CBS has announced their newest series, Kid Nation. 40 children of various ages will be left parentless in a vacant town in New Mexico. Asked to create their own society, the children will be free from any parental supervision whatsoever, and will be left to care for themselves. In a related story, Sean and Jayden Federline were reported missing earlier today, having been last seen hitchhiking on the Pacific Coast highway holding a sign reading, “To New Mexico. Please?”
Oh God. Please tell me we’re heading east.
When I was first presented with the opportunity to write about Kid Nation, it was before promotions for the show started running or the media began mentioning it. It was vaguely described to me that “they put 40 kids in a town alone, and tell them to build a society.” Are you serious? HOLY LORD OF THE FLIES, they’re gonna kill Piggy! Somebody save Piggy!
Get your own Water Noodle dipshit
Before long the show was riddled with controversy. One child has burns, another hurt his ankle, the parents are being sued for child abuse…the controversies continued. It was right then that I realized, good idea or bad idea, good show or bad show, people are going to want to see this and people are going to want to talk about it. I’m in. Fast forward a few weeks later and I catch a promo right in the middle of Big Brother 8. What the hell?…why in the world am I getting misty eyed at this promo? Do I detect touching and inspiring moments? Restored faith in our youth? Oh this is gonna be good.
One problem: What about the not so inspiring moments? How the hell am I gonna get away with making fun of little kids? Do I simply attack only the mean bullies? Avoid picking on superficial details such as outdated clothes and poor haircuts? Divert the insulting from the children themselves onto their “neglectful stage-parents?” Or do I say fuck it, and just do a verbally bashing free- for-all, holding nothing back whatsoever. Would I be writing what everyone is thinking and no one wants to actually say? Would I be risking the second half of my rookie season at the gasm in the name of free speech? Am I actually going to sit there judging innocent children? How could I? I love children. I really do. Who mocks an 8 year old? That’s the kind of shit that people deservedly get death threats over.
Granted his actions were disgusting and reached far beyond pure mockery, so it’s much more extreme, but take Michael Vick for example. Michael Vick picked on puppies and honest to God that bitch is safer in jail, because I’ve heard people talking and people sincerely want to murder him. If I pick on little kids, the world’s gonna think I’m a monster. Two weeks in, two rounds of picking on little Johnny’s weight and I guarantee you boxes of Pampers with my face on the diapers are gonna outsell Michael Vick doggie chew toys.
I was faced with my first gasm dilemma: Stick to friendly, family appropriate (albeit potentially boring) commentary, ignoring the things that might bother me about the kids but at least maintaining some level of decency; or risk my reputation and just say what’s on my mind, even if that means saying things that are not so nice; all the while knowing that when it comes down to it, I’m mocking children. Publicly. Talk about a pickle.
So I did what any wise woman in my position would do. I left it in the hands of fate. I flipped a coin. Heads: I play it safe and keep the commentary to brief descriptions and subtle reactions, or tails: the kids become my prey and Dr. McSteeny is the most vicious thing to hit the gasm since that set of comments to Ting Lee’s first The Hills Recap. (wow, you guys were brutal). Six or seven tumblesaults later George Washington had reached his decision: The Evil Dr. McSteeny-1; Gentle Kid Nation- 0. Sorry kiddies, the Gods have spoken. Oh this is gonna be good. I’m not a monster, I swear I’m not. But we’re all here to have a little fun right? Right. Now let the child abuse begin… Let’s meet some of the “Pioneers” shall we?
There is no possible way to get through all 40 Pioneers in one precap. So I’ve selected who I think will be the most influential in the series; get the most camera time so to speak. I could be totally wrong. I’m just predicting here. Take it easy on me.
First there’s Alex.
Alex is either from Reno, a labratory, or outerspace. I say this because from what I can tell so far, Alex is a nine year old with the brains and speech of a 40 year old scientist. Alex has been quoted as saying, “I’m not sure what I’d like to be when I grow up, but I currently think that it would be interesting to be a linguist, a geography teacher, and/or a chemist.” Alex, I have news for you: You ARE grown up. And trust me, you should be a politician or an attorney, because verbally, you commit to nothing. Now please, for your own sake, go throw a frisbee, and/or a baseball.
Next there’s Michael.
Michael is 14 and is from Monroe, Washington. I can’t say too much more, because I don’t want to give anything away. But I’ve seen extensive previews. Trust me on this one. Keep an eye out for Michael. He’s a pioneer favorite.
Allow me to introduce you to Anjay:
Anjay is 12, and from Perland, Texas. His hero is Mahatma Ghandi. Look for Anjay to be the first to boycott the Easy Mac.
And now Kennedy. Ah, Kennedy:
Kennedy is 12 and from Ashland Kentucky. In addition to being quite humble (cough), Kennedy reads to inmates’ children, started an organization called Break the Cycle, and is the self-declared “highest ranked tennis player in Kentucky, the South, and the Nation.” I don’t know how to put this any more delicately, but I’m not quite certain whether it’s boy’s tennis or girl’s tennis. The name Kennedy is no help. It’s taking every ounce of decency in me to not have already given it the nickname “Pat.”
Greg is 15 and from Reno, Nevada. Right off the bat I have to imagine Greg’s the heart-throb. He’s the oldest boy, and he’s got that confident look to him. His bio says his mom is his idol, so it appears he’s also senstive. I’ve nominated Greg most likely to get ass on a tractor, and to vote in favor of mixed gender lodging.
Next there’s Randi:
Randi is 11 and from Sparks, Nevada, and believes that no one over 65 should be allowed to smoke. Apparently the remaining non-senior citizen world is free to slowly kill themselves. They just have to stop the gradual suicide at 65. Good news is they can still drive after 65, so the opportunity to kill others still exists. Which is nice.
Pharoah is 12 and is from Philidelphia. If Pharoah could make one law it would be to have more police officers in school, and to ban discrimination. That sounds like two laws, but who’s counting? From the sound of it, his day to day life includes racial slurs, gang fights, and sneaker stealing. Pharoah deserves to make two rules if he wants to. I’m sincerely sad for Pharoah. I hope filming this show somehow lead to a deal in the business and he never has to go back to Philie again. Ever.
Savannah is 10 and is from Partridge, Kentucky. Savannah wants to be either a lawyer or a zookeeper when she grows up. Savannah, honey, I’m a lawer.. take my word on this one. It’s the same job. Either way, you’re surrounded by animals. Be a zookeeper. No billable hour requirement.
Taylor is 10 and from Sylvester, GA. Taylor refers to herself as a beauty queen. I’ve seen a preview that included her saying something about beauty queens not cleaning, or something along those lines. I have a feeling Taylor will be the butt of many of my jokes. But I will probably secretly love her.
Sophia is 12 and from Winter Park, Florida. In elementary school, Sophia began a non-violent protest to have the school closed for President’s Day and was successful. She also founded a club for Jewish students in middle school, where they only had a social organization for Christian students. Sophia takes no shit. I get the feeling if Sophia and Anjay get too close they may die of malnutrician. But the good news is that before they starve there will be a very well organized Pioneers club and at least three Monday’s off. So there’s that.
Migle is 13 and from Downers, Ga. How pretty, right? Much like Greg, she also publicly adores her mother. UHHHH OOOOOOH. Do I sense a showmance in the making??? I think I miiiiiiight. See tractor prediction above.
Jimmy is 8 and is from Salem, N.H. Again, no secrets revealed, but suffice it to say that Jimmy was the first Pioneer to make me cry. Talk about a heart string tugger.
Jasmine is 11 and is from Atlanta. She is quoted as saying: “When I grow up I would like to have my own television show.” From the look of that pose, I’d say she just might get one. This girl’s already a star.
Speaking of poses, let’s meet Leila:
Leila is 9 and is from Charlotte, N.C. Leila says “I have been doing beauty pageants since I was a baby. I usually do about 15-20 pageants a year. Look for her parents to invade the town so they can stand next to the cameras mouthing everything Leila says along with her, and attempting to get her to do choreography.
Guyland is 11 and is from Upton, Mass. He says his goals are “to stop global warming; to seek out new life and civilizations and to boldly go were no man has gone before. Like to Guy-Land for example. Or into Jodie Foster’s pants.
So that’s it. At least for now. Starting September 19th we’ll discover the rest of the Pioneers, realize that children are smarter than all of us, and hopefully begin to enjoy what I think is going to be a spectacular show. I just hope these kids’ parents don’t read this site. If they do, don’t blame me Mom and Dad. Blame George Washington.
Hope to see you there gasmii!