K&K Take New York: Toilet Tails

Those kooky Kardashians are back at it again! They’ve somehow managed to get themselves into more wacky situations. The apartment is a mess, Kim thinks her new friend is gay and Kourtney continues to speak in a faux English-Persian accent whilst recreating “The Sound of Music.”

…Or she stuck a gold walking stick up a cheetah’s ass and decided to parade it around as a trophy.

Apparently, Scott is attempting to rebrand himself as the poor man’s Gilbert Gottfried and starts the show off with a really loud conversation about readjusting his junk. For the record, I never use the word junk but in this case it is overwhelmingly apropos. Scott readjusts himself as they walk out of their building and Kourtney asks him to be more discreet. Scott insists that it’s just not possible because his junk is so huge that it gets caught in the seam of his pants. We’re even treated to a shot of it.

Remember this for later…

…Or don’t because it’s things like this that make me question why I bothered going to college if my life was going to amount to observing and writing about some creepy guy’s wang. Kourtney says that discretion goes a long way and Scott says that his genitalia goes a long way. Ummm, yeah. Length is nowhere near as impressive as girth Mr. King of the UTIs.

Kim is strolling down the streets of NYC with her gay friend Simon, and she shares that she is so excited about the opening of their store “Dash.” She conveys this excitement by adding a lilt to her drawl and nearly looking up from the ground. It’s like I’m there. And being ignored. Simon asks what she’s doing for marketing and they don’t have anyone; they’re just doing it themselves. Lesson #1 boys and girls: The Kardashians are opening a store in NYC, one of the most competitive markets in the universe, have no one doing their marketing, are filming a show about it and will still make more money in ten minutes than you will make in a year. Accept that!

Simon has a friend that is great with marketing and he decides to hook them up. Lesson #2: Don’t bother with a resume, networking or selling yourself. Read backstage.com and respond to the casting notice for “male, appearing to be gay, between the ages 18-24 and willing to make panoramas of Scott Disick’s junk”. I actually recall seeing a casting notice for girls to work in the store. Despite that, I still believe that this show is 100% real and unscripted; all of those notices were posted by the liberal media, terrorists and Bruce Jenner’s un-famous kids.

Next up, Kourtney and Scott pick up their domestic plot o’ the week and it involves Scott’s messiness. I LOVE when TV shows come up with something that we have NEVER seen featured in any other episode. I don’t recall seeing anything messy last week. As a matter of fact, Scott’s closet looked like it was organized by the finest elves this side of the Mississippi. I don’t even know what that means. Please scriptedly shoot me. Kourtney finds a rotten apple in the nightstand and Scott takes it and throws it into another drawer. Now, remember the earlier weiner shot? Who’s to say that Scott didn’t just toss an old hot dog, a rotten cucumber or an actual twig and  (rotten) berries down his pants for that shot. I don’t know what it was but I’m sure it was rotten.

Kourtney and Kim meet up with Marco and he wastes no time launching into his role of not gay gay guy.

Kim has taken a cue from Kourtney and shoved her arms through an endangered beast of some sort.

He compliments Kim’s Louboutin shoes, her Hermes bracelet and proclaims that he loves ‘Jeffrey’ which is a store in NY. He makes sure to really emphasize that he loves ‘Jeffrey’ so I’m 1000% certain that it’s also new slang for ‘Ryan Seacrest’s cock in my butt’. Marco leaves them with his portfolio and he makes a date with Kim to go shopping. If this were real, wouldn’t Kim wonder why this guy was solely interested in hanging out with her and not Kourtney? Or is she so convinced of being the pretty one that she just assumes that everyone gay, straight or amphibian wants her. Kourt and Kim talk abut the little pretend date she set up with her presumed “gay guy” and Kourtney questions why she wants to hang out with him. She also closed the door to the balcony because Scott was smoking on account of that whole ‘Scott is messy’ thing. That section was as much an afterthought to their lame ass subplot as it is to this recap.

The next day, Kourtney ends up calling Simon, learns that Marco is straight and decides to keep the news from her because they need enough footage for 30 minutes. They want to teach Kim a lesson to not assume a guy is gay because he’s into fashion and doesn’t immediately hump her leg upon meeting her. Meanwhile, Kim gets a call from Marco about something going on at Scoop. I hear Scoop and I think ice cream so I’m thrilled until I realize it’s more freakin’ clothes. For someone who spends so much time naked, Kim sure does shop a lot.

Ehmagod Marco! This dress would look so great on the floor next to me at my next photoshoot. You know…the shoot in which I’ll pose naked and then complain that I was naked. Yep! That one.

Kim starts trying on clothes and let’s Marco come in to unzip her and all sorts of things. I don’t believe it for a second. Even though the greater Metropolitan area of the earth has seen her naughty bits, I refuse to believe that she’d let a practical stranger view them before airbrushing, photoshop and a $10,000 deposit. Or NFL contract.

Back at the apatment, Kourtney decides to organize Scott’s clothes and he throws a tantrum by laying all of Kourtney’s possessions on their side. It’s like that episode of “Friends” in which Chandler hid all of Joey’s underwear and then Joey put on all of Chandler’s clothes except this is unfunny and even pettier. Scott immediately runs off to therapy in a suit and hair slicked so far back his lisp has nowhere to hide. You can tell this guy was such an outcast growing up. He babbles about trying to fix things with his “girlfriend” and leaves.

When he gets home, Kourtney flips out because he left the toilet seat up, she fell in and she has urine all over her butt and pants. Apparently he hadn’t flushed either. While that is disgusting, I always check my toilet before I sit even if no one else has been here. Only YOU can prevent carpet dunking! Kourtney does what any mother and business woman would do and rubs some of the urine from her pants onto Scott’s face. Scott doesn’t want to lose it so he announces that he is getting his shoes and leaving. Usually when I storm out of a place, it’s on the heels of a four letter word parade; it’s never a detailed plan of retreat.

I’m getting my Prada shoes and leaving. I would have chosen the Guccis but they pinch my big toe. At that point I will enter the elevator and press ‘L’ for lobby. I will then make a sharp right out of the elevator and get my own hotel room on the same floor so I can share it with my walking stick that was the PRIME FOCUS OF LAST WEEK’S EPISODE BUT IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND THIS WEEK. Oh yeah, and this show is totes authentic.

Meanwhile, Kim is hanging out with Marco and Rob (who is actually gay).

I was just hoping neither one would sneeze. One unfortunate allergen and they could’ve triggered the Big One.

Kim lets them chit chat as she tries her hand at matchmaking and eventually Marco starts to realize that Rob is gay. Of course Rob happens to leave the table and this is just enough time for Marco to explain that he is straight. Kim realizes that her matchmaking skills are as good as her singing, acting and staying fully clothed skills. Marco leaves, Kim feigns embarassment and they all leave to hang out with their real friends.

Kourtney calls Khloe to inform her of the toilet incident and little sis explains to her older sister that she has to pick her battles. Kourtney  apologizes to Scott for the urine wiping and he blames her for being too compulsive and huh? So the running theme this season is that Scott is the happy sober guy and Kourtney is the raging bitch of a girlfriend, who happened to birth his child (but is still only referred to as a ‘girlfriend’). Kim goes home, tells Kourtney what happened with the guys and then they call Simon. He exclaims that Marco is very straight and Kourtney never bothers to reveal that she knew the truth the whole time. This is fine with me because this family is clearly good about keeping truths from each other. According to them: Kourtney is not a doormat, Scott isn’t a former fatty who was lucky enough to knock her up and Kim isn’t slowly morphing into the Cat Woman (not the superhero, that Wildenstein lady). In fact, she’s done nothing at all to her face!

On that note, I’m off to bathe in holy water and do the stations of the cross in English and Italian just to be safe. Sooo….what’d you guys think? Is Kourtney complaining too much? Is Scott milking the ‘be glad all I am is messy and not violently drunk’ card?