You know, when I sat down to write this, it occurred to me how negative I have been about Kill Reality in all my previous recaps. Who am I to cast aspersions on these people? Trishelle and Tonya both have moms that love them right? Sure, Jenna Lewis made a homemade porno tape, pretended it was stolen, and then we found out she was collecting all the profits. But when the inevitable homemade porn with J-Unit and Tyra Banks surfaces, will I be so quick to judge? The man has to earn a living. TVgasm ads only get you so far. So then I said to myself, this is the season finale. Why not go out on a high note? If E! gives me lemons, I’ll make lemonade! Unfortunately, E! gave me a big steaming pile of crap. And believe me, I wish that was just a metaphor. I apologize for any incoherence or misspelled words on my part in this recap, as I was forced to pour bleach on my eyes after watching this week’s episode. You’ll see why soon enough….So we start the episode like we start every episode since this show began: Jonny Fairplay throwing crap. He’s still reeling over Tonya’s departure from the house with her boyfriend (who we can now safely assume needs a hearty dose of Valtrex). He’s throwing food, screaming and just doing pretty much what he’s done every week of this horrible show. He then walks up to Jenna Lewis and Steven and threatens to beat up Jenna in front of him. Nice. If reading about these people joking about domestic abuse turns your stomach, stop reading now. It’s only going to get worse. Jonny continues his drunken rampage throughout the house culminating in him flipping an entire pizza over on the pool table. This upsets Jenna Lewis who screams and yells at him saying “You live up to every low expectation we have of you.” This just gives Jonny more material to work with as he just pretends that this upsets him. Even the other Survivor Jenna gets in on the act saying how she thinks that’s “probably the meanest thing he’s ever heard.” Yeah well, that’s just because he hasn’t met me yet.
The end result of all of this brouhaha is a visit by the producers who have to figure out what to do about him. How much shtick is too much? The eternal reality show question. And these producers actually look like “real” producers, not the fake one like Rob C. “Is anyone nervous for their personal safety?” one of them asks, clearly wondering who he must have pissed off to get this job. This has got to be the worst producing job in Hollywood history that doesn’t involve working with McG. The cast all seem to think that he has gone over the edge with his drinking and may end up hurting himself. When I hear this I drop to my knees and pray to my god Zenu that they are right.
Fake producer Rob C. is forced to step up to the plate yet again and have another talk with Jonny about his behavior. At this point, do I even need to keep recapping? It’s the same show every week. Jonny drinks and does drugs, freaks out and yells for the cameras, and we get a bunch of phony, staged “we love you man” one on one talks. ”We all care about you, man” says Rob C. ” I care more about the film than I do about me.” Jonny replies ominously. I gotta say that’s quite a statement. It reminds me somewhat of Francis Ford Coppola almost having a nervous breakdown when filming Apocalypse Now. Only Coppola is immensely talented and Apocalypse Now was a great film. Other than that, the comparison is just eerily spot on.
After spending the entire day watching Jonny Fairplay’s rampant alcoholism eat away at his soul, everyone decides it’s time to go out and get drunk. And what better place to do it then a gay bar? The idea of this makes gay icon Reichen positively orgasmic. That is until they get there, and he sees Jenna and Kevin are all over each other, and we get a great gay facial tick as he registers his disgust with a fantastic interprative “what-everrrrr.”
While there, Jonny does what you normally would expect from someone with an alcoholism problem that would make Dylan Thomas blush. (That last joke was for all you poetry fans out there.) Drink to the point of incoherence. He gets so bad that Jenna Lewis is forced to pick him up and carry him into the back of the car. She’s the “mother” of the group as she keeps reminding us, and she has to treat Jonny like one of her kids. That would be a sweet notion if it wasn’t for the fact that 5 minutes beforehand she was laughing while everyone was lifting her shirt and getting a free feel in the middle of the bar.
“Anyone wanna see my Janice Dickinson impression?”
Meanwhile back at the cast house, Bachelorette Trish has decided to get in on the fun and “prank” Jonny by taping all his belongings to the top of the ceiling. I kind of enjoyed the absurdity of that prank. Its on a much higher level than the “Upper Decker” that Jonny declared “the greatest prank in the history of pranks” last week (the same episode where he said he can’t listen to more than 2 Yakov Smirnoff jokes in a row for fear of hyperventilating from laughter).
So now that her job is done, Trish sits back and waits. Soon enough Jenna, Kevin and a drunk Jonny return. “Hey cunnies,” yells Jonny as he enters the house, which made me laugh because it came through loud and clear with no edits. This shows how stupid the E! censors are because “cunnies” is simply a variation on the dreaded C word that we all became familiar with from last week’s episode (this truly is a show that keeps on giving). Once Jonny realizes what’s happened (which takes a while ’cause he could’ve pissed his pants and not noticed for 3 days) he gets angry and starts arguing with Trish. At least I think it was arguing, since most of what he said was all slurred drunken mumblings. As Reichen plays bodyguard between the two, Jonny hocks up a loogie and acts as if he’s about to spit it right in her face. This show is such a joy isn’t it? Once that moment fades, he then declares that it’s time for him to “break stuff.” And he does just that. While he’s on his little tirade, Fat Bachelor Bob stays up to “look after him,” as he describes it. So we get the sight of Jonny trashing the house while people once again sit idly by and watch him do it. I really don’t get that. But then again my system isn’t full of heroin and Ketel One either.
The next morning we see an apparently still drunk Jonny attempting to get his clothes down from the ceiling with Trishelle (who’s been oddly MIA all episode). His thoughts immediately turn to retribution, and then he has an epiphany. ”I’m just gonna go sh*t in her bed.” And yes, dear reader, he does. While she is still in it.
Let that soak in for a while.
He just took a dump on someone.
That’s right. I am recapping a reality show in which the highlight is a man defecating on a girl. I bet you’re expecting a wacky B-Side-like retort right now aren’t you? A funny zinger for all you readers out there? Yeah well it ain’t happening. The guy just dumped on a girl. What other reaction can I possibly have other then dry heaving? E! of course thought the whole thing was hee-larious and even added wacky music to go with the whole incident, thus making Taradise their only show that can be considered “family programming.”
If anyone has continued this recap up until this point, I want to personally thank you for keeping with me on this one, as it’s not gonna get any better (although I can’t imagine it could get any worse). The next day the producers are called into the house and decide that Jonny has “crossed a number of lines” as fake producer Rob C puts it. Ya think? What he did was too much, a “major health hazard” as they put it, and the decision is made that he has to leave the house. All of this would be a little bit more impressive if it wasn’t for the fact that Jonny hurled a cup filled with his own feces and toilet water over the balcony railing a few episodes ago and there were no repercussions. And the producers were knowingly stocking the place with incredible amounts of alcohol waiting for wacky reality show mix em ups. There’s really no good guys here.
Jonny is not taking his eviction well and is reduced to making arguments like questioning whether or not taking a dump on someone is specifically listed as a no-no in his contract, to which Rob C admits they “did not put it into the contract to not defecate onto someone else.” Which is odd because it’s in all of J-Lo’s contracts. “You know how much I did for you guys?” Jonny pleads. I’m actually curious to find the answer to that question myself. What exactly did he do for these guys?
Well enough of this display. Let’s get back to what little bright spots we have left on this show: Big Brother cameos! It’s Erika from Big Brother 4, otherwise known as the season of the “X Factor.” Erika is best known for having dated fellow contestant Robert, who always reminded me of what Ricky Martin would look like if he had Downs Syndrome.
To cut this recap mercifully short they soon finish the final shot and declare production a wrap. Our long national nightmare is over. Fake Producer and co-writer Rob C muses “After months and months of writing the script, we’re happy and a little bit sad it’s done.” That’s right, this movie took “months and months” to write.
And we end Kill Reality a few days later as we get to see everyone at the wrap party. And all the reality show whores are there. We get Jonathan from Amazing Race still trying to suck every last drop of D-list fame he can get his hands on. And bug-eyed Toni is back as well! Even Jonny Fairplay shows up being his usual outrageous self by playfully tongue kissing Reichen for a good 8 seconds. All that’s left is the actual “movie” itself (which will air on E! next Saturday night). As for that, Producer Rob C tells us “I get the sense that people aren’t expecting a lot from this film, and we have a chance to surprise people.” Gosh, what makes him think that?
So now that we are at the end, I toyed with the idea of finishing this recap with either a picture of kittens playing, so as to help cleanse all of our palettes of this crappy show, or just showing a shot of Jonny making out with Reichen, simply because if I had to suffer through seeing that goddamit, so will all of you.