Kid Nation: It’s Just the Rootbeer Talking

This week in Kid Nation, Greg acts like an asshole, little Mallory gets a ninth birthday present her parents will never be able to top, and all the kids get a nice caffeine high. Unfortunately, none of the girls develop enough rootbeer goggles to give Jared a little action behind the barn. Oh well, there’s always next week. Here’s hopin’ Gasmi! Your all access pass to inappropriate child bashing, after the jump…

It’s day 8 in Kid Nation, and week one has been hell. Pure hell. First they’re stuck with one toilet, then dirty dishes, and then chicken brutality… these poor kids have it rough. To think, they could be back home and in school; with bedtimes and broccoli and math like the rest of the lucky duckies their own age. A little advice from your Aunt McSteeny kiddes: at times like this there’s only one thing that can get you out of a dirty-dish-headless-chicken-twenty-thousand-dollar-prize funk: Sex. But you’re far too young for that. That leaves you one other option. I call it the back up plan: drinking.

And I don’t mean sipping. I mean drinking. Drinking until your boring friends actually become fun, and you no longer care that your hair could get a nom for best supporting friz in a dive bar, and you’re convinced that your ex boyrfriend DOES want to hear from you. But now, that’s all just complicated adult stuff my dearies, and we’ve wandered off our point. Back to drinking. Just drink. It makes everything better.

The kids take their Aunt McSteeny’s advice and throw themselves a party in the Bonanza Saloon for an open bar free-for-all. Actually I guess we can’t call it a free-for-all, because somebody paid. I think it was the Green team. No, no, the red team donated money to sponsor this charitable event. Maybe the blue team did too. Truth is, I’m not sure which teams donated to the party charity and I’m too lazy to go back online just to find out. Fuck it, just go ahead and correct me. I don’t give a shit.

The scene of the crime

The children are wild and actually child-like for the first time. See now THIS is what would really happen if they left kids alone without supervision. It’s about damn time. The kids are drinking root beer and yelling and cheering, and standing on the bar and dancing. Do your thing kids- “grounded” is not a word in the Kid Nation dictionary. I’m smiling with glee at their hapiness when I notice Greg and Minigreg standing on the bar. They each have a mug of rootbeer in one hand, and a shot glass of what appears to be mountain dew in the other. Aw, how cute… little baby shots. Tee-hee…. they’re double fisting.

Just then my friend calls me to ask me what the kids are doing shots of. This makes me laugh. Ever since I started recapping shows, my friends have started to believe that somehow I know more about the show I’m recapping as it airs then the rest of the world does. How the hell do I know what they are doing shots of? I wasn’t there. I don’t work for CBS. I work for TVgasm. If you want to know who Flipit’s latest boy-toy is, call me and I’ll find out (love ya Flip) otherwise, call CBS. While you’ve got them on the line, find out what the eff’s up with The Big Bang Theory? Are they serious with that? As a side note, I can’t wait until Real World Road Rules Challenge starts, and my friends start calling to ask me who wins.

I’ll never teeeellllllllll

I’m just about to start complaining about this outrageous phone call when my friend says, “what the hell?” I look at the tv and notice that Greg and Blaine are dropping their shots into the mug of rootbeer and chugging. Oh my God they just did a Mountain Dew Bomb.

Bad role models. Eye muffs, little children.

This is hysterical. Not to mention terrible. These kids shouldn’t be learning about Mountain Dew bombs. Ten year olds shouldn’t witness people doing shots. This is uncalledfor. This is child abuse. Right Jared?

Right Aunt M

My friend and I are in pure hysterics at the Mountain Dew Bombs. The jokes just keep coming: “Wow, they’re gonna be hurtin’ in the morning.” “Gee, you think Greg will go find a cute thirteen year old and take advantage of her in a drunken Dr. Pepper stupor?” “You don’t mean that Laurel… it’s the Fanta talking.” I’m so glad this show got good. And by good, I mean ridiculous in an entertaining fashion. You know, like Mel Brooks movies. Or Lindsey Lohan.

The next day the kids have to be up very early. The council rings the town bell which apparently doubles as an alarm clock. The kids are too hung over to get up so they ignore it. Greg takes it upon himself to walk around the bunks crashing two pan lids together like he’s the God damn energizer bunny. God I hate him.

Then he grabs a hold of one girl’s sleeping bag while she is in it, and drags her out of her shack and down the steps. This reminds me of when I was little and my sister used to pull my covers off of me in the morning when I wouldn’t wake up. Being bothered when you are asleep has to be one of the most enragening things I’ve ever experienced. Is “enragening” even a word? I don’t think it is, but it proves my point: Just the thought of being bothered under such circumstances has forced me to invent words. And word inventing is a true sign of an angry rage. Just look at what came out of Ralphie’s mouth when he finally lost it with Scut Farkus in A Christmas Story. Speaking of which, from now on Greg is going to be called Greg Farkus.

Just as another side note, I did a little research on this, and this is what Zach Ward, who played Scut Farkus, looks like now:

If this was a bar of soap in his mouth, I’d officially believe in Karma.

The Pioneers are angry at Greg for bullying the kids and they confront him on it. In a very mature response Greg calls one little girl a little bitch, throws a temper tantrum, and curses up a storm to the point that I don’t know what he’s saying over all the bleeps. All the children are appalled and wish he would have just said “earmuffs” before his rant.

After dealing with the head case that is Greg, the council goes back to the library to read the journal left by the “Original Pioneers.” It really bothers me that they try to place this nonsense there like pioneers actually left it for them. These kids are supposed to be smart, and yet not one of them has found it odd that the journal happens to know exactly what is going on in Kid Nation at that moment? Today, the day after the soda drunk festival, the Pioneers are guessing that the saloon might be open and the kids might be staying up late. How well predicited of you Pioneers!

Go away

The journal suggests that the council give the Pioneers a curfew. Unfortunately the journal has not suggested a time, so the council must decide on their own. They pick 9:30 and I am shocked. Nine effing thirty? I see how that works for 8 and 9 year olds but you’re telling me Greg Farkus is going to go to bed at 9:30 at fifteen years old? No way in hell.

Oddly, Greg Farkus doesn’t complain about the curfew at all. A couple of the other kids do, but overall they’re actually suprisingly fine with it in the end. Suckers. Seriously I don’t get it. When I was 15 I was up till 12:30 am watching the Arsenio Hall show. And that was weeknights.

But enough about me Gasmi, it’s time for the Showdown! Today’s showdown: sheep humping. The task is to find and collect three aces for your team. Each team has to find the aces by pulling the Ace card off the sheep with a particular name. How do they know the sheeps’ names? The same way I used to identify the triplets I babysat for when I was younger: spray paint.

The kids run around chasing the spray painted sheep in order to get their aces. The sheep are quick though, so the kids have to dive on top of the sheep in order to grab the cards. When they dive on them it looks like they are humping the sheep. While we wait for PETA to lose it’s collective minds, let’s discuss who won.

Yellow came in first, which means Taylor and crew will be the Upper Class. This is entirely thanks to Colton. Colton lives on a farm and so he’s a pro at animal humping. In addition to humping them, he terrifies them. Earlier in the episode he convinced one young lad that he’s the bravest little boy in the world by staring down a bull.

Please tell me they’re having steak tonight

The blue team comes in second and will be the merchants. This is because Greg Farkus and Minigregfarkus are bigger and faster then the other kids, so they pretty much have the advantage every challenge. Alex summed Greg Farkus up pretty well when he said that Greg is mean and cusses a lot, and is usually annoying, but when it comes time for the “showdown”, he’s really great. Oh Alex, I used to use that sort of justification as an excuse to stay with my bad boyfriends. Trust me, good “showdown” or not, it doesn’t pan out.

In the end, the Green team comes in third and are the cooks, so Sophia is thrilled, and Mike’s Red Nazi party loses and become the lowly laborers. I can’t lie, I giggled the most evil giggle I’ve ever giggled when Mike lost. Why do I hate him so much? Oh, that’s right, because he’s a Nazi.

All four teams finished in time, which means they got their choice of two rewards: A microwave and hot chocolate, or many many boxes of pizza. Oh jesus, come on, just pick the pizza. Council gets to decide what the reward is and they picked the microwave because they need it more. Mike was real pissed because he really wanted the pizza and when he mentions to council that the pioneers would be very upset with the microwave decision Taylor explains that they’d have to “deal with it.” For the remaining 25 minutes of the show Taylor says “deal with it” in the bossiest voice I’ve ever heard, approximately 285 times. Something tells me Taylor is going to be eating those words later. In the meantime, I think Greg should drag her down steps in a sleeping bag and then seal her up in it.

I’m real annoyed at this point, and I know the only thing that can lighten my mood would be for Jared to say something hysterical. As if the Gods were on my side for once, the sky grew dark on Kid Nation and it began to rain. The winds picked up, and the kids had to run inside and take shelter. That’s it children, head to the saloon; this is an hour of need! The porto-potties tipped over from all the wind, dust started flying everywhere and Jared started running around like a lunatic shouting “It’s a twister, it’s a twister!” This is the obvious winner for the Jared quote of the week. In a close second: “If we had a microwave, it might make it easier for us to reheat something.”

When the weather clears up the children are all cold so Sophia offers to make them all cocoa. Is it just me, or does the phrase “hot cocoa” make you cringe? Who says “hot cocoa?” Nobody says cocoa. Except for maybe June Clever. If there are two people I’d love to bitch slap it’s the person who started making it ok to use the phrase “hot cocoa” and the person who made it ok to use the word panties. It’s hot chocolate and underwear God dammit.

Too much sidetracking, let’s discuss the Town Council meeting. When the meeting is commenced, the Pioneers are in an uproar over Talyor’s attitude and yellow’s lack of cleaning. Talyor starts in with the “deal with it” talk and Sophia has had enough. Screw the host, she initates the “who is upset with council” part of the show on her own. At this point in the season Host Johnathan’s only job is to hand the telephone booth key two the gold star child at the end of the show. He has to be the most usless man in America right now. I can’t believe they pay him.

Practically every pioneer raises their hand in disapproval of the council. They’re saying “Council”, but they really mean “Taylor”, and Talyor knows it. She tries to defend herself by saying that she is Upper class now and if Upper Class doesn’t want to work they don’t have to. Spoken like a true snob, Taylor. Her parents must be embarrassed. Somewhere out there her Dad’s shaking his head and wishing he got a BJ ten years ago.

Sophia asks for a re-election and the Pioneers are behind her. After realizing her ass is on the line, Taylor starts to cry, and Sophia decides to give Taylor a taste of her own medicine. (Open wide Talyor, this is the part where you start eating those words of yours…) When Taylor’s crying becomes obvious to the pioneers Sophia yells out, “You’re doing a bad job Taylor, deal with it,” and I love Sophia for the first time this season.

Taylor realizes the jig is up, and pretends to feel bad and lies and says she’ll start doing more work from now on. They all clap for her while secretly planning to put leftover chicken heads in her sleeping bag tonight.

I’m fucked

All this drama almost keeps us from getting to the $20,000 gold star. This week the council wants input from all the pioneers before they make their decision. Most of the votes are split between Morgan who is a very nice young girl who works hard and acts very motherly and helpful, and Greg Farkus who helped tip the porto-potties right side up during the “Twister”.

Mallory’s older sister suggests Mallory should get the gold star. Mallory works hard, and is homesick, and is celebrating her ninth birthday on the date of the council meeting. She also runs a tight ship at the grocery store. Did it mention it was her birthday? Olivia makes it clear that she’s picking Mallory because she works hard, and it’s “NOT because Mallory is my sister.” I don’t know why, but I just felt like it would have been so funny if when she said “it’s not because Mallory is my sister,” she paused and then continued, “it’s because we both have the same mother.”

Either way, the council bought Olivia’s pitch and Mallory got the greatest birthday gift a nine year old has ever gotten, except for my one cousin whose Dad is so rich that for her 9th birthday he put fifty grand into a bank account in her name. Host Jonathan wakes up and does his one job of handing Mallory the key to the telephone booth. Mallory tells her mama and daddy that she misses them and she actually looks really cute so I’m happy for her.

Greg Farkus is not so happy with her though. He thinks the only reason she won is because it’s her birthday. He also thinks the Gold Star should be given to the person who works the hardest. Or untips porto-potties. Or is the oldest. Or can do the best energizer bunny impression. We get it Greg Farkus, we get it. You want the money. Maybe next week… In the meantime why don’t you and Grover Dill go make some nine year olds say “Uncle”.