PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI…
Khlo-ho Hamburglar went home to Lamar, and Kim a.k.a. Krimace came to take her place. Kourt Fry Girl was expecting to bond with Krimace, but Krimace was too attached to her blackberry to notice. Goth Ronald (Kris) instructed Fry Girl to steal Krimace’s blackberry and laptop in order to induce quality Fry Kid bonding time. Once Krimace got over the initial shock, she spent some quality time with Fry Girl.
Meanwhile at DASH, Katy had an STD scare which Jacqui ended up telling the entire store about. Awkward.
Scott was largely absent during this episode, only popping up at the end to make a Clinique consultation appointment for him and McNugget Mason.
AT A ‘KATE’ MOSS COVERED MANSION…
Krimace and Fry Girl are chilling in a pool with Mason.
Krimace – “Kourt are you sure Mason should be wearing all those clothes?” Kourtney – “Mason refused to wear anything else. Apparently Scott told him bucket hats are making a comeback.”
Krimace tells Kourtney she thought she’d be married with two kids by the time she was 30. Hey, Krimace that is almost exactly the same thing that Jessica Simpson recently said. Maybe you two should start a club.
Fry Girl is like “oh?” Krimace tells her “plus when you’re pregnant you get huge tits.” Kourtney is like “like yours aren’t already?” Once again Mason looks extremely irritated to be caught in the middle of these two.
Krimace, her boobs are huge b.c. they’re filled with tequila and silicone. Damn it my bucket hat is askew!
Krimace tells the camera that Mason is the cutest baby EVER!!!
I just want to put him in a basket and go somewhere over the rainbow with him. Ooo look there’s a rainbow behind me right now!
Montage of Mason being cute. Krimace tells Mason “YOU’RE SO CUTE! I WANT ONE OF YOU!!! I WANT TO KIDNAP YOU!!!”
Fry Girl tells the camera Scott is an awesome father. Flash to Kourtney and Scott preparing Mason for a bath.
(Scott manipulating Mason’s face) Scott – “See Mason, this is how you make a bitch face. When that prick in Saks refuses to honor your 50% off Burberry tie, because he says it was wrongly tagged, make this face and say ‘I like to dissect girls. Did you know I’m utterly insane?’ I promise you he’ll honor the discount.”
As Kourtney washes Mason in the hot tub, she asks Mason if he likes that.
Actually, hurry up. I have to. return. some. videotapes.
“Hah! Did you hear that Kourt? They learn so fast!”
As Kourtney continues bathing Mason, Scott says he wishes someone would wash him in a hot tub.
Fry Girl tells the camera Scott is doing so well right now. I feel a Scott montage coming on.
Flash of Scott working at Club MIA.
I’m working here because I. Want. To. Fit. In.
Flash of Scott working it on the red carpet.
It’s easy to do both when you have a Hot Tub Time Machine.
Kourtney tells the camera although she and Scott and have had their issues in the past, he’s a changed man.
Scott – “Kourt, I’ve decided to give Huey Lewis a chance.”
Fry Girl says they’re in a really good place as Scott begins to tell Mason a story, a story that I will quote unedited and verbatim:
Once upon a time baby Mason, there were three little stars. One day, one of the stars had you.
But she doesn’t take care of daddy much anymore so, that’s why daddy has to go to the bathroom sometimes and take care of himself.
Jesus Christ!! TMI
Cue opening credits.
AT THE CONDO….
It’s 9:08 a.m. according to the Dream Machine clock, and Scott is still in bed. Fry Girl peeks in on him.
She asks him what time he got in, and Scott says doesn’t even know what day it is.
Fry Girl asks him if he plans on sleeping all day.
“Maybe… I might ‘Dream a Little Dream’ with the Coreys.”
Fry Girl gets up and Scott says “You’re a hot mama…a MILF. Wait where are you going?”
Fry Girl tells Scott she has to go buy furniture for DASH. Furniture for DASH? People go into buy clothes not have tea and crumpets. And don’t tell me it’s for the mannequins. They’re headless and their limbs don’t bend.
Scott tells Fry Girl to spend the day in bed with him, but she laughs and tells him she lurves him and to get up.
Scott tells her she’s not the boss of him. He’s the boss of him:
Scott, Club MIA was a blast, but if you’re looking for a real scene you must check out Dorsia.
Fry Girl closes the door.
AT ELDORADO FURNITURE
Where 30+ desperados go to find men so they can get married and have children.
Krimace asks Fry Girl for her thoughts on this triangular table.
Billy Idol Guitar Pick table. White Wedding guaranteed or your money back.
Fry Girl crosses her arms and mutters “that’s one thought.” Kourt tells the camera she took Krimace with her to Eldorado to pick up new tables and chairs for DASH (and perhaps a new man for Krimace).
Kourt Kourt gets a call from Scott. He wants to know when she’ll be home. Turns out Scott has a meeting and needs Fry Girl to watch Mason.
Fry Girl tells Scott she has meetings with buyers too, but she’ll figure it out. Fry Girl tells Krimace she’ll just bring little McNugget with her to the meetings.
Krimace tells Fry Girl not to worry, she’ll play nanny.
I’ve seen Fran Drescher in “The Nanny.” How hard can it be?
Kourtney asks Krimace what’s the longest time she’s been with a baby before, and Reggie doesn’t count. ‘chortle’ chortle’
Krimace says for a few hours.
AT THE CONDO…
Whoa uber bright colors today, Scott!!! Scott tells Mason he’s sorry but he has to go bye-byes for a little bit.
“Don’t worry little buddy, I’m ‘not returning some videos tapes’ on you. Daddy has to go work it like Missy Elliott.”
Mason – “Please don’t leave me with Krimace! Can’t you be like a Kanga and carry me around like Roo?”
“Mason, Daddy adds some Aussie roo to his ‘do, but that doesn’t make him a kangaroo.”
Mason yelps and Scott says laters and leaves. As Mason wiggles to get free, Krimace tells Mason he’s such a squirmy little wormy today.
Krimace tells the camera it must be really frustrating for Kourt to change all of her plans around.
Krimace decides to take a shower and brings Mason into the bathroom with her. Mason shields his eyes with his blanket.
Mason – “Eww Brigitte Nielsen put some clothes on. This isn’t Surreal Life.”
Mason – “Krimace, you realize with this set-up and from this camera angle I could be Norman Bates.”
Mason – “We all go a little mad sometimes… Haven’t you?”
AT VICEROY HOTEL AND SPA…
Fry Girl is meeting with Angela from Beach Bunny Design.
My vision board is telling me LOTS of turquoise this season.
AT CLUB MIA…
Scott tells the camera he is at Club MIA early to take care of all the VIP treatments such as the way to get them in and out of the club.
Lure them in by promising them a reservation at Dorsia. Get them beyond drunk and tell them they’re at Dorsia. Kick them out while they’re still drunk. And then end the night with a nightcap and ax to head while shaking your rumpshaker to the tune of ‘Hip to be a Square.’
WHILE KRIMACE IS KIDNAPPING MASON…
Krimace has dragged Mason along to a pedicure appointment.
Punched your boob. Oww my hand!!! Krimace, I think your implants have encapsulated.
The nail fumes appear to have gotten to Mason as he barfs all over Krimace’s outfit. Krimace groans that her outfit is officially ruined.
AT VICEROY HOTEL AND SPA…
Fry Girl appears to have chosen a bikini design.
BACK TO KRIMACE KIDNAPPING MASON…
Krimace tells Mason he’s stinky and not to worry because she’s going to change his diaper right away. She pushes Mason’s stroller into a dressing room.
Mason – “You’re going to change me in a dressing room? Bitch, don’t you realize there are cameras? I don’t want some security guard perverts seeing my little meat.”
Krimace closes the curtain and changes Mason’s dirty diaper.
Wahhhhh Desitin, Krimace!!! I NEED DESITIN!!!
O.M.G. Mason!! Your diaper is worse than a Willa Ford music video.
I-I-I-I I wanna. be. bad.
BACK AT THE CONDO…
Krimace gushes “ooo my little snuggle bug.”
BUGS!?!??! Scott, you promised me that you had eradicated all of the itsy bitsy spiders and those insipid glow worms. Stupid glow worms. Worms don’t glow unless they’ve been exposed to radiation.
LATER THAT NIGHT AT THE CONDO…
Fry Girl has entrapped Mason in Moo Moo Mobile again.
Kourtney – “Mason, you like your Moo Moo Mobile?” Mason- “Well, it keeps Krimace’s concrete knockers outta my face.”
Ding dong! Who could it be?
It’s Scott’s merry band of Tea-baggers
In the picture below, the guy on the right sorta looks like Andrew Ridgely from Wham.
Andrew Ridgely look-a-like – “I thought you were gonna wake me up, before you go-go.” Tea-bagger – “I thought I told you to get a fucking alarm clock.”
Scott tells his Tea-baggers his plans for the evening.
I love seeing you feed the ATM a cat. It never gets old.
And then we’ll see the laugh riot, ‘Oh Africa, Brave Africa.’
Then Scott tells his Tea-baggers that Kourtney is the hottest, best thing going for him, and he doesn’t want to screw it up so he won’t be picking up any prostitutes and chasing them with a chainsaw, naked, wearing only sock and sneakers.
Damn! That’s always the best part of a night out on the town with you.
I know, but I’ve got a kid now. I’d ask you to take up the mantel, but I don’t want the sequel to suck. ‘cough Mila Kunis’
The Tea-baggers raise their glasses in toast to new life and ‘new blood’ (I’m so not making that up LOL).
‘sigh’ I’ll always have my…videotapes.
AT CLUB MIA…
It’s good to see Club MIA’s soft opening has turned into a hard one. Haha.
Laser beams are flashing. The music is pumping.
I feel so extraordinary. Something’s got a hold on me. I get this feeling I’m in motion. A sudden sense of liberty… Ah I’m wearing no underwear. Now it all makes sense.
Montage of Scott partaying.
BACK AT THE CONDO…
Dream Machine clock says it’s 11:22 p.m. Krimace tells Fry Girl she is going to take off her face, and goes to get her sand blaster.
Fry Girl gets Mason ready for bed.
AT CLUB MIA…
Montage of Scott partaying. Shots are taken. Cigarettes are lit. Tea-bagger numero uno brushes the dirt off of Scott’s shoulder.
Tea-bagger – “You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder.” Scott – “You gotta get, me some Head & Shoulders. Get your ass to Walgreens like now!!!”
BACK AT THE CONDO….
Dream Machine clock says it’s 12:52 a.m. Uh oh. I hear a phone ringing. Fry Girl leaves Scott a message telling him she and Mason are reading books and wondering where he is.
Mason – “More like I’m reading to her. She’s the one that chose ‘One Fish, Two Fish.” I wanted ‘Paddington Bear’ because that bear is a sharp dresser, and he reminds me of the killer in ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’. Ho Ho Ho I have Ryan Phillippe’s blood on my little Wellies. Time for a marmalade sandwich.”
Fast forward. Dream Machine clock nows says 2:16 a.m. and still no Scott.
AT THE CONDO THE NEXT MORNING????
Once again I’m assuming this is the next day. The doorbell rings and Fry Girl screams “JONATHAN!!!” when she opens the door.
Eww Jonathan appears to have stolen Clay Aiken’s hair when Clay Aiken dyed his hair that hideous black shade and looked like K.D. Lang.
Krimace tells the camera that she and Kourtney are going to take their friend Jonathan out to a nice dinner.
Mason will be left in the care of a faceless nanny. Hey if they had a nanny what the hell was the issue before? Oh well, I guess Goth Ronald told them to make up drama for the cameras. Continue.
Mason – “A faceless nanny isn’t so bad. Better than looking at hideous white/green striped socks. I wonder if Kermit or Fozzie ever upskirted Nanny?”
AT BARTON G: THE RESTAURANT…
Jesus Christ! Look at the size of their drinks!! Yummmmmmm.
Kourt – “Look Jonathan, Krimace isn’t on her blackberry.” Jonathan – “Sorry pumpkin, she’s texting under the table.” Kourt – “Damn it!”
Kourtney tells Jonathan that Krimace has been helping her out. Jonathan gushes that the last time he saw Mason, Mason was the size of his blackberry.
Jonathan asks what’s up with Scott and his Club MIA. Fry Girl says it can be a little crazy. Jonathan laughs and says you know Scott and nighttime: it’s like a vampire.
Jonathan says you know not drinking blood but alcohol. Fry Girl replies yeah alcohol is his blood. Jonathan goes yeah I remember Vegas.
It was straight up Edward vs James.
Flashback to Scott inebriated in Vegas.
Krimace asks Fry Girl if it’s funny that Scott comes home smelling like alcohol. Fry Girl tells Krimace no, and she should mind her own business.
Jonathan suggests dressing up ghetto with chains and Krimace and Kourt as Fry Hos and rolling up to Club MIA to spy on Scott.
Fry Girl smiles wryly.
AT THE CONDO…
Jonathan tells Fry Girl and Krimace how amazing their place is. Krimace asks Jonathan if he would like some of this amazing wine she got.
The trio head into the kitchen and can’t find the wine. Krimace asks Kourt if Scott might have drank the wine.
Fry Girl gets defensive and is tired of her family immediately blaming Scott for everything. She decides to call Scott and ask him.
Scott says he didn’t see the wine. Fry Girl tells the camera if Scott says he didn’t see the wine then she has to believe him.
AT CLUB MIA…
Slow motion of Scott taking a drag off of his cigarette.
Scott – “Mmmm Joe Camel unfiltered. Heyyy you guys, wouldn’t it be hilarious if they did a movie called ‘Joe Camel Broke Back Mountain?’ Jake Gyllenhaul could look at a pack of cigarettes and say ‘I can’t quit you.” Bwhahahahaha ‘sigh’ I’m so drunk right now.”
AT THE CONDO…
Krimace tells Fry Girl to hurry up or they’ll be late. She asks if Scott is coming. Fry Girl snaps she doesn’t know; he’s asleep. Scott didn’t get home until 6 a.m.
Krimace tells the camera Scott’s behavior is soooo immature. He has a baby now.
Jessica and Jacqui are discussing their weekends and mention seeing Scott at the clubs. Krimace overhears and immediately hones in.
You. Saw. Scott. Out.
Yes, Stephen Hawking.
Krimace assumes he was at Club MIA. Jessica says no. She bartends over at CoCo and saw Scott there.
Krimace asks if any girls were around. Jessica says he was with the Tea-baggers. Damn I wish Katy was there. That would have been an awkward run-in. Tehe. Jacqui says when she saw Scott at Kai there were no girls with them.
Krimace thanks her spies and tells them to report back to her any new developments.
AT THE CONDO…
Krimace and Fry Girl are straightening up the kitchen. Krimace decides to take the plunge and tells Fry Girl what the DASH girls told her about Scott.
Fry Girl defends Scott and tells Krimace that it isn’t her job to babysit Scott. Pissed, Fry Girl tells Krimace to go hang out with Khlo-ho Hamburglar and talk about Scott. Then she yells “bitches!!!” and slams her door.
I wonder how their neighbors put up with having Kardashians next door.
LATER THAT NIGHT…
Fry Girl goes up to the roof top to check on the Hot Tub Time Machine and low and behold she finds bottles.
Hot Tub Time Machine – “I did not drink those. You can check my PH and alkalinity levels. Word.”
Then Fry Girl finds Krimace’s wine bottles next to a lounge chair.
Eeekkk Bruce flashback. Goth Ronald flashback.
Fry Girl goes back downstairs and immediately calls Scott. He offers to replace the wine but Fry Girl tells him it’s not about replacing the wine it’s about him not being upfront about drinking it. Fry Girl tells Scott they’ll discuss this when he gets home.
Dream Machine clock says it’s 4:30 a.m. Fry Girl can’t sleep and goes into Krimace’s room. Fry Girl repeats everything that Krimace told her earlier and more or less admits that Krimace is right about Scott.
Krimace tells Fry Girl that Scott needs help. Fry Girl agrees and tells the camera that it scares her that she may be in for parenting Mason alone.
Mason – “I’m not alone. I’ve got the entire Verizon 3G network wherever I go.”
Next week on K&K Take Miami it appears that Scott’s fist accidentally goes through the bathroom mirror. Guess he spotted a wrinkle? Looks like Kourtney is faced with choosing Mason over Scott. Laters!!!