PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI…
Scott went ape shit Patrick Bateman American Psycho and smashed the bathroom mirror, injuring his hand so badly that it required surgery. Fry Girl (Kourtney) and Krimace (Kim) fled the condo to the safety of friend Lauren’s yacht.
Meanwhile Mason had problems of his own: being stalked by Joy Behar Monster.
At the end of the episode, Krimace went back to L.A., and it looked like Scott and Fry Girl were over….for now.
AT THE CONDO….
A creepy voice calls out, “Helllloooooooo “. OMG IT’S AUNTIE KHLO-HO!!!
Ohh Khlo-ho thank god you’re back. How we’ve missed you and your intermittent moments of clarity in this crazy Kardashian season.
Hamburglar’s back BITCHES!!!
This family seriously has a thing for wearing stripes.
Fry Girls runs to Khlo-ho and jumps in her arms.
” Khlo-ho – “Did you miss me?” Fry Girl (monotone)- “Sometimes.”
Khlo-ho asks Mason if he missed her.
Mason – “Missed you? No. Could I have used your help? Yes. Step into my Moo Moo Mobile. I have a mission for you.”
Khlo-ho tells us she feels bad for what Fry Girl is currently going through with Scott. She asks Fry Girl how is she doing?
Fry Girl tells Khlo-ho that she hasn’t seen Scott. Scott has stopped drinking and is seeing a therapist. Fry Girl’s plan is not to see Scott for the rest of her stay in Miami.
Khlo-ho asks Fry Girl, besides all the crap with Scott, has she had any fun?
Khlo-ho – “You should totally see ‘Scott Pilgrim Saves the World.’ Btw I downloaded the Michael Cera Mii to my Wii. It looks just freakin’ like him.”
Fry Girl says not since I’ve been dealing with this. Mason starts to speak but Khlo-ho puts a blanket in his mouth.
Mason – “Having fun?!?! She was supposed to take care of fuckin’ Joy… ‘mmphhhhh’”
Khlo-ho tells Mason it’s my mission to make sure your mommy has fun.
Khlo-ho (whispers to Mason) – “While Fry Girl is having fun, I’ll take care of Joy Behar Monster.” Mason nods in approval.
Fry Girl replies that she’s down for a little fun in the sun. Khlo-ho says Fry Girl can start by going to her room while she babysits Mason.
Fry Girl says she’s going to go get a bath. Khlo-ho jokes that Fry Girl is going to get a pretend bath which is code for using her vibrator. Fry Girl snaps don’t tell Mason that.
Fry Girl leaves the room.
Khlo-ho – “So Mason, ready to get rid of that bitch under your crib?” Mason – “You’re an even badder bitch than Betty White. I fucking love you Aunt Khlo-ho.”
Cue opening credits.
Scott is sitting on his bed waiting for someone to pick-up on the other line.
Scott – “You have no idea how fucking hard it was to button up these cuffs and fasten this watch, but it was worth it. I’ve gotten 10 compliments so far this morning and one came from Loni Anderson. Score! She really was too good for that asshole Burt Reynolds. Hello WKRP Cincinnati: BEST SHOW EVER!!”
Finally Fry Girl picks up the other end. She asks how Scott is doing. Scott replies he is just trying to get on with his life and that it hasn’t been that easy being away from her.
Scott – “Or rolling up the bottom of these jeans myself.”
The sound of Mason babbling in the background can be heard. A text message from Mason pops up.
Mason – “Ding dong the bitch is dead.”
Scott smiles. Fry Girl tells him things never work but Scott tells her she can’t avoid him forever.
Mason – “Let go of me. I have to text him how awesome it was when Khlo-ho shoved a hamburger in Behar’s mouth and then shone bright light on her. It was like some shit out of TrueBlood.”
Mason wiggles away and sends Scott this text pic message.
Joy Behar Monster’s melting face.
Fry Girl tells us she wants to be supportive of Scott but not enable him. Fry Girl looks pensive but Mason is in a downright jolly mood over the annihilation of Joy Behar Monster.
Mason (singing)- “Celebrate good times, COME ON!!!”
Scott tells Fry Girl to tell Mason he loves him and hangs up. He says he normally can convince Fry Girl to see him but this time it’s different.
Scott – “Just like this shirt I’m wearing. Because of this injury I’m down to just two mid-day outfit changes. Damn this feeble hand!!!!!
AT THE THERAPIST…
Scott steps into his therapist’s office. He tells us Fry Girl doesn’t want to see him and…
Scott- “I couldn’t take it. I told the camera man help me into this third outfit if you want to keep your spleen!”
Scott, sitting on his therapist’s couch tells us he realizes he’s going to need to make some serious changes like for starters this bottled water.
Scott sipping. “Gah Aquafina??? I wanted San Pellegrino!!”
Scott – “Spring water my ass!”
The therapist asks how is Scott’s hand doing? Scott replies it doesn’t feel terrible, but he’s realizing more and more what nonsense he’s put himself in.
Dr. Carbonell asks Scott to explain what happened.
Scott – “The mirror wouldn’t tell me if I was black or white so I punched it.”
Dr. Carbonell – “No shit.”
Dr. Carbonell asks Scott at the moment did he feel lonely?
“Not lonely. Extreme rage that I got blood on my 1,000 count Egyptian cotton sheets.”
But now that he’s stopped drinking and staying by himself he is actually lonely.
Scott – “I don’t have my little buddy Mason to take to Clinique consultations or sit in the food court and yell at Mary-Kate Olsen to eat a hamburger. Before this happened we were supposed to spend an afternoon in Victoria’s Secret and guess customer breast cup sizes. Mason is seriously awesome at it. Being alone sucks.”
Dr. Carbonell tells Scott he has to be patient because people aren’t going to trust him again overnight. He says Scott has promised to change before and hasn’t. This time he has to go all the way.
Scott – “All the way? Are you propositioning me doctor?”
Dr. Carbonell – “No. It’s a phrase.”
Scott – “Good because I’m not Eric Northman. I don’t swing both ways, and I wouldn’t hesitate to stake you just like Talbot.”
AT THE CONDO…
Fry Girl is holding Mason while Khlo-ho is standing in the doorway checking her phone for messages.
Mason – “Do you feel it? There’s a malevolent presence nearby. It’s coming closer.”
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! Fry Girl says “ooohh” and jumps up.
Mason – “Oomph my face!!” Khlo-ho – “Aha!! Now I am the Mayor of Foursquare!!”
Fry Girl opens the door and screaming fills the hallway.
Mason – “Arrghh don’t you check the peephole before opening the door?”
It’s Kendall and Kylie!!!! AND GOTH RONALD (KRIS)!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!
Goth Ronald – “Check out my new animal print dress. Think we should upgrade from stripes to this?”
Kendall and Kylie swarm Mason.
Kendall – “Hi, Mason.” Mason – “Hello, Kendall.”
More girls surround Mason.
Mason – “Argghh getting claustrophobic, and who are the two grenades?” Fry Girl – “Grenades??” Mason – “You need to watch ‘Jersey Shore,’ woman.”
Then Khlo-ho, Kendall, Kylie and the two grenades form a circle and chant, “We’re in Miami right now, we’re in Miami right now.”Mason – “Ugghh it’s just like a scene out of “Practical Magic.”
Khlo-ho takes the girls out onto the balcony and tells them the other day these people were having sex out on the balcony butt-naked.
Khlo-ho crouches down and yells “Show me your penis!!!” The guy looks over and Khlo-ho screams “oh he looked” and everyone runs away.
Then Khlo-ho takes the girls into a bedroom and tells them we saw the neighbors having sex from here.
One of the grenades walks up to the window and asks Khlo-ho if the neighbors can see them. Khlo-ho lies and tells her “No, these windows are tinted.”
The grenade screams, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!” and waves. Then the neighbor waves back.
Grenade – “Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! He saw me!!!!!!!!!”
And the girls run from the room.
“Hurry before he floats over to the window like Michael (Jason Patric) in “Lost Boys”. RIP Corey Haim.”
Up on the roof Fry Girl is showing Goth Ronald the Hot Tub Time Machine.
Goth Ronald – “Ooo a hot tub.” Mason – “Watch out it’ll try to sell you pot.”
Goth Ronald asks Fry Girl, “So what’s going on? Where’s Scott?” Fry Girl tells Goth Ronald, “Don’t play dumb, you know what’s going on.”
Goth Ronald drops the nice facade and gets real. “Yeah, I know there’s a lot of drama going on.”
Goth Ronald – “Krimace emailed me everything. Scott has been smashing his hand through glass plate mirrors.”
Fry Girl – “But Goth Ronald, the mirror wouldn’t tell him if he was black or white.” Mason – “Jesus Christ, is that what that was about? He’s white. I’ll send him a text message.”
Goth Ronald tells Fry Girl, “You don’t want to hear me tell you, I told you so.” Mason pipes up, “I do.” Goth Ronald puts a cloth over Mason’s mouth.
Mason – “What?!?! oomph mmmphhh.”
Fry Girl asks Goth Ronald is that why she came. Goth Ronald says she didn’t fly across the country to check on Scott.
Mason – “Yes, she did.” Fry Girl – “I know.” Goth Ronald – “What did you say?” Mason- “I said ‘she bop-he bop-a-we bop, I bop-you-bop-a-they bop.” Goth Ronald – “You let him listen to Cyndi Lauper?”
Goth Ronald tells Fry Girl she needs to get out of this toxic situation. Fry Girl gets defensive and tells Goth Ronald she hasn’t seen Scott at all.
Fry Girl tells us they’re getting ready to go back to L.A. so they need to have a final evaluation of all of the employees.
Fry Girl asks Josefina if they are all out of water.
Josefina – “Did you say vodka?”
“Ohh you mean water. Almost. We’re getting more Monday,” replies Josefina.
Fry Girl asks how the store has been going. Josefina says great, really busy. Fry Girl asks for Josefina’s opinion about the girls. The only one Josefina has concerns about is Jacqui (remember Jacqui called Josefina a dude).
Josefina says Jacqui is out of control. She says someone stole a romper (gasp! that thieving tramp in an adult baby outfit!) and Jacqui was totally indifferent about it.
Fry Girl says she wants to make sure all of their ducks are in a row. Khlo-ho gasps “OMG!! Fry Girl just said a quote that Goth Ronald says at least once a week.”
Khlo-ho – “She’s turning into Goth Ronald!!!”
Khlo-ho asks “Is that what happens when you have kids?: Fry Girl laughs “Maybe.”
Khlo-ho and Goth Ronald are chilling poolside. Goth Ronald is rocking some cop glasses.
Goth Ronald – “I can look into the sun and its rays won’t burn my eyes. In fact, the sun cowers and that my friends is where a solar eclipse comes from: a Goth Ronald stare down.”
Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald that her personality is completely different with Scott gone. Goth Ronald tells Khlo-ho she can’t even imagine what it must have been like living with Scott.
Khlo-ho admits it was pretty awful. Goth Ronald demands a run-down of what’s been going on with everyone. She’s pissed that the only source of info has been Krimace.
Goth Ronald “And you know I have to go through 15 perfume sample update emails and ass pics before I get any real gossip.”
Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald she should give Fry Girl some credit though. Since Fry Girl has had Mason she is stronger.
Goth Ronald scoffs that’s what everybody thinks, something horrible could happen.
Goth Ronald – “Look what just happened to Mason. Fry Girl didn’t even defend him. What if Elizabeth Hasselbeck shows up under his crib next?” Khlo-ho – “Shit! I didn’t think about that. We need to blow up those other dimensional stairs under the crib.”
Goth Ronald vows to get asshole Scott out of this city. Khlo-ho says Goth Ronald is being a little dramatic. Goth Ronald demands to know where Scott is staying. Khlo-ho replies she thinks it’s the Viceroy.
Goth Ronald – “Excellent. Info has been deposited into my memory bank.”
AT THE VICEROY…
Goth Ronald pulls up. She’s wearing black and white stripes. Damn! She means business.
Goth Ronald – “Brass studded shoulder pads…check. Brass knuckles…in my purse.”
Goth Ronald tells us Scott has gone wayyyy too far this time, and he better listen to what she has to say.
Because Goth Ronald will cut a bitch with a 30-day-old french fry!
Goth Ronald knocks on Scott’s door. Scott yells, “Who’s there?”
Goth Ronald (disguises voice) – “Delivery from Saks.”
Scott – “OMG It’s Beetle Juice!!!”
Cornered, Scott lets Goth Ronald into his hotel room. Scott asks if Goth Ronald would like some water. She replies no thanks.
Goth Ronald says this won’t take long. She’s here to offer Scott a piece of advice.
Scott – “On eyeliner? Because you know I’m not Jared Leto.”
Goth Ronald – “Actually no. But now that you mention it, Leto does pull off a great smoky eye.”
Goth Ronald tells Scott that she thinks that things have gotten out of hand and that he needs to take care of himself before he takes care of anybody else. Scott says that’s what he’s doing.
Goth Ronald says maybe it’s not such a good idea to do it in Miami.
Goth Ronald – “You’re bringing all of us down.”
Scott – “No, that would be gravity.”
Scott tells Goth Ronald that he’s in therapy and doesn’t need another person bringing him down. Goth Ronald becomes emotional and starts tearing up and tells him “This is my family and it upsets her.” Scott agrees it is upsetting.
Goth Ronald tells him she has done some research and has some information she printed out for him on some retreats. The retreats are not in Miami.
Goth Ronald hands the info to Scott.
Scott – “Alaska!?!? You want to send me to fucking Sarah Palin country?!??!”
Scott puts the papers on a chair.
Scott – “Do you seriously think I’m going to go to a place where people still dress like ’90s ‘Northern Exposure.’ Bleh!”
Goth Ronald tells Scott that she can’t make him go, but he has to change his ways or she can’t have him in her life. As Goth Ronald leaves, she tells him “Actions speak louder than words.” Ughh and so does wearing that dress.
The prison train caboose leaves the station…
Scott tells us “Here’s my actions,” and he walks out onto the balcony and throws the rehab papers over the side.
Someone below yells “Ooo, it’s raining rehab hallelujah it’s raining rehab!!!”
IN THE CAR…
Fry Girl is telling Khlo-ho she can’t believe what Josefina said about Jacqui. Khlo-ho asks Fry Girl what is she going to do? Fry Girl is like what do you mean what am I going to do? Khlo-ho is like you hired Jacqui.
Khlo-ho says she doesn’t know how to fire someone. Fry Girl tells Khlo-ho to turn it around and tell Jacqui “You’re too good for this.” Khlo-ho grumbles “I always have to do your dirty work.”
Fry Girl snickers “I hire them, you fire them.”
AT THE VICEROY…
Scott calls Fry Girl. He tells her how Goth Ronald ambushed him in his hotel room. Fry Girl is like WTF!?!??! Scott tells her he assumed that Fry Girl told Goth Ronald where he was staying.
Fry Girl tells Scott she had no idea and she specifically told Goth Ronald to stay out of it.
Scott says he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He has enough to deal with.
Scott – “I know what’ll cheer me up. Some Sour Patch Kids and ‘Bridezillas.’ I love when those bitches flip out. If I ever get married I’m gonna pitch ‘Groomzillas.’”
AT THE CONDO…
Fry Girl arrives home with Mason and tells Khlo-ho, “You don’t know what a psycho Goth Ronald is.”
Khlo-ho (yawn) “Uh yeah I do.”
Fry Girl recaps what Scott told her.
Mason – “What’s with the blanket over the stroller? I’m not a bird!!! This won’t make me go to sleep!!”
Khlo-ho tells the camera Goth Ronald’s meddling is only going to push Fry Girl and Scott back together.
Then Khlo-ho comes up with this gem, “You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.” Fry Girl replies “That brings me such peace.” LOLZ.
Khlo-ho is nervous to fire Jacqui. She has heard all of these horrible ex-employee stories like mailmen shooting up the place.
Khlo-ho – “What if she’s been listening to Eminem and decides to set DASH on fire?”
Jacqui arrives and Khlo-ho asks about the shop-lifting incident. Khlo-ho chickens out and in a weird way ends up giving Jacqui more hours and promoting her to a manager? WTF??? Khlo-ho says she needs to take a firing class.
Goth Ronald is sunbathing without any sun?
Goth Ronald – “No, I just stared down the sun again.”
Fry Girl shows up ranting and raving about Goth Ronald going to see Scott.
Mason – “Again with the covering. I’M NOT A BIRD!!!!”
Fry Girl says she’s an adult and a mother, and Goth Ronald needs to stay out it. Ooo then Fry Girl says “What do you wish that Mason was never born?” Goth Ronald is like “No ,I never said that.” Then Fry Girl says “Scott is Mason’s father, and I’m Mason’s mother, and I know what’s best for Mason.”
Fry Girl takes Mason and leaves.
Khlo-ho and Goth Ronald are shopping. Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald she really put her foot in her mouth this time by interfering with Fry Girl and Scott.
Khlo-ho tells Goth Ronald the plan backfired so Goth Ronald has to take an oath.
Goth Ronald – “I Goth Ronald swear to you Khlo-ho that I will 95 percent of the time bite my tongue when it comes to my children’s relationships.”
Khlo-ho laughs and says she wishes she had a bible they could swear on.
IN THE CAR…
Fry Girl is telling Khlo-ho she loves her new earrings.
Khlo-ho – “Glad you do because mine are weighing my head down to the side.”
Fry Girl can’t believe that Khlo-ho didn’t fire Jacqui. She wants Khlo-ho to practice firing Jacqui on her.
Fry Girl does a spot on impression of Jacqui and Khlo-ho still can’t fire fake Jacqui.
Jacqui is balancing a broom on her hand. The girls don’t think it’s a good idea, but Jacqui says hey we don’t have any customers.
Jacqui – “I got this…I got this. Hellz yeah BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS!!”
Then Khlo-ho walks in. She tells Jacqui to meet her in the back when she’s done cleaning.
Jacqui goes in the back after Khlo-ho and tells her she’s really nervous. Khlo-ho is like don’t be nervous but I have to let you go from DASH.
Jacqui’s just been fired face. Also her stoned face, Grey Goose face and impression of Megan Fox constipated.
Jacqui admits that she isn’t cut out for bitch work. Khlo-ho is relieved that Jacqui took it so well.
AT THE CONDO…
Fry Girl asks Kendall, Kylie and the Grenades if they would like a drink. Goth Ronald goes up to Fry Girl and apologizes for the Scott incident. Goth Ronald’s plan is to use reverse psychology.
Goth Ronald gets ready to leave but admits she doesn’t want to go and that she’s going to cry.
Mason – “Put me down Goth Ronald, before you get mascara all over my white polo.”
Everyone – “Bye!!!” Mason – “Thank god they’re leaving. Now I can watch Phineas and Ferb in peace.”
Next week on the season finale looks like Fry Girl and Scott meet face-to-face and Khlo-ho fears that Fry Girl is going to stay behind. Toodles!!!