The finale is finally here. While I can’t say I am going to miss the Kardashians et al, I will definitely miss making fun of them. I am also going to try to use the f-bomb less. No promises. Like Kim’s marriage vows, my ability to remove the f-word from my vocab is tenuous at best. Tonight’s guest of honour is Big Billy Bob and he is the wine glass that will be holding my beverage of choice. Why do I have a wine glass named Big Billy Bob? Glad you asked…
Introducing: Big Billy Bob
Big Billy Bob vs. Standard Wine Glass (fyi BBB is holding a full bottle of wine)
And with that off we go…
We pick up right where we left off last week (or the day before yesterday). Kim is bawling her eyes out and realizes she doesn’t want to be married. Kourtney says maybe they should try things in a normal setting. Kim figures that she should have dated Hump longer. Why? So you could get to know him? Glad you thought of that after two months of marriage. Bimbo.
Just so happy I got married
Out of nowhere we discover that apparently Snott is opening a Japanese restaurant. I really wish he would discuss these things with me. After all we are BFFs now. He talks with a man named Junior who reminds me of the kind of person that would leave a horse head in some one’s bed. Just saying. And in the interest of self preservation I want it to be known that I am not accusing anyone of anything, not saying anything to the police and not ever using my real name again. Ever in life.
Absolutely NO need to identify anyone
First order of business in the new restaurant? What kind of chair does Snott want in his office. I want to have his kind of money. The kind where real things don’t matter and delusional is not just a cheap perfume. An excited Snott goes back to the hotel and tells Kourtney about the restaurant. In true Kardashian fashion she supports him by telling him, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Excited cow of support
Hump shows up and after Spawn babbles something Hump calls out to Snott that Spawn is looking for “the iPad”. Snott says, “No, he has a different one.” Now, I know that I said I would never talk about Spawn but REALLY? Kid still shits himself and he has an iPad? I haven’t shit myself in weeks and I can’t even afford one. FML.
Not playing on my two year olds iPad
Kim finally decides to talk to Hump. She mentions that she feels dead inside and says that after all of the wedding hype and going straight to NY that, “It’s been a lot to deal with that I don’t think I was prepared for.” I feel that she’s a bitch and an idiot and that she should go back to her roots: porn. No emotional bullshit in porn Kimmy. Hump just thinks that they need to spend more time together. Like they should have BEFORE the wedding. Thank everything that they didn’t spawn. Kim, instead of admitting that their marriage is a fucking joke, agrees and says that they owe it to each other to give this relationship everything they have. Oh how I hope these crazy kids work it out.
Having a grown up conversation
Hump and Kim decide that a relationship saver would be to go to Pilates together. I only take people I hate to Pilates. But I bet these kids know what they are doing. Oops, spoke too soon. Pilates turns out to be an ENORMOUS mistake. Apparently Kim doesn’t show emotion while she’s working out. Hump says that he shows emotion while he works out.
I love you Kimmmm
I don’t really understand his logic but he says emotion makes it a better work out. Because of his comment and not because he’s a fucking reh-tard, Kim stomps out while saying, ““I fucking hate you. Die slowly” I wish. Actually she says that she hates working out with people. Then they have a lame fight about it and Kim makes a see-u-n-tay (take a minute, you’ll figure it out) like comment to the trainer. (see below)
Thank you. I’ll be back without him.
Kim and Kourtney do some last minute New York shopping. Whointhefuck pops up on my screen for no reason. Thanks bitch. You know, I know names of people I don’t want to know the names of yet, I have never heard anyone mention Whointhefuck’s real name. Not complaining, just making a point.
I just laughed so hard wine shot out my nose. WHOINTHEFUCK!
Kourtney talks about Snott and the restaurant. Kim the expert tells Kourtney that she needs to be more supportive of Scott. Kim looks us straight in the camera and says, “You know, you need to be supportive of your man.” Fuck. Off. I would go to a wife beater in jail before I would go to you for relationship advice. What a taint. Kourtney says she knows she needs to be supportive but sometimes she just forgets. You can please fuck off too, Kourtney.
Sometimes, I forget to use eyeliner sparingly. And to support people.
Kim and Hump go out to eat. Kim describes it by saying, “Our date is kind of awkward it’s kind of like our relationship, we didn’t have much to talk about its just weird.” Thank goodness you are married, you’ll have TONS of time to think of things to say to each other. They talk about moving all his stuff to LA. Kim makes a STUNNING statement when she tells him that he can’t bring his whole wardrobe. I don’t even know what to say. She actually told her husband not to bring his stuff to “her house”. Ho-ly hell.
Sooo yeah. I want to be with you but not your stuff.
In an effort, not for TV, to be supportive – Kourtney visits Snott at the “restaurant”. She grills him on every last detail. To be supportive. You should ask about his office chair Kourt. He has that shit LOCKED. Snott calls bullshit on the play and says,”You have a lot to say huh?” To which Kourt replies,”I have a brain and I like to use it.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Liar.
WHY CAN’T I SEE MY EYELASHES?
Kourtney talks to Hump about living with “us”. Hump says that it’s been interesting but goes on to say that Kim has maxed out the space in her home and that they need to find a new home together because he feels weird about “demanding space in her home.” Listen trick, you fucktards are MARRIED. Half that shit is yours. Demand away. Tell her PBD says so.
I am SO excited to move into my wife’s house
When Kim sees all of Hump’s things all packed up she starts trippin’ balls about all his stuff at “her house”. Bitch, we discussed this. The house belongs to BOTH of you.
Wait. No one said you would be moving into my house. Not in the vows.
As they snip at each other about the logistics, Kourtney says,”You’re such a bitch Kim. If I were Kris I would hate you right now.” Five points for Kourtney for calling that cow udder out! Hump latches on to the only support he has ever received and says,“I’m trying to meet her halfway and she’s talking about my boxes not fitting in her house. It’s true Kim. You’re not ready for someone in your life.” Fuck. Yes. Now punch her.
A bitch by any other name is Kim
Kim goes into the bathroom and confronts Kourtney. Kourtney doesn’t understand why Kim would be saying those things to Hump if he thinks that they are trying to work things out. Kim says it makes her want to throw up. Kourtney doesn’t buy her shit and walks away. Good for you Kourt. Now you punch her.
I would buy your bullshit but my credit card doesn’t have a limit that big.
Kim goes into the hair and makeup room in their suite. Because everyone has a hair and makeup room in reality. From this average room Kim calls Troll to try and gain some support. Kim replays the drama to Troll making it sound like Hump wants to bring guns, hookers, and coke to LA. She starts crying and saying how it’s not fair because she keeps telling everyone how she isn’t happy. STOP. Remember that time that you told everyone BUT Hump that you weren’t happy? Me too. Good times. For reals yo, I am going to create a perfume called Delusional(tm) and the campaign is going to feature Kim Kardashian.
Delusional for Women
Troll tries to talk Kim off the ledge, although I really wish she would just tell her to end it all. Then Troll earns her name by saying how different Kim is and how badly Hump treats her. Look. I have been here for half a season and even I know that the only person treating anyone badly is Kim. Quit enabling this boil-on-my-ass. Aaargh! I need to drink more because I feel invested in the need to counsel Kim into suicide. Not cool. Kourtney comes into the room and Kim starts trying to spin shit.
Just hanging out in my room that has nothing to do with TV
“I feel awful that I feel that way, I feel awful that like I fell in love with a guy and its like not what I thought it would be. Everyone sees that I’m a different person. I’m such a bitch like I’m just not myself, and I’m not happy. It happened way too fast and I didn’t know him.” Well now. Time to be a grown up Princess and own up to your actions. Stop bitching to everyone, including the camera, BUT your husband. Grow the fuck up. Hate her more than Moscato wine. (and that is a lot since booze and I have agreed to never hate one another). Suddenly there is a knock at the door. “Kim!”, it’s Kris.
Oh shit! Real life is at the door!
Kim flips her noodle and asks, “What do I say? Why am I crying?” How about the fucking truth you sorry fucking excuse for a woman? Kourtney finally speaks and loses any molecule of respect I had for her by saying, “Just don’t answer the door.”
My wife probably isn’t anywhere near the horde of camera men. I’ll go this way.
Kourtney tells Kim about her conversation with Kris (he deserves his real name back after all this trollop has put him through). Before they can delve any further into the situation Snott walks in and asks, “What the hell is going on?” JEEBUS! Your pants are what’s going on besty!
Just. Take. Them. Off.
Kim explains how horrible it is that Kris wants to move all his things to “her house”. Snott, ever the voice of reason, (definitely NEVER thought I would type that sentence) says, “You do realize you’re married right?”
The voice of reason convinces me of the Apocolypse
Kim replies with, “He’s everything, on paper exactly what I want in someone, but for some reason my heart isn’t connecting.” Oh Sugar. It’s because you don’t have a heart. But never fear, I hear rich people can buy those on the black market. How has she not choked on gum in life? Kim again makes it all about her. She rambles about how bad she feels for changing his whole life, wasting every one’s money but that “people change their minds, people make mistakes.” Yes they do Kim. People make mistakes. But lets you and I not pretend that you made a “mistake”. You made TV ratings. At the cost of another person. You should be banned from life. I cannot believe how angry this person that I do not know is making me. Time to lighten things up with puppies.
Puppies/Jagermeister. Same thing.
Oh fuck, now Kourtney is crying. Snott makes me love him even more (damn you Snott) by saying the most logical thing of the season, “It was the image in your mind of being happily married at your age, you have a great career and you wanted to be happy…she obviously felt very pressured.” Then he removes my panties by saying “Don’t leave it up in the air anymore. Deal with it.” I likes me a man who is in charge. Rawr. And just like that I have an OMG moment. Snott looks JUST LIKE Christian Bale in American Psyco. Love that flick. Love freaky deaky men. (Tommy Lee remember) Puzzle pieces falling into place people. Into. Place.
Kim goes back into the “regular” part of the suite and apologizes to Kris. She says that she is going to fix her makeup and that they were supposed to go eat. Then she tells him that she has been crying. Kris tries to comfort her and says, “Yeah don’t start panicking. It’s alright.” Coincidentally the camera pans in and I happen to notice that HE is no longer wearing his wedding ring.
Circle the missing item
Kim decides that she has too much respect for Kris and that they need to “handle her issues privately”. Not THEIR issues mind you but hers. Remember that time I was all like, “Kill her with fire.”? Yeah, still.
Pretty inside AND out
Kris takes his stuff to storage. Instead of LA. Did I miss something? OH spoke too soon look – Kris makes me feel less confused about the space/time continuum by saying, “Kim has been acting weird and distant…and I felt like she was panicking. I was just over her. I’m ready to get a divorce.” Whaaaa? Say it isn’t so! I totally thought that 50 years from now we would all be sitting together and laughing about this shit.
Just storing stuff for the future kids
In a sad moment I must now confess that I actually read up on “the Divorce”. And in a fun little response to Kris’ last statement we have this – “Now listen, Kris obviously said this in frustration, so don’t think editing is going to make us all think he came up with the idea” – Kris Jenner. Bless her Delusional(tm) heart.
In closing Kim tells us that, “Kris and I feel disconnected and we don’t have the same friends, we don’t have the same interests. We don’t have really, a lot to talk about.” Oh sweetie, sure you do. You are just going to use lawyers to do it. Then she says, “Everything I envisioned my life to be, is now, not the fairytale I really wanted it to be.” Aww. I feel really, really bad for her because my fairytale of marrying Metallica, Tommy Lee and Shannon Leto while living on a female led polygamous commune that makes wine totally came true. Life is ALWAYS what we plan.
A love for the ages
End of season.
I would love to say it’s been a pleasure but mainly it has been an inebriated blur. Thank Chewbacca for his blessings. Thank liquor stores for being themselves. Thanks for hanging out with me and hopefully I have helped you all put money into the pockets of rehab owners.
Till next time,