K&K Take NY: Scott’s Stick is Licked

L-Boogie here! I’m stepping in to recap for a little bit since I’ve given up self respect for Lent.  I haven’t watched this show at all but in the first three minutes Scott is still a jerk, Kim still pretends to be innocent and Kourtney is the only ‘woman’ who can give Jersey Shore’s Sammi a run for her money in the ‘I’m a sucker for love and national embarassment’ race.

.My piano lessons never went like this. Although this is how I paid for them.

We kick off the episde with Kourtney and Scott walking through paparazzi. One of them asks Scott what the new Fall look is and he decides to milk this for the next 29 minutes. Scott proclaims himself a fashion icon and rubs the fact that he and Kim are ‘icons’ into Kourtney’s face. Kim goes along with it, Kourtney protests and Scott states that he will find the next big thing in fashion. Color me impressed that they each managed to memorize their lines on this clearly scripted scene.

Next, Kim meets up with her ‘friend’ Ciara who just happens to be a singer. Kim manages to flub her lines in the first twelve seconds of the scene when she asks what Ciara is up to and then proceeds to answer her own question.

What have you been up to? I mean everyone knows you’re working on your latest novel. You are James Patterson right?

Ciara delivers some unbelievable news that the producers wrote and asked her to read! The Dream wants to record a song with Kim. Kim isn’t sure if she’ll say yes and I’m on the edge of my seat. With a rope around my neck. The day this girl turns down publicity is the day Ciara develops a personality that does NOT make me long for a shotgun.

Back to more important things, Scott buys a walking stick and plans to introduce this trend to the masses. I hate to break it to Scott but Kirk Douglas has cornered the trendy walking stick market. There is an opening in the Mr. Furley Ascot Tribute band.

Yep. I’d do Furley over Scott.

And I stand corrected on the “important things.” The salesperson makes it clar that it’s the perfect accessory for the man who needs nothing.

Kim meets up with The Dream and she gives the same introduction that all non singing bitches give producers. “I woke up sick.” The Dream just assumes that she is pregnant due to her propensity to hump anything that moves. Or lights up. Or is in the NBA. Or NFL. Or NAFTA.

And The Dream is no saint himself. He knocks up any woman he can trick into coming to his studio.

Nivea

Christina Milian

And now Kimmy.

With any luck, her singing career will go the same way as his previous conquests. Kim claims that it’s just a cold. Hmmm, where have I heard a woman named Kim make excuses for not having talent?

Oh yeah. Except this one admits to her plastic surgery.

I think it’s pretty funny that Kim keeps saying that she’s no Beyonce or Celine Dion. What happened to best buddy Ciara? Why doesn’t Kim want to compare her lack of vocal talent to Ciara’s, uh, equal lack of talent. Ok, point taken.

Kim agees to do the song because she was never NOT going to do it. Kim is lip synching at home with Kourtney, whose sole purpose this episode is to deliver blank eyed stares and half memorized lines while apparently under the influence of NYC street dirt.

Yes. This dumb b*%ch just licked the bottom of a used walking stick.

Ok, I take it back. She’s actually in an abusive relationship and that’s one of the reasons I hate watching these people. Scott will forever be an abusive jerk in my mind and Kourteney will always be a fool for settling for him. So sick of these two…but I love when abusive men are having a non placebo day because then they do sweet things like take their girlfriend out for donuts and coffee. Scott voluntarily holds a fan’s purse on his stick. Then he points out every menu item with his dirty cane which is actually pretty funny. They run out of the place after Scott drops his cane and spreads enough pigeon crap across the menu to start the second Plague.

Scott and Kourtney hobble over to Dash and two of the construction workers are wearing ascots in mocking honor of their bosses sperm donor. Scott proceeds to play stick ball with his cane and a ball of tape. Kourteney’s pissed. I’m bored.

Kim goes to the studio to work on her song and she has a very hard time singing the song. First the music is too loud, then it’s too low, then her ass is too big, then the median climate is too warm, then the national deficit is too high. I HATE when people hate on others who stumbled into millions of dollars by virtue of a sex tape, reality show or being born with it. But what I hate more, is watching these lucky bastards fail at any attempt to pull together a talent. If we’re being honest, even her sex tape was wack! And I know I’m living in 1999 just by mentioning that whole thing but the fact is, she has yet to show me why she deserves to be in this business. Seriously, all The Dream wants her to do is sing-talk “I’m going out tonight, all my bills are paid (by you douchebags who watch my show-ooh-ow).” Grow some balls to go with that ass, Kim! She freaks out, leaves the studio and claims that she’s going to leave. Kourtney half heartedly talks her into going back into the studio and Kim sing talks her lines. Hooray! Also, Kourtney channels her inner truck driver.

Show us your tits!

Next! Scott, in a satin suit, goes into his closet to retrieve his walking stick and it’s gone! Anyone else feel like your watching a really bad subplot of “thirtysomething”? Kourteney plays dumb, and I use the term ‘plays’ VERY lightly, and insists that she doesn’t know where the walking stick is. Scott proceeds to handle this in a manner only a satin suit wearing tinman without a heart could. He picks up all of Kourteney’s shoes, places them in a pillowcase and dangles them over the edge of the building. Dear producers, if you expect us to think that Kourtney’s shoes will all fit into one smedium pillowcase, you are sadly mistaken. If you think that I’m a loser who’d notice this, you are so right. Scott threatens to throw them over the ledge but Kourtney relents and tells him where the cane is. It turns out she hid it under couch cushions on the balcony.

The Tin Man is reunited with his stick. The heart eludes him still.

Kim goes to the studio to listen to her song and it sounds – fine. She explains to Kourteney and Scott that they will “donate half the money to cancer.” I’ve never heard it put like that. Usually money is donated to cancer research, cancer societies, cancer hospitals…but just plain old cancer. Knowing these money hungry chicks, Cancer is probably their nickname for Ciara.

Next week, Scott is a sloppy pig, Kourteney gets annoyed with him (shocker!) and Kim lets yet another guy see her naked. I will commence gouging my eyes and ears. Now. Is anyone watching this? Really? It is just so scripted. It also feels like Kim is the Beyonce to everyone else’s Destiny’s child. Everything they do seems to ultimately serve the purpose of elevating her career while they get the scraps of her fame. Perhaps I’m just bitter. Yep, that’s it. See ya next week!