It’s the season finale of Kitchen Nightmares! I have only written up a few episodes, but it’s been a ball. Since we won’t have more of Gordo for awhile, I thought I’d open the final recap with a gift for all you pervy ladies who insist on thinking Ramsay’s a sex symbol. Merry Christmas, pervy ladies.
To each her own.
Tonight’s Nightmare is brought to us by The Secret Garden restaurant. My first question is, why would you name a restaurant after that story? It’s about is about a girl who’s forced to move in with her creepy uncles and her dying bratty cousin after her parents die from the bubonic plague or something. Sure, everything worked out in the end, but who remembers that? When I hear The Secret Garden I think of pain. Hey, what a coinkidink! That’s what I think when I hear the opening song on Kitchen Nightmares!
Moorpark, CA. gateway to wine country, golf courses, and this guy:
Other than looking like a possum about to strike, what’s this Chef’s problem? As Sammy, a waitress who answers the phone with the fakest English accent I’ve ever encountered, puts it: “Michel’s biggest problem is that he’s French.” I’ve never heard anyone turn being French into an actual personality flaw before, and I like it. He can’t help it, he was born that way.
As some of you know already, I usually just rag on French women because I have hated them ever since the book French Women Don’t Get Fat was published. That general rule, apparently, doesn’t apply to French men, so I thought this tub of Frenchie might sit better with me. Then Michel explains that French people just have better taste than Americans. And…hate. Hello, have you ever tried a chicken snack wrap from McDonalds, Michel? I didn’t think so. Oh, snap.
“Thaynk ew foh cahlling the Seecret Gaaahden, mye aye haylp you? Alms foh thuh poah? Pleez suh may oy ave sum moah?”
Jane, the other waitress (the one with a real English accent. Is Sammy Single White Female-ing her?), is a bit blunter and basically says Michel’s a dick. Then she explains that he’s Fr… a Chef! All Fr…Chefs are dicks! You see? It’s not just me. No one likes French people. Montage of Michel throwing around his (considerable) weight and bitching at people for no reason in an Inspector Clouseau accent, spitting everywhere every time he opens his big stupid mouth.
A-hole stereotype Chef aside, the place is at least popular with the hip crowd. The broken hip crowd. Could you see that one coming? No? Neither could any of the customers. Wuh-oh! Hope the food’s fresh, cuz the customers are almost expired! I’ve got a million of em. Those jokes never get old, unlike the customers here! Heeeeeyyyyooooohhhhh! That’s why I make the big bucks, people.
Wake up, Meemaw. Your soup’s here.
Unfortunately, the patrons are all on a fixed income and Michel can’t pay of $320,000 in debt selling just a few sides of mashed potatoes and cups of hot water with lemon a day. Enter our hero. Now, Gordo is never bursting with excitement to be anywhere, but he seems particularly pissed off at the world today. As he approaches the restaurant, he snivels “fine dining” and shakes his head. It doesn’t help that the front door is locked. So is the side door. And the back door. He finally enters through the bathrooms to find not a soul in the restaurant. Oh wait, my bad. There is one soul.
Go on, soul. Follow the light. There’s nothing for you here!
Gordo walks around the empty dining room in awe. The place looks like the Sad Hatter’s Tea Party. Granny’s china, over the top frilly draperies, and knick knacks galore. He doesn’t have time to rag on the giant frog in the corner holding a blackboard because he’s so offended by the other statue in the room. He walks up to it and calls it a fat bastard. Hilarious.
Be a man.
Gordo finds the kitchen and Michele braces himself for all the compliments that are bound to come gushing out of his guest’s mouth. “I couldn’t find the entrance.” Michel’s smile is replaced with a confused lip curl. Don’t worry, Frenchie. You can make up for it in the fabulous meal you’re about to serve him.
Gordo goes back to the dining room and picks a table facing away from the frog and the fat chef statues. He has so much to bitch about right off the bat that he hardly takes a breath during his opening rant. It’s like Buckingham Palace in here paper doilies? god that bread basket is huge and only has one sad roll it smells like dying in here frog fat chef canned crab strawberries and shrimp don’t go together French people EVERYTHING’S CRAAAAAAP! When he’s done, Sarah stubbornly replies “I think everything’s good.” He stabs her with a fork and tells her to get out of his face.
Back in the kitchen, Michel is starting the day with a positive attitude. Wouldn’t want to give people the wrong impression of France! He sends out the salad and says he hopes Ramsay likes it. After all, the customer is almost always right. Hating Michel, but those are words to live by. Restaurant customers are generally horrible people, and I include myself in that stereotype.
Get this Grand Slam off my table! It’s bullshit! The service here sucks! Learn some English! When are you losers getting a goddamn bar???!?!?!?!?
After begging God to protect him from food poisoning and reciting his Hail Mary’s, Gordo takes a bite of the salad. Then his body starts to jerk like a victim in Alien and everything that comes out of his mouth is bleeped. Sarah, ignoring the convulsions and loud cursing, comes by to ask how everything’s going. LOL, Sarah. This is by far my favorite smart aleck-y waitress I’ve seen on this show. Not only is she not afraid of Gordo, she could break him in two. She’s practically rolling on the floor laughing in the kitchen as she watches him almost choke on his steak. Michel not so much.
The steak was rubber, the carrots were raw, the fried onions were a ball of grease and the overall impression is lazy, boring, and disgusting. Sara takes notes so she can deliver the bad news to Michel word for word, which she does with pure joy, like she’s reading everyone a Mad Lib. Gordo, refusing to eat anything else, says that this place is like his grannie’s house. “Thank God she’s dead.” HAHAAA. This guy is such a bastard. Love it.
Teehee! He said the c word! He really hates your ass!
He goes back to the kitchen and asks Michel if he’s proud of himself. Of course! Gordon says not to take this personally, but his food is crap. Now, why would any chef take that personally? Especially when you said not to? That always makes it better. Don’t take this personally, but you’re too old for blonde highlights. Just saying. Glad that’s out of the way and we can be friends. Gordo goes on to use the words tasteless, bizarre, long winded, and boring. It’s like a review of Lions for Lambs.
The kitchen is stunned silent. Sarah pipes up, claiming that the customers have never complained. Gordo tells her to stop blowing smoke up Michel’s ass while he’s chewing it out. Her breath smells like Malomars. Michel stays calm while Gordo rants and raves, which our hero hates. He keeps poking and poking, calling him a loser and a fattie and an uggo and all that and then says he just wants to get inside Michel’s brain to find out just how stupid one man can be. Michel argues confidently that he’s not just a hack French moron with the brain the size of a pea, which really sets Gordo off. He storms out and slams the door behind him. Michel calls after him “Thanks for the critick!”
Mini-me likez my kooky-ng and dat iz all dat iz importantd!
And now for the inspection of the nasty walk in! Another Chef who didn’t think to clean before a camera crew descended on his restaurant. WTF? Glad to see those high French standards in action. This is one of the grosser kitchens we’ve seen. There’s mold growing everywhere, sludge in jars, and maggots in the potatoes. And now, without further adieu, please welcome the vomitous kitchen montage!
As you watch this, imagine Josh Groban’s “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” playing in the backround.
Gordo barfs, at least that’s what the loud exaggerated sound effect leads us to believe, but unlike him, I am getting used to the site of the nasty kitchens. Like a teenager who turns into a violent monster after playing too much Grand Theft Auto, this show has desensitized me to culinary uncleanliness. The other day I found a pickle slice on the floor of my car and didn’t even think twice before I popped it into my mouth. If I’m ever homeless, I think I’ll be prepared. Thanks, FOX!
Michel comes into the walk in all chipper and smiles as Gordo rips into him. Ramsay tells him to stop smiling and try to take this seriously. There has to be a personality in there somewhere, let er rip! Michel refuses at first, so Gordo continues on with the whole you’re a worthless loser who deserves to be harpooned and fed to starving children in Darfur tactic, finally bringing the real Michel to the surface. He doesn’t need to be told how to run a keechen! He’s worked for Chef Blah Blah Fancy Pants and Chef Prestigious Chefie Chef and banged Julia Child in her prime. He knows what the hell he’s doing!
Well did Chef Blah Blah Fancy Pants have maggots in the potatoes? Crickets. Ramsay softens his voice to really drive his point home and tells Michel he’s the crappiest crap ever crapped. Nothing personal, though. I took a page out of Gordo’s book and used that on the busboy after I called him a lazy ignorant pig tonight at work. It’s the most liberating phrase ever. You can say what you want and no one’s allowed to hold you liable. Sure, Fernando cried, but in a professional way.
Michel looks like a deer about to get hit by a semi while Gordo’s around, but when he’s alone with the cameras, it’s a different story. The guy is spitting mad. Literally spitting. So gross. Gordo comes up with a towel and makes him wipe every spot there is spit on until the kitchen is sparkling clean.
Next step is to observe the restaurant on a busy night. Usually a FOX bus pulls up and lets off a bunch of “real people” to eat in the featured nightmares, but I guess real people in Moorpark, CA aren’t easily swayed because it’s a couple of hours into service before anyone shows up at all. Sammy the waitress, who suddenly has an English accent again, tells us that no one showing up is like a slap in the face. No, this is like a slap in the face. Slap. Stop talking like a retard and pick a nationality.
Suddenly, the sound of whooping cough and random whiney complaining is heard and the walkers with tennis balls on the legs start filing in verrrrry verrrry slooowwwwlly. Gordo shrugs. They may be a bit stale, but old real people are better than no real people.
Oh yes it’s Ladies Night, and the feelin’s right. Oh yes it’s Ladies Night, oh what a night!
Gordo notices an old guy trying to mash an unripe strawberry slice with a tiny piece of cheese on top and snatches the plate before he marches back to the kitchen. Michel of course tells Gordo that everyone looooves itz! I hope so, because everything that comes out of his kitchen takes half an hour. You see, Michele believes that when you go to dinner, you should relax and spend three hours in the restaurant. That’s how they do it in France, he assures us. Guess why Americans don’t live in France, asshole? BECAUSE WE HATE HOW FRENCH PEOPLE DO SHIT. Gordo’s response to this insanity is way more succinct: “God bless America.”
Since it’s a slim chance that Gordo’s going to convince this dope the way they do things in France is ass backwards, he decides to just concentrate on the food. Is everything on the menu stuffed or crusted? No, Michel does a bit of everything! Gordo makes him list every protein on the menu, and every single one is stuffed and/or crusted. And they taste horrible. Michel dozen’t ackgree! It iz a differenz of opinnion! Gordo leaves the kitchen for a breath of fresh air and to bleeeep bleeep bleeeeep to the cameras outside. It’s one thing being a bad cook. That’s solvable, but Michel is batshit crazy. I would tell you the rest but it was all bleeped out.
There are only three tables sat in the restaurant, but still nothing is coming out of the kitchen. Michel is stubborn about doing everything on his own when he’s alone with his staff, but with a camera crew he’s unbearable, not letting Devon the Sous Chef touch anything. Jane tells us that Michel gets jealous and cries if a chef is too good, so Devon stays out of the way. Until Michel decides to go out on the floor and “charm” the customers by spitting all over them, drinking their wine, and arm wrestling the old men. The second he’s out of the kitchen, Devon has twenty sauce pans working and is chopping and dicing like Ratatouille did when all the mean ignorant Frenchies left his kitchen.
Watch out, Dev! You’ll lose your wiener!
Food finally starts coming out while Michel is making his rounds on the dining room floor, claiming to know the people who made the wine a customer complimented and insisting that he invented french fries. He tells the cameras that he likes talking to the customers because it’s good for his ego. God, at least pretend not to be a dick. Gordo’s grade is, hmmmm, I wonder what he’s gonna say, an F. He says that French people may be nasty, but they at least have passion. This man does not! Again, Michel stays quiet in front of Ramsay and then goes and curses out the camera man. I am picturing a meek little guy behind the camera wearing plastic trash bags and goggles. This man’s rants are wetter than the front row at a Shamu show.
Since yelling and cursing be a man you’re shit disgusting talentless sucky suck isn’t working, Gordo tries a unique tactic. He boards up the restaurant and puts FORECLOSED signs all over it so that Michel will know how it’s gonna feel when he loses the place. HAHA. I doubt banks go to the trouble of covering every single inch of foreclosed-on buildings with hundreds of signs, but Ramsay’s not known for his subtlety. He knows Michel’s gonna lose his shit, so he keeps the hammer handy.
Thirty minutes late for work, Michel drives up in his black Mercedes and starts screaming in his car when he sees the signs. He almost starts screaming at Gordo, but then he notices the hammer in his hand so he saves his rant for the poor cameraman, who’s gotta be feeling at least a little bit insecure by this time. There is nothing constructive about ruining his reputation in a small town! Now everyone will be saying that his restaurant isn’t doing well! Don’t worry, I’m sure even if they do start saying that, your average customer won’t hear it. Besides, anyone who would pay for a tiny slice of strawberry with cheese on top has given up on life and will continue coming to the restaurant even if you cooked up Jane and plated her.
What are you smiling at? He didn’t say you were special, he said you were the special. Don’t flatter yourself.
Gordo didn’t actually nail any of the boards or signs in, he was just joshin! Hope you learned something! After the set pieces are moved away, it’s time to go to the kitchen and get down to work. Gordo teaches the staff to make simple dishes, like roasted chicken and onion soup. Uhh, are you just gonna pull out the same bag of tricks for every episode? I’m waiting for him to suggest a wood burning oven for margherita pizzas.
A few new specials on the menu, it’s time for dinner service. At first, the customers are loving the new food and it’s selling well, but it doesn’t take long for Michel to let the tickets start piling up. He has two sous chefs at his side, but he just curses at them when they offer to help, and since no one else can understand what the hell he’s saying, they don’t hear him when he starts 86ing food. Twenty minutes after announcing that specials are over, the waiters keep giving the customers the hard sell only to find out there’s nothing to serve.
Of course Michel’s way of dealing with this is to spit on them and call them idiots. The customers, who are hungry and pissed off, start getting all dramatic for the cameras. The poor waiters are literally crying on the floor while they get their asses handed to them by the fug real people. Sammy keeps switching back and forth between an English and an American accent and gets so discombobulated that she starts babbling fake Spanish and turning in circles for no reason. When Michel yells at Jane, she finally peaces out and runs into the street sobbing, telling us that this is hands down the lowest day of this restaurant’s life. Oh, honey, wait til this episode airs. Today will seem like a birthday party at CiCi’s pizza. She lies down on train tracks, but turns out they’re for a trolley that slows to a stop and refuses to move until she’s out of the way.
Gordo stands back and watches, horrified, and tells us that this is the most unorganized restaurant he’s ever seen. Riiiight. I’ll bet you say that to all the girls. Michel gives up and slams his hands down on the counter. Keetchen is CLOZE! Once Sammy is back down to two accents and Jane is brought in from laying in traffic, Gordo gathers the staff to give them his report. The waiters were taking food out that wasn’t theirs and selling specials that didn’t exist. Communication sucks. Michel, about to pop, shrugs and looks down the line of his staff. “We can all communycade heuh!”
Are you sure you don’t wanna try harder? I think I hear a Greyhound coming.
Gordo just shouts at him to shut up and says that he will make this restaurant a success come hell or high water. Michel looks like he’s considering jumping on top of Ramsay and throttling him, but then he sees that the cameras are still on and holds it in.
Since Michel has been more of an a hole than most of the lunatics the producers found to be on this show, Gordo breaks the format and gathers the staff to remove every single piece of granny china and three inch thick tapestry instead of waiting til they’re all gone to let his crew in. Michel hasn’t had a complete breakdown yet, which just won’t do for Ramsay. He’s going to rub his nose in every moment of this makeover. Michel protests the whole time, but when the giant frog is being carried away, he screams and drops to the floor, kicking and screaming. “NOOOO!!! NOT ZE VROOOGGG!!!”
Once the demolition is complete, they are sent away so that Gordo’s team can rearrange the furniture, change the drapes, and throw some candles on the tables. As usual, the change is dramatic and definitely for the better, and as usual with the owners, Michel is stunned silent at first. And then, HE COMPLAINS!
Now you’re getting it.
After telling Michel tough shit, Gordo gathers the staff to unveil the new menu. Gone is…well, everything that Michel did. It’s all been replaced with simple, non-crusted, non-strawberry and cheesed, unspit on American food. And Ramsay’s brought in a verrry important guest! OOOooooh! I hope it’s the mayor! Better! A food critic! Oh man. Taking away the man’s pride by rewriting his entire menu is one thing, but inviting a critic to review Gordo’s work is just low. I love it! Michel keeps his tail between his legs while the staff high fives each other and giggles like they’ve been given a new lease on life. When he thinks the cameras are all turned off, he pulls out a wallet pic of the fat chef statue and rocks back and forth with it, singing “Frera Jaca”.
The FOX trolley pulls to a stop outside and the real people unload. Gordo stands at the door and every time an old person tries to enter, he flicks them on the forehead and barks “NO.” The restaurant fills to capacity and no one in there looks like they might be having their last meal on Earth tonight. Even Miss California is in the house! She makes being a beauty queen look easy. Like, waaaay too easy. Come on, California, this is the best we could do? Hell, if that bitch can do it, so can I. Vote for Flipit! Speaking of beauty queens…
The place is already packed to capacity when a bus from a local vineyard pulls up and lets more people off! This one isn’t from FOX, and Gordo didn’t know they were coming so some oldies slipped in. Who brings a busload of twenty four people to a restaurant without calling first?
Gordo starts shouting at everyone to keep their calm! Stay cool goddamit just calm down don’t freak out WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! Michel tells him to be quiet in the kitchen. LOL. Then he circles him and gives him the death stare. This guy is a piece of work. He tells us that if Gordo gets in his way tonight, he swears to God he will make him PAY. Back in the kitchen, Gordo flicks his head and says NO. The first round of customers were served without incident, but now it’s time for the food critic.
After the critic finishes choking and spitting out her tuna, Sammy puts on her English high tea accent and asks her if she has any feedback for her because the kitchen wants to know. TACKY!!! The critic says the tuna was way over seasoned. Couldn’t you tell when she was choking on it a second ago? Jane takes the news to the kitchen and puts it as gently as possible. “She hates her food!” Michel, who personally over salted the fish, uses this as an excuse to get rid of the new menu.
He goes up to the critic’s table and asks if she will give him a chance to prepare her his signature deesh. She waves him off, but he won’t leave until he gets a yes. She wipes the spit off her face and sighs. It’s gonna be a long night. Gordo, who is all yelled out for the moment, just puts his head in his hands when Michel says he’s gonna make his nasty ass filet. When it comes up in the window, though, Gordo says he refuses to let it go out. Michel ignores him so Gordo storms out of the kitchen, done. Michel yells after him about how his menu sucked and Julia Child wouldn’t have even let him get to second.
After being reminded that he’s paid a million smacks per finished episode, Gordo comes back into the kitchen for a revenge rant. Michel says that his menu was crap and how dare he try to outcook the Best Chef in Ventura County, 1982? Gordo loses it and puts his finger in his face, and screams as loudly as possible the worst things he could shout with a food critic in the house. “You cook like a pig! Your kitchen is filthy! If it’s your kitchen then clean it you lazy fuck!” Michel’s answer? “NO!” HAHAHAHA. The critic and the real people all hear him, and why they didn’t break into applause is beyond me. Best KN moment of the season. When he’s done dragging what’s left of Frenchie’s reputation through the mud, Gordo storms out. Again.
Sorry to break this to you, hon, but we can still see you.
There are three minutes left in the episode. Miracle Time! Gordo cools off and comes back to the kitchen. For no reason, Michel agrees to not serve his crap dish and stick with the new menu. The food critic calls the new dish brilliant and gives a rousing speech about how anyone can cook and rats are people too. Michel walks around the dining room and asks the real people how they enjoyed their food. They volley around words like “brilliant!” “exquisite!” “best food God himself ever put on the Earth!” Michel, completely offended, asks the hostess if people really liked it and she says they loved it. He wants to be sure….dude, what part of brilliant don’t you hear? He’s offended that people like his place now, but glad he sold over three thousand dollars tonight.
He apologizes to Ramsay and admits that he was wrong. Huh? Where’d this guy come from? He smiles and I get sick to my stomach. I liked the venomous possum face better. In two and a half minutes, the restaurant has become profitable, Jane has become manager, or as she refers to the new title, “Head Bitch”, and Michel and Ramsay have kissed and made up. The End.
Epilogue: I don’t buy it.
What do you want to bet this fat bastard is right where he was before, covered in spit?