Kid Nation: Can You Hear Me Now? Good.

This week in Kid Nation, we learn all about communication. For example, at one point Greg talks to DK and Blaine about how Laurel and Michael and Sophia were talking about Greg and Blaine and DK but really it sounded to me like Laurel and Michael and Sophia were really just talking about Greg, but DK and Blaine get mad anyway because the believe what Greg said when he told them that Michael Sophia and Laurel were taking about them, and meanwhile the whole time Sophia and Michael are mad that Greg was listening to them talk in the first place. See what I mean? Communication.

We open right where we left off last week. Time to find out which of the council members will be replaced. Well, I guess we’re cutting right to it this week, huh? No beating around the bush, just jump right in there. You’re right CBS, let’s get to the good stuff. Foreplay is for teenagers.

Each of the potential council members must give a campaign speech on their own behalf. I’m suprised by this, because that means these candidates didn’t get much time to prep this election. Last election Zach had time to practice his speech all day long. Oh well, I guess there’s something to be said about developing the ability to think on the fly. If no other skill is developed in Bonanza, some of these kids will certainly develop the art of self promotion, which is helpful. I can just hear the Mastercard commercial now: Plane tickets to Bonanza City, New Mexico: $300. Three lollipops at the Bonanza thrift store: 5 buffalo nickles. Learning to sell yourself on command: priceless.

Zach tells us that he feels like he’s progressed a lot through his time as a council member. Which is kinda funny to me because I haven’t seen a single change in him. Let’s review this: before he was on council Zach spent his time insulting the other Pioneers and yelling at Taylor. Whereas now, he mocks the Pioneers that cry, calls some of them stupid and yells at Taylor. I have news for you Zach. You make the Catholic Church look progressive.

After Zach is done progressing, Anjay’s takes some time to ask that the Pioneers “please give him another chance.” I think he even had his hands clasped together in begging position and everything. Is there anything more unattractive than desperate begging? I think not. Unless maybe he was just meditating, or doing yoga and was in prayer posture. Could go either way with that kid.

Then Guylan gets up and just says “please vote me off council.” I take back what I said before about begging being the most unattractive thing. Sheer pussiness is much much uglier.

Finally Laurel tells us that she thinks she’s doing a great job, and would like to stay on council. Honest and straight forward. I like it. But you’re still done honey. What also struck me is that despite how much Laurel enjoys her job, she spends an awful lot of time making this depressing face:

I love it here

Cue the voting and we discover the entire council has been replaced. When Blaine replaces Zach, Zach tells him, “this job sucks.” Which, again, is funny to me considering Zach’s campaign speech included the words “I love this job.” Oh Zach. Your progress is surpassed only by your consistency.

The new council consists of DK, Michael, Blaine and Greg. I call this the Variety Pack Council, because it reminds me of the cereal variety packs I always buy in the supermarket. The ones that come with a few different cereal boxes, most of which are good cereals but there’s always that one box you wish didn’t come in the pack; the one box you never eat, cause it just sucks as a cereal and you shake your head in the middle of aisle three every time you buy the pack, just wondering how such a shitty cereal managed to get itself included in the most ingenius cereal sale idea ever. Or maybe I’m alone here. Either way, that’s this council. And for me, Greg’s those God damn Cheerios. (Shaking head).

Incidentally, I do love them, but I’m convinced those Variety Packs represent the very reason why most men don’t want to settle down: Various appealing options leading to daily switching giving an overall sense that there’s no need for real loyalty. But I digress…

I start to wonder if it’s problematic that there are no longer any girls on the council, but I decide it’s fine, because three of the four council members have girl’s haircuts, so it sort of balances out.

The new trend for spring ladies: the unkept Pioneer look. Work it Blaine!

Laurel isn’t handling her replacement very well. It seems that unless she’s in power she doesn’t find Bonanza to be a very entertaining place. That’s a terrible philosophy Laurel. Who knew she had such control issues? I’m seeing new sides of Laurel recently. And me no likey.

On their first day as new council, the boys decide to play a communication game promoting respect and effective listening. Blaine comes up with the idea that each person will take a turn to speak and if anyone interrupts they have to start from the beginning with the first speaker again, until they can get through the whole town without interruption. Personally I think a quick game of “telephone” would have sufficed, but okay.

Not suprisingly, the communication game does not go over well. Probably because it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. If I ever hear Greg say, “I’m Greg, and I’m from Reno” again it will be too soon. I think if they were going to do it, the least they could have done was to make each person get up on stage and tell their deepest darkest secret. Then at least it would have been juicy.

In the Green bunks, a bunch of the Green district members are complaining about the game and about the council in general. They are all scared of Greg and Blaine both being on council at the same time. Producers tip Greg and Blaine off that their name is being dragged through the mud so Greg and Blaine go to eavesdrop. Uh oh. Nothing good comes from eavesdropping. Trust me, I do it all the time.

The shit-talking continues and Eric the chubby boy says that he’d rather see Greg sit in the middle of the street complimenting people than have Greg do work. What a coincidence chubby boy, I’d rather see you do work than compliment you. Look at that…it’s like circular reasoning or something.

Now, I don’t know if this was editing, but when this comment was made, it sounded to me like the chubby boy was just talking about wanting to see Greg sitting in the street complimenting people, but somehow when this information gets relayed to DK it’s suggested that chubby boy was talking about Greg, Blaine, and DK. Upon hearing this, DK loses his shit and the three of them decide that sitting in the middle of the street throwing out compliments is precisely what they’ll do.

In what is a moment just a tad less funny than Cody crying over his girlfriend’s letter, Greg, Blaine and DK sit on chairs and “compliment” the girls as they walk by. And by compliment I mean sexually harrass, construction worker style. I believe lines such as “Whoo hoo, Sophia I love those shorts” and suggestive whistling were even used. And I’m not sure why, but Blaine’s method of complimenting actually came in sort of a Latin American accent. As in “hey hohneey, you lukeeng gude.” Like he had his hand up Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s ass or something.

Those shorts are perfect. Perfect to poop on

Green district comes over to Greg, Blaine and DK to find out what in hell is going on, and the chubby boy actually says “I’d rather see you doing work than sitting in the street complimenting people.” Are you kidding me right now chubby boy? That has to be producer inspired, I can’t believe he’d really contradict himself on such a direct level, knowing we all heard what he just finished saying last night. You see those cameras Chubs? They’re actually rolling. If this was The Real World, they’d flashback in black and white to chubby boy making his “I’d rather see him sit in the street complimenting people” comment, just to remind us how inconsistent he’s being right now.

Is this bitch for real?

Although I have to say it is nice to see a bit of inconsistency in Chubs. Until now, all of his footage has been him consistently biting his nails.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Immediately the three council boys jump on chubs’ contradiction, and reveal that they heard everything. Arguing begins between council and green district, Michael reveals that he was intimidated at first, but now he’s not, and Greg sits around yelling “respect” over and over, and the rest was somewhat incoherent over all the bleeping. So much cursing this episode. Ever since Sophia let that first one out, the kids are on a roll.

Eventually Green leaves and goes to talk it out with each other and they realize that they are too concerned with their own district and not the town as a whole. Then someone says “united we stand divided we fall,” or “divide and conquer” or “every rose has its thorn” or “don’t cry over spilled milk” or something like that. I don’t even know anymore, I can’t keep up with all the clichés on this show at this point.

Eventually Michael meets with council and Greg apologizes for eavesdropping, and they all make up. Then they decide to unite as one and assert their authority by picking on a pioneer in unison.

Conveniently, Taylor is over in the kitchen and is back to her disobedient and lazy ways. She doesn’t want to work. I’ve decided this Taylor thing has to be somewhat scripted. And if she doesn’t want to do work why in the hell is she always hanging around the kitchen?

Just chatting with my friend, the stove

The council approach her and tell her that if she doesn’t do work she won’t get the reward. DK is loving his new authoritative role huh? It’s interesting that most of these kids wind up with some level of power trip issue once they’re elected to council. Now I feel bad for calling Mike a Nazi in the beginning.

It’s nice to see the council acting as one when handling the discipline around Bonanza, rather than only discipling their own districts. And I think threatening to withhold the reward is a good idea. It will never work, but it’s a good idea.

Taylor tells them that she doesn’t care because she’s going home anyway. Then she says some bullshit about how she promised Randi that if Randi couldn’t stick it out then Taylor wouldn’t stick it out either. Ah, the story telling continues. If Taylor really made this “promise” to Randi, wouldn’t Taylor have left with Randi last week? Ah haaaa! You see gasmii, not only am I world renound physician, I’m also a part time sleuth. It’s true. Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego told me so.

The boys buy Taylor’s story anyway, and DK tells her that instead of being an insenstive jerk he’ll give her the chance to go do some work right now and she’ll still be able to get the reward. When asked again if she will work Taylor replies, “No, not right now.” Should have gone with insensitive jerk, DK. It’s the only way to appeal to cute girls. (All the cute girls out there nod in regretful agreement).

Moments later we’re knee deep in pies and it’s showdown time! This week’s challenge is to move pies across the field using two of those grabber things the guys in the New York City bodegas use to take the toilet paper down from the top shelf for you. Then they have to send the pies to the council leader via a slide, and the council has to clean off the pies, revealing a pie tin labeled with a mode of communication. Then council has to put the pie tins into chronological order based on the date of invention.

Jared quote of the week regarding the challenge: “I was thinking, rush the pie, and eat it.”

Apparently Jared wasn’t the only one thinking this. Half-way though the challenge we see Emilie pausing from the challenge to enjoy some delicious chocolate cream pie. You know, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up. I mean, the chubby girl eating the pie instead of completing the challenge? How could I not….it’s like she wants me to….little children…cruelty….hell. Oh never mind.

I think Cartman is saying enough

The toughest part of the challenge is when the council has to put the forms of communication in order. I’m not gonna lie, I would have struggled a bit too. At one point Blaine got to the phonograph pie tin, looked at it, and said, “what the fuck is that?” Blaine, that is what we natives call a pie tin. Oh wait, that wasn’t his confusion was it? Anyway, it probably would have been easier for him to figure out what it was had he not called it a “Po-no-graph.” To his credit, when you read it like that it sounds more like some Ron Jeremy invented in the late 70s.

Cut to Zach telling us that Blaine is “moderately intelligent.” Zach, you continue to progress.
Then Blaine says “I don’t know a lot about electronical history.” Don’t worry Blainie. So long as you talk english good, that be all that matters.

In the end they all get the order right and finally win a reward. This week’s option is pony express or letters from home. Of course they choose the letters. Immediately I’m thinking, oh man, are they going to keep Taylor’s letter from her? It would certainly teach her a lesson, but no way. Of course they save Taylor for last and then tell her that as long as she promises to do work from now on, she can have her letter. Are they serious? Taylor’s word is not exactly reliable. She gives an insincere “I promise” and they hand her the letter. Then they tell her they believe in her and that she’s a good girl.

Cut to Taylor reading her letter:
(dramatic reinactment)

Dear Teylor:

Hope yer havin’ fuun in Bonanza. Make sure you practice yer turns, and brush yer haair ery day. Member- fifty toms awn the rot, and fifty toms awn the laugh. And no madder what dem boys tell you, you don’ left a finger now, y’hear me? Beauty queens don’t clean.

Almost forgot… I got a hold a that Larry Rudolph, who managed Britney Spears, and he says he’s gone take us right to the top!

Gotta go now, baby girl. Yer Daaaddy’s takin me a buy a new dee-signer puurrrse!

Love,
Mama

P.S. Deal with it

All the kids get their letters and they all wind up crying. Not that I blame them, I’m sure it’s very emotional, especially at that age. The craziest part to me though was when Hunter got his letter. Did anyone else notice the caption under the picture from his little brother? It said : “Me and Hunter playing nerf guns.” With a very violent picture underneath. What a bunch of loony confederate hicks Hunter’s family members are. I wonder what the producers did with the other picture sent to Hunter by his little brother. You know, the one with the caption, “Me and Hunter playing nerf slave trade.”

Dang, I miss that game

Greg gets his letter, which is not so uplifting. His parents tell him that his cousin’s been shipped to Iraq. We don’t know what else there is to the letter but I’d imagine the rest of it went a little something like this:

“I know you’re there to have fun, learn a lot and rebuild the city, but we figured we’d let you know that the bank foreclosed on the house, and you’re going to have to quit school and work full time at the butcher when you get back. Also, your Mom and I are getting a divorce. It’s mostly your fault.

Come home soon!

Love,
Dad

P.S. The dog died.

Zach’s parents send him an inspirational, albeit inaccurate message. Their message is that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall down, what matters is how many times you get back up. Nice thought, however what actually matters is that after you get up, you avoid getting thrown out of the bar.

Time for the town meeting. No one wants to go home, but everyone wants to complain about Greg. Greg does his typical Greg act, defending himself, while claiming to not be defending himself, and raising his voice. This is called “tough love” in Greg’s world. Which is odd, because in my world, it’s called being a douchebag.

Eventually Greg says that if 50% of the people want him to go home he will go. But he says it in such a threatening way it’s as if his eyes are saying, “go ahead, raise your hand and see what happens, I dare you.” No one raises their hand of course, even though most of them probably want to, and finally Colton somehow gets left with the job of telling Greg they just want him to change.

I started thinking to myself, “now Colton sits back down onto the pants he just soiled having to speak to Greg like that,” but then I remembered that time Colton stared down a bull. So he probably didn’t shit his pants. He probably just pee peed himself a little.

Some of the Pioneers do stand up to Greg, which is nice to see. Eventually Greg says that he can see where they are coming from and that he will start to work on it. I think Greg and Taylor should get together after this show and start a rehab facility called Broken Promises. And invite Brad Pitt to come.

Gold star time comes without us being allowed to see the council debate the possible options, so it’s all a mystery this week. They choose Laurel, which is really a good move, even though she kind of sucks lately. I’m briefly happy until I remember that she gets to go call her parents up in Boston. Oh God, kill me.

As Laurel is running towards the phone booth, we hear her say this is going to be the greatest phone call of her life, which is ironic because everybody knows parents’ accents are always more dramatic than childrens’ which means that contrary to Laurel’s sentiment, this is going to be the worst phone conversation of my life.

As expected, Laurel’s mother sounds like they’re filming her from right inside Fenway Park. Which I’m still convinced is possible because they never showed the inside of the house, all they showed was her sitting on what appears to be a couch but could easily be the right field bleachers with a blanket over it. Anyway, the Rs are nowhere to be found, and the Ahs are appalling. The govenment should use this as a terrorist torture devise.

And the twenty thousand dawla gold stah smells just like the living room grass mawm

Next week we’re in for some real trouble as the kids are forced to go to school. It’s practically 35 days in, do we really think a week worth of school is necessary at this point? After all, Blaine’s English is clearly in tip top shape, and Emilie has got home-economics well covered.

Now, where can I get some more of that pie…

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Gasmii! Until next time…