Shtick It To Me!

By EdHill

We start this week of Kill Reality where we left off last week — where we leave off every week actually — with our drunk, coked-up reality stars screaming and throwing garbage on the walls. Imagine a Cops episode only without any actual Cops. Jonny Fairplay starts the show on another fake rampage, running throughout the house in the early morning screaming at the top of his lungs. What do we learn from this? That practically no one bats an eye because everyone is so used to this stuff, and that Trishelle wears her weird Gandalf hat to bed with her.But the screaming isn’t all Jonny’s got in store for us. In keeping with his cheap WWE tactics, he then goes into the bathroom where Jenna is cleaning up the remains of Tonya’s oatmeal bath. And the huge clumps of white stuff she is cleaning from the tub are either leftover oatmeal or years’ worth of dried-up semen that have ossified all over Tonya’s body. You make the call. Jonny flings the white substance all over the walls, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs, then goes over and smears it on Trish from The Bachelor‘s bed. Why Trish’s bed, you ask? Trish is notorious in this house for being the one that doesn’t have the same “sense of humor” as the other castmates. That’s right, for some reason, she doesn’t think hurling food on a wall while binge drinking at 6 am is funny. But it seems even Jenna from Survivor isn’t too thrilled with Fairplay’s behavior. “I don’t get how destructive behavior is fun for 30-year-old people,” she says. And remember, this is the porn star talking.
 
As for Trish, she is off shooting a scene for the movie. Yeah, in case you forgot, since they spend about 5 minutes per episode on it, they are still filming this ridiculous movie. Trish is playing a ghost and the scene requires her to lay down in a fountain of freezing cold water and float like an, um, ghost in water, or something. Who knows. She is complaining about it of course. Rob C, our resident dork “producer,” doesn’t like her attitude. He even says that Trish’s “biggest mistake is to align herself against me.” I wonder if Rob C. is aware that he’s no longer on Survivor. I mean, maybe he hit his head when he was on the island and is now convinced the whole world is one big Survivor game. I bet he can’t take a dump until he hears Jeff Probst say “Survivors ready…..GO!”
 
Later that night, after a long 2-hour day of filming the fake movie, it’s time to unwind at the cast house again. This time they are gonna play a game. Since Tonya’s gone, the “who can snort the most coke off my vulva” game is out of the question; so Jonny comes up with another game called “Why and Because.” The object of this game is to simply anonymously write down offensive things about other people in the room in the form of a question and answer. I guess Chutes and Ladders doesn’t have enough “bite” for them. Adding one more example of how low this show has gotten –and remember, they were flinging human excrement last episode — they show us the following “Why and Because.” We even get to see them show it subtitled on-screen in their weird Gilligan-like font (Bob Denver RIP. Always in our hearts):
 
Why did the AD tell me she thinks Trish is easy? 
“Because Fairplay snorted his stunt double.”
 
Yeah, drug jokes! Using cocaine is FUNNY! And even better, drug jokes that don’t make sense! Hahaha! And a special thank you to E! for making sure that showing people laughing and joking about using cocaine got on the air. Good job! Can’t wait for the “E!’s 100 Funniest Hurricane Katrina Jokes” special, to be co-hosted by A.J. Benza and Barbara Bush. But the biggest “joke” is saved for last.   ”Why is Trish the most annoying elitist snobby princess **** on the planet?” Keep in mind that this is the show that thought “f**king f*gg*t” was a good example of responsible censoring, so if they have to censor out the whole word, you know it isn’t something quaint like “b*tch.” Nope, it was in fact, the C-word. The one that rhymes with runt. Trish doesn’t take this in the spirit in which it was given and storms upstairs (Actually come to think of it, she does take it in the spirit in which it was given). She thinks that crossed a line. I actually thought it crossed a line before when they were all joking about hardcore drug abuse, but why quibble?

After Trish storms off to her room, Producer Rob C. is upset at everyone. “You totally made a mess tonight that I’m going to have to clean up tomorrow,” he chides Survivor Jenna Lewis. He then goes off to Trish’s room, and we hear him in the voiceover say ”To make Trish feel better about me, I went in for a heart to heart.” Every show needs its creepy dweeb.  We have Rob C., and the “one on one” turns into an obvious attempt by him to get into Trish’s pants. Only he’s really, really bad at it. He keeps going in for hugs thinking that that would somehow generate the “spark” that would make him irresistible to her. What we get instead is the awkward end of a bad date hug where all you want to do is go inside and have a good cry, eat a pint of Hagan Daaz and watch Desperate Housewives. Sigh, I’ve had so many of those… After Rob C.’s pathetic display in Trish’s bedroom, Survivor Jenna pops out of her room and tells Rob that “if you think writing that so you can go comfort Trish is gonna get you into her pants than f*** off.” Of course we all know he did it because they show him in an interview admitting that he was the one who did it, C-word and all. Man he is such an L-word. And it rhymes with chooser.
 
Since we are at the 20 minute mark, it’s time to get a new reality show slu— ahem, star in the house. And the winner is…. Nikki McKibbin from American Idol! As an aside, did any of you know that Nikki McKibbin and bug-eyed Toni Ferrari are in fact sisters? Yes, it’s true. And the fact that I am actually aware of this fact makes me feel pretty pathetic, I gotta tell you. As Nikki is given a tour of the cast house/crack den we soon realize that Nikki and the house have a lot in common. They both look like crap.   

“I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.”

Meanwhile, the other cast members have decided to go out to dinner at a local restaurant. It is here that Rob C. decides to do even further damage control since it’s now common knowledge that he just called one of his cast mates the C-word in front of everyone. It’s quite the pathetic sight. “I guess I didn’t realize how offensive that word is to some women.” Really Rob? So then you wouldn’t mind if I called your mom a cu– Man even I can’t do it. I can’t even type it. Everyone knows that that word is the one thing that is off-limits at all times. It’s like kryptonite to women. “I’m fine with working on this project, but don’t expect me to give you a hug at the end of this,” says Trish. “I am not a hug kind of guy” responds Rob C. Then E! immediately cuts to one of his 2 hugs at Trish from the night before. Well played, E!. That was almost CBS quality editing. His speech isn’t working, so he tries the “coy” card, which is just even more sad than before. “Most women can’t stay mad at me,” Rob says. Awwww. Well from my experience, most men can’t keep from wanting to punch your annoying face.  ”I’m not like most women.” says Trish. Man, why is she being such a bitch to him? Oh wait, that’s right, its because he called her a c–t in front of everyone. Carry on…
 
This is a stressful time for Trish as the next thing we see is her filming her big death scene. It’s the one where she has to cry and everything. Uh oh, that requires acting ability! I smell trouble. She starts to rewrite her lines willy nilly, changing a word here and a word there, and it’s soon obvious the woman can’t act. Don’t believe me? Check out her “sad” face:

“Acting!”

On the other side of the house it’s time for a big party scene. Only this one’s for the movie, so it will involve less bodily fluids and illegal substances. The voiceover announces that tonight we are being visited by Gervase from Survivor (the first true reality whore), Jess Harnel from Drawn Together and Tian from Amazing Race. The funny part about that was they said it like the viewers should automatically know exactly who these people are. OK, I can see how some people would known Gervase, the man who made the “lazy black guy” stereotype a staple on Survivor. But Tian from Amazing Race? Jess Harnel from Drawn Together? The fact that I have no idea who these people are makes me feel better about the earlier Toni/Nikki trivia incident.

Nikki is thrilled because in this scene she gets to sing with Jess on one of his original songs. And it’s quite a show. Something actually more sucky than the movie they’re making. Congrats. But then I thought to myself, who is Jess Harnel? Was Drawn Together some music reality show I’m not aware of? So I do a quick IMDB search and the answer is even funnier than I imagined. Drawn Together is a cartoon reality show parody, and Jess did a cartoon voice for it. In fact, that is all that Jess does. Cartoon voices. Oh yeah, he is also the announcer for America’s Funniest Home Videos. This is the man Nikki is “thrilled” to be singing with. This will go down in history, all right. Frank and Dino, McCartney and Lennon, and Nikki McKibbin and the guy who did the voice of Gopher #2 in an episode of Duck Dodgers.
 
Soon the word gets back to Rob C that Trish has done the unthinkable. She changed some of the dialogue to his fake movie that no one will ever see. This cannot stand. He takes her aside and has to have yet another “one on one” talk with her. They need to redo the scene, and Rob C offers to personally help her with her lines. Dude, she’s NOT going to sleep with you. You have no shot. It’s not like you did something fixable like say her outfit makes her look fat. You called her the C word. You don’t recover from that. That and you’re an annoying dweeb. Trish politely says she’s OK with doing it and leaves it at that. No drama, no fighting, no epithets being hurled that force the censors to blur out their mouths. Obviously someone didn’t get the Kill Reality code of conduct memo.
 
Back at the house, the cast is back to pulling more wacky “pranks” on Trish’s room. Jenna from Survivor, (not the porn star, the other one) Jonny Fairplay and Nikki put up porn all over Trish’s bed, cover it with warning tape, and take down her bedroom door. Jenna is in charge of putting up the porn, which is why we get a shot of her exclaiming “This penis is huge! Woah!” Poor Ethan. ”Porn is funny!” declares Jenna. Oh poor, poor Ethan. They also dance around the house, overturn tables, and start banging pots and pans together.

When Rob C comes back to the house and sees the door lying on the front patio, he pulls his fake macho routine out and starts yelling at Jonny. Finally someone is willing to engage in fake shtick! Its been almost 5 minutes without it! Their yelling match continues for a good few minutes, and they both get “mad” at each other, and Jonny threatens to “walk out” of the house.  “I’ve known Jonny Fairplay for a very long time, and he’s one of my best friends,” says a somber Rob C in voice over, “and I know how he gets when he drinks.” I hate to burst your bubble here, Rob, but I feel it’s relevant to point out that Survivor: Pearl Islands came out 2 years ago. So unless you were living in the same small town in Pennsylvania as he was for the last decade, you’ve known Jonny Fairplay for about 2 years now. But, like all fake fights on this show, it’s over as soon as it began. They all decide to take everything down from Trish’s room, and everyone’s hugs and jumps on each other.

We all owe the censors a debt of gratitude for this one.

 
The next morning we get Jenna Lewis asking some sex questions from a trivia game (god, they make this so easy for me).  ”What do men enjoy most about sex? The foreplay, the climax, the intimacy or looking forward to the next time?”  Well, we all know what Jenna thinks is the most important thing about sex. Making sure the camera gets a closeup of the money shot. HEY OOHH!
 
As the episode finally crawls to a merciful end we get a look at Trish redoing her scenes yet again and even more examples of her bad acting.  And Rob C makes another pathetic attempt to get into Trish’s pants that fails miserably.  Next week is the finale. And the day after that I enter a methadone clinic, just to be on the safe side.