Kid Nation: High Town

Sorry for the delay gasmii, I’ve been recovering from my ten year high school reunion. It’s true what they say about those things: they’re a drunkfest. And if they don’t say that about them, then they should start. Eric, America’s player from Big Brother 8 graduated HS with me and I was all ready to do what Flipit called a “thorough interview at the punchbowl.” I came prepared. Fist clenched as if holding a fake mic, and everything. But alas, America’s Player was a no show, so I settled for a quick interview with a young Japanese man (shot) who called himself Kamikaze instead. He unexpectedly showed up with five of his relatives.

For reasons I will never understand, five-sixths of the way through the six hour open bar, someone handed me a microphone. I hear I spoke into it. I’ve asked to be spared the remaining details. Lesson learned gasmi: the only thing that should be placed near my mouth after five hours of an open bar is duct tape.

Speaking of lesson learning and means of kidnapping, let’s see what’s happening in Kid Nation.

We open with Sophia roping off a plot of land. Now that she’s been made sheriff, she’s decided that she wants a little piece of Bonanza to herself, and tells everyone that they have to pay her five cents if they want to come into her territory. Really though, she just has a feeling that if she designates a plot of land for herself, the other Pioneers will suddenly want to walk there. She wants to see if her theory is true.

Seriously, what is this girl’s deal with the people experiments. First the “who will dip their hand in shit for money test” and now this. I don’t get it. And I checked her bio to see if maybe she wants to be a sociologist when she grows up or something, which would at least explain her interest in people’s behavior, but she wants to be a chef. A chef? Well get the hell in the damn kitchen and cook something then. Quit mind fucking.

I hate to get angry, but really. There are perfectly good mice and rats and ugly puppies upon which to conduct experiments. Why meddle with the minds of innocent children for her own entertainment value? And more importantly, why keep pronouncing it “Lahned” if you’re not British?

Jolly good time children, I do love those knickers, Laurel

The council heads to the library where the Manipulation Handbook reads, “If you are reading this, you’ve been in Bonanza for 35 days. See this is what pisses me off about this MH. It knows exactly how long the kids have been there? Based on what? What if the kids had gotten to Bonanza the first day and decided to read the whole MH straight through? Then they’d “be reading this” on day 1 not day 35. I know it’s just a show, but it just annoys me beyond belief that no one questions these things. It’s like Britney and the ripped fishnets, and the child neglect and the bare feet. It gets to a point where it’s gone on too long. Somebody has to say something.

Then the MH tells the council that back in 1885 the pioneers didn’t waste time before exploring the lands. It tells them to head west and see if they happen to come across anyone. Anyone, for example, that CBS might have bussed in yesterday under the guise of a “Native American Theme Costume Party.” Evite reading: you bring the clothes, we’ll supply the teepees and the hotdogs. Mind the cameras and the herpe lipped children!

The council informs the pioneers that they’ll be gone for the day, and that Sheriff Sophia is in charge. What does that mean exactly? Tea and and crumpits at noon and don’t be bloody late? Bugger off council.

Upon learning of her new role, Sophia stands up and declares Bonanza High Town. Well. I’m shocked. I knew Sophia was liberal but I did not take her to be a drug abuser. Oh wait, nevermind, I think she was just saying, “Hi, Town.” My fault. As you were.

The pioneers are a bit concerned about Sophia. Not that I can blame them, what with Sophia’s odd people experiments and sudden inexplicable straw chewing habit. Sophia walks into the saloon and tells the blue team that they need to straighten up. She gives a couple orders and says she’ll be back to check on it later. Olivia, annoyed with Sophia’s new authority, turns and gives Sophia a wink as if to say, “alright there, captain.” You know the kind. Not a sincere wink. A sarquackstic one.

Turns out everyone is worried over nothing, as Sophia’s only requirement is that everything needs to be clean and jobs need to be complete before the arcade is opened. She’s actually nice and supportive about it, and even Taylor hauls ass to get the job done. Granted, that could have just been motivation to get into the arcade but still. Taylor even has a private talk with Sophia to tell her what a great job she is doing as Sheriff and remind us how much she hates Greg. “I hope he gets attacked and eaten by coyotes out there.” Aw, mutual hate, just in time for the holidays. How sweet. The two girls exchange smiles and seal the deal with a wishful hug.

And an extra squeeze in hopes he develops amoebic dysentery

Over in the grasslands, the council is meeting with the Native American Costume Party attendees. “So,” Greg questions, “you have any suggestions on how to handle little kids who don’t listen?” Interesting question for a costume party, Chief Squatttingdog thinks to himself, but hey, he’s got three kids at home in Portland, he knows how it is, so he offers up some advice nonetheless. “Lead by example” he suggests. Hmm. Not gonna happen Greg thinks. How bout another question. (Note: dramatic reinactment) “Hey while we’re at it, you have any advice for volatile anger management issues and odd little girl carrying fettishes? Chief Squattingdog laughs. “That’s gonna cost you another hot dog, son.”

Ey, camera man. Get this guy a hotdog, STAT

Back in Bonanza City, Alex and Jared are off on an exploration of their own. Seriously, how much would I pay to be the third wheel on this little walk? Two of my favorite Pioneers playing together! As they scurry down a hill they spot an animal carcas. Aw, two of my favorite pioneers playing with an animal carcus! Alex says they should treat it like anatomy class. Anatomy class? In fourth grade? Ah yes, now I remember fourth grade anatomy class. I believe back then we called it “playing doctor.”

While I gush over them, Jared and Alex begin to discuss the requisites for carbon dating processing. Oh to be young again. Then Jared picks up what appears to be the animal’s pelvis and puts it in front of his face like a mask. Alex laughs the way you laugh when you can’t decide if a person is funny or just a plain old weirdo. Unable to come to a clear decision, Alex shrugs and they scurry back up the hill. As they leave, Jared gives us our quote of the week. “Ladies and Gentlemen, pelvis has left the building.” Alex grunts and shoots Jared a glance. His funny or weird dilemma has apparently been solved.

Nurse, this man needs a colonoscopy. Good thing I brought my trustee lolli

Back at the costume party, the council is being tricked into thinking they’re learning valuable lessons about Bonanza from actual Native Americans. Michael feels grateful to be given such a tremendous opportunity to learn from people who’ve been in New Mexico for centuries. If by centuries, you mean the past 26 hours, then good for you Mikey.

Tell me more about these pigs you wrap in blankets. I’m intrigued.

Later the council starts discussing who should get the gold star. They talk about giving it to someone who is very smart. Oh no, it’s going to come down to Alex or Jared isn’t it? That’s why they showed them playing Pelvis Face together. But how could I root for just one? Jared, Alex, Jared, Alex. Oh God, this is like Sophie’s choice.

Over in Bonanza, things continue to run smoothly. Zach is milking a goat, and saying that his parents in Miami Beach can’t do this. That’s true Zach, but you can’t stay at the Delano, get into Mansion or drink in bars that have beds in them. So it’s sort of a trade off.

Jonathan comes out to lead us into the show down. But first, who knows what the Homestead Act is? Bet I know who doesn’t remember what the Homestead Act is. Yes Jonathan, I’m looking at you. Jared raises his hand and says it gave 160 acres of land to people who farmed on it for 5 years. I checked and he’s completely right. Not that I didn’t trust Jonathan when he confirmed Jared’s answer. It’s just that my mommy taught me to never trust a man who wears pizzeria table cloths as shirts.

They’re all suspect, I tell you

The challenge is for each team to move their “homestead” (house, chickens, lama) from one spot to another. If all four teams complete the task in an hour they win the reward. Despite most of the stronger kids being at the costume party, the kids manage to successfully move in an hour and get the reward. Good for them, but I once moved from 53rd and 8th to 34th and second in thirty five minutes with only the assistance of a three dollar hooker a homeless man and a very confused taxi driver. And I didn’t get shit for it.

Jonathan reveals the two possible rewards. The first is a Kid Nation monument that says a bunch of crap about the kids being in Bonanza, and other touching stuff. Laurel is asked to read it and everyone gets emotional. I have to imagine this will be the reward of choice.

Next Jonathan reveals that the second option is hot air balloon rides. Mallory makes a face like she’s a male prison inmate who just saw either a plate of thanksgiving dinner or an extremely attractive woman.

kinda creepy

Since the council isn’t around, the choice of reward rests solely on Sophia. (Don’t make a “Sophia’s Choice” reference McSteeny. Be cool.) Suprisingly, Sophia picks the hot air balloons. The balloon rides look like fun and Sophia is particularly happy with her choice. She says it’s great to be able to see Bonanza from above and that she’ll take the memory of it with her forever. How touching. Somewhere out there a CBS executive is cursing his television and calling another exec yelling, “Yeah great. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do with that giant rock?”

Time for gold star nominations. As expected, most of the kids choose either Jared, Alex, or Migle. Migle is that cute thirteen year old they all called Paris Hilton for a while. Apparently now she works and makes speeches and stuff. Anyway, Jared walks in to the nomination room and I immediately burst into laughter. He walks in wearing his ski hat pulled over his face with his glasses on top. I don’t know where this kid comes up with this stuff. For a second he somewhat resembles Beeker from the Muppet Babies.

Turns out Jared nominates himself. Ooooh, bad move buddy. Didn’t you get the memo from Divad? This place doesn’t like self-promotion. Sorry pal, looks like you’re done. Put that mask back on and see if you can go find the Bonanza City bank to rob.

Open the vault. And you, pimpleface, hands where I can see ‘em

Seems like this week’s nominations are just chock full of self-indulgent drama. Zach comes in to nominate himself and actually starts to cry when saying how badly he wants the star. As soon as Greg sees the tears Greg starts laughing. Zach finishes his speech and leaves, and then Greg tells the council that the tears were fake. I disagree. I think Zach was sincerely crying, and Greg is just one of those guys who laughs during touching moments because he’s too emotionally immature to handle it.

Anyway, I’m about to be angry with Greg when the cameras follow Zach out of the room and back to his bunk where he proceeds to cry really hard. I’m talking balling. The incoherent kind of balling that you only do when someone dies or your parents tell you you can’t go to Playland(or maybe that was just me).

But the dragoncoaster….waaaa…

I have to be honest, I felt bad for Zach, but it was hard not to laugh seeing him balling like that. I guess maybe because you can tell it’s not real pain. It’s just that little kid who just needs a nap and then he’ll be fine kind of pain. This would have been a good time for Jonathan to start earning that paycheck by walking in with a nice blanket and some warm milk.

Zach trash talks the council and then decides to go give them a piece of his mind. There is one thing I can say for Zach, the boy speaks up and he doesn’t take shit. I like that about him. Lots of 10 year olds in his position wouldn’t have the nerve to walk up to a bunch of older kids like that and let them have it.

Upon Zach’s return, the council is surprsed when he tells them they’re all the worst people he’s ever met. Greg tries to comfort Zach by calling him over and telling him how much he respects him and knows that he’s been working hard. Oh, so that’s Greg’s deal. He’s more the “comfort a person when they’re down” type. He’s mean when he he’s angry, but as soon as he sees a sign of pain or vulnerablility he immediately wants to comfort. Quite frankly it’s a future of domestic violence waiting to happen. It sincerely concerns me. Gregory: get a hold of yourself before you wind up on Cops. I’m glad we had this talk.

Luckily, I’m not the only one concerned with Greg. DK calls Greg out and tells him that he doesn’t understand how he can trash talk one minute, and then turn around and tell the kid he respects him. DK is right. And I’m so glad he articluates this to Greg so well. For once Greg is at a loss for words. He’s knows he was wrong.

That night all the kids have a bonfire. Mmmmm smores. The council decides to lock the arcade in order to force the kids to bond with each other. The bonfire actually works, and the kids talk about how much they will miss Bonanza. Anjay even cries and says Bonanza is the only place he ever felt like he fit in. Dammit, misty eyes. Makes you realize how much more there really is to these kids’ lives.

At the town meeting, it’s time for the gold star. Michael stands up to tell us that this week’s winner is very smart. Ok that rules out Migle and Zach, so it’s Jared or Alex. And Jared shot himself in the foot when he nominated himself which means…. ding ding ding, Alex. Alex is in shock and stands up asking “Me?” Aw. He’s seriously so cute. I just want to squeeze him.

They should make a stuffed animal out of you

Alex receives the star and says that he’s happy but that twenty grand isn’t that much money. “It is but it isn’t. It’s a paradox.” Oh Alex. I love ya buddy, but just say thank you and call it a day. You don’t have people reward you with money and then say, it’s not that much money. To make matters worse, Alex sort of incinuates that he doesn’t have much use for it. No use for it? How about some braces for starters?

Alex calls his parents who seem quite nice but I don’t get the feeling it’s exactly considered the party house of the neighborhood. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just saying, fast foward to ten years from now, you’re not gonna be hearing, “Dude, kegger over at Alex’s. I’ll bring the slip n slide!”

And that was it. Next week is the finale. I can’t believe it’s almost over, can you Gasmii? Join me next week for what’s certain to me an emotional episode. See you then Gasmii!