Well actually one of the people was either a very old brother or a very young father. Whoever it is, he loves him. Hip-hip…DK!!

I’m rich, bitch!