Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Hi Gasmii, P-Baby back again for another installment of Horrorgasm.  I think you all are in for a little treat today.  On the suggestion from a loyal reader, I’ve decided this week to indulge in B-movie classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  The decision was rather easy, as it was already added to my Netflix Instant Queue which means no effort expended to obtain and watch.  I’ve not had the pleasure of viewing this before but any movie involving alliterated Klowns that are murderous AND from space gets an A+ from me.

So I come from a long line (me, Papa and Uncle P-Baby) of B-movie lovers.  It was Papa P-Baby after all who sat me down and popped Cry-Baby into the VCR,  forever sealing Johnny Depp as a boyfriend of mine and even sparking my blogging name after the title character.  I don’t, however, think that Papa P-Baby expected my John Waters obsession to continue by ordering  Pink Flamingos on DVD and forcing Mr. P-Baby to watch on a quarterly basis.  I actually can’t believe I haven’t watched Killer Klowns sooner, but today is the day that I make things right with the B-movie universe.  At the risk of having Klown nightmares for the foreseeable future, here we go!

Over a dark sky, awesomely lit up credits roll and I’m already smiling my ass off.  This movie already feels like coming home to the Promised Land.  B- movies are just so unintentionally charming.

It’s just another night at the Big Top Burger where we meet Police Officer Mooney out on the beat and giving everyone the stink eye, just like good old cops do.  I recognized him immediately but could not figure out where until Wikipedia informed me he played the evil Sherman Krader in Ernest Goes To Camp.  It should come as no surprise to any of you that I am an avid fan of the Ernest movies.

Officer Mooney is ready to kick some ass because he’s bored and it’s a Friday night.  Meanwhile, at the Top of the World where all horny Crescent Cove teens go to exchange bodily fluids, an ice cream truck shows up totally killing the mood after cock blocking Paul Terenzi starts hollering about selling ice cream to a bunch of teenagers that are more interested in getting their rocks off than popsicles.  Sorry, Paul.  This is where we first meet Mike Tobacco and his gal pal Debbie Stone.

Paul and his brother Rich are actually on a double date themselves with the hottest girls this side of the 80′s who are rocking some Delta Burke hair and shoulder pads. They refuse to park with the ice cream brothers and demand to be taken home.  I admit that I’d probably let Paul or Rich cop a feel if it meant free ice cream sandwiches and push pops for the summer.

Mike and Debbie continue on their date and start making out in the back of a vehicle which is conveniently padded by an…inflatable raft?  Was this make-out protocol in the 80′s because I have definitely never seen this technique before.  Ehh, whatever works.  I’d make out with Mike on a bed of nails if need be and I wouldn’t even make him use a raft.  Also, Mike and Debbie appear to be on the on the far side of 25, thus a little beyond the stage of making out in Mike’s car.

Mike and Debbie are witness to what appears to be a shooting star fly overhead and it lands in the yard of Farmer Gene with a requisite old mutt on his front porch.  I bet he’s also got a shotgun mounted over his fireplace and a toothless wife pickling pig’s feet in the kitchen.  Of course the shooting star landed in this guy’s yard.  Mysterious overhead flying objects never land in the yard of a scientist or astronaut who might have a shot at not getting eaten by whatever life form just touched down on earth.  Farmer Gene mistakenly thinks it is Halley’s comet and gets pumped that he’ll be rich with tourists coming to see it.   He brings with him his dog, a shovel and a lantern because no one in scary movies ever feels it necessary to equip themselves with any sort of weaponry.

On his hunt, Farmer Gene stumbles across a brightly lit circus tent in the woods and he gets even more excited because he loves the circus!  Hey guy, I love the circus too but no amount of cotton candy is going to tempt me to explore a mysterious circus tent in the woods in the middle of the night unless I’m a child actor in Canada starring in an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark.

He explores a little and after not finding anyone or anything, he declares the tent to be quite peculiar.  God damn it Farmer Gene.  Peculiar is when your chickens lay fewer eggs one month or your piglet starts hanging out with a spider in the barn.  A circus tent in the middle of the woods that has never been there before is fucking ridiculous and cause for immediate alarm.  Stop drooling over cotton candy and go get your shotgun.  One of the klowns captures the Farmer Gene’s dog while he’s not looking, upsetting him verily.  He tries to tear the tent apart in a fit of rage and gets jolted by electricity running through the poles.  What in tarnation?!  As he recovers on the ground, a jovial looking fellow approaches and shoots him with a ray gun, trapping him in a glob of cotton candy.

Back at the police station, Officer Mooney is questioning a couple of juvenile delinquents who were drinking some wine in town.  Officer Mooney overreacts and throws them against the wall, demanding they empty their pockets and insists they are the scum of the earth for committing crimes against humanity such as littering and having an open container.  Mooney is kind of a dick.  He and another officer, Dave, argue about whose nuts are bigger before throwing the two kids in the drunk tank.

Mike and Debbie are still chasing the location of the shooting star and make their way through the woods.  They stumble across the same tent that the Farmer Gene found.  Mike’s face lights up like a Christmas tree but Debbie is wary of the whole thing, proving me wrong that girls in scary movies are nothing more  have more than tits and ass.  Mike’s faded denim encased butt cheeks convince Debbie to check out the tent anyway.  How could Mike possibly not find anything wrong with stumbling upon a circus tent in the middle of the forest?  Remember when Hansel and Gretel found a gingerbread house covered in candy in the woods?  They were all excited until they realized that the witch lady wanted to deep fry their asses for dinner and Gretel had to pull some ninja shit and push that bitch in the oven.  The point is, when you discover your childhood wonderland places in the forest, stay the fuck away.

They boldly enter the tent and discover a brightly painted funhouse slightly reminiscent of  the Double Dare sound stage.  They continue to explore, pushing a bunch of buttons and getting sucked into a transportation tube to another part of the tent.  They realize that they are definitely not at the circus and Mike’s all, “Debbie, what is this place?  It could be a nuclear power plant or military base, maybe even CIA headquarters or a Russian spy plane for all we know!” and Debbie’s all, “Mike, you are an idiot.”

Also, this circus tent appears to be powered by one of those static balls Spencer’s used to sell where you touch your finger on it and all the neon electric things move to the top.  I used to think my life would not be complete until I owned one of those things…I kind of still feel that way.

Debbie realizes they are in fact in the shooting star they initially set out to find just as a shadow starts to approach them down the hallway.  They jump into another transportation tube to a new room and giant pink ball sacks made out of cotton candy are hanging everywhere.  Mike’s all, “Mmmmm candy.  Me like. Munch munch munch.”   Meanwhile, Debbie’s like “Uh, hello dumbass, we need to get the hell out of here.”  Debbie’s not a believer in UFO’s but she’s becoming more and more convinced they have stumbled across an alien piece of machinery.  Mike refuses to give up on the cotton candy dream, stating that he believes this all to be perfectly normal, even tearing off a piece to eat.  5-year old Mike would be a child molester’s dream.  He’d get lured with a box of raisins and a Dum Dum.  That shit really used to piss me off at Halloween.   What the hell do they expect me to trade a box of raisins for?

A clown arrives into the cotton candy room to hang another pod of candy while Mike and Debbie watch from a hiding spot.   They make a run for it, narrowly escaping the clown with his popcorn shooting gun, which looks like something I need to get my hands on immediately.  The clowns are pissed at this intrusion and use a balloon animal dog to track Mike and Debbie’s scent through the woods.

Time out.  Gasmii, this movie is fucking awesome.  In the first twenty minutes I’ve seen an evil Klown, a cotton candy gun, a popcorn gun, a circus tent UFO that I’d gladly allow to abduct me, and a balloon animal hunting dog.  My only regret is not having discovered this sooner.  Thank you all for enlightening me!

Mike backs into the clowns with his truck and they manage to flee the woods intact.  Debbie wants to go to the police to tell them about the clowns but Mike doesn’t think anyone will believe them.  That’s a pretty safe assumption.  The clowns are now really pissed off and hungry, ready to begin their occupation of Crescent Cove to inflict mass destruction and overrun the population.

Mike and Debbie get to the police station and try to convince Officer Dave of what they just saw.  Bozo, Krusty, Pennywise, and the rest of the gang have made their way onto main street ready to tear some shit up.

Debbie starts to spill her guts to Dave about the circus tent right when Officer Mooney rounds the corner.  Dave is still listening attentively to Debbie as they are former paramours and he’s probably down for a threesome with her, Mike, and the raft.  Mooney hears some crap about a spaceship and killer clowns and calls bullshit on Debbie and Mike. Mooney recognizes Mike as a friend of the Ice Cream Terenzi brothers who apparently are not in good favor with Mooney due to their ice cream shenanigans.  Dave finally agrees to drive back over to the tent location but not before he insists on dropping Mike and Debbie off at home.

So as Mike, Debbie, and Dave are off for a little kinky raft sex, the Klowns start terrorizing the people of Crescent Cove.  One is shot with the cotton candy ray gun at a puppet show while a few other clowns ransack a drug store while the owner watches on terrified of the white-faced, red nosed demon beings in his shop. Another group of clowns show up at the door of a pretty young blonde woman under the guise of a pizza delivery.  They get her with the cotton candy ray gun too, along with a couple others.  Is it naive to believe that I could totally survive a cotton candy gun blast?  I think these Klowns might underestimate the fact that I can eat the hell out of some cotton candy and once I managed to eat my way through the shell, I’d be in such a sugar-induced frenzy that’d I’d karate chop their asses and cartwheel back to my beloved couch.

The clowns continue to wreck the drug store while Dave and Mike look for the circus tent after dropping Debbie off.  Of course it’s gone now, making Mike look nuts and causing Dave to question Mike’s story.  Dave arrests Mike for making false claims though I secretly suspect he’s into a little bondage action and has a canoe he’s been dying to break in with Mike as the perfect test candidate.

So just like humans, some of the Klowns prefer a rough and tough lifestyle of tattoos, boozing, and hogs.  One such Klown pulls up to a biker bar on a tricycle and gets taunted by club patrons.  OK Biker dudes, listen carefully.  Klown on tricycle = run like hell.

These biker guys have balls because I’m definitely not going to fuck with a midget in a clown suit at a bar.  You know why?  Because that dude is fucking nuts and serves as my official cue to put the tequila shot down and take a cab home.   The clown punches one of the patrons in the head, decapitating the shit out of him and causing the rest of the crowd to flee.  Awesome.  The terrorizing continues as another guy is run off the road, crashing into a fireball of twisted metal while Bozo points and laughs at him.

At the Big Top Burger, one of the clowns beckons a child diner outside.  Is this child blind?  I’m not going anywhere near this fucker.  He looks like he’s beckoning her to the entrance of hell.

Dave and Mike come across an abandoned car with shit strewn all over the road and covered in cotton candy residue.  Another vehicle is found with the entire inside candied as well.   He begrudgingly takes off Mike’s handcuffs now that he knows Mike was actually telling the truth.

At the station, Officer Mooney drinks some Jack, puffs a stogie, and mumbles to himself.

The phone keeps ringing and it’s the drug store guy calling to report the demonic clowns that have ransacked his store.  Another call comes in about a missing wife carried away in a balloon and yet another with a crying baby.  Officer Mooney says to hell with everyone and gets loaded.  Officer Mooney and I would get along like two peas in a pod.

A quick shot of Debbie undressing to get in the shower.  Horror movie chicks are always getting in the shower.

A clown dumps some more of the popcorn into a dumpster outside the Big Top Burger.  A Big Top employee empties the trash.  I’m all for people needing to make buck here and there because we all have bills to pay but dude is dressed like he just came from an eight year old’s birthday party at the Crescent Cove Rock n Bowl.  If he was eight, this would be completley fine, but he’s 27 and wearing an apron that could suspiciously be used to conceal inappropriate boners.  Big Top Burger could totally be an awesome place to work if everyone was dressed like Ringleaders with tophats and whips to fling at customers when they take too long ordering their shitty value meals.  Just saying.  Anyway, Burger perv falls into the dumpster and gets attacked by the popcorn.

Dave and Mike cruise around like the two 80′s B-movie hunks they are trying to figure out what’s going on with the cotton candy.  One of the clowns shows up at a bus stop and entertains a bunch of folks including two geezers with some shadow puppets against the wall.  How could they possibly entertained by shadow puppets?  Those stupid things didn’t entertain me when I was five.  Dave and Mike happen across the shadow puppet clown just as it makes a tyranusaurus rex puppet eat the adoring crowd.  Mike grabs the steering wheel of the cop car in an attempt to run the the clown down but it jumps straight up and out of sight.

Dave calls Officer Mooney back at the station frantic about the clowns. Old Drunk Mooney tells him to fuck off, convinced that it’s a conspiracy prank to get him to quit.  Mike spots the Terenzi brothers ice cream truck fly by and he catches up to them.  Mike tells them about the clowns and convinces the two horny bastards to drive him over to Debbie’s house.

Officer Mooney’s telephones are blowing up but he just keeps puffing away  and reads some porn, ignoring them all.   A clown peaks his cute little face into the station and approaches Mooney  He gives Mooney a bouquet of flowers and shoots him in the face with water, pissing him off.  He arrests the clown but its hands detach like a lizards tail.  Officer Mooney draws his gun on the fellow and puts him in the jail cell with the juvies from earlier.  The clown kills Mooney with one of the birthday party blowers that unroll and make a bunch of noise.

Debbie’s still taking the longest shower ever.  Al Gore’s going to be pissed but he’ll probably just ask Debbie for a hand job and call the whole thing even.

Dave shows up at the station and barely notices some subtle footprints on the floor.  He follows the trail to the holding cell area, where the footprints are all over the wall, floor and ceiling.  All that’s left are cotton candy pods.  Dave stumbles across the clown, who is using Officer Moody’s body as a dummy.   Dave you better stop hanging around and get the hell out of there.  Dave decides to shoot the clown a bunch of times which appears to have no effect until he gets him on the schnozz.  The clown spins out of control in a green haze of neon scribble and explodes.

Dave calls for back up, but Dave, you know how to kill the clowns now.  What are you waiting for?  The Terenzi brothers and Mike are still cruising to Debbie’s house and they see a bunch of clowns with multiple cotton candy pods, streamers and a parade float sucking up the pods for storage.

Debbie is finally out of the shower and hears some strange noises.  The popcorn has turned into little killer clown heads who attack her from the hamper, the toilet and the medicine cabinet.

Debbie manages to escape though I sort of wish she hadn’t due to the crime of fashion she’s committing.  Oversized sweater, jeans, leg warmers, AND a dangly earring paired with a smaller earring?  Fail, Debbie.    A clown disguising its voice as Mike tricks her into opening the front door so she tries to go out the window and realizes she’s surrounded.   The clowns get into Debbie’s house and shoot her with a ray gun trapping her in a giant balloon.

The clowns make off with Debbie just as the ice cream truck arrives and a chase ensues with a clown car being chased by an ice cream truck followed by Dave’s cop car.  The Terenzi brother slams the brakes on when he sees Dave behind them, causing an accident.  Dave ditches his police cruiser and jumps in the ice cream truck as the clowns head for an amusement park.  One of the amusement park rent a cops tells the clowns to get the hell out of there but they’re not having it and chuck a bunch of pies at the guy, smothering him with delicious lemon and cherry filling.

Dave, Mike and the Terenzi brothers enter into the clowns’ circus tent once again, looking about as effective to take on killer alien clowns as a 90′s boy band.  Mike and Dave are the hot Timberlake bleached Jheri curled members while the Terenzi’s get to be the ugly Chris “I’ve got braces and braids but still get laid by association” Kirkpatrick members.  They continue making their way through and arrive at a door.  And another door.  Another door.  Holy shit,  ANOTHER DOOR!

The Terenzi’s stumble across a booby trap and fall through a trap door into a plastic ball pit that I was obsessed with when I was younger.  There are two busty woman clowns sitting at the pit waiting for them and they are already popping wood despite their evil clown faces and busted clown weaves.  The Terenzi’s need to get the hell out of the back of their ice cream truck and find themselves a couple of hookers so they can just get laid and end their quest for pussy.

Mike and Dave continue through the tent finding the same transportation tube area that Mike and Debbie had previously discovered.  The previously almost empty cotton candy room is now filled with pods.  Balloons are also in there as well and they search for Debbie’s to no avail.  A chubby clown comes down into the pod ready to get his eat and drink on.  He sticks a crazy straw (Crazy straws!  Ok, I officially want to hang out with the clowns.  There was a period of time in my life where I would only drink out of crazy straws.  It also looks like they’d let me eat as many rainbow sprinkles as I want with no judgment.  Heaven.)  Chubbo starts sucking fluid out of the cotton candy pod while Mike and Dave watch on.  They realize the clowns are eating everyone and Mike freaks out as his cotton candy dreams come crashing down.

They finally find Debbie’s balloon and rescue her out of it.  The three make a run for it and have attracted the attention of all the clowns.  Dave shoots one and they escape down a fire pole despite not knowing what lies at the bottom.  They keep running through a balloon room and escape through a small doorway.  They barricade the door but realize they have landed smack into the heart of the tent, full of pissed off clowns that want to use them as pinatas.  The angry clown mob is pissed but just as things look dire, the Terenzi brothers bust in letting the three escape.  They try to back out of the tent but the truck is stuck.

Big bad boss Klown arrives to put an end to all the bullshit and he does not look happy, though he should be ecstatic.

The Terenzis refuse to leave their truck while Mike, Debbie and Dave run away.  The truck gets tossed to the side in a fiery explosion and Boss Hog turns his sights on the three.  Mike and Debbie run to safety while Dave uses himself as a distraction.

The circus tent starts to take off with Dave inside, who is failing miserably at shooting Boss Klown in his big red honker.  Mike, Debbie and the rest of the homely Crescent Cove police force watch helplessly as the tent takes off.  Just then, Boss Klown picks Dave up who manages to stab him in the nose with his badge.

The tent explodes into fireworks, dropping the clown car out of the sky with Dave and the Terenzi’s safely inside.  Apparently they escaped the explosion by hiding in the freezer.  Mike doesn’t seem to care that Dave is totally scamming on Debbie right now, nuzzling the back of her Aquanetted head.  Just as things seem safe, Mike, Debbie, and Dave get doused with pies!  They’ll be back!