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You know, I’m not even sure where to begin this week. To be honest, after finding out the truth about what went on behind camera (or in some cases, in front of the camera but never aired) on Kill Reality it kind of makes watching people whack potato chip bags around seem kind of dull. For those of you who aren’t aware, I am referring of course to the article from Radar magazine mentioned here yesterday in which it describes the off-screen antics of our reality stars. Specifically Trishelle’s propensity for golden showers and Tonya’s urge to have people do lines of coke off her genitals (thus providing once and for all the answer we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another: can you get chlamydia from snorting coke off a woman’s hooch? Yes. Yes you can). Why can’t I be reviewing that show? Instead I get the coked-up, urine-stained whores just getting drunk and creating fake arguments for the camera. Ah well, when life gives you lemons… Hey did I mention people fling poo this episode? Well, they do. We start this week with the two Jennas making their bid for screen time by thinking of wacky pranks to pull on Tonya. What they come up with is spiking her drink with colon cleanser and switching her birth control pills with something else. None of this is even the least bit funny of course. It’s like watching a Jenna Elfman sitcom. During the entire “colon cleanser” episode, the “producer” Rob comes up and says that he “advises against” them doing it. At this point in the show they aren’t even pretending to be serious about making a movie. I just don’t see Hitchcock telling Grace Kelly to not use the colon cleanser on Jimmy Stewart. Kelly was all about giving dutch ovens anyway.
Once the two Jennas finish their shtick, we get a new visitor to the show. It’s Trishelle’s good friend Katie from Road Rules. She is referred to by producer as the “brunette Tonya.” Gosh, I wonder what bodily fluid she likes getting doused in? Well, whichever one it is, we know for sure right away whose bodily fluids she’s familiar with. Jonny Fairplay’s. Yep, he nailed her too. This of course led to bad blood between Tonya and Katie. But not really. Since Katie went off on Tonya the minute she arrived, no one can even attempt to keep a straight face with all this fake arguing. Soon enough Tonya storms out of the house and tells Jonny he can either stay or leave with her. He decides to stay and Katie proceeds to get absolutely trashed beyond recognition (one thing we know the cast house has plenty of is booze). The show turns into an endless barrage of slurred Katie rantings, accompanied by a voiceover from Trishelle where she says she thinks Katie is a perfect fit for Jonny because she’s “classy, intelligent, and smart.” That’s good, because I hate people who are smart but not really intelligent. And the people that are intelligent but not smart are just losers. But the best part of that snippet is that as Trishelle is saying it, it is intercut with images of drunk Katie belching, slurring and flat-out falling on her ass. And just when I thought I was going to hate her as much as the rest of these losers, she starts punching Jonny Fairplay. A lot. This made me happy. Jonny reacts to this by going into “sad mode” where he gets the hurt look on his face as he’s being pummeled by a drunk woman who is 5’4″.
“If she was any other person on the world, I probably would have punched her,” says Mr. Fairplay. Since Jonny weighs about 90 pounds, I sincerely doubted the veracity of that statement. It’s also worth mentioning that all throughout the episode he is wearing a trucker cap. You know, the kind that Ashton Kutcher thinks are cool. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. So after about ten minutes of Katie wandering the grounds punching, cursing, and just ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of Road Rules, things finally start to settle down. Katie, Jonny and Trishelle move upstairs to the main bedroom where things get intimate. Kind of. Now that Jonny finally decides to “make his move” on the woman whose alcohol level is .84, the best line he comes up with is “Do you want to watch a movie to go to sleep to?” Even Trishelle, who is one week away from doing a homeless midget gang bang, thinks that’s a lame come-on, since Katie is a) drunk, and b) a slut. No lines needed my friend. (Other than “tell me when you’re about to puke.” Don’t forget that one. Trust me.) Katie isn’t happy with the line either, expressing her dismay by saying “stop being a f–king f-gg-t.” This is where I usually ask a girl if she kisses her mom with that mouth, but since we’re in a house populated with pee-drinking coke heads, this is actually quite mild. Although I’m sure somewhere “gay icon” Reichen felt a disturbance in the gay force.
Speaking of Reichen, he and Jenna are busy continuing the charade of pretending that there is a “movie” being filmed and are shooting a scene where Jenna has to play a drunk whore. Oh the irony, as they cut immediately to Katie. She is still at it back at the cast house punching Jonny, screaming and swearing and doing everything in her power to keep the 2 gallons of gin, beer, cigarettes and semen in her stomach where it belongs. She finally starts to get that “I’m gonna pass out in my own sick” look and Jonny takes her to bed and finally has sex with her. I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that.
The next morning we are treated to something to wash this nastiness out of our mouths. Big Brother Girls!! Namely Lori and Diane. It’s always nice to see Lori, as she is hot and was evicted way too early from the game. Diane however is the same snaggletoothed, whiny-voiced loser. Except now she died her hair black. We also get a bit with those losers Jonathan and Victoria from the Amazing Race. Jonathan’s claim to fame of course was beating his wife. So we now get yet another round of fake arguments for screen time as Jonathan tries to create a stir. The WWE is more credible than this crap. Man, times like this I wonder why I watch reality TV. I mean there’s a whole big beautiful world out there I could be exploring. Art, literature, history, music. Maybe I should just stop watching this crap and read the collected works of H.L. Mencken? Ahh, who am I kidding, Trishelle likes to get peed on! Who can’t love that??
Also on the beach this day is super gay Reichen who is lusting after his stunt double to the point of creepy weirdness. Mouthing “you’re hot” when he’s not looking, smelling his fingers after they shake hands, even getting extra lispy when he talks about him. Gosh, Reichen, I can’t imagine why you haven’t landed a job as a soap opera hunk yet.
That night, the producers bring everyone together to show them a trailer that they cut from the existing footage to get everyone excited. Everyone gathers around the couch and sits in rapt attention. They all love it. They think it looks great! Of course they love it, they are all idiots. In reality, it’s shit. It looks like what it is: a bunch of coked-up drunks running around in front of a camera with no purpose. But what do you expect from the director of of Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, Anything Goes! (yes, I looked it up)? While Jenna goes upstairs and pouts because she wasn’t in their stupid trailer, Jonny is having trouble deciding which girl he wants. Tonya or Katie. Everyone’s very concerned for “Fairplay” as they oftentimes call him. The man’s name is Jon Dalton, people. He’s a hick from Virginia. Either you stop calling him Fairplay, or you start calling Trishelle “Trashelle” and Tonya “Coke Whore.” It’s not fair to the rest of them. Jonny says he likes Katie but not when she’s drunk (referring of course to the hours between 6 AM and 10 AM). So it looks like he’s deciding on Tonya. Producer Rob says he should stay away from both of them, but he’s clearly sober so everyone tells him to shut up.
Back on the set, they are shooting Jenna’s death scene. It involves her falling down a hole and not much else. After about 15 botched takes she finally does it and you’d think they just yelled cut after Brando’s On The Waterfront speech. Everyone’s clapping and cheering, and Steve the Producer says he can’t wait to use her in his next movie because she just “knocked it out of the park.” Knowing the shady aspect of the producers and directors of this “movie” I’m sure that means we can expect to see Jenna in ” Moulin Splooge 2″ or “Romancing the Bone 4″ any day now. Which dovetails nicely with what happens next as she has to do a voiceover sex scene with Johnny Fairplay and the girl talks dirty. Shes a dirty, dirty girl.
Over on the Tonya front, she marches back into the house with her “boyfriend” in tow, and Jonny gets upset and storms out and yadda yadda yadda. Who cares? Its all so over-the-top-phony it’s not even entertaining. At least it wasn’t until they started throwing feces at each other. That’s right, not to be outdone by urine-guzzling Trishelle, porn star Jenna finds out about the “Upper Decker” from last week’s episode and decides to get a cup full of poopy water and leave it on Jonny’s bed in another lame attempt at a prank. Jonny comes in drunk and hurls it over the railing to the delight of all below. Hep C for everyone! It’s actually quite an artistic masterstroke to end the show with this image. I mean what better metaphor do you need to describe this disaster of a show than a shower of human shit.
H.L. Mencken ain’t looking to bad right now. Maybe I can borrow my brother’s library card…