Welcome to the latest installment of the Kardashians! At the end of last season’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, Krimace (Kim), decided to accompany Fry Girl (Kourtney), Scott and MASON to open a new DASH boutique in NYC.
For this spin-off Khlo-ho (Khloe), Lamar, Bruce, Goth Ronald (Kris), Rob, Kendall and Kylie will remain in California although I’m sure they will make periodic guest appearances and phone calls. Unfortunately, from what I’ve heard and read Mason isn’t being filmed this season due to a monetary issue between Scott and E! However, that doesn’t mean we have to go Mason-less. When the moment is appropriate I’ll include little off-screen Mason comments and pictures that fit into the timeline i.e. Halloween in NYC when Mason was dressed as a bumble bee.
NOTE: Also for those just joining us the nicknames carry over from “Kourtney and Khloe: Take Miami” and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”
AT SMYTH IN TRIBECA…
Fry Girl and Krimace come skipping out of the restaurant holding hands.
Fry Girl – “We are merely exchanging long protein strings, if you can come up with a better way I’d like to hear it.”
Fry Girl tells us she LOVES New York. It is such an amazing city. Camera cuts to Fry Girl and Krimace checking in.
Krimace – “I’d like a hotel room please with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it.”
Fry Girl narrates that she and Krimace are in NYC to open up their third DASH store. Fry Girl has a completely different relationship with Krimace than with Khlo-ho. Flashback of Khlo-ho and Fry Girl cuddling in bed.
Fry Girl – “Stop sucking up. I’m not letting you have Mason.” Khlo-ho – “Please???” Mason (from the other room)- “Stop trying to own me like Bill tries to own Sookie.”
Fry Girl says she and Khlo-ho were really affectionate. Flashback of smacking asses. Fry Girl ends with she and Krimace just aren’t as lovey dovey.
IN THE PENTHOUSE…
Fry Girl and Krimace enter their new penthouse. It’s pretty cool and look there’s Mason’s crib.
Mason – “Where the magic happens: a new Tom Ford outfit is picked out.”
Krimace says she is so excited. Fry Girl walks in and announces “Look the crib is already here. Mason needs a better room.” Hahaha.
Krimace informs us that she is newly single (remember Miles Austin? Donezo.) She has never taken the time to be single, always had a boyfriend, been in a relationship, etc. Krimace used to be best friends with Fry Girl when they were kids and she wants to revert back to that relationship with her sister.
Fry Girl and Krimace make their way out onto the penthouse balcony. They laugh that someone is going to think they’re trying to jump off the balcony especially when Krimace pulls out her “Mr. Highway Doll”. Fry Girl yells out to the streets below:
Fry Girl – “Poor Mr. Highway, he’s thinking about the end. He’s had enough of this terrible life.”
Cue opening credits.
IN THE PENTHOUSE…
Fry Girl comments that it is so weird that Scott has his own room. Krimace tells us that Scott isn’t staying in the same suite. She’s glad in a way because it gives her more time to bond with Fry Girl.
Fry Girl says Scott is staying on the same floor as them in a hotel room down the hall. Camera cuts to Scott.
Scott – “Sweet! Mason, I see you alphabetized my facial lotions. Daddy is taking you to get a new suit later.”
Fry Girl tells us Miami was the lowest point in her relationship with Scott. Flashback of Scott going out and drinking every night and breaking mirrors that back-talked him. She says Scott has been going to therapy once a week but they’re not in that place yet where they want to move back in together.
There is a knock at the door. It’s Scott. He walks in, looks around and says “So this is it?”
Scott – “No wonder Mason was bitching. The lighting is horrible in here. Had to spend 45 minutes comforting him that no 9-month-old gets crows feet.”
Krimace asks Scott “How’s your room?” He replies “Clean. Nice bed. Better than Miami. Anything is better than Miami.”
Scott tells us Krimace saw him at his lowest point in Miami, but he’s going to do everything he can in his power to rekindle his relationship with Fry Girl and fix his friendship with Krimace.
Scott points out to Krimace that she needs a guy more like himself: a work in progress. Fry Girl and Krimace are like uh no.
AT LEX BAR…
The paparazzi are out taking pictures.
TMZ Krimace ass shot.
Fry Girl tells us she doesn’t want to be out, she wanted to join Scott and Mason for facials and martini 90210 night, but it’s Krimace’s single girl debut so she had to go. Fry Girl plans on ditching Krimace the second she gets the opportunity to.
Fry Girl asks Krimace if she wants her to go interview everyone and asks them if they want to take her out on a date. Krimace is like nah.
Krimace – “That’s not necessary. Mason already sent out a tweet ‘Armenian SJP Jr. has landed’.”
Krimace claims to not be desperate right…. *cough Justin Bieber Elle Magazine photo shoot*. Krimace’s friend Carla walks up to the two.
Carla is dressed like a Kardashian wannabe. In fact, she is sorta interchangeable with Khlo-ho from a distance.
Fry Girl tells Carla she thinks Krimace needs an NYC business man.
Carla – “You want me to hook you up with Letterman?” Krimace – “I’m not a fan of Orville Redenbacher.”
Krimace is like yeah I need a Wall Street guy. Carla laughs and replies “Wall Street is dead right now.”
Fry Girl tells Krimace “Now that your wing girl is here, I’m going to go home and be a mom…and I’ll have just enough time to join Scott and Mason for their facial/martini/90210 intermission reflexology massage session.”
Krimace is pissed. It’s typical Fry Girl behavior, ditching Krimace as soon as Carla shows up.
After Fry Girl leaves, Krimace scans the room. She gasps “OMG I know that guy, his name is Mike.” Carla looks over and exclaims “He looks just like the guy from Twilight.”
Taylor Lautner Doppelganger and potential next bearding assignment for Taylor Swift.
Krimace tells us Michael is this guy that she shot her first t.v. show ever with called “Beyond the Break.”
The spin-off series to “Legends of the Hidden Temple” starring Olmec’s cousin Slow-mec.
Krimace thinks Michael is really hot. Carla tells her to get up and talk to him. Krimace is like nooo I don’t chase people. Camera close-up.
Krimace – “I lure them to me by making this face and slurping sound.”
AT THE PENTHOUSE…
Fry Girl arrives home.
Fry Girl – “Mommy is home.” Mason – “You’re just in time! Get your Joan Collins Dynasty shoulder pads in here!”
Fry Girl walks into the bedroom. Scott comments “You’re home early.”
Mason (in his crib) – “What do you think of my skin? Glowing huh?” Fry Girl – “I missed facials?” Scott – “You snooze you lose on the booze and facials.”
Fry Girl hops into bed with Scott who tells her he’s glad she’s home, but he’s tired and going to head back to his quarters. Fry Girl is like hold-up, stay and watch a movie with me. Scott curls up next to Fry Girl.
Scott – “Ah Mason, your suggestion for reverse psychology works every time.” Mason – “No problem, but if you two are going to ‘knock boots’ please take it in the other room and leave me the t.v. remote and some Cheetos.”
BACK AT LEX BAR…
Krimace is steady drinking her drinky drink when Carla asks her to watch her bag so she can go to the bathroom. Obviously Carla beelines it over to Michael while Krimace of course takes the opportunity to check her ‘Crackberry’.
Carla brings back Michael with her. Ahh now I remember who he is. He played Brooke Davis’ homophobic boyfriend Felix in Season 2 of ‘One Tree Hill’ and was at one point up for the role of Jacob in “New Moon” until they decided to keep Taylor Lautner.
Michael – “Chad Michael Murray who? It’s Michael Copon in the house, bitches!”
Krimace is like this is so embarrassing. She tells us Carla doesn’t need to go get her guys and bring them back to the table.
Krimace says hi and is like it’s been 6 years since I’ve seen you blah blah blah. Michael asks if Krimace was single back then. She replies yes to which Michael replies,
Michael – “How come you didn’t hit on me then?”
Bwhahaha she didn’t hit on you Michael, because she was holding out for “The Love of Ray J.”
Michael starts laughing and Krimace joins in. In between laughter Krimace stammers “This is so awkward.”
Krimace tells us she is dropping hints that she’s single and is like make a move buddy because she would never ask for someone’s number.
As Michael and his friend get up to leave, Carla grabs Krimace’s phone and asks for Michael’s number.
Krimace tells Carla she’s not going to call him because it’s not her style.
AT DASH LOCATION IN SOHO…
Fry Girl and Krimace arrive. Fry Girl tells us they have a two-year lease on the location. The two meet with designer Gregory Okshteyn from Studios Go, Inc.
Greg – “Over here we can have an homage to stripes.” Fry Girl – “You’ve been talking to Goth Ronald, haven’t you?”
During Greg’s assessment of the space Krimace gets a text message from KANYE WEST!!! Snap! Here comes our first celebrity guest of the series.
Krimace tells us she has been friends with Kanye West for a long time. Flashback pics of Krimace and Kanye. She tells us she really respects his fashion taste and sense of style so they wanted him to come and check out the store.
Here’s KANYE!!!!!!!!!!! *in ‘The Shining’ voice*
Kanye looks around as Krimace tells him she plans to have the store opened in two weeks. Kanye is like two weeks? Krimace is like whatever it’s a lot of work but it’s not like she actually has to do anything. She wants the store open by her birthday which segues into her asking if Kanye wants to accompany her to Vegas for her 30th birthday.
Kanye says sure.
Krimace and Fry Girl show Kanye their plans for the store and the special CD system.
Kanye – “You will play Beyonce in here, right?” Krimace – “Of course.”
Fry Girl interjects “Gold-digger.”
Kanye – “I like you Fry Girl.” Fry Girl – “It was Mason’s idea.”
Kanye smiles and says “Gold-digger is perfect for a store.”
Fry Girl tells us Krimace is the most boy crazy girl she knows and just loves to flirt especially via Miss Susie hand games.
The boys are in the bathroom pulling down their…flies are in the meadow…
Just then Scott walks in. Kanye utters “Wow he dresses amazing.”
Scott – “Your eyes do not deceive you. Yes, I do dress amazing, and my son has a matching suit.”
Scott and Kanye shake hands. Then the girls introduce Kanye to DASH employee Sheiva. Isn’t Sheiva the name of a Mortal Kombat character?
They’re like Sheiva, this is Kanye to which Kanye replies, “I think she knows that.” Hahaha ego still intact. Krimace is like don’t be a bastard, but naturally Scott sticks up for Kanye.
Scott – “He’s mother-fucking Kanye West.” Kanye – “I’m mother-fucking Kanye West.”
Kanye assures everyone he has managed to tone it down and is now a nice guy. Scott cracks that he’s been told the same but look at him now: he’s a calm easy going guy.
Scott – “Mason just texted me that Oprah ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Can you believe that shit and the shit that she must have had to take afterwards?”
THE NEXT MORNING…
Scott is feeding Fry Girl breakfast and comments how well he slept the night before. Fry Girl responds “You never sleep well.
Scott – “Open up the hatch. Don’t make me go Kamikaze on you. Speaking of…I really need to go downstairs and feed the ATM its cat.”
Then Krimace comes in, in a Rainbow Brite get-up.
Krimace – “Athletic Colour Kid Buddy Blue can star-sprinkle me anytime.”
Krimace is like but we were supposed to get breakfast together. Fry Girl explains her and Scott were watching a movie and fell asleep and ended up getting breakfast. Krimace reminds Fry Girl that they have the furniture store to go to today.
Fry Girl and Scott mock Krimace. Then Scott turns to Fry Girl and tells her “Sometimes you’re like a jungle baby” causing Fry Girl to “roar”.
Fry Girl and Krimace go shopping for DASH furniture. While shopping Krimace brings up that Fry Girl could have ordered breakfast for her. Fry Girl is like whatever from now on she’ll send her a warning email.
AT THE PENTHOUSE…
Fry Girl struggles to open the door, gasping “This is like the heaviest door on the planet. On the otherside is Scott.
Scott – “Someone hasn’t been taking her Flintstone vitamin.”
Fry Girl asks Scott to sit down. She’s been thinking since she’s been in NYC how much progress they’ve made in the past 8 months, and she would like to move back in together. They shake and kiss on it and head to the bedroom.
AT FITNESS CENTER…
Krimace and Fry Girl go to work on their fitness.
Fry Girl – “Hmm I think these are the Olivia Newton John approved weights…”
Fry Girl informs Krimace that she and Scott are moving back in together. Krimace replies “Umm whatever…this is not what I signed up for.”
The two fight and Krimace storms out proving Fry Girl right: Krimace is a drama queen.
ON THE ROOFTOP…
Krimace calls up Michael Copon a.k.a. “Almost Jacob Black”. She asks him out, surprising herself that she had the balls to do that. Looks like Krimace’s balls finally dropped.
Michael suggests Serendipity. I hope he realizes that there is a good chance Krimace will order the ridiculously expensive gold dessert and I don’t think he has that kind of cash flow.
There is no John Cusack to be found.
Michael is already there when Krimace sits down. She tells him this is her favorite place and couldn’t believe it was a real place after she saw the movie. She now thinks ‘Good Burger’ is a real place.
Krimace tells Michael he should rent the movie. Michael responds with we should watch it together. Krimace quickly responds “Easy there.” Michael replies “I was just suggesting.”
They cheers with a glass of water. Suddenly Krimace blurts “Wait, did you look me in the eye and I didn’t?” Apparently it means they will have seven years of bad sex. Krimace quickly wants to “cheers” again.
Krimace – “Quick let’s cheers before I end up dating Ray J again.”
The two flirt and she invites him to come over and see the view…but not like that.
AT THE PENTHOUSE…
Krimace and Michael ride up in the elevator.
Krimace – “At first Scott thought this was an ATM and tried to feed it a cat.” Michael – “Jesus Christ he really is Patrick Bateman.”
Michael notices Krimace presses 8. He comments 8 is his favorite number. Krimace is like me too. Haha what a pair of crazy 8′s.
Krimace takes Michael onto the balcony where he attempts to go in for a kiss and is DENIED! Krimace just wants to be single for now. He manages to get permission to kiss Krimace’s botoxed cheek.
LATER ON THAT NIGHT…
Krimace yells for Fry Girl. Scott walks into the room and is like what’s your squawking about? Turns out In Touch Magazine is running an exclusive about Krimace’s new man. Krimace is pissed. She just went on one date with Michael not even a couple of hours ago.
Krimace – “What am I going to do?” Scott – “What am I going to do that my favorite hair gel is being discontinued.” Fry Girl – “Your hair looks good btw.” Scott – “Thanks.” Mason (from other room) – “I ordered the last two cases for you. Pauly D is gonna be pissed but he’ll live.”
Scott in an odd moment of being the voice of reason tells Krimace it was just an innocent date and warns Krimace that magazines will probably print she is sleeping with the guy even though she knows she isn’t. Scott wants Krimace to live her life for her and know that he always has her back.
The two hug and Scott tells us he’s doing pretty good in New York.
Krimace apologizes to Fry Girl about earlier. Fry Girl apologizes for making her feel like the third wheel. The two make-up by having a good old fashioned “Khlo-ho and Fry Girl Fight” with pillows.
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS SEASON…
Although this episode was meh on the drama and slow-paced, this season looks to be filled with Krimace dating drama, a proposal from Scott to Fry Girl, the Goth makes an appearance to tell Krimace how disappointed and pissed she is, and much more.
See you guys next week.
P.S. Sorry about the formatting. Not sure what is going on with WordPress.