Kid Nation: How Do I Love Jared, Let Me Count the Ways

This week on Kid Nation, we finally get the Jared footage we’ve all been waiting for. Now if I can just figure out how to get him wrapped up and shipped to my house with my very own Bonanza City necklace we’ll be all set…We open with a girl named Divad selling snacks for money, which causes a lot of drama in Bonanza. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen something like this cause controversy. Back in elementary school we used to call Divad’s little idea a bake sale, and the hot ticket item was the break-and-bake cookies that someone’s mom would send in, claiming she made from scratch. Everyone loved the bake sales until one year when somebody stole three dollars from the silver box they store the money in. I remember thinking they were conducting a thorough investigation, in search of the “cookie jar caper”.

In hindsight, the “thorough investigation” was just Principal Fisher and Ms. Leader-the meanest math teacher to ever walk the halls of an elementary school, asking a harmless line of questions in the principals office, but at the time it felt like CTU and an interrogation kit.

Anyway, they never did fine the thief, and eventually everyone just sort of assumed the money was taken by the janitor, Spike, who was thought to be a little “off” in light of the fact that he called all the girls Sally and all the boys Mikey. The bad news is they banned bake sales for the rest of the year, until the culprit fessed up. The good news is that I never fessed up, and the trapper keeper I spent that three dollars on in the school store was worth every penny.

But enough about my troubled past Gasmi, let’s discuss things that are relevant. Sophia’s not the only one upset with Divad’s bake sale. Jared’s not happy with Divad having “an entire snacking monopoly,” as he calls it. Then he says, “She needs a little competition. Do you see where I’m going here?” Jared, not only do I see where you’re going, but you’re officially the most fabulous thing ever. Everything you say is hysterical.

In order to put a stop to the “snack monopoly,” Jared decides to start a competing snack shop. He’s just about to get started when a little girl who apparently doubles as Divad’s agent comes along to tell Jared it’s a bad idea and suggest that Jared work directly for Divad. This girl is good. I’d like to see her and Ari in a head to head battle over Vince.

Talk to me when you’re serious about negotiating

Jared tries to be patient as Divad’s agent comes at him with a verbal assault. Ok fine, verbal assault is an exaggeration, but I get very defensive, and no body pushes my Jared around. Eventually Jared has had enough of the tongue lashing and says “You know what? Screw you.” You tell her Jared!

As a side note, I’m very confused about the guidelines that govern permissible television cursing. Let’s review, shall we? “Screw you” is clearly allowed, as Jared has clearly just demonstrated. So is “bitch”, because Kelly Taylor called Brenda Walsh a bitch at the Peach Pit some time ago. “Fuck” and “dick” on the other hand, are not allowed, as has been made clear courtesy of the Real World Sydney. These are very fine lines. Where does it end? I don’t have answers to these questions, but I’d imagine the writers of Family Guy do. Perhaps I’ll check with them. Either way, if you ask me, it’s all suspect.

Back to the point. After Jared’s screw you, Jared starts dumping the contents of Divad’s bake sale table on to the floor, and then proceeds to tip furniture over in what I’d guess is Jared’s equivalent to a temper tantrum. Although I can’t say “tantrum” is really the right word.

It was sort of like when a toddler wants some of the sandwhich you’re eating, but you know he can’t have it, so you try to trick him by handing him a cheerio assuming he won’t know the difference, but he (of course) does know the difference, and so he throws the cheerio on the ground in disgust of both the cheerio, AND the fact that you’ve indirectly insulted his intelligence. It’s more cute than tantrumy.

When Divad becomes aware of Jared’s little “incident” she says she doesn’t care, and claims that Jared is just jealous, and then she tells us how jealous people do things to try to break others’ down. True- a little egotistical, but okay. Then she assures us that she won’t be broken, it will just make her work harder. Well good for her. That’s actually a super attitude. You’re thinking you like her right now right? Yeah, just wait.

Divad calls Jared outside for a talk and Jared apologizes. Divad tells him it’s ok, and that she forgives him and then they make up with a warm embrace. Aaaaaand scene. Now here is where my mind changes about Divad.

I know she is supposed to look like a good, forgiving child here, and at first I thought highly of her, but there is something… I don’t know… grandly superior about her. Like she thinks she’s above everyone else or something. I can’t explain it, except to say that I just feel like she’s one of those people who are really really good at giving backhanded compliments.

Anyway Jared and Divad make up. Cut to Jared in his tye-dye telling us “I need to add a little peace and love to this place.” He’s also wearing a peace sign necklace, just as a nice touch. This is the first time in my life I’ve felt something postiive about a hippy. History in the making folks…right here at the ‘gasm.

The council get together and head to the library area, and we all know what this means. Blah blah blah Manipulation Handbook, blah blah blah, by now the town is short on money, here’s a map, go find the buried treasure. I have an idea, while you’re out digging for treasure kids, how bout you bury that manipulation handbook, m’kay?

Laurel thinks the treasure is a bad idea, because it will lead to greed. I agree with you Laurel, but do you know what greed leads to? Lots and lots of fabulous shoes. And lots of shoes can never be bad thing.

Guylan suggests that before they make a final decision they go see what the treasure actually is. They all agree with Guylan and head out. When the council gets up to the gold mine in search of the buried treasure, we discover that the cave is dark and there are bats, and it’s scary. It’s a very large, very dark cavelike dwelling that looks like this:

Wow. It’s true what they say. Pam Anderson’s vagina is wide enough to walk through with a lantern

In the cave, Laurel is scared, but Guylan’s not. Speaking of scared, this brings us to the McSteeny rap star lesson of the week (this is actually a new schtick, but I’m throwing it in here subltly as if it’s been going on since day one. Play along, will ya?). Eh hem… this week’s lesson: The Short U Phenomenon. Rap stars say “scurred” instead of “scared.” In fact, take any word with either the long A sound or the long E sound and replace the long A or E with a short U and you have yourself a rap star word. Well, at least a rap star word from the Dirty South region. (We’ll get to “Dirty South” another day). Examples of the short U phenonenon include: It’s getting hot in “hurr” and I have a new “purr” of sneakers. It’s quite fun, feel free to try it at home. You’ll really impress the kiddies.

Ok, so Guylan isn’t scurred of bats. Then again Guylan lives on a zoo where the monkeys play cards with him-her, and the hippos read him-her bedtime stories, so he-she’s not exactly a good standard by which to measure a fear. Or vaginas for that matter. Meanwhile, this whole kids in the cave in search for treasure scene is all very Goonies to me. I was just waiting for Laurel to say, “It’s our time. Our time down here,” and then pull Anjay against a wall and plant a kiss on him. That, or expecting the Throw Mama From The Train lady to pop out.

The council finds the treasure and discovers it holds 375 buffalo nickels. Laurel says she didn’t know what to expect, and that for all she knew the treasure could have contained “cow pies.” I have to be completely honest, I have no idea what a cow pie is, so I looked it up and for it’s apparently some sort of chocolate pecan dessertish snack. Something in the cookie category it appears. Who knew?

Back in town, and in line with the lack of money theme, Sophia decides it would be a good idea to fill a pot with gross food to see who will actually be willing to stick their hand in the pot to find two buffalo nickles in it. She treats this like her very own little personal experiment. Testing to see to what disgusting lengths poor people will go for the sake of money….hmm. Interesting. There are lots of homeless people here in New York, Sophia. Perhaps you’d like to play a little game of “Hide The Big Mac In Puppy Chow” with them? Sound like fun ya sicko?

Back in town, a somewhat new Kid Nation character is being brought to the forefront. His name is Nathan. Nathan is a very nice young lad, but Nathan has been home-schooled, and well, that tends to come with certain social issues. Nathan’s issue being that not a lot of the kids like him all that much. Incidentally, somewhere along the line of his home-school matriculation, he’s developed a sliiiiight case of OCD. The kid washes things 45 times. It’s really weird.

I don’t mean to talk badly about him, he’s really such a nice boy, but the washing thing is just so odd. It’s like he lives for dishes and laundry. He even washed girls underwear. The council has to regularly tell him to stop cleaning. He’s totally a touch the door knob six times after you close the door kinda kid. Plus he looks exactly like the kid who played Fred in Little Man Tate. Which isn’t helping Nathan, because that Fred kid had his own slew of social issues. So basically Nathan is fucked. Very nice, but very fucked.

Cut back to the council in Pam Anderson’s vagina trying to figure out what to do with all the money. Guylan, who we know can’t dig for shit, but apparently can suggest his-her ass off, suggests buying things that the entire town needs. Very good idea actually. Now if only you would cut your hair so we can call you a boy.

Oh my god, did I leave the curling iron on?

The council buys lots of toys for the town and when the kids find out, they’re thrilled. The kids play baseball and jump rope, and actually do fun kiddish things for once, but Nathan doesn’t want to play, he just wants to clean. Oh Nathan. You need some friends and a little fun. Where are Harry Connick Jr. and some clipper ships when you need them?

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The resemblence is uncanny

When playtime is over, Greg and some of the boys are in the kitchen are cleaning. Nathan is there washing a fork and concentrating as he counts the number of scrubs to himself… “forty-two, forty-three, forty-four….” Nathan wants to dump more water into the dish bucket. There is no real good reason for this, but Nathan has OCD and when those folks get something in their mind, then it just needs to be done. Greg says no, and yells at Nathan, and then Greg very maturely starts scratching a bowl in Nathan’s ear. What a prick.

Greg continues to tell Nathan that they don’t need anymore water, but they don’t call it OBSESSIVE CUMPULSIVE for nothing, so Nathan continues to insist. Greg reverts back to the douchbag we all love to hate and starts yelling at Little Man Tate even more. Then Greg grabs the bucket of water from him, and dumps it in to the bucket of dishes very angrily, and says “Fine, happy?” Oh Greg. Do you know nothing about people with OCD? Of course he’s not happy, it doesn’t count if you do it for him. He has to do it himself. And then he has to put the empty bucket down, and then pick it up, and then put it down, and then pick it up. Forty-two, forty-three, forty-four…

What is it with Greg anyway? He continues to be a mystery to me. One minute he’s nice, the next minute he’s a total asshole. He’s been doing this to me all season long. I’ve liked him for a while, and now you’re telling me I have to hate him again. I can barely keep up with you Greg.

After Greg dumps Nathan’s water, Nathan cries and goes back to his bunk very upset. I can’t tell you how bad I felt for Nathan at this point. It was the saddest part of the season for me by far. I don’t know if it’s because Greg was so mean to him, or if it’s because he has OCD and is home-schooled, or if it’s because he’s such a good-hearted sweet kid, but whatever the reason, I just hated seeing him so upset. He better get the gold star today, dammit.

All I wanted was what every young boy wants: immaculate dishes

Aside from just cleaning, the kids are also in cooking. Divad is making potatoes to sell. While cooking, she apparently burned her face with oil so she has burn marks on her face, but she doesn’t care, because she is the strongest person in the world, and richest person in bonanza, and just plain better at life than anyone on the planet, and that’s why she deserves the Gold Star. She’s very “yay me.” There’s one of those in every office, I think. Yay me, listen to what I just did. I kinda hate them. So does Laurel- which means all the self confidence in the world isn’t gonna get this kid a star. Perhaps she should include humble pie in her bake sale. And then eat it all.

Let’s discuss the name “Divad” for a moment. I have a theory on it. My guess is that her parents thought they were having a boy, and they named him David. And then when they actually had her, they found out it was a girl, but they had already bought those wooden letters to put together in the nursery and spell out the baby’s name. So it was either make the long haul back to the store, or pull a little switcheroo with the vowels. And so became Divad. Trust me on this. I’m a doctor.

Oh Gasmi, enough psychoanalyzing innocent children’s names, there’s a strange man on screen. Oh its that guy Jonathan. What’s he doing here? I know, that must mean it’s Showdown time!

Today’s showdown is to catapult eggs over a tower upon which the team leader is standing, and the goal is to have the eggs land onto a giant pillow some team members are holding. The kids need 48 eggs total to get the reward. Or two eggs, homefries, bacon, strawberry-filled french toast, and a small OJ to get IHOP’s rooty tooty fresh and fuity breakfast. Whichever.

Personally I found most of the showdown a tad boring except for the following parts: 1. Mike making fun of Guylan’s hand signals by saying “this is something that people do on the tarmac at airports.” Mike ever since you lost your power you’re ok by me. And 2. the parts where they showed Laurel and Guylan dodging eggs being catapulted at them at a rapid pace. Egg dodging just being quite entertaining to me in general.

In the end, all that matters is that red came in last, green came in third, yellow came in second, blue won, and they get their reward. It’s like they say on Run’s House, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”

This week’s reward is either coin operated washers and dryers, or new clothes and manual washers. Nathan wants the coin operated machines because he’d “spend a dollar if it meant he could have really clean clothes.” Don’t tell stories, Nathan. You just want to count the coins over and over while you wash…it’s like your OCD fantasy come true.

The rest of the town wants the manual washers, because no one really has money to spend on the machines. Taylor throws in her two cents, and actually makes me laugh when she says she’s happy about the clean clothes and adds “they’re even cute.”

The council chooses the manual washers and everyone is very happy except for Nathan who will have to wear only semi-clean shirts for the next twenty days.

Kill me

Jared hasn’t given up hope on his money making plan, and decides to use a magnifying glass on wood to make Bonanza City necklaces. How do you spell genius? That’s right, J-A-R-E-D.

Anyway the necklaces start as:

This

And end as:

This

By the time Jared’s necklace shop has opened and then closed for business, Jared is a very rich man. We know this, because after counting his coins, he gives us our Jared quote of the week: “Holy banana bread!” Then he tells us the money is burning a hole in his pocket so he needs to go spend it. The next few minutes of show are beyond priceless. It requires very elaborate descriptions and a photo.

We don’t see where Jared goes with all new newly earned money, but what we do know is that when he returns, he is decked out. Is there a Zorro Pimp Party, cause I think I just saw the guest of honor. Serious pimp.

He’s wearing a long black trench coat, he has a big black hat on, he’s got the walk of a confident hollywood leading man, and he’s swinging a lollipop like it’s keys to a Ferrari. On top of all this, we’ve got pimp music playing in the background and walks by Migle, a very cute thirteen year old, and tries to talk to her. I mean really. Does life get any better than Jared walking around like Brad Pitt in a brand new black outfit, swinging a lollipop to pimp music? I think it does not. The only thing better would have been if he turned to Migle and said this:

Hey sweetcheeks…come here often?

They didn’t show this on the air, but I saw a fashion show online that the kids did, which included them showing off their dirty clothes proudly announcing the length of time in which they’ve been wearing the clothes. (The shortest time period being four days straight). Much like Sophia’s bucket ‘o filth experiment, I have a feeling this idea was prompted by producers, but still…it’s really cute and very funny, and I highly suggest you go to cbs.com and check it out.

Now that my obligatory monthly cbs.com plug is out of the way, lets talk town meeting. We have a gold star to give away and we’re running out of time. And by running out of time, I mean it’s 4 oclock on a Friday and there are 5 or 6 stoli vanilla and diet cokes calling my name. Catch my drift, gasmi?

Oh wait, I almost forgot. The night before the council meeting, the blue team’s boys are in bed and Greg, for seemingly no reason, decides to apologize to Nathan and tell him what a great man he is, and to never listen to what other people have to say about him. For God’s sake Greg, this split personality thing is really starting to scurr me. Are you nice or are you mean? I don’t get it. I’m a woman of extremes. I either hate or love in these recaps, have you not realized this? Pick a team for crying out loud.

On to the gold star. The two people up for Gold Star this week are Little Man Nate, and Pharoah. Pharoah works reasonably hard, and his family really needs the money. Nathan works exceptionally hard (see: prefers washing bowls to going bowling), and perhaps has earned it more.

Now listen. I’m not trying to take anything away from Nathan here, clearly the boy does a tremendous amount of washing. But I mean, the kid clearly has OCD, and his obsessions revolve around cleanliness. It’s not like he’s just a regular kid determined to make Bonanza better one clean t-shirt at a time. The kid’s a victim to a devastatingly weird issue. Do we call this “earning”? Just a thought. I’d love to hear some opnions though.

So basically it’s his OCD or Pharoah and his underpriviledged family. Really it’s a win-win for the council, but the decision needs to be made nonetheless. P.S., I’m suprised Sophia hasn’t concocted an “experiment” including a pile of five dirty forks, a pile of three filthy t-shirts, and Nathan strategically placed equidistant to both piles, being forced to select to clean one pile or the other.

The town has made its decision and we’re about to hear it. But first we must discuss the odd ensemble Laurel has selected for today’s meeting. Um, Laurel honey, you know I love you. But what in the hell are you wearing? Are there no mirrors in Bonanza? A green t-shirt with a green bushy shouldered scoop-neck sweater over it, and the red hair in braided pig tails and a purple head band? Just because you got new clothes doesn’t mean to have to wear them all at once. I’d like to think a person such as yourself goes to great lengths to avoid Little Orphan Annie references, and Laurel my dear, this is just not going to help your cause.

I just stick out my chiiiin…and griiiin…and saaaaaaaay…

Anyhoo, the council picks Nathan, who is literally speechless. Nathan calls his mom who I expected to be a little weirder. She looked normal and she and Nathan’s sister tell him they love him and are so happy he won the “gold stah”. Again with the no Rs. Killing me. Despite Nathan’s claim that he is going to use the money for music school, Nathan is now free to do what we know he is actually going to do which is go by twenty thousand dollars worth of Palmolive.

I’d like to imagine Nathan left the phone room a happier man that day. I hope he held his head high on his walk back to the bunks; a smile on his face as he counted his steps back to bed. Forty-two, forty-three, forty-four….