When I was growing up the scariest movie to me was The Shining. I still don’t get the ending, but I am to this day creeped out by it. It is very nearly the perfect scary movie. Well, if The Shining was Schwarzenegger in Twins, then The Scorned is its Danny DeVito. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, after weeks of waiting, the people of Kill Reality have finally followed through on their
promise threat, and released the steaming monkey turd that is The Scorned. This is the so-called Ã¢â‚¬Å“movieÃ¢â‚¬? they were using as an excuse to have reality show contestants live in a house, drink and hurl their own bodily fluids at each other. So how was it? The best way I can describe it is that it was like watching a really bad porno with all the sex scenes cut out and the whole thing was edited by The Real World’s Nehemiah. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just a horrible film from top to bottom. The acting, the writing, the lighting, the sets, the wardrobe. All terrible. Even Ryan Copeland, the gaffer, sucked ass. I did a student film with a camcorder in 7th grade that had better production values (and my craft services table was top notch too). No, there wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t a redeeming thing about this film, but I still saw all of it. Why? Because I care about you, the TVgasm reader, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s why. I want to make sure people like katieshole, America’s Next Top Fan and callygirl are spared this travesty and can instead spend an hour and a half reading a book, helping the needy, or buying TVgasm merchandise (Save Kaysar buttons still available). And you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have to thank me, people. Just pay it forwardÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.I mean itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s actually quite an achievement when you look at it. I mean literally every aspect of the film is sub par. I remember after I saw Van Helsing I said too myself “Well, at least the special effects were cool.” The Scorned special effects are on about the same level as the Land of the Lost. Even the supposed glib “inside jokes” lines are stupid, like Reichen saying “You know I don’t have good gaydar!” Get it! Cuz he’s actually gay in real life! HAR! HAR! These are the kinds of jokes you expect from a Bob Hope special from 1988. Actually I take that back. I don’t want to insult Bob Hope. It’s like watching an episode of My Two Dads. That’s right, Greg Evigan is funnier. I said it.
Of course my opinions are based entirely on the TV version. And from what I hear, the 2 disc special edition DVD has lots of gratuitous T & A and some crazy “girls gone wild” extras. I may just order it using the TVgasm slush fund for, you know, professional reasons. And of course, as much as I rip on this film for the pile o’ crap that it is, they did get picked up for a second season. Never underestimate the value of people sh*tting on other people.
Sadly, if you expect me to actually “recap” the film than I’m afraid you are out of luck. It took all my energy just to watch the damn thing. And besides, a recap really isn’t necessary. It’s a one note movie. Woman is killed in a jealous rage by her husband and then haunts the house she died in. A house that just happens to have a weekend party full of reality show stars who get killed off one by one. There, done. And oh yeah, Ethan from Survivor plays a crazy guy, or something. The real beauty of this film isn’t the plot, it’s watching the “actors” and trying to guess which ones are drunk, high or coked out, or a possible combination of the three. Kind of like an old SNL repeat only without the funny.
So without further ado, enjoy the visual tapestry that is…. The Scorned.
Don’t worry, Reichen. Just close your eyes and think of Clay
Tonya getting a Roman shower, since Trishelle cornered the market on the golden variety
The “Ghost Shocker”
The day the crew discovered the camcorder had a “Luminence Key” button
She calls this look her “Streep”
Mix one part Rainman and one part Yahoo Serious
A topless Trishelle eating a Reeses. I don’t get it either
Who’s up for a Gyro?!