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Hey guys it’s Swellmel again. Flipit has given me the greenlight to takeover recapping “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” for the rest of the season.
PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI
Khloe pays a visit to the delicious hamburger Zip Lock brains of John Wayne Gacy while Scott and his band of merry Tea-baggers round up Kourtney’s Dash Girls and have a “soft opening” of Club MIA. At the club opening, Scott calls Dash girl Katy a prostitute and then gives himself a “man-gina” to apologize. Kourtney finds out and gets pissed at Scott, baby Mason thinks his family is fucking crazy and oh yeah, Khloe tries to warn everyone within a 10-mile radius of her that Scott is a Patrick Bateman sociopath. Good times.
JEALOUSLY MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER…
The title of this week’s episode is ominous. I think Kourt is going to try to enact some sweet revenge Fry Girl style against Scott. Yet somehow I think this is going to backfire on her like that time Melrose Place’s Alison tried to make Billy jealous by dating her sex and alcohol addicted rehab roommate. Btw was it just me or was Alison the most annoying character ever? I still want to know how the fuck did she oust Amanda and become President of D&D in Season 3? Alison was an alcoholic ex-secretary who didn’t come to work half the time because she was with Keith, Zach, Steve or on a drinking binge or pretending to still be blind, etc.
Anyway, enough of my Melrose Place rant.
Proper British music plays and young chaps on ponies play polo. Khlo-ho asks Kourtney which is her favorite horse and Kourtney says that one. Way to be specific Kourtney. Khloe sighs and says he’s so hot.
With an ass as fine as that you know E! had to trademark it.
“He really is” seconds Kourtney. Scott and Mason, who by the way must have been dressed by Daddy Scott today, are confused by Kourtney and Khloe’s fawning over the horse. Check it out, both Mason and Scott have the same expression.
What’s the big deal? It’s just a fucking a horse. If you want to see a hot horse check out Sarah Jessica Parker.
Kourtney and Khloe walk over to the polo players. One of the guys asks them if it is their first polo match? Khloe responds “it’s my first but Kourtney has been before.”
Kourtney walks up to the horse, touches it and exclaims “OHH THEY’RE SOO WET.” Cue the Ron Jeremy music…
Polo guy asks the girls if they’re interested in some riding lessons. Kourtney is afraid and Khloe wants to know why. Well, this one time…at band camp….
In the background, Scott is holding Mason at a weird angle and appears to be eyeballing measurements.
Yes, I think I can get my pink suit in baby size for you.
Polo Guy… we’ll call him Jockey Nicodemus (on break from the Secret of NIMH), finally convinces Kourtney to ride his Ginuwine Pony. His saddle is waiting….come jump on it…
Kourtney has issues putting on her riding hat. She exclaims “whose head does this fit?” I wonder if she said the same thing to Scott? Hmm well, that explains how Mason got here.
Jiminy crickets this jimmy hat is too small.
Kourtney finally gets her jimmy hat on and Scott yells for her to hold on tight to which Jockey Nicodemus replies “will do.” Sometimes Scott can be so self-absorbed.
Kourt Kourt manages to hit a ball (yay something she’s good at) and Khloe smiles approvingly while Scott and Mason are having a deep conversation.
He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour. (Mason pukes) Yes, Mason, I think Costello reeks of vomit too.
Khloe tells the camera that Jockey Nicodemus is totally flirting and ‘David Copping-a-feel’ but Scott is such a dumbass that he doesn’t see it.
IN THE CAR…
On their way home from the polo match, Khloe and Kourtney discuss Jockey Nicodemus. Khloe asks if he was holding Kourtney and Kourtney says that he was. In fact, she tells Khloe the whole thing was like a sexual experience.
Then Scott from the back seat suddenly chimes in “I’m kinda in the mood for a taco.” LOLZ
Mmmm.. Damn Scott, you may be a sociopath, but you’re right. I could so go for a Moe’s Funkmeister combo right now!!!
Cue opening credits….
WALKING THE STREETS OF MIAMI…
Khloe, Kourtney and Mason are out for a stroll. Khloe is gushing how she is so excited to be going home to Lamar and to sleep with him in their bed… Mason looks displeased.
Hey Miss Piggy, can you lay off the sex talk? I just ate and don’t want to spit up Gerber all over my new threads from Poppa Scott.
Kourtney tells the camera that she is “letting” Khloe go home to see Lamar. Aha so it is true! The Fry Kids do control the Hamburglar!
It’s easy to get hamburger addicts to do what you want. Just ask Popeye and Wimpy.
Kourtney says Khloe has to come right back because there is a lot of work to do at DASH. Khloe changes the subject and asks Kourt if she had fun at the polo match. Kourtney did but mentions that Scott didn’t get jealous.
Khloes shouts “he should be riding your nut sack” and Kourtney laughs, “Riding my nuts. Like I was riding that horse.”
Poor Mason is once again caught in the middle of this hot mess.
Mason – “I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah”
Electronic music begins to play. Oh yeah!!! Sounds like a mother fucking montage is coming…
HEADING HOME TO L.A.
We are treated to a sweet montage of airports, planes, automobiles and Rodeo Drive. Finally, we are at Khloe and Lamar’s house.
KHLOE AND LAMAR’S HOUSE
Lamar opens the front door, grunts like Shrek and then yells “YOOOOO!!!”
The Big Bad Wolf is home. Where’s my little piggy?
Get out! You can’t come in, not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.
Nah I’m just playing. Seriously I’m just playing!!! Help!!
LATER THAT NIGHT…RUB-A-DUB-DUB TWO DUDES IN A TUB…
Lamar and Khloe are luxuriating in the tub. I wonder if they have any of those ’80s Scribble Sticks bath tub crayons. Remember those? If you don’t check out this link. The commercial is hilarious!
Anyway, back to Khloe and Lamar. Khlo-ho asks Lamar if he would like bubble hair. Ohhhhohoho.
Thank you, Boo. Later you’re gonna get something real special…hows about a pearl necklace?
Btw I have to point this out. What the hell is on Lamar’s chest? It looks like a demonic Cabbage Patch Kid chilling above his nipple.
And this here is “Boobie Smalls”. Watch out cause this bitch gives mean purple nurples.
Lamar tells Khloe the plan was when he goes on the road, she goes on the road and when he’s home, she’s home. Hmm on one hand you gotta like that Lamar wants her around because he’s less likely to pull a Tiger Woods. On the other hand, to me at least, all that time together would be smothering.
Khloe tells Lamar she doesn’t want to go back to Miami. Also have you noticed since Khloe has been around Lamar, she has been talking nonstop in a babytalk voice? Khloe, you are showing sociopathic tendencies. Remember what Lamar said:
Khlo-ho, if your stupid ass tries to kill me, there’s gonna be a whole lot of Chocolate Rain hurt up in this mofo. You feel me?
Lamar tells her “it’s all good though” and Khloe repeats “I don’t want to go back to Miami” and Lamar repeats “it’s all good though” and Khloe…
OMG enough you two round robins!!!
Finally, Khloe says “give me kissy” and the two Mr. Bubbles make-out in the tub.
Then the action moves from the bathroom to the closet??!?! Those poor shoes and clothes. It’s bad enough that they have to cloth those two bodies but now they have to see Lamar and Khloe bump uglies.
If you think that’s bad imagine what we see on a daily basis in the kitchen. Blanky can’t even sit at the kitchen table anymore…
Fortunately for the occupants of the closet, Rob Kardashian arrives in the nick-of-time to cock block Lamar and Khlo-ho.
I owed the Brave Little Toaster a favor.
Rob asks if Khloe and Lamar always hang out in the closet in their towels. I don’t know Rob, maybe you should get a nanny-cam and find out.
Khloe tells the camera that Lamar felt sorry for Rob and invited him to stay with them. Khloe is on the fence about the situation. She’s a newly wed and wants alone time.
Rob asks Lamar if he is interested in some NBA game time. Lamar is like hellz yeah he loved to play some video games! Unfortunately, he has to play Dr. Feelgood with Khloe first.
Back to Khloe. She tells the camera she got lucky with Rob living with them. Yay!
Then a montage of Rob and Khloe arguing plays for our viewing pleasure.
Khloe – “Get out of my shower.” Rob – “Don’t you knock?” Khloe -”Shut up baby dick”. Rob – “Hey the water was cold, ho-bucket!”
It’s called the Happy Hands Club, Khloe! No, it’s not gay! See it goes like this…
Rob – “Khloe! Water would be nice!” Khloe – “You’re such a waste of space!” Rob – “Damn! See that? I totally out-performed you! I’m the KING OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3!!!!”
Khloe to Lamar “I’m wearing the leopard panties you like. Rarrrr”. Rob- “Khloe, stop being a whore!!!”
BACK IN MIAMI AT DASH…
Kourtney asks Danielle who sent her the flowers and Danielle replies her boyfriend. Kourtney says awwww.
Danielle says her boyfriend has two phones and the other day she heard him talking to his ex-girlfriend on the Palm Pre. Say what? Uh oh. Those were apology flowers.
Kourtney doesn’t care though and starts talking about herself. She tells the DASH Girls that the other day this guy, Jockey Nicodemus, was flirting hardcore with her in front of Scott, but Scott didn’t get jealous.
The girls are horrified and say “what a douche.”
Kourtney tells them that Scott now only seems to get jealous of Kourtney interacting with other girls. (Kourt flashes back to Scott getting jealous).
DASH girl Jacqui tells Kourtney to definitely have a Girls Night but not at MIA because that place sucked.
My retinas are still recovering from the laser lights, and I’ve been having Matilda Bay Wine Cooler nightmares.
BACK IN L.A. AT LAMAR AND KHLOE’S…
Khloe is speaking in baby talk again. Uh oh! Hide the kitchen knives Lamar!! Hamburglar is jonesing…
Khloe and Lamar: The Early Years…
Khloe and Lamar are cuddling on the couch and Khloe attempts to broach the subject of Rob being a pain in the ass cock block. Lamar thinks it’s cool though that Rob is living with them; Lamar who is an only child thinks of Rob like a little brother.
And Khloe can sorta relate since she comes from a family of 10.
Seacrest is now a member of the family? Sorry Broday, you’ve been replaced.
Montage of Rob and Lamar doing brotherly things.
Let’s go play laser tag! Alright!!!
BACK IN MIAMI: KOURTNEY’S CONDO…
Fry Girl Kourt is reading Life & Style Mag and chatting with her friend Jackie on the phone. Jackie is the girl from last season that Kourtney made out with that resulted in Scott screaming with jealously, “WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO?”
I like to read.
Jackie tells Kourtney she is singing and has a boyfriend now. Kourtney is like no way!
So I guess she pulled an Anne Heche and wandered around aimlessly from house to house claiming to be kidnapped by aliens, stopped by “Men in Trees” and bam landed a singing contract and a man.
Kourtney and Khloe make plans to catch up later.
BACK IN L.A. AT KHLOE AND LAMAR’S CRIB…
Rob and Lamar are playing video games while Khloe’s bitch face continues to grow.
Lamar is chanting “It’s amazing how I keep winning. How I’m the best at 2K10.”
“Put it in the hoop like slam! And that’s how I beat Shaq”- Aaron Carter
Khloe interrupts and says “we should buy more books.” Lamar replies “ummmm.’
I wouldn’t mind having a Harry Potter book club. You down Lamar?
Ohhh yeah H.P.!!! I still can’t believe Harry was a horcrux. That shit blew my mind. Oops did I spoil it for you Khlo-ho?
Lamar, how could you ruin H.P. for me? HOW COULD YOU!!!
Hold up. How long has the seventh book been out for and you still haven’t read it? Khlo-ho, I’m ordering advance tickets for Deathly Hallows as soon as those bitches go on sale. You better finish that book before November!
Khloes promises and then changes the subject by promising Lamar sexy time in the other room. Lamar is like sure, but first I got to finish this game.
Khloe leaves to go freshen up. 10 minutes later and Khloe is sitting alone in bed. Frustrated she calls her friend Malika.
Malika, is it possible for women to get blue balls?
Khloe vents to Malika about Rob and Lamar spending too much time together. Malika tells Khloe to go into Rob’s room, grab Lamar by the hand and take him back to the bedroom. Of course Khloe doesn’t listen to Malika.
BACK IN MIAMI AT BALANS…
Kourtney’s friend Jackie is performing. Afterwards Jackie comes over and the two catch-up. Then the moment we all know is coming arrives. Kourtney wants to use Jackie to make Scott jealous.
Wait! What?!?!? Isn’t Scott a psychopath?
No, he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t kill.
Ohhh okay. I guess I’ll come over.
BACK IN L.A.
Khloe and Malika are at the food store shopping. Khloe is still bitching about Rob and says that it makes her want to kill Rob. Watch it Khloe.Your sociopathic tendencies are evolving to psychopathic ones.
BACK IN MIAMI AT KOURTNEY’S CONDO…
I’d like a hotel room, please, with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it!
Kourtney and Jackie order champagne, chocolate covered strawberries and scatter their clothes and shoes throughout the condo. Then they hop in the Hot Tub Time Machine and wait for Scott to come home.
Careful not to turn it on unless you want to feed an ATM a cat tonight.
Scott comes around the corner and is perplexed to see Kourtney and a mysterious woman in his Hot Tub Time Machine.
St. Richard Grieco! WTF is this?!?!?!
Kourtney and Jackie pretend to be tipsy and flirty in front of Scott. Scott tells the camera that Kourtney is in his Hot Tub Time Machine with her little kissing buddy.
Earlier when we were trying on suits Mason warned me you were up to something Kourtney. Btw Mason wants less bulky diapers. The ones you’re buying make his ass look big in his new trousers. Get on that.
Scott tells the camera he wasn’t born yesterday and if Kourtney is trying to pull a fast one he promises he will pull one right back, twice as bad.
Scott leaves the patio and returns a couple minutes later. He tells Kourtney and Jackie, “I thought it was two for the price of one night” and promptly disrobes.
Girls you know it’s true…ooo ooo ooo… I can bang both of you!
Kourtney looks disgusted as Scott tells them “get to work lovely ladies”.
Jackie and Kourtney quickly leave the Hot Tub Time Machine. Jackie goes inside, gathers up her things and leaves.
Scott realizes he once again has gone too far and is in the dog house with Fry Girl. Afraid Kourtney is going to punish him by not letting him take Mason to Saks tomorrow, Scott does damage control.
He asks Kourtney why she is playing games, and Kourtney tells him he doesn’t get jealous anymore.
Scott tells her you know I try to stick it to you whenever I can. LOLZ. He goes on to tell her that he finds her hot even when she is changing diapers, especially his.
I call it Dirty Diaper Time. Do I make you horny baby, yeah!
BACK AT KHLOE AND LAMAR’S…
Lamar and Khloe come home to find Rob with a girl in their bedroom. Khloe is horrified. Lamar is proud to see his little bro being a playa.
Clearly we aren’t doing anything. I mean her face is blurred. Wouldn’t that tell you she’s a butterface?
Khloe has a good point. This girl could be taking pictures and making up stories that she’ll sell to the tabloids.
Khloe tells Rob to get the fuck out her house by tomorrow morning.
Lamar and Khloe head back to their bedroom where Lamar tries to diffuse the situation by telling Khloe he sorta told Rob he could use their room.
Lamar says he didn’t know exactly what Khloe wanted and that they should give Rob a second chance.
Khloe agrees but still wants to punish Rob by making him pack up his things and think that he’s still moving out in the morning. Lamar tells Khloe she’s cold-blooded and they both growl and then well…thank god the camera zooms in on this cat statue.
If I wasn’t made of gemstone I would be crying right now.
THE NEXT MORNING…
Rob is packing up when Khloe and Lamar walk in. Khloe tells Rob that she is trying to work on her communication skills. She starts by expressing how she feels when she is in town for only two days and Rob and Lamar only want to play video games. She tells Rob that he shouldn’t encourage Lamar to play video games.
Lamar interjects “Encourage? I’m a grown man”.
Khloe says she’ll give Rob a second chance and now it’s time for her to leave and head home to Miami.
Lamar has practice but Rob eagerly volunteers to drive Khloe to the airport. With Khloe gone, Lamar and Rob can play video games 24/7 and host Harry Potter Book Clubs.
Back to Miami bitches.
Tune in next week when Kourtney goes Olivia Newton John/Jane Fonda/Richard Simmons exercise crazy and Khlo-ho and Kourt face-off about DASH.