Hey hey Gasmii. TheMiki here, taking my very first venture into the skanktastic world of the Kardashians. I have never seen a single episode of anything this family has done. Everything I know about them I know because Joel Mchale talked about it on The Soup. I’m not really sure what I’m getting myself into here, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to hurt. I’m only doing this because Flipit asked me to while I was adrift in a sea of not having a show to recap and working too much holiday overtime to bother looking for one. I made it through a whole season of Jersey Couture. This can’t possibly be any worse than that.
Dear Flipit, I’m still not over this. Love, TheMiki.
Our show opens with a montage of news clips about how Kim Kardashian’s marriage fell apart after like, three hours or something. News anchors make jokes, family members talk about how Kim’s got such a beautiful view on love, and Kim tells some reporter that she had to follow her heart. And then we get informed via text that it’s:
***dun dun dun***
So, correct me if I’m wrong here, but is the premise of this show just watching a fake marriage dissolve over the course of a couple months? Good lord, what is wrong with us? I would silently weep for our society but all those housewives shows have rendered me incapable of feeling any sort of emotions based on the the state of television.
This one was totes Tardy to the Party
Kim and her new husband Lunkhead are playing around in Los Angeles. We see her call him forceful while he takes her camera away, and then he picks her up and throws her around some while telling her that it will be hard to get rid of him. It all looks totally innocent and goofy, but you can tell that the producers are splicing together footage to make it look like he’s a controlling jerk who uses physical intimidation to get his way. That’s my impression after 2 minutes of watching this show anyway.
Other immediate impressions: Kim is a hooker-bot and Lunkhead has a nice ass.
Oh hey, we’re in New York now. The name of this show suddenly makes so much more sense! Now if only there were someone named Kourtney running around…
There she is!
Kourtney tells us they’re a bicoastal family, and my inner child giggles hysterically. Kourtney is living with this Scott guy, who if I remember right from The Soup is a total prick that drinks and cheats and yells a lot. Him and Kourtney have separate bedrooms, and their baby sleeps with Kourtney. Yay! Let’s give the kid attachment issues too, since growing up on the E! Network isn’t gonna fuck him up enough.
You can sleep in here with mommy and I’ll read you stories every night about what a worthless piece of shit your father is
Back in L.A. Kim and Lunkhead hop on a private jet and talk about joining the mile high club. And then they’re in New York to meet up with Kourtney and Scott so they can get moved in to the giant suite in New York where they will all be living together. I hope Lunkhead and Dickhead get along okay.
I’m sure everyone else on Earth probably already knows this, but Kourtney’s baby is named Mason. Kourtney just gained a couple of points with me for naming her child an actual person name. Sadly, the poor kid looks freakishy like his dickhead father.
Can’t you just picture this guy sexually harassing cocktail waitresses?
Lunkhead seems confused about Kourtney and Dickhead’s relationship, but Kourtney says that the passion fizzles over the course of how long they’ve been together. I call bullshit. Sure, the gross always hanging all over each other and making your friends uncomfortable part of the passion fades, but sleeping in separate bedrooms isn’t some natural part of being together for five years.
Also, is your child drinking a Mountain Dew?
Kim and Lunkhead waste no time waiting for the magic to fizzle out and instantly start bickering over who gets what space, and about Lunkhead leaving stuff where it doesn’t belong. Ya know, I really think these two crazy kids are gonna make it.
Kourtney and Dickhead are arguing over his having a cigarette on the porch. He tells us they’re natural marshmallow cigarettes to help you quit smoking, and I immediately check with Google to see if that’s really a thing. Turns out that marshmallow herb is one of the main ingredients in herbal cigarettes, which are tobacco and nicotine free. They are not addictive, but they are still bad for you because you’re still inhaling carbon monoxide and tar.
After Kourtney yells at him for smoking even those pussy fake cigarette, Dickhead says fine and throws his lit smoke off the porch. I’m sure whatever homeless person that landed on is super glad that you’re giving up smoking too, you assface.
But cigarette help me be a better caricature of a human being
The next morning Mason wakes Lunkhead up super early because his playroom is right next to their bedroom. That’s probably a stupid idea and all, but I cannot imagine any child is as loud as the E! Producers are making him out to be.
Could you at least take away his megaphone?
In case you were wondering if there was anyone dumber or more annoying than the Kardashians, we take a quick trip over to see Avril Lavigne’s fashion show. Bleh.
I’m wearing a tiara cause I’m so edgy and punk-rock
Later, Kourtney buys a bunch of organic food, and Kim and Lunkhead try to eat some of it, but draw the line at kale chips and “Some of those weird drinks.” Dickhead however, earns his moniker by screaming about how they should label all that stuff as shit (awesome word to be screaming in front of your just starting to speak toddler) and how he’s a human and they shouldn’t feed him like he’s a dog and he doesn’t even know what the hell a kale chip is. Wow. First of all Dickhead, the animal you’re looking for is rabbit. Dogs eat meat, and lots of it. You’d be stoked to be fed like a dog. Second, a kale chip is a CHIP MADE OUT OF KALE. God do I hate you.
Yeah, that face pretty much sums it up
In breaking news, people who get married after a month and who’ve never lived together tend to discover that they have different standards when it comes to housekeeping.
It’s time to go get some grub, and holy fuckballs, is Dickhead playing a character part? Like, I know these Kardashian shows are pretty much all fake and lame and everything, but it worries me that someone like him might actually exist. First he throws a fit over holding his own child because he’s wearing a three-piece-suit, and then when his baby momma asks him to just take the bag instead he says, “You want me to carry a BAG?” like she just asked him to fuck a fat chick or something. Please, someone tell me he’s not real.
C’mon! It’s an $800 dollar suit! It’s a 1200 dollar suit! It’s a 2,000 dollar suit…
The next morning Kim and Kourtney decide to go to a spa, where we find out that Kim suffers from the heartbreak of psoriasis. The spa is an Ayurvedic healing center, which is an ancient Indian (slurpees, not casinos) method of natural healing. The doctor lady says that Kim has too much fire spirit and needs cooling down, which is done by dripping oil on her forehead. Sounds to be like if she’s full of fire spirit you should maybe give her some antibiotics… Then Kourtney tells her to get an oil enema with her (gross) and says it helps get the toxins out of your body. And also they make you leak. Kim refuses. Wisely.
Pro tip: If you’re at a spa and you hear the words, “Just insert this into your rectum” then you should run away
Back at home Kim tells Lunkhead that they went to an Ayurvedic spa, and Lunkhead says that’s all a bunch of bullshit. Then Kourtney leaks butt oil all over their bed and Lunkhead farts in her face. Rich people are so much better than us, you guys.
You smell that? It smells like poor people. Hahaha.
Later that night, everyone is getting ready to go to a Welcome to New York party. Lunkhead is shaving Dickhead’s underarms for him (no, I do not know why) and Kourtney says he should shave his pubes. Dickhead says he doesn’t shave his pubes anymore cause Kourtney always thinks he’s cheating when he does. Then they just leave the pit hair on the floor, and while I am not a neat freak by any means even I would smack a bitch if he did that.
And that was the second time I got crabs
At the party Lunkhead seems awkward and nervous with all the photographers and microphones. He wanders off away from the press and when Kim asks him to come and do the cake he says, “No. You care about this, I don’t give a fuck.” Well good, so all these people are unlikable pieces of human waste then? Excellent, cause I’d hate to feel pity for one of them or anything. Scott starts drinking, and then he starts slurring and yelling and slur-yelling. He’s like the poster-child for eternal frat-boys. He gets pissed that Kourtney wants to leave early and tries to make her walk because it’s his car. It’s a dick move, but it’s not like these bitches can’t just call up a limo or something. They have a fucking private jet at their disposal for fuck’s sake. They don’t even wipe their own asses.
Hold on, I’m trying to find the sneezing panda real quick
The next morning Kourtney and Dickhead fight and she tells him she had to, “Literally lock my door.” That’s pretty crazy, guys. I mean, this isn’t like one of those times when she had to metaphorically lock her door or anything. She had to literally lock it. Literally. Wow.
Scott storms out and says he’s “Going home.” I think that means L.A…?
Do you even have a home, Kato?
Kourtney sees Lunkhead at the pool and tells him Dickhead stormed out and might be moving out. Lunkhead says he can’t live with two girls and a baby. Don’t worry Scott, there are plenty of camera dudes to keep you company.
Who’s gonna help me shave my pubes later?
Scott is going to see some dude named Jonathan who I guess I’m supposed to recognize or something. He bitches about how hard it is not sleeping in the same room and how he’s jealous of his own baby and shit. Back at home Kourtney is bitching about Scott to Kim, and Kim bitches about Lunkhead to her. Kourtney says she’s sick of it cause it’s always the same thing over and over again. Gee Kourtney, that’s crazy because after 45 minutes of this drivel I’m feeling the exact same way.
So is Chase. He stared at me like this through the entire show.
Time to visit the stores!!! Weee! Kim chooses a store meeting to announce that tonight they will all be doing naked yoga back at the apartment. I’m sure Lunkhead will be all sorts of stoked about that. Especially when a buff black dude shows up to do the naked instruction. They’re not really naked though… They’re just doing underwear yoga.
You don’t wanna know where they clip the mics if you do naked yoga
Then instructor dude takes his undies off and it turns into underwear giggling. Because penises are funny. Even Lunkhead laughs when he walks in, and asks dude if it’s cold in there. He asks Kim if they can talk, and Kim calls him immature. I kinda have to side with Lunkhead on this one. If I walked into my own house and found some naked dude posing in my living room I would probably want to have a word with my wife too. Welcome to life when you’re married to an entitled brat who has no concept of other people’s wants and needs. Maybe should have thought about that before the wedding.
Good… Now stretch and try not to stare at my junk and giggle and collapse and giggle and giggle
Lunkhead takes off to go to the bar and meet up with his buddy to bitch about naked dude in his living room. He goes back home and tells Kim that he can’t live with Kourtney and he can’t get his training done in New York, so he wants to go to Minnesota to get ready for the season. Kim says she will support him in his career, and she’s sad to have to do the long-distance thing but she wants him to be happy. Sometimes these kids pretend to be grown-ups for brief periods of time I guess.
The next morning Lunkhead packs up his stuff and heads out to Minnesota, leaving just the title characters there to Take New York by their damn selves.
Coming up this season, screaming, drinking, fashion, snakes, internet porn, alcoholism, sister-fighting, crying, psychics, and break-ups. Also, TheMiki may start throwing shit at the TV to get these bitches to shut the fuck up.