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PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI…
Kourtney went on an exercise binge, and she passed out just like that one episode of Full House where D.J. tried to rapidly lose weight for a pool party. Have Mercy! While Kourtney exercised, Khloe took care of DASH and bonded with the DASH girls. Unfortunately, Fry Girl didn’t like Khlo-ho’s style of management, and at the end of the episode, she bitched poor Khlo-ho out.
Khlo-ho, like a Bachelor/Bachelorette reject, took a somber car ride to the airport and ditched Miami for L.A. We can assume she made it safely home and is currently interrupting Lamar and Rob’s monthly Harry Potter Book Club meeting.
GIRLS WILL BE…GIRLS…OR ARE THEY TRANNIES?
Speaking of someone who is starting to look more tranny-like every day, Kim Kardashian pops out of a car. Seriously Kimmy, lay off the botox and whatever else you are doing to your face. Your pics in USWeekly are starting to scare me. You don’t want to end up like this:
I swear that was me on the Wheaties box!
Hmm Kim needs a decent nickname. Since she wears so much purple smoky eye shadow let’s call her McDonald’s Grimace to go with Fry Girl and Hamburglar. Ooo better yet how about Krimace? Hahaha. Krimace it is.
Krimace tells the camera that she got a call from Kourtney that Khloe has left Miami sooo Krimace immediately gets on a flight to Miami.
She explains that Kourtney can’t be left by herself with a new baby.
My god I saw how she was dressing poor Mason. See? (shows pics) Scott sent these to my Blackberry. Kourt has no idea how to dress a big ass and those diapers are not helping Mason’s little caboose. Fortunately, I know how to make the most of my assets, so I’ll make sure Mason’s butt doesn’t look like you can serve a Playskool grille picnic on it.
AT THE CONDO…
Krimace arrives at the condo and just lets herself in. Like Goldie Hawn Locks and the Overboard Three Bears, Krimace goes from room to room looking to see if anyone is home.
Hmm that’s funny. Why is there a small child’s bike?
Does Scott have to dress like a clown and ride a little bike through a loop for Mama Kris? (Simpsons did it! Doh!)
Krimace makes her way onto the balcony. She happens to look over at the balcony next door and sees Scott “back-dooring” Fry Girl.
Scott – “It’s not what it looks like. She was leaning over the edge and slipped. Hey, you’ve seen “Titanic”! DiCaprio didn’t push Rose over the edge or try to gang bang her. Her fat ginger ass was trying to commit suicide. Same situation we got going on here.”
Krimace isn’t buying it. Her and “For the Love of Ray J” did a similar move in the straight to video “Kim’s Ass: What Really Sunk the Titanic”.
Cue the opening credits.
IN KHLOE’S OLD ROOM…
Kourtney, who is now properly clothed, tells Krimace that Hamburglar’s room is a mess since she left in a New York minute (hahaha M.K. and Ashley Olsen movie fail!)
Kourt Kourt tells the camera she really appreciates Kim jumping on a plane and coming to help. She says at least she has one good sister. Umm what about Kendall and Kylie, Kourtney?
Kourtney start reminiscing about the good old days with Kim.
Ooo look we get a flashback pic of a young Fry Girl and Krimace.
Kourtney – “Kim, when I grow up I’m going to find myself a Patrick Bateman.”
Kim – “Kourtney, when I grow up I’m going to get married at 19, get involved w/a D-list singer of questionable sexual orientation who will leak our sex tape, and date a string of pro athletes. Oh yeah, and my ass will be HUGE!”
Kourtney – “Wow Kim, for your sake I hope dreams really do come true!”
And here’s another flashback pic.
Kourtney – “Ewww Bruce did something to his face. “
Kim – “It looks like Chuckie’s face after Andy set him on fire.”
And another one. Is that Khloe in the background?
And with this giant hamburger bun, the Hamburglar was born!
Kourtney says she is looking forward to bonding with Krimace again.
Krimace tells Kourtney she has something to tell her, but Kourt must promise not to tell anyone. Fat chance, Krimace. One word: Scott.
Anyway, Krimace pauses and then blurts “Reggie and I broke up…for good.”
Kourt says, “NO!”
Krimace says, “There was no fight; we just realized we wanted different things.”
I told him I needed Reginald VelJohnson, and he told me all he had to give was Reginald Bush.
Kourtney tells Krimace no worries they’ll go out and have fun Miami style.
A huge crowd has gathered outside of DASH.
Here comes KRIMACE!!!
BAM! Ass shot. Appearing on TMZ.com in 5, 4, 3, 2….
The DASH girls are cringing inside the store. Jacqui yells “Dude, look at those animals out there.”
“Hey, Jacqui, I told you. I’m. Not. A. Dude. Anymore. Sex change, remember?”
Before Jacqui can reply, Kourtney enters the shop and says “Hey girl, heyyyyy. You guys remember, Krimace?”
Yeah. We’ve all seen “Kim’s Ass: What Really Sunk the Titanic.”
Kourtney re-introduces Krimace to Katy, Jessica, Jacqui and Josefina “Vodka Camel Humps”.
Get you love drunk off my hump…literally.
Josefina asks “what happened to Khloe?”
Fry Girl replies, “Khloe, is back at home with Lamar. She ditched me.”
Hamburglar ditched you! Hahahahaha
Does that mean you have to report directly to Ronald now?
In case you’re wondering, meet Hamburglar and Fry Girl’s boss:
Fry Girl spins a sob story for the DASH girls while Krimace tells the camera that she hates whenever anyone in the family fights, especially Kourtney and Khloe. It just breaks her heart.
Awww here comes Mason who is being held by Auntie Krimace.
Kourtney tells the DASH girls how she ran out of formula so she filled Mason’s bottle with her own breast milk.
You fed me what?
Oh god the room is spinning. You so drank Tequila last night.
Blehhhh!!! Uhhh who the fuck called this a Tequila Sunrise?!?!? There’s nothing sunny about it.
Stop! Would you people stop talking SO LOUD!!
As Mason is suffering from the after effects of Kourtney’s tequila laced breast milk, Krimace is freaking out because Mason puked all over her.
In the back of the store, Katy, Jacqui and Jessica are trying to figure out how to transport the deliveries into the store.
Katy – “I’m so confused.”
Jacqui – “Well, apparently the Egyptians used aliens to build the pyramids.”
Jessica – “Let’s get an alien to carry these into the store.”
Katy – “I heard Arizona is trying to ban aliens.”
Jacqui- “That’s illegal aliens, Katy.”
The girls finally figure out that they need to break apart the packaging and take the cases of water in separately.
One of the girls giggles and says “I love doing manual labor.”
Jacqui snorts, “Don’t let Josefina hear that. She got pissed off when I called her a dude earlier.”
One of the girls, I think Katy, says “I call it bitch work in 4 inch heals.” LOLZ
Katy tells the camera that she has bonded with Jacqui and they’re great friends because Jacqui doesn’t talk shit or backstab her. Uh oh Katy. This doesn’t have anything to do with you randomly sexifying strangers in club bathrooms who may happen to have girlfriends, would it?
We’re even planning a retro TGIF night where we’ll watch old ‘Boy Meets World’ episodes and gush over Ryder Strong (gawd he was so hot).
Damn it there are no dancing fish, just Fry Girl and Krimace!
Fry Girl is asking Krimace what does she want to do with her week off, but Kriamce isn’t paying attention. Krimace is a ‘crackberry’ addict.
Huh? Gimme a sec, Kourt. My DASH ass pic is now on TMZ.com
Kim, if you don’t get off the blackberry I’m going to drink more Tequila.
And you saw what that did to Mason. He’s gonna projectile vomit all over your fuckin’ Dolce & Gabana suit.
Yeah, my D&G suit is hot.
Waiter!!! I need a tequila!!!
Finally Fry Girl has had a enough and using her quick, hamburger stealing skills she snatches Krimace’s blackberry and sits on it.
Krimace is shocked as Fry Girl butt dials Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber – Hey Kim!! Wait, that doesn’t sound like your ass. What’s going on?
Kourt Kourt tells the camera that Krimace is literally a ‘crackberry’ addict. When Krimace doesn’t have her Blackberry in hand, she will start twitching.
Flashback to Krimace blackberry incident at the original Jenner pad, and the infamous ski lodge when Goth Ronald threw Krimace’s blackberry behind the couch.
Krimace, I’ve told you no fuckin’ blackberry when we’re discussing hamburgers!!!
ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE OF BEACON HOTEL…
Fry Girl is randomly hopping in…could it be moon shoes?
Those moon shoes….so hot right now…even Hansel has a pair.
Nevermind. They’re not moon shoes. Bummer.
Krimace finally gets off the Blackberry long enough to do some ridiculous jogging in ridiculous shoes with Fry Girl.
Krimace asks Kourt if she’s jiggling like crazy, but Kourt reassures Krimace that she isn’t. How can you when your spandex is that tight?
These patented shoes are perfect for bouncing over a McDonald’s counter and grabbing a dozen hamburgers. Goth Ronald instructed Hamburglar to have Krimace and Fry Girl train in them every morning.
Uh oh. Krimace’s phone rings and the music slows down as Krimace tells the caller “No, I’m not doing anything.”
Kourtney looks pissed.
Kim, forget what I said. I agree with Paris Hilton. Your ass looks like cottage cheese in a big trash bag.
Bikini mannequin – “Where is everyone?”
Romper mannequin – “Tube dress mannequin has an A.A. meeting, and Sundress mannequin is still dating Headless ‘Christopher Walken’ Horseman.”
Bikini mannequin – “Really? I’m surprised.”
Romper mannequin – “Actually I heard he said that Sundress mannequin was a butterface so actually by her being headless it saves him a paper bag; one less paper bag is a good thing.”
Bikini mannequin – “Headless Walken is an environmentalist?”
Romper mannequin – “Nah, he just wants to save the trees. Trees provide cover for him when he’s stalking his Sleepy Hallow victims.”
Inside DASH, the DASH girls are assisting customers, and Katy tells Jacqui that she really needs to talk to her. Hmm is this about the TGIF Ryder Strong slumber party or is something serious going on?
Katy and Jacqui go back into the storage room. Katy tells Jacqui that when she was getting a shower this morning she found a bump in her bikini area and is freaking out.
Jacqui ever the blunt person says, “So what is it? The herp (herpes)?” LOLZ
Katy is starting to tear up. Jacqui says first we need to get you to a doctor. Katy says she’s terrified. Jacqui says if it was her, she’d black out. Katy says stop it!
Don’t freak out Katy! It could just be irritation from those edible panties you wore to the beach that melted under the sun like some fruit roll-up shit.
Actually the panties had a hole in them and I patched it with some Fruit by the Foot. God I hope you’re right.
Jacqui promises not to say anything which means she will tell everyone.
AT THE CONDO…
Kourtney is on the phone with Goth Ronald. Goth Ronald asks how Mason’s doing. She wants to know if Kourtney is following the McNugget plan for Mason.
Yes, Goth Ronald. Mason has a handle on the McNugget market.
Then Kourtney starts bitching about Krimace always being on the phone.
Goth Ronald instructs Fry Girl to steal Krimace’s phone and show her what a weekend is like without her stupid blackberry. Then Goth Ronald adds, “steal her computer too so she has no back-up.” Genius! But will Fry Girl actually do it? That’s debatable.
Fry Girl is hesitant. She tells Goth Ronald Krimace has all of these business contacts and work emails she’s constantly sending.
Goth Ronald snaps that she is cc-ed on all of the emails so she’ll handle it.
STEALING KRIMACE’S BLACKBERRY…
While Krimace is in the shower, Fry Girl makes her move and steals the blackberry.
Fry Girl – “You’re mine bitch!”
Blackberry – “Please Fry Girl, don’t make me butt dial Justin Bieber again. If I hear him serenade Kim ‘Baby, baby, baaaayyybayyyy’ one more time I’m going to enact the Blue Screen of Death.”
Something in the universe has shifted. Blackberry, are you all right? Blackberry?????
After Krimace’s shower, she goes looking for her blackberry and can’t find it because Fry Girl has hidden it in the Fry Mobile.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Panicking, panicking, AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Krimace asks Fry Girl if she knows where her phone is?
Fry Girl grins and tells Krimace that she will be phone free for 48 hours.
How them apples, Krimace? ‘ grins’
You know Fry Girl, that Goth Ronald doesn’t believe in apple slices in Happy Meals.
I meant your Blackberry.
I know what you meant, and I’ll go out and buy another one if I have to.
Krimace goes to get her computer so she call pull her back-up info from it.
KOURTNEY, WHERE’S MY COMPUTER?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Damn Goth Ronald is a genius. ‘texts update to Goth Ronald’
Krimace starts running through the condo yelling “Give me back my phone right now.”
Kourtney, if you don’t want my ass to start an earthquake in Miami you better give me my phone right NOW!
As Krimace continues to search, Fry Girl laughs maniacally next to Mason’s crib.
Mason – “Jesus Christ are we having an earthquake? Room is shaking (from Kim’s ass). Ugghh would you quit your cackling? I’m still woozy from your lunchtime Tequila, bitch! Blehhhhhh!!!!”
Krimace grabs Fry Girl’s phone and dials Goth Ronald.
Goth Ronald, we got a situation here. Fry Girl stole my Blackberry and laptop.
Goth Ronald tells Krimace that she will not be her enabler and reward her behavior by getting a new phone.
Can I just point out that isn’t Kim 30 years-old? Calling momma Goth Ronald is a tad immature.
Anyway, Krimace is pissed that Goth Ronald won’t help her so she chucks Fry Girl’s phone at Fry Girl’s head.
Fry Girl is like heyyyyyyy!!!!
Then Krimace goes to Khlo-ho’s old room and slams the door.
THE NEXT DAY….
Kourtney is going through the condo yelling “Krimace…. Krimace… Krimace….”
“Hold on sec… Kourtney, shut up! I’m trying to schedule a Clinique consultation for me and Mason. Okay sorry about that. Yes, I’m a Type II, and I think Mason is a Type 1. 2 o’clock? Excellent. See you then. Mason, we’re gonna detox that Tequila right out of your skin.”
Kourtney finds Krimace still in bed. Kourtney opens the blinds and tells Krimace to look at the beach and get out of bed because it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
And it’s a lot safer because Mr. Rogers is dead. You know he was hood, right? That taffy factory was actually a meth lab and those kids that came over were drug mules.
Krimace is still begging for her Blackberry, and Fry Girl tells the camera they’re going to have so much fun.
AT A SPA…
Krimace is begging Fry Girl to let her use her phone for just two minutes so she can check her email.
No. OMG you’re actually twitching, Krimace.
Kourtney ignores Krimace and tells her about an email that Kylie sent her the other day. Kylie’s email said that Kendall always tries to take her new clothes, please help me.
The two chortle “that’s so us.” Awww they’re bonding.
Fry Girl asks Krimace what’s up with her and Reggie? Has she heard from him?
Krimace says Reggie sounds so confused, but it’s time for her to move on, but there’s no one for her to move onto.
Gawd I can’t be single. I’m a serial monogamist.
Hmmm what about Mayor McCheese?
Introducing Mayor McCheese.
Can I get a Shamrock shake? What they’re seasonal? Don’t you know who the fuck I am? I’m Mayor ‘Ryan Seacrest’ McCheese!!!!
Fry Girl and Krimace tell each other that they had the best childhood ever. Fry Girl says that’s why she thinks Mason needs a sibling ASAP. Whoa slow down Fry Girl!!! Mason isn’t even a year-old yet.
Krimace agrees and mentions “or maybe a cousin, but not from me.”
Hmm is this a Khloe and Lamor ‘hint’ ‘hint’?
Speaking of Hamburglar, let the Khloe bashing begin. Krimace says it’s been fun not hanging out with Khloe, and Fry Girl says Khloe has not been fun to hang out with lately.
Krimace says “She’s old and married. Who’s the boring one now.” Meow! Retract your claws there Krimace.
Krimace pops in DASH. Krimace tells the camera that she is picking up Khlo-ho’s slack and checking in on the DASH girls.
Krimaces asks where’s Katy?
Jacqui tells Krimace that Katy had something important that she had to take care of.
Krimace asks what can be so important like missing your work?
Jacqui says Katy had to go to a doctor’s appointment.
Krimace asks is Katy okay?
Jacqui says yeah…I think.
Krimace is like what’s wrong?
Jacqui says Katy found something.
Oh god this is going to be like 20 questions isn’t it?
Krimace asks is it a lump in her breast?
Jacqui says no she found a red little bump…down there.
Krimace’s eyebrows raise as she inquires if it’s an STD.
Jacqui says she doesn’t know and that no one is supposed to know.
Krimace tells everyone not to say anything. Okay but you guys realize this is on camera and everyone will know when this episodes airs, right?
AT THE CONDO…
Krimace is asking Mason, “Who’s that? Is that Daddy?”
“Yes, but that headline is wrong. Daddy told me he took Fry Girl back.”
Krimace is amazed and tells Fry Girl that Mason is staring right at Scott.
Eehhh give me the magazine, Krimace, so I can smack Fry Girl with it for giving me Tequila laced breast milk.
Krimace tells Fry Girl, “Seriously he’s not even looking at you in this picture. He’s just looking at Scott.”
That Clinique lady did an awesome job on Dad’s skin. Dad was right, the Pore Minimizer Instant Perfector is magic!
Kourtney tells Krimace “see if you didn’t have your phone you wouldn’t be giving Mason all of that attention.”
Meanwhile Krimace has flipped to a page of herself and is telling Mason to give Auntie Krimace’s picture a kiss.
Ahhh even in the magazines your ass is smothering!!
Krimace tells the camera Mason doesn’t have a phone and is having a good time.
Actually I do have a phone, Krimace, and I’m texting Scott for help right now.
Krimace finally stops assaulting Mason with the magazine and leaves for the gym. In the parking garage, she realizes that her phone is probably in the car.
Detective-y James Bond music plays as Krimace locates her kidnapped Blackberry and laptop.
Krimace comes bouncing upstairs causing ceiling tiles to crack from her ass jiggling and exclaims “The Gym was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!”
My ass workout produced a Blackberry and a pink laptop.
Krimace tells Fry Girl she’ll be in the other room.
Fry Girl tells Mason “you have a sick auntie.”
Mason – “Ughhh talk to the hand, woman.”
Bikini and Tube dress mannequins just got back from Sundress mannequin’s funeral. She apparently told Headless ‘Christopher Walken’ Horseman he didn’t need more cowbell.
Inside DASH, Fry Girl tells Krimace no texting in the front of the store. Krimace grins and says she still has the computer.
Krimace asks Jacqui how is Katy doing. Jacqui tell Krimace that it turned out Katy had an ingrown hair.
Kourtney is confused. She’s like what are you guys talking about.
Krimace fills Fry Girl in on the previous conversation about Katy’s STD scare.
Fry Girl tells Krimace she is dying to go on one of those sea planes that fly above the beaches, but Krimace is texting again.
Fry Girl gets so pissed she gets up and leaves Krimace stranded at the restaurant.
Krimace stops by looking for Kourt. She tells the DASH girls how Kourt ditched her at lunch today.
Then Krimace sees Katy and tells her you must be so relieved.
Katy asks about what?
Krimace tells her I heard about the doctor.
And we get this face from Jacqui.
No, you didn’t just fucking say that, KRIMACE!!!
Then Fry Girl comes in all-Krimace-like texting and ignores Krimace as she asks why did she ditch her at lunch.
Krimace follows Fry Girl into the storage room to confront her. As Krimace and Fry Girl argue, Katy confronts Jacqui about telling Krimace about the STD scare.
The fighting between Jacqui and Katy escalates bringing Krimace and Fry Girl out of the back room.
Krimace takes responsibility for forcing Jacqui to tell her the entire truth about Katy’s doctor appointment.
Katy is still hurt but accepts Jacqui’s apology.
AT THE CONDO…
Krimace asks Fry Girl if she is still ignoring her. Krimace apologizes and tells the cameras that she’s found a really special way to make it up to Fry Girl.
IN A RANDOM SEA PLANE…
OMG Krimace is taking Fry Girl flying in a sea plane!!!!
They meet Tony, their captain. Kourtney asks Tony if their high-heeled shoes are okay and Tony says sure before scooping himself up some Fry Girl.
Tony asks the girls if they’ve ever been in a sea plane before and they say no.
Tony laughs and says “good, virgins.”
Krimace, did he seriously just call us virgins?
Huh? Sorry Fry Girl, I was texting.
The sea plane begins to take off.
Plane is airborne.
Fry Girl – “We’re still alive!”
Krimace – “And I got Blackberry reception.”
Next week on K&K Take Miami: Krimace is still in Miami and is helping out by babysitting Mason, but she notices that things aren’t paradise between Scott and Kourtney. Looks like we may be in for another Kardashian sister cat fight.
See you guys next week! Laters.