And the Emmy for Outstanding Made for Television Movie Goes toÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.

Kill Reality

By EdHIll | Tuesday, November 1, 2005 | 9:06 pm | 28 Comments

When I was growing up the scariest movie to me was The Shining. I still don’t get the ending, but I am to this day creeped out by it. It is very nearly the perfect scary movie. Well, if The Shining was Schwarzenegger in Twins, then The Scorned is its Danny DeVito. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, after weeks of waiting, the people of Kill Reality have finally followed through on their ~~promise~~ threat, and released the steaming monkey turd that is The Scorned. This is the so-called Ã¢â‚¬Å“movieÃ¢â‚¬? they were using as an excuse to have reality show contestants live in a house, drink and hurl their own bodily fluids at each other. So how was it? The best way I can describe it is that it was like watching a really bad porno with all the sex scenes cut out and the whole thing was edited by The Real World’s Nehemiah. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just a horrible film from top to bottom. The acting, the writing, the lighting, the sets, the wardrobe. All terrible. Even Ryan Copeland, the gaffer, sucked ass. I did a student film with a camcorder in 7th grade that had better production values (and my craft services table was top notch too). No, there wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t a redeeming thing about this film, but I still saw all of it. Why? Because I care about you, the TVgasm reader, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s why. I want to make sure people like katieshole, America’s Next Top Fan and callygirl are spared this travesty and can instead spend an hour and a half reading a book, helping the needy, or buying TVgasm merchandise (Save Kaysar buttons still available). And you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have to thank me, people. Just pay it forwardÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.I mean itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s actually quite an achievement when you look at it. I mean literally every aspect of the film is sub par. I remember after I saw Van Helsing I said too myself “Well, at least the special effects were cool.” The Scorned special effects are on about the same level as the Land of the Lost. Even the supposed glib “inside jokes” lines are stupid, like Reichen saying “You know I don’t have good gaydar!” Get it! Cuz he’s actually gay in real life! HAR! HAR! These are the kinds of jokes you expect from a Bob Hope special from 1988. Actually I take that back. I don’t want to insult Bob Hope. It’s like watching an episode of My Two Dads. That’s right, Greg Evigan is funnier. I said it.

Of course my opinions are based entirely on the TV version. And from what I hear, the 2 disc special edition DVD has lots of gratuitous T & A and some crazy “girls gone wild” extras. I may just order it using the TVgasm slush fund for, you know, professional reasons. And of course, as much as I rip on this film for the pile o’ crap that it is, they did get picked up for a second season. Never underestimate the value of people sh*tting on other people.

Sadly, if you expect me to actually “recap” the film than I’m afraid you are out of luck. It took all my energy just to watch the damn thing. And besides, a recap really isn’t necessary. It’s a one note movie. Woman is killed in a jealous rage by her husband and then haunts the house she died in. A house that just happens to have a weekend party full of reality show stars who get killed off one by one. There, done. And oh yeah, Ethan from Survivor plays a crazy guy, or something. The real beauty of this film isn’t the plot, it’s watching the “actors” and trying to guess which ones are drunk, high or coked out, or a possible combination of the three. Kind of like an old SNL repeat only without the funny.

So without further ado, enjoy the visual tapestry that is…. The Scorned.

Don’t worry, Reichen. Just close your eyes and think of Clay

Tonya getting a Roman shower, since Trishelle cornered the market on the golden variety

The “Ghost Shocker”

The day the crew discovered the camcorder had a “Luminence Key” button

She calls this look her “Streep”

Mix one part Rainman and one part Yahoo Serious

A topless Trishelle eating a Reeses. I don’t get it either

Who’s up for a Gyro?!

Told ya

Comments (28)
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28 Comments

1

J-Unit

Posted November 1, 2005 at 9:28 pm

Mix one part Rainman and one part Yahoo Serious

Unfucking believable.

EdHill == genius.
2

Dana

Posted November 1, 2005 at 10:59 pm

I agree. Although I love Ethan, you couldn’t pay me enough money to watch this film. Thanks for taking one for the team EdHill.
3

Lisa

Posted November 2, 2005 at 12:36 am

Wow.. just hearing that it has reality show “stars” on it and the lame plot. Good lord.. who would actually think this was going to be good?
4

Lizardqueen

Posted November 2, 2005 at 5:09 am

EdHill=closing in on B-Side for my love and affection. I thought Ethan was cool? Was I sadly mistaken? Wasn’t the PETA nudism enough already? I expect this sort of thing from Trashelle and Johnny Fecalplay, but sweet, fluffy, bunny hugger Ethan?
5

katieshole

Posted November 2, 2005 at 7:21 am

Thanks for the mention edhill, you’re a doll…

On to my thoughts of this film, yes I did watch it all, and laughed most of the way through, it was better than any sitcom I’ve seen. Here’s some inital thoughts:

-In order to get this role, I suspect that Jenna Lewis had to blow Rob Cesterino at least 30 times. Probably on “secret cam” too, and it will be released on the DVD.

-The story made zero sense, not that I was looking for any real story telling here. The way I saw it, the Reina character wasn’t dead until the end, so who was doing all this haunting and killing? Her spirit was supposed to be in some sort of wacked out psycho chick limbo? I think it was Tonya and TreSluts various veneral diseases doing the killing. Confusing!

-Reichen has a barb wire/tribal tatto above his ass. Saw it in the shower scene, made the movie worth watching. I’m sure Clay got a close up view. Bitch.

-I did like watching Rob throw up on Jenna Lewis (I think it was her, or one of those other skanks)

-Why did the spirit kill Jenna Morascua in the ditch?

-I loved the very dramatic and fascinating scene of TreSlut fighting with a white sheet. Hysterical. Looks like in the sequel TreSlut may get a key role. Maybe she was blowing Cesterino too.

-I did enjoy the ragged out Tonya death scene…killed by a possessed lava lamp. Truly inspired!

-I still do not know why no one on the reality show never mention Jenna the whore Lewis’s desperate porn video, ‘leaked’ to the internet…haha!

-I hate Rob Guiney. He’s freakish looking and quite annoying.
6

Bill Thompson

Posted November 2, 2005 at 7:35 am

Clay Aiken? Why the hell is that in there?
7

gatahbaby

Posted November 2, 2005 at 7:37 am

Oh Ed!

Like soft core porn with the porn cut out…How true! Also…I think soft core porn actors are actually better put together looks-wise. I can’t believe I am saying that since those sofco porn actors are usually a step below the crowd I used to see hangin’ out around Show World on 42nd st.

Did they make up most of their dialog? Curb Your Enthusiasm this is not…

Also, you should mention how many times they showed that whole opening sequence when she “dies” (not?) I only watched a few minutes but still managed to see it 3 times.

And it still did not make any sense. “Wait! Stop! IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m sorry! (bitch slap)” ??!!
8

EdHill

Posted November 2, 2005 at 8:00 am

There were entire sequences that made absolutly no sense. Why is she killing these people? I dont know. How is she doing it if shes not actually dead? ya got me. the fact taht they figured out how to take the lesns cap off before filming is an acheivement with these people.

THE best was when she woke up from her coma and walked out, the police put crime scene tape around her bed.

Reichens acting was so horrifyingly bad It transfixed me. all his “no one will hire me cuz im gay” references in the KR show are know that much funnier.

if jonny fairplay was in like 12 minutes of the movie why was he always at the stupid house on KR?

god I need to do a whole other posts just with video clips o the best bad acting moments.
9

Eyeroller

Posted November 2, 2005 at 8:26 am

My favorite moment–when Jonathan and Victoria from Amazing Race were on the beach and their names were Colin and Christy.

Sorry, I need to find a 12 step reality show group.
10

copygodd

Posted November 2, 2005 at 8:27 am

wait a second…we have a slush fund?

how’d i miss that memo?
11

Emily

Posted November 2, 2005 at 8:45 am

I don’t know how you managed to sit through that whole “movie”. I saw about 5 minutes and that was all I could take. You are very dedicated!! Thanks Ed Hill!
12

Tiffany

Posted November 2, 2005 at 9:09 am

EdHill-you are my favorite and I’m sorry you had to watch this.
13

madeyoulaugh

Posted November 2, 2005 at 9:16 am

I most appreaciated the realism in calling Bachelor Bobs death a suicide.

I read somewhere that most murder suicides involve stabbing ones self in the back with a fire poker hard enough to expose ones latex heart. Tragic really.

MYL
14

Gatahbaby

Posted November 2, 2005 at 9:26 am

Wait…She wakes up, gets out of bed and walks OUT??!!? Oh no! Now I might actually have to watch this.

I thought all of Johnny’s acts looked “funny” (made up) Now I know they must have been. Why was he in the house for so long when he had like three scenes?! He is obviously a homeless man just taking advantage.

“Johnny, here’s a fiver for a forty…now get the hell off my stoop!”
15

smithie

Posted November 2, 2005 at 11:12 am

I am more disturbed by your use of “roman shower” than anything that was in this movie…
16

katieshole

Posted November 2, 2005 at 11:26 am

Edhill..we need to discuss this movie over a bottle of tres generciones tequila and a big fat lime!

I think she was killing these people because she was scorned in her relationship with the former fatty Bob Guiney-Fag. She would kill other ‘cheaters’ in the house. All of the losers that got killed admitted to screwing someone else. For example, even though Reichen was faithful to the diseased Tonya, he screwed that Erika big brother slut, for cash. Next scene, he’s dead…

I know, dumb, especially since Reina (Bachelor Trish also knows as Jonny Fairplays toilet seat)wasn’t dead.

I did like the TreSlut and Jenna slap fest scene at the restaurant. I’d like to slap those 2 filty, disgusting diseased HO’s myself!

KH

ps – the surfing scenes were really cheesy too. And why was Toni complaining endlessly in the KR show? I know she’s wacked out of her mind, but she had like 2 lines.
17

Genevieve

Posted November 2, 2005 at 12:00 pm

Hey! I watched My Two Dads!!! Giovanni Ribisi was in it and I thought he was quite cute.

I gotta see that movie on a rerun. Looks so bad it might be enjoyable.
18

Bill Thompson

Posted November 2, 2005 at 12:08 pm

Great job as usual Ed!! And why did Jenna Lewis complain about nudes scenes on KR when the movie was on E?
19

Laurie

Posted November 2, 2005 at 12:12 pm

Wow. You wasted 2 hours of your life on this just to spare us the pain of it. You ROCK.
20

Tootie

Posted November 2, 2005 at 2:12 pm

Ok, I watched it too. I know it’s insane to try to figure out the plot, but I just need some help. Ethan’s crazy guy…what exactly was his relation to Reina? What the hell was he doing at the hospital?

Also, that whole lava thing looked more like they were dying from burning poo smears.

And why was Stacie J always wearing outfits worn by extras from The Prince of Bel Air circa 1987?
21

amber

Posted November 2, 2005 at 4:41 pm

Umm…I feel embarassed because I actually wanted to see this piece of trash and missed it.
22

ATCmurph

Posted November 2, 2005 at 7:55 pm

I’m embarrassed to say that I, too, watched this movie. I was in my bedroom hiding from trick or treaters and nothing else was on. I just kept checking the listings for a possible rerun of “Who’s the Boss” or something. What a worthless piece of tripe. The story was terrible, the acting was terrible, but on the bright side, at least the editing sucked.

Oh, and I have a lava lamp in my living room and now I’m afraid of it. Thanks for nothing, reality “stars.”
23

ATCmurph

Posted November 2, 2005 at 7:59 pm

And by the way, just who in the hell does Johnny “Fairplay” think he is? Seriously. I cannot put into words how much I hate that idiot. He’s lucky we’ll never cross paths because I’d like to kick him square in the nuts.
24

Dana

Posted November 2, 2005 at 10:42 pm

there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but there’s something so wrong with a Reichen/Clay Aiken coupling. It’s just EW.
25

me

Posted November 3, 2005 at 9:45 am

EdHill- why didnt you call me back? After that special night we had together. Please call me- you know who I am.
26

Carolyn

Posted November 4, 2005 at 1:33 pm

What a piece of cinematic gold. As an avid fan of “Kill Reality” I am (slightly) ashamed to say that I was actually looking forward to watching this film. I refer to this phenomenon as The Gigli Effect. Movies so bad you just can’t help but watch (See also: Glitter, Joe Dirt, any film with Ashton Kutcher, et al.). When does season two start?
27

Kim

Posted November 4, 2005 at 6:45 pm

My. thoughts. exactly.
28

ldini79

Posted November 4, 2005 at 11:36 pm

hehe i thought this movie was hilarious. i think trish’s character was feeling scorned cause no one seemed to know if her name was supposed to be pronounced raina or reena. i think bob guiney looked like he was laughing through half of his scenes, he and steven hill are the worst “actors” ever. the special effects are what made it all worth it though, i was cracking up during tonya and reichen’s death scene.