Knight And Day

Hello Gasmii!  P-Baby here, back again to bring you the finest literature in recapping of movies, DVDs, and adventures in horror.  Today’s serving will be about the new summer movie Knight and Day, starring everyone’s favorite Scientology fueled maniac Tom Cruise and boy-band loving attention whore Cameron “Leatherface” Diaz.

P-Baby tidbit #2:  I love Tom Cruise.  I can’t help myself and will stand by him until my dying day.  When I was twelve, I would watch Top Gun in the basement every single night and would pause it during scenes in which I thought Tom looked particularly enticing, murmuring sweet nothings to the screen.  My parents thought I was autistic.  One of the  goals of my early adolescent life was to own every movie he ever starred in.  That was short lived after I spent $20 on a VHS copy of Legend and upon viewing wanted to rip my eyes out.

Anyway, think what you will about Tommy C. and his personal life but the boy can act and can certainly still carry a movie.  Ms. Diaz, on the other hand, can take her lithe bikini body and frying pan face off my screen.  Cammie, sunblock.  Now.

The film opens with Roy Miller (Tom) at the Wichita airport, smarmy as ever wearing sunglasses indoors as he browses trinkets at the gift shop.  He spots June Havens (Diaz) and takes an interest in her, though we aren’t quite sure yet why.  In the span of five minutes Roy manages to coincidentally run into and flirt with June twice while they make their way to their flights.

If I’m June, my serial killer warning bells are already ringing on high alert.  Since I’m not June and June is June, she is of course intrigued by this Roy fellow  with complete disregard for personal safety.  Clearly June has not seen the movie Red-Eye and realized just how serious shit can get after flirting with strange men at the airport.

While all this meet cute crap is going on we find out that June is a native of Boston and owns a car repair garage.  I know when I see Cameron Diaz the first thing I think of is rough-talking Bostonite with an extensive knowledge of cars.  While my gut reaction was to think that whoever the casting director was for this movie completely sucks at their job, after careful considertion I’ve decided that said casting director actually hates Cameron Diaz and decided to play an elaborate joke on her by showcasing her feeble attempt at a Boston accent for all to enjoy.  Fist bump, casting director.

Once June is done giving Roy blow jobs in the airport restroom, she finds out that she’s been bumped to a later flight due to overcrowding.  Somewhere in the dark shadows of the government agency underbelly, Agent Fitzgerald, played by Peter Saarsgard, decides that June is in cahoots with Roy and puts her back on the flight.

Upon boarding, June doesn’t  notice that her “overcrowded” flight has a total of six people on board.  Fail #1.

She then blathers on to Roy for ages about lord only knows before heading to the restroom to freshen up.  I absolutely loathe when people talk to me on airplanes.  Is it too much to ask to listen to Styx and read my stories in peace?

While June is in the best soundproofed bathroom ever created by man, Roy is attacked by all the other passengers on the flight, the flight attendant and pilot.  Punches, kicks, stabbings, and even shots are fired all the while June is teasing her hair in the bathroom, unaware of any disturbances.  Fail #2.

June finally leaves the bathroom and, unaware of the dead bodies around her,  boldly strolls  up to Roy, placing a fat, wet one right on the lips.  Roy informs June that everyone on board is now dead, including the pilots, which June believes to be a joke.

Proving his statement to be true, Roy heads to the cockpit to attempt to land the plane while the passengers’ bodies fall to the side as the plane shifts.  Roy successfully lands the plane in a cornfield.  Upon landing, Roy hands June a liquid, instructing her to drink up.  Fail #3.

After drugging June, Roy explains to her that she will most likely be visited by government types very shortly who will want to take her someplace “safe and secure” when they in reality are probably going to kill her.  While he is teling her these things, Roy is changing shirts.  Guys, Roy works out.

After being drugged, rather than being pissed that she was just in a plane crash and slipped a roofie, June wakes up happy and excited to  find that Roy has left her a few post-it note messages and even cooked her an omlet.  I’ll give June this, omlets are pretty bad-ass but after a plane crash and drugging, I’m going to need at least a Denny’s Original Grand Slam breakfast to get back to 100%.

She makes it to her bridesmaid dress fitting for her sister’s upcoming wedding.  Her ungrateful sister informs June of her desire to sell their father’s GTO in order to afford a downpayment on a home, which upsets June who was planning on finishing the car to give as a wedding present.

At the dress fitting, June goes outside after someone informs her of her truck being ticketed or towed or something, where she is intercepted by a group of intelligence agents.  While she is on her way to someplace “safe and secure” Roy arrives and lots of chase scenes and car accidents ensue, with Roy managing to take control of June and get her to safety.

Since June is fucking idiot, she decides she is better off on her own and leaves Roy.  She runs to find Rodney, played by Marc Blucas, a firefighter and her ex-boyfriend, to tell him the events of the past 24 hours.  He doesn’t quite comprehend her story and just attributes her flailing and panic to stress.

Rodney attempts to soothe June at the diner while also declaring his still-lingering feelings for her until Roy shows up to shit all over Rodney’s chances of a reconciliation.   Taking drastic measures, Roy kidnaps June at gunpoint, handcuffing her and eventually non-lethally shooting Rodney when he gets in the way.  Not to worry, Roy says, as Rodney will be hailed as a hero and most likely promoted to Lieutenant.

Roy explains to June that she is clearly safer with him, as we’ve all seen in the trailer 937 times.  We got it Roy.

June decides to accompany Roy as he goes to pick up Simon Feck, an American teenage genius scientist who has just invented the world’s strongest battery, also known as the Zephyr.

Upon arriving at the safe house that Roy last left Simon at, he discovers it is empty.  Simon has left him a message though, stating that he is on a train in the Alps.  While at the safehouse, Roy and June get ambushed by men who work for a Spanish arms dealer named Antonio.

During the ambush, Roy drugs June again in order to get her to shut her humongous trap as well as provide a smooth movie transition from safehouse to their capture and inevitable escape.  June, STOP DRINKING UNMARKED BOTTLES OF LIQUID.  SHIT.

June regains consciousness, and they are conveniently now at Roy’s off the grid island home that he uses as his own personal safehouse.  She then takes a phone call from her sister, giving away her location to the CIA who attack the island with a remote drone.

Roy knocks June out again.  Jesus titty-fucking Christ, June.  This bitch is on her own.

June wakes up and finds herself on a train in the Alps.  She decides to go get something to eat, failing to see a sticky-note from Roy instructing her to stay put.  She runs into a guy named Danny while getting food, who she mistakenly believes to be Simon.  Danny is of course a German assassin sent to kill Roy and get control of Simon.

We finally see the real Simon Feck, played by Paul Dano and I think Simon and I would be total BFF.  He grooves on Hall and Oates and he looks like he’d give me a run for my money in a head to head Tetris battle.

Roy comes in and rescues Simon and June from Danny, and gets them to their next stop, a hotel in Spain.   Roy then goes to meet with an associate of Antonio.  June takes it upon herself to wander around a foreign country at night by herself and follows Roy.  She is captured by Agent Fitzgerald and goons, who inform June that Roy is actually planning on selling the Zephyr to Antonio. She’s quite upset by this piece of news and agrees to help turn Roy over to them.

She uses a pen given to her by the CIA dorks to notify them when Roy is back in her room.  He appears with the Zephyr which is beginning to show signs of overheating.  Roy hauls ass out of the hotel room when the CIA arrive, and after a quick chase, falls into a canal after an apparent gun shot wound.

June is saddened by Roy’s death and returns home to go back to her everyday life.  For some unknown reason, she remembers an address from Roy’s phone and decides to go to the location.   Once there, she realizes that the home’s occupants are Roy’s parents.  After being invited in, June finds out that Roy’s real name is Matthew Knight.  His parents believe Matthew to be dead, killed in the Iraq war.

Matthew/Roy’s parents often experience sweepstakes and lottery winning, though they never remember entering.  From this, June deduces that Roy is probably still alive.  She decides to leave a message on her own answering machine assuming that it is being monitored claiming that she is in possession of the Zephyr.  She knows doing this will draw either Antonio or the CIA to come after her to capture her.  This will then lead to Roy magically appearing from his staged death to come save her. 

So, at this stage, we are supposed to believe that the girl who flirts with psychos, fails to see dead bodies, gets roofied no less than three times, and mistakes a German killer for a teenage scientist has the foresight to come up with this elaborate scheme so a guy who may or may not be alive will come to her rescue.  Outstanding plan, June.  Very well thought out.

June gets captured by Antonio’s men and is whisked back to beautiful Spain.  Antonio’s thugs feed her a truth serum in hopes of finding out what her motives are. Roy shows up after being led to Spain by Agent Fitzgerald.  Roy had been tracking Agent Fitzgerald, and we see that Agent Fitz  was planning on turning Simon over to Antonio.  Roy and June escape on a motorcycle into the streets of Spain just in time for the running of the bulls.

Roy chases after Agent Fitz and ends up turning the Zephyr over to Fitz after a tense show down.  Roy also manages to save Simon from being shot.  Simon reminds Roy that the battery has been overheating and is extremely unstable.  Moments later, the battery explodes killing Agent Fitz.

Roy collapses from a gunshot wound and wakes up in a hospital.  His boss is at his bedside and informs him that June has returned home.  Shortly after, a nurse comes in to administer some meds to Roy.  Wouldn’t you know but it’s June!  Hot damn!   June drugs Roy, and he finds himself waking up in her GTO.  The movie ends with June driving them towards Cape Horn to live happily ever after off the grid.

Now normally I’m not one to say, “Hey, that’s super unbelievable,” whilst watching movies because I know we need to suspend reality a bit.  But how the fuck did someone as low-functioning as June manage to get another person and a car to a completely different continent?  That’s not just improbable, it’s the most fucking impossible thing that could ever, ever happen.  God damn.  Enough.  I can only take so much.

On that note, I’m done with this shit.  Tom’s still ok in my book but he’s on probation.  His next movie better include some sweaty volleyball with a little bit of Old Time Rock ‘n Roll to get back in my good graces.  Until then, he’s dead to me.