Kid Nation: The Talented Mr. Spitley

This week in Kid Nation, Greg cross dresses, Laurel proves she’s the most fantastic child in America, and Guylan triggers my gag reflex. Everybody buckled up? Okay, let’s go…

Before we get started, I wanted to tell you that this week I watched the show with a guy named Dexter. Actually, his name’s not Dexter at all, but here at the ‘gasm we like to maintain a certain level of anonymity. Take the name Dr. McSteeny for example: Wholly inaccurate. I’m not a doctor. Or Irish for that matter.

So to protect his true identity, I’m calling him Dexter. If your cable subscription includes Showtime, then you can guess why. If you don’t have Showtime, mix cute with a little bit of emotional unavailability. Then add a dash of disturbia. Heat at 450 degrees for 45 minutes, and viola… Dexter.

Dexter’s the person who pushed me to start writing recaps in the first place. Without Dex there’d be no McSteeny, and for that I will be forever indebted to him. As repayment, I’ve already decided that when I’m rich and famous, I will let him carry my bags and my second blackberry for me. In the meantime, I let him watch tv with me sometimes and will now quote the awful and absurd things that come out of his mouth. Gasmii meet Dexter, Dexter, meet Gasmii. Try not to kill each other.

We open with a very bored Bonanza City. Sophia is so bored that she lies down on the ground. Michael is so bored that he joins her. Jared and a bunch of other Pioneers are so bored that they join Michael and Sofia. Know who else must be bored? The guy CBS paid to sit in front of the locked closet holding all the toys the kids just received last week so they’d have nothing to play with today.

Eventually they are all lying down, and they’re doing so in a way that they are all sort of on top of each other. Dex makes a gross comment that I won’t repeat here, but suffice it to say it includes the word “orgy.”

Is anyone else uncomfortable with this?

Always eager to resolve a pesky script obstacle, DK rings the town bell and calls an impromptu town meeting. All the Pioneers arrive looking very confused: DK is ringing the bell even though he’s not on the Council… the kids are wearing ponchos even though it’s not raining… it’s all very confusing.

The kids agree that they’re bored. No shit you’re bored. You turned down all the good rewards. Bet those dune buggies sounds awfully good right now huh? Don’t worry kiddies, I bet back in 1889 people were bored and inexplicably wearing ponchos, so the Manipulation Handbook will know what to do. In fact, the MH does know what to do. As a side note, I wonder how long will it be before Jared starts burning wood necklaces with the abbreviation for “What Would The Original Pioneers Do” on them. More importantly, where can I buy one?

The MH suggests a play or a talent show. Which basically means that the MH suggests a talent show, because most kids don’t really like plays. At least not the straight ones. The council notifies the general public of the talent show and everyone is excited. Including me, because it turns out that Jared is going to be reciting a Shakespeare monologue. I can’t believe he thought of that. It’s like he’s reading my mind.

Concentrate McSteeny. And nooow you are thinking about ice cream

In addition to Jared’s Shakespeare Monologue, Greg and Blaine will be doing their own version of Romeo and Juliet. Contrary to what we might expect, Olivia will not be doing her famous duck impression (Step One: turn to the side, Step Two: take a bow) but rather, she will be doing a stand-up comedy routine. “Is she serious?” Dex asks. “As a heart aquack,” I respond. Those quack jokes will never get old to me. I could do them all day.

Before we get to see the performances, the kids have some work to do. We are introduced to some new characters this week: Migle and Natasha. Migle and Natasha are in the blue district and therefore are upper class this week. They’re so over Bonanza City, and don’t want to do much work. They’re very cute girls who are into clothes and shopping, and Alex tells us that they’re known as Paris and Nicole. Then he tells us he has no idea what that means. And that is why I love him

Greg and Blaine tell Paris and Nicole that if they don’t work, Greg and Blaine are going to throw the showdown to make sure blue are laborers and then assign Paris and Nicole to toilet duty. So that would be like, The Simple Life: Maid in Bonanza City, right? Sounds catchy. I like it.

“That’s hot”

“Loves it, bitch”

Before the show down, Anjay gives a pep talk asking if Blue is going to win and Greg replies with a quick “no.” Got a laugh out of me this week Greg. I guess don’t hate you.

This week’s showdown is kinda gross. The kids have to chew gum balls and then hand the chewed gum to their council member who has to stick it on a board which is sort of a paint by number. Only in this case, it’s stick by letter. The producers are really hurtin for ideas here huh? Here’s an idea: pull the big fan out again and make the dust blow so Jared can yell “It’s a twista!” again. Everyone loves that.

The kids start chewing away and the council starts sticking. Anjay even chews already chewed gum. Good idea Anjay. There aren’t highly contagious mouth issues going on in Bonanza. Chew away my friend. It’s basically a dirty germ fest. Nathan must be losing his OCD mind in there.

At one point someone on yellows team decides that the more wet the gum is, the better it will stick. So they spit on the gum before handing it to Zach, who understandably refuses to take it, and we see the saliva hanging off. This is so gross. Isn’t there a chicken they can go kill or something?

Guylan is particularly turned off by the chewed gum-sticking showdown. He tells Jonathan he feels like he’s going to throw up, and I kind of believe him. Cut to Guylan in a confessional, where he tells us how gross it was. And then he proceeds to gag. Which, of course, makes me gag, because everybody knows gagging is contagious. It’s like yawning. Or lip herpes.

Thankfully the showdown ends, and Green comes in first for the first time all season. Blue comes in second, Guylan’s gagging ass comes in third, but yellow doesn’t finish, so the kids don’t get a reward. Which totally sucks because the reward they would have picked would have been a big dance party, and I would kill to see some of these kids dance. I could have made this recap 8 pages long if they danced. Bastards.

Oh well, at least we have the talent show. I can barely contain myself as the kids prepare for their performances. Jared practices his over and over, because he really wants to nail it. He just keeps reading and reading and rehearsing and rehearsing, and I just can’t get enough of it. He should be forced to speak Shakepearean for the rest of the season.

When the day of the talent show finally arrives, I’m on the edge of my seat. Some of the acts are just plain terrible (Campbell’s bird noise, for example) but hey, at least they got up there and did something. Gotta give them credit for that.

Others actually displayed tremendous talent. Like Divad’s agent. Divad’s agent comes out and plays a beautiful piano piece. Well great. Thanks a lot Divad’s agent. I’ll just come up with jokes and ways to make fun of people on my own. No need to help.

Greg and Blaine are much more helpful. Their version of Romeo and Juliet includes them coming out dressed up as girls. Greg looks like this:

Dead sexy

The kids get a huge kick out of Greg in his girly outfit. Especially Guylan.

Oh my God Anjay. How funny does Greg look in my dress?

Olivia comes out to do her stand-up routine, and the kids seemed to like it but I thought it was awful. So did Dex. I was actually uncomfortable. I mean, I actually felt embarrassment on her behalf. For one, her jokes were terrible, and “for two” she talked in a really annoying voice. I think it was supposed to be her stand-up comic voice. Whatever it was, it had to go. I cringed for a full three minutes. Slow torture I tell you. Slow torture.

Finally Jared comes to sell us some Shakespeare. Sell on young man! Keeping in line with the borrowing each other’s clothing theme of the day, Jared appears to have borrowed a brown vest from Greg. Perhaps to make his standard tye-dye outfit a bit more sophisticated. Works like a charm. Now he looks like Aladdin.

Prince Ali Ababwa

Jared is a little nervous, so he stutters at first. Which is frustrating to me because I’m impatient by nature and I’m dying to hear this. T-t-t-today junior! Dex and I sit in silence as Jared babbles on in seemingly foreign tongues. When he’s done, I’m left almost at a loss for words, but “bravo” and “encore” certainly come to mind. I never want this moment to end. Neither does Randi, one if Taylor’s obedient soldiers. She gets a real kick out of it, much to Taylor’s dismay.

Why are you laughing without permission, Private? Drop and give me twenty!

Unfortunately it does end. Kennedy gets up and does a little weird dance/act like an idiot routine. I still don’t understand how this is talent. Whatever, fuck me though, the kids love it. Give her the gold star. She earned it. Or something.

PS Jared quote of the week: “I wasn’t the worst.”

Next Savannah stands up and says she has to make an announcement. Dex says, “let me guess, you’re hungry?” This is mean, but I sort of giggle. We’ve been given clues that Savannah might leave, (PS Alex telling her to stay: A.Door.A.Bull). I’m thinking to myself, jesus kid, way to rain on everybody’s parade and announce your departure just when everyone is finally happy. Instead Savannah just announces that she’s staying. Great. Sit down now, thunder stealer. Come to the stage when you’ve got a talent to showcase.

I’m not going to get into the specifics about who nominated who for the Gold Star this week, but I have to mention the audacity of Divad to go ahead and nominate herself for the star this week. Again. She can’t be serious. Take a hint honey. Self-promotion is not working. Pick another angle. Try one that includes you just shutting up and doing work.

Selfish

Before I go getting cranky, lets talk about the town meeting. Before we get to the gold star and Jonathan wants to know if anyone else has a talent they’d like to display. What the hell is going on here? First Savannah is making staying or going announcements during the talent show, and now we’re displaying talents during the town meeting? What is with all the confusion this episode? People announce if they are going or staying at the town council meetings, and people display talents at the talent show. It’s pretty simple really.

I was all annoyed for a second until DK stood up. Oh yay, Is he going to do Chappelle stand-up? No, he wants Laurel to sing. Laurel to sing? Why would he want Laurel to sing? Laurel sings? God, I hope she includes her Rs when she does. I don’t think I could handle “Paht time lova” right now.

Turns out Laurel does, in fact, sing. And she sings unbelievably well. I was truly impressed. At this point she’s the perfect child. I don’t think she could possibly get more fantastic. I’m 28 years old and I want to be friends with her. Is that weird?

Cut to Mike telling us how fabulous Laurel is. How she’s so nice, and talented, and great. I think Mike might be in love with her. The reason I know I suspect this is because when I looked at my notes for this part I just wrote “Mike and Laurel sitting in a tree.” I know what you’re thinking: grow up McSteeny. I don’t blame you.

By the way, after hearing Laurel sing, I’m completely convinced that when this season is over she’s going to get signed onto television one way or another. We’re so not done seeing Laurel. She’s just too damn likeable.

The council gets together to decide who was the best performer and therefore will be the winner of the Gold Star. Dex starts bitching and moaning that he hates the huddle part. For one, he feels bad for Laurel, Zach and Guylan because Dex is convinced that Anjay has terribly bad breath. I have no idea why. Whenever I question him about it he just says he can tell.

Dex goes on to say that the huddle is not necessary to begin with, because the producers have obviously already decided who won, since cameras are already at the house when the parents get the phone call. Dex also claims that the unnecessarily close huddling is responsible for the spreading of the lip herpes. Normally I don’t agree with Dex, but he has a point here.

In the end, Kennedy wins. When Kennedy calls her Mom, it’s very emotional and sweet and they both cry. Sort of touching actually. Not Greg on top of Sophia with her tongue out touching, but touching nonetheless.

Tune in next time, when Greg tells Anjay he’s going to punch him in the face. Then we can all unite as one and hate Greg together. Until then gasmii.