PREVIOUSLY ON KOURTNEY AND KHLOE TAKE MIAMI
Hey guys, it’s Swellmel jumping in to recap Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.
For those of you following season two, HappyHousewife did an excellent job of recapping the first episode, “Back in Miami”.
There was no recap for episode two entitled “Wax on/Wax Off” so Flipit instructed me to provide you guys with a quick summary of episode two and then we’ll jump right into episode 3.
Basically episode, 2 “Wax on/Wax Off” can be boiled down to three words: hot ass wax.
In “Wax on/Wax Off” (I have this image of Mr. Miyagi in drag working in a salon) Khloe’s vajayjay is assaulted by hot wax at the hands of her loving sister Kourtney. Khloe then faces utter embarrassment when her husband Lamar tries to get freaky with her and she has to explain to him what happened.
Yeahh I think that about sums about episode 2. If you care to have that scene burned into your memory or are looking to jump start your bikini diet by purging check out one of the many clips on hulu.com
Moving along to episode 3, “Scott-o-phrenia.”
The third episode begins with an opening montage of the song “Dangerous” and the outline of a neon green man dancing on the buildings of Miami. Nice.
Snap! I left my crown jewels on that other building.
Khloe is working her gig at “Khloe After Dark” and telling her listeners that she has a major fascination with crimes against humanity.
Like this one.
Khloe’s guest is Police Chief Miguel Esposito, a sexy Latino crime fighter. Terrance, Khloe’s co-host, asks Miguel if he has any get-out-of-jail free cards on him.
Miguel laughs and tells Terrance no.
Haha hell no. You’re on your own for your next DUI. I gave my last one to Heather Locklear. Damn that TJ Hooker is still fine.
Khloe continues saying how she loves crime shows. Like Dora the Explorer who apprehends Swiper and Scooby Doo and those pesky kids busting criminals.
Suddenly the screen goes fuzzy as Khloe has a flashback of her and Lamar laying in bed watching CSI: Miami.
Lamar, how does that ginger not burn up in the son? Khloe, he’s a daywalker. Those bitches don’t fry like regular gingers.
Khloe tells Lamar that she loves this song because every girl kills their husband or their partner. Causing Lamar to do this.
Khlo-ho, if your stupid ass tries to kill me, there’s gonna be a whole lot of Chocolate Rain hurt up in this mofo. You feel me?
Khloe snaps back to reality and asks so what makes a sociopath a sociopath?
Miguel explains that a lot of guys look like the guy next door. Which makes Terrance wonder what happens when you don’t know what the guy next door looks like.
Exhibit A. Wilson
Before Terrace can ask Miguel “Yo, Tim Taylor’s neighbor could have been a sociopath” Khloe blurts that she has OCD and is really suave, does that make her a sociopath?
Miguel says maybe and quickly bolts from the studio.
Afterwards, Khlo-ho’s Producer Michael Yo stops by to make sure Khloe didn’t succumb to her sociopathic tendencies and kill Miguel.
Khloe tells Michael she really wants to interview a real sociopath. It can’t be that hard since she lives with one now: Scott.
Michael expresses his concerns but Khloe is determined to feed on a sociopath’s energy just like her idol Winifred.
Sucking the lives out of children since 1693.
Michael tentatively agrees. Terrance says whatever. He’ll just make sure to call in sick that day.
Cue opening credits.
Scott takes Kourtney and Mason to MIA, the club where he is working.
And over here, if you turn on the black light you’re in for a real treat…
Kourtney is ecstatic to see Scott working because it will get Momma Tarantula Eyes (Kris) off their backs.
Scott tells Kourt-Kourt that they’ll be having a soft opening (his words not mine LOL) in a couple of days but they’re going to need a lot of girls to show up otherwise it’s going to be a sausage fest and Club MIA doesn’t stand for Men Initiating Anal, it stands for Men Initiating Ass with women. Kourtney shrugs saying same difference while Mason looks angry.
I thought MIA stood for Made in America. You know, like mom’s implants and Aunt Kim’s ass. Next you’ll be telling me Santa isn’t real…
Scott wants Kourtney’s D.A.S.H. employees to attend the event but she shoots down the idea. Oddly, Scott doesn’t argue and says he’ll respect Kourtney’s opinion. Hmm he must be up to something.
AT A RESTAURANT…
There is no real sense of time with these Kardashians so I’m assuming it is the next day. Anyway, Khloe, Kourtney and Mason are at a restaurant that sort of reminds me of Merlotte’s.
Kourtney is fondling Mason’s feet and telling Khlo-ho how soft his feet are when Khloe gets a call from Michael Yo, YO!! Michael has good news and bad news. The bad news is Khloe can’t interview a serial killer. Damn. The good news is she can interview Dr. Helen Morrison. He asks Khloe if she’s ever heard of John Wayne Gacy. He killed 33 young men.
Really? I thought he destroyed Satan’s Ferrari cake resulting in Satan getting an Acura cake and oh boy did that piss Satan off.
Michael ignores Khloe’s South Park rant and tells her that Dr. Morrison actually has Gacy’s brain and is open to being interviewed by Khloe. Khloe would need to travel to Chicago.
Khloe is up for the challenge as long as Kourtney and Mason can come along.
Sure. What’s the worst that can happen? My baby becomes possessed by an ancient painting and we have to call Egon and Peter.
TWO DAYS LATER: CHICAGO…
Kourtney tells Khloe she’s going to go shopping with Mason while Khloe interviews what’s left of Gacy’s brain.
As Kourtney talks baby talk to Mason, Khloe tells her that funny voices are one of the signs of a sociopath. Kourtney snaps back that Khloe talks that way to Lamar which incites rage in Khloe.
Mason helplessly looks on as the sociopath in Khloe comes out and attacks his mom.
Mason – “Where the hell is Dexter when you need him?”
BACK IN MIAMI…
Scott’s douche crew from NYC arrives for the opening of his news club. Scott brings them up to speed concerning the latest activities of Khloe and Kourtney: tracking down serial killer brains in Chicago.
Of course, after hearing something like that the guys all want to take a shot.
Why does this bottle look like a vase?
The d-bags start drinking heavily and soon their neighbors want in on the action. One guy desperate for camera time takes a “shot” from Scott’s balcony.
Hey, this grain alcohol tastes a lot like piss.
BACK IN CHICAGO…
Khloe meets with forensic specialist Dr. Helen Morrison. Morrison hands Khloe a Zip Lock bag containing slices of Gacy’s brains.
Yummo! I’d like to see Rachael Ray make a 30 min. meal out of these.
Khloe tells Morrison they look like hamburger patties. Morrison looks at Khloe and warns little Miss Hamburglar not to get any ideas.
Morrison explains to Khloe that all serial killers are the same. It doesn’t matter what age, gender or country they’re from, it’s like all serial killers are cut from the same sociopathic Keebler Elf Cookie Cutter.
Ernie, the original homicidal Keebler Elf.
Morrison goes on to explain the difference between a sociopath and a serial killer. A sociopath is an individual with no conscience a.k.a. a con man.
Images of Scott begin flashing through Khloe’s pea-sized brain.
This one in particular is my favorite, and I didn’t even have to spice up the quote. It’s all Scott. LOL.
You have to have a high arm hole and a good shoulder. That’s the look.
BACK AT DASH…
Scott and his posse of Tea-baggers stop by the Dash store. Dash employee Katy says that Scott and his friends are super into themselves.
I’m not gonna lie. This chair is now 100% dead sexier with my hot-ass sherbert color-coordinated body sitting in it.
The Tea-baggers convince the Dash girls to come out to the soft opening of MIA tonight but not before Katy inquires what is a hard opening. Haha Katy, you little Bukkake queen.
Scott tells the camera Kourtney can’t get mad at him for the guys inviting the girls to MIA. He doesn’t control his Tea-baggers. He just feeds them liquor and instructions.
Khloe and Kourtney are loose on the streets of Chicago. Kourtney asks Khloe what did the brain look like? Khloe replies like slices of hamburger.
I so would have gotten a patty if my Fry Guy hadn’t abandoned me to go shopping.
Then Khloe once again reiterates to Kourt that Scott possesses all of the traits of a serial killer. Kourt shrugs and tells Khloe to forget about it.
Fortunately for Kourt, at that moment, a man with a terrible comb-over walks by and distracts Khloe. Khloe’s eyes narrow and she declares men with comb-overs to be serial killers. Khloe, if that was true, I think Donald Trump would have done us all a favor and taken care of Rosie O’Donnell a long time ago.
Help! The Donald is trying to kill me. No, he doesn’t want to take me to Super Save. HE WANTS TO KILL ME!!
BACK IN MIAMI…
Rashid a.k.a. Tea-bagger no. 1 (Scott, a Seuss fan, has assigned his baggers numbers a la Thing 1, Thing 2) is playing doorman and has let the Dash employees into the condo.
Ladies, forgive my sweatshirt ensemble. Scott is still picking out my outfit.
The Dash girls are impressed by the suite. As they walk outside, Katy asks if that is a hot tub time machine.
The camera zooms in on Scott’s face.
Of course it’s fucking hot tub time machine. How do you think I manage to run a club in Miami and feed my NYC ATM its cat by 5 p.m. each day?
Scott is beyond irritated that his Tea-baggers invited these hussies over to his pad. He doesn’t remember giving them instructions to do that. Then again he was drinking a lot and can’t remember if he turned the flat iron off in the bathroom either. “THING 2,” he yells!!!
While Thing 2 runs to check on Scott’s Sedu flat iron, Scott takes his frustrations out on Thing 3.
Scott tells the ladies that Thing 3 said “all three of you are going to get it and you don’t even know it.”
Time out. I said “They would know it. I took Viagra.”
The girls laugh.
The soft opening of MIA is going strong. A robotic voice chants “Party People, Party People” and oooo look David Silver is DJ-ing.
What up West Beverly!!!
Strobe lights circa J.Lo’s 1999 music video “Waiting for Tonight” flash and burn the retinas of clubbers. One of the Tea-baggers approaches Scott providing us with this lovely screen caption.
Scott tells the camera that he can ‘out party’ his tea-baggers any time.
Then a montage of debauchery flashes across the screen including this.
The things I do for Vinnie Chase.
Yeah, you pussy. You can’t handle my Matilda Bay Wine Cooler. Mwhahaha.
Thing 1 attempts to talk to Katy, but Scott tells us Thing 1 won’t seal the deal so Scott needs to give him a little nudge.
Kiss her or you’ll get a face full of my Matilda Bay Wine Cooler.
So Thing 1 moves in for the kill.
Yeahhhh I don’t think she’s into the Seussical.
One of the girls asks if Thing 1 got Katy’s number and Scott shouts out “Her number is on the back of a business card and on the front it says HOOKER!”
LOL. Ah Scott, somebody needs a Day Desk Calendar because your one-liners are on fire.
Katy, upset, leaves the room.
Hello!?!? My business card says “Lady of the Night” not “Hooker”. Damn it get it right. I paid good money for those. “They’re glossy cardstock with bone coloring.”
Katy is crying in the bathroom and Scott attempts to enter.
Come on ladies, I’m a problem-solver. Let me in. If it makes you feel more comfortable I’ll give myself a “man-gina.”
The girls love a man who can hide his dick so they let him in. Scott, who at this point is slurring his words, tells Katy he doesn’t think she’s a prostitute. She obviously works hard for her money.
Katy isn’t sure if Scott is sincere but she knows for sure that he doesn’t want to be in trouble with little Fry Guy Kourt.
Dash employee Jacqui tells Katy it’s a big thing for a guy to give himself a “man-gina” and that she should accept Scott’s apology.
THE NEXT DAY…
Khloe and Kourtney are back in town. The two see evidence of Scott and the Tea-baggers partaying from the night before.
Even Snookie stopped by.
The girls are looking at pictures online from the MIA soft opening. Katy sees the picture of her and Thing 1 making out and snaps “Eww can you delete that” just as Kourtney and Khloe enter the store.
Khloe asks who invited the girls to the MIA opening and they tell her Scott and his Tea-baggers stopped by the store and invited them.
Kourtney looks super pissed.
Pocahontas is on the rag so watch out!
Then the girls tell Kourtney and Khloe about Katy making out with Thing 1 and they’re like WTF??!? And Katy yelps no, no, no, no, Scott was institigating. He threatened Thing 1 with a Matilda Bay Wine Cooler.
Kourtney nods, “ah yes, the Matilda Bay Wine Cooler tactic. It’s how he won my heart.”
Katy goes on and spills how Scott said she had a hooker business card and then gave himself a man-gina so he could enter the bathroom to apologize.
Khloe smirks and tells the camera “Scott is a sociopath.”
LATER THAT NIGHT…
Kourtney confronts Scott and he admits he failed to tell her everything that went on that night.
Sorry Boo, it must have slipped my mind when I was traveling back via the Hot Tub Time Machine. Speaking of, the ATM is getting hungry…
As Kourtney and Scott argue, Khloe eavesdrops from the kitchen.
THE NEXT DAY AT DASH…
Khloe is on the internet googling info about Ted Bundy. She asks the girls if they know who Ted Bundy is and surprisingly they do.
Pleased, Khloe begins spouting off characteristics of a serial killer, explaining to her staff that Scott possesses the majority of these.
Kourtney still refuses to believe it, but then again she was never the brightest crayon in the box.
AT A QUICK TRIM FASHION SHOOT…
Kourtney and Khloe are posing for new campaign ads. Scott is wearing a lime green suit.
Where does he shop? Skittles R’ Us?
Khloe starts bringing up Scott’s sociopathic tendencies to Quick Trim owner Keith Frankel.
Frankel doesn’t care if Scott is a sociopath as long as Scott sells the product. Wow. The diet pill industry is tough.
Scott “thanks” Khloe for undermining him in front of his boss and she replies “No, problem Kermie.”
Good eye Khloe. Scott does look like Kermit the Frog in this episode, if Kermit the Frog had Patrick Bateman’s psycho hand shoved up his puppet ass.
BACK AT KOURTNEY’S PLACE…
Kourtney is feeding Mason and Khloe is analyzing the lyrics of nursery rhymes like “Row Row Row Your Boat.”
I seriously bust out laughing at Khloe because honestly that is the type of random crap that me and my friends do all the time.
Scott enters the room and is rocking a baby pink Dorothy Spornak cardigan.
I thought if Spornak’s broad shoulders could carry off a feminine cardigan so can mine!
Mason starts fussing and Khloe says it’s because he knows his daddy is a sociopath.
Kourtney and Mason leave the room as Khloe and Scott’s voices get louder. Scott starts to follow when Khloe shouts out that Scott’s eyes have murder in them.
Scott blows a gasket and shrieks “If I were a murderer wouldn’t I be the wrong fucking person to fuck with!?!?!?”
In that sweater, that would be a yes.
And with that Scott storms out of the room.
Khloe gobbles down a piece of Gacy brain (yes, she went back and grabbed a slice) as she relishes pissing off Scott.
Mmm Rachael Ray’s 30 min. meal was YUMMO!
It’s been fun recapping this for you guys. Hope I did HappyHousewife’s series justice.
Tune in next week for a potential Hot Tub Time Machine three-way and explosive fight between Rob and Khloe.