***The lovely and talented TheMiki has moved over to Celebrity Wife Swap. Some people just can’t appreciate gold (Kar)trash! Please welcome your newest recapper to save the day! Miss PearlBlackDragon!!
Let me start by saying that I have NEVER watched anything involving any Kardashian. That’s right, I was going in blind and virginal. OK…blind. Knowing what I know from the tabloids I knew that I would have to lubricate my brain a bit with a nice beverage. I did not realize that I would need several. Quickly and in succession. WHO BIRTHED THESE PEOPLE? And can we hold them accountable? Sweet Homer Simpson, this is gonna be ugly.
First up is Scott Disick. Char-ming. In a I need to bleach myself and shower kind of way. Scott gets out of his chauffeured car to walk amongst us commoners to go to a restaurant that he likes. And as he gets out of his car I wonder, who dressed you Scott? Who hates you almost as much as I to let you leave your home in that outfit?
If you take seizure medication look away.
Chewing his gum like a cow and her cud, along he walks past Steinway and Sons where he notices a rather large piano in the show window. He decides he must to go into the store to check it out. When the sales lady comes up to him he, oh so wittily, asks her what that smell is? Then he laughs and asks, “Wealth?” Stab him now. The piano that caught his eye only costs $1.5 million. A piano. $1.5 million. I could probably afford a key on that thing. If I give up wine. Which means I can’t afford anything on that piano.
Again Scott tries to convince his friend that owning a piano in New York means wealth. I beg to differ sir. If you have a piano that cost you $1.5 million in your apartment that means you are dumb. People are begging other people to take away their pianos for free on Craig’s List. Then you have a piano and wine. That is true wealth. Scott however, moves on from the status piano and looks at a baby grand. He decides that it will look good in his hotel room. HIS HOTEL ROOM! Who in the Sam Hill buys anything FOR a hotel room. Take things from them yes, but decorate them? No. This boy hurts my thinky part.
In a grand show of his wealth Scott whips out his wallet and tells the lady to, “Put it on my black.” Well Scott, I too have a black card in my wallet. It’s a $100 gift MasterCard that mommy and daddy gave me for Christmas. And just to bring things full circle I used it to buy my wine for this little venture.
Who’s the wealthy one now Scott?
Next up I get to meet Kim and Kris. Holy Penguins he’s a giant!! And she is not. That makes me question some sexual logistics and I don’t want them in my head. Unless they wanna show me.
Mommy, I’m skerd. And a little curious.
They are meeting up with some friends who I don’t care enough about to learn their names. They are playing ping pong at a ping pong place called Spin. Really? They have ping pong places? Apparently I don’t know the right people. On second thought I know the right people. We just aren’t this lame. Kim and some guy talk about another guy who is coming but not bringing a date. Because this is supposed to be a couples thing. But apparently this other guy hasn’t ever brought a date anywhere so they make fun of him. Because they, being dating ping pong players, have oh so much room to judge. The rest of this segment, that takes precious moments from my life, is just us watching various members of “the crew” playing couples ping pong. While non-date guy, whom much to my chagrin I learn is Jonathon, plays sad and lonely.
Doubles Ping Pong for one.
And I refill my glass.
Meanwhile, back at the
ranch hotel, Scott’s piano has arrived. Scott brags his joy to the poor gentleman working the elevator. And then I notice what Scott is wearing. It’s a purple jacket thing. And it’s horrible.
Does he not know any gay men?
Can someone not dress him properly? Please? (and before anyone yells at me for stereotyping gay men, my fake ex husband is gay. I even know a black gay guy. SO BACK OFF!)
We get a commercial, so I refill my glass. Then we get Kim and Kris – seriously I feel she is only married to him for the K. They are discussing Jonathon not having a date. Well, Kris is. Kim doesn’t care. Like me. I am sad that I have something in kommon with a Kardashian. Kris insinuates that Jonathon is gay. And he suggests that Kim must have assumed it. Kim states that she never insinuates anything and that she and Jonathon ,”Just don’t talk about it.” STOP. BULL PUCKY. In the last five minutes I have insinuated that I would end up in jail should I meet any of you. You, lady, have questioned things about your friends.
FYI – Looking down and to the side while talking means you’re lying. Ask Judge Judy.
Ooh. Now I meet Kourtney. Who immediately notices the piano. And asks Scott why the hotel brought them up a piano. I insinuate she isn’t the smart one. (I mean really she is sleeping with Scott – that in and of itself does not lend me to believe she has a brain cell). Then I get to learn that Scott doesn’t even know how to play the piano. (and this is where I stop being polite.) Fuck me. Really? He bought a piano for his hotel room to look pretty? Then, THEN, he asks, “ When do I have time to learn piano?” OOOOOH! PICK ME! PICK ME! When you are wasting precious time to choose your clothing? You could learn an instrument instead. In fact, learn an instrument instead.
Oh no. Kourtney tells Scott that a man who plays the piano is sexy. And then they start to talk dirty, porn dirty, to each other. I wish I did heroin. Jeebus, do I wish I did heroin to dull the pain of listening to this. I can’t even transcribe it. Long gross story short, Kourtney tells Scott she will do him on the piano if he learns to play a song. If he can’t, the piano goes back.
Some stuff happens with Bruce Jenner and the Spawn of Kourtney and Scott because Bruce Jenner is here for some reason. End of segment.
Kim, Kris, and Jonathon go to a perfumery to make their own pillow spray/potpourri. Which thrills Kris. And cements his feelings about Jonathon’s love of men. Apparently no man can love potpourri without loving men. Wow. I kinda agree with him. I mean I’m kinda a girl and you couldn’t make me go in a potpourri shop. However, several Queens I know would trample me to make their own pillow spray. Kris – 1 Jonathon – 0. Judgemental bitches everywhere – wine.
AAAAAAAAAAAAnd then Kris ask Jonathon,” Bro, are you gay or what?” To which Jonathon replies,”Why? Because I came to smell candles?” HAHAHAHAHAHA!
A man and his scent stick.
Then Jon gets all defensive and says that that question came from a really fucked up place. Kris tries to be sensitive and tells us that he just wants to know Jon better and thought he might want to share that part of his life with us. So Jon leaves all gentleman like. Now I don’t know if Jon is gay. My gaydar is confused, because any of the gay mafia I know would’ve slapped Kris’ ass for insinuating something on national TV that he hasn’t told gammy yet. Hmmm. The plot thickens and I need another drink. ‘Cause let’s face it. I need another drink.
Forty two drinks in. Or five. Whatever. I lose sight of caring about these people. Scott is learning to play a song. Twinkle Twinkle. Fucking cheater. If I had to do this douche on a piano he better be learning Moonlight Sonata. At least. Kourtney starts to fade too as she talks to the tall one that I SWEAR is a man in drag – Khloe. Khloe tells Kourtney about “regular” people who coupon. And because Kourtney is all about saving a buck Kourtney decides she must coupon. For things she doesn’t need – BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN A HOTEL!!!!! I, on the other hand, need to take these people to a deserted island. What happens on that island doesn’t need to be discussed in an open forum.
Kim and Jonathan are hanging out and, while getting half naked in front of him, she asks him about his preferences. He says someone with light skin. Oh well. That cleared that up for me. Thanks loser. Actually he does say that he doesn’t date much and he has never been in love. But he doesn’t let us know which team he bats for. I am starting to feel like Kim hangs out with Pat. Remember Pat? What’s that? It’s Pat!
Scott puts on a salon recital in a jacket that someone chose in the dark. After Scott finishes his cheater tune, Kourtney tells him that she’ll do him on the piano but that the piano has to go back afterwards. I am guessing that after Steinway and Sons see this episode Scott will be that piano’s forever home.
Kim and Kris continue to discuss Jonathon’s sexuality and Kris says he’s definitely gay or a serial killer. LOL Just when I think that one of them makes a stupid statement that no one else will top, the next one opens their mouth. Kim wants Kris to stop hating on Jon because, as long as he’s happy, it doesn’t matter. Well Miss K. Now that you have made an entire episode on it, it does matter. I NEED to know.
Kris and Kim go to Simon’s (dammit I learned another name) apartment and ask him point blank if Jon is gay. Simon says that he has worked with Jon for years and he never got the gay vibe from him. But then the genius Kris says, “Yeah but he’s not, not gay. Do the math.” Oh Kris. It’s a good thing you’re pretty because that whole brain thing isn’t working out for you. Dear Lord what is this world coming to when Kim is the brains of the operation?
More drinks for me and Kourtney decides she’s going to become an extreme couponer. Does Porche even print coupons? Prada? Barefoot Winery? But still she and Kim dress for the red carpet and go to the supermarket.
Throw in a riding scooter and a case of Little Debbie and this is exactly how I look at the market.
After filling her cart with things she doesn’t need, and denying Kim her instant Kraft Dinner Bowl (bitch), Kourtney finds she has saved only seven dollars. On stuff for a hotel room. That supplies said stuff. But now she can put that money towards getting Scott a stylist so…..
Jonathon goes to lunch with Kris and Kim. Kris half ass apologizes to Jonathon for the Great Sexuality Rudeness ‘11. Jon sort of says that it’s OK and HEY he has a date tonight. But it has nothing to do with the GSR ‘11. It’s just a wild coincidence. Also a coincidence? I need a refill. Not because I drank my wine but because my glass is empty. Kris and Kim invite themselves to his house for dinner to meet the Yeti date.
Kourtney is still on the coupon train and decides to meet a friend of a friend to trade coupons and learn some tricks. You have to meet people to coupon? I’m out. I can barely stand people I like, meeting strangers to trade coupons like Pokemon cards is just too far over the line for me. Unless we can do it with wine. Then, I am free on Saturday. The coupon club meeting seems to go well but when Kourtney gets back to the room Kris throws her coupons all over the place and reminds her she’s a bajillionaire living in a hotel. Aww cute. Kris’ one brain cell fired and spewed logic.
Kris and Kim go to Jonathon’s for the meeting of the elusive date. Who turns out to be a ridiculously hot model. Or escort. I vote escort.
Totally in Jonathon’s league. A legit “date” for sure.
Kris starts to question the poor girl like she’s a Canadian just trying to get to Florida for a holiday. LOOKING AT YOU US CUSTOMS! Then Kris asks her if she thought Jon was gay when they first met. Subtle like a rock to the forehead Kris. After they leave Kim has to explain to Kris why his gestapo routine was rude. Still sad that she is the smart one.
Scott brings lunch to the hotel only to find that Kourtney is out couponing. Scott is pouty and calls her a freak because she is spending more time with her coupons than him. Jeebus. Lemme lay this down straight. Fucktard, who buys a piano for a hotel room because it’s pretty, is mad that Kourtney is buying stuff for a hotel room. How have any of these people made it through natural selection?
Simon comes to the hotel and tells Kim and Kris how upset Jonathan is about the whole sexuality issue. Kris keeps saying that Jon’s gay and Simon says it doesn’t matter because they asked and Jon said he isn’t so problem solved. Not so fast Simon. Jon has NEVER stated one way or another. He just bought an escort. So it does matter. Why it matters to me doesn’t make sense but I smell Tom Cruise in the room so I have questions that need to be answered. Simon tells us that he was outed by a supposed friend and it was one of the worst experiences of his life. Which isn’t cool. But it does make Kris realize that he doesn’t want Jonathon to have an experience like that. Full circle Simon. You were hurt so that you could make Kris sensitive. You didn’t make me sensitive, I still need to know so your hurt was half worth it.
Kris then invites Johnathon to the hotel bar where he apologizes for being insensitive and they have a totally straight drink at the bar. Only one umbrella and cherry each.
Scott, Kim, and Kris decide that they need to hold a couponer intervention. They get Kris to hide her coupon binder somewhere she won’t find it. Up near the roof. Damned he is a tall assed freak. Kourtney soon realizes her precious is gone and she panics. Like, dingo took my baby panic. And she starts to tear the hotel apart. Scott figures that her little meth head show means that this is the best time for the intervention and throws her stock into a pile on the floor.
Half of the things I remove from a hotel room.
He thinks she should donate all the stuff to people who will actually use it. I was confused that he was making sense until I realized that Kris probably lent him the brain cell. Kourtney then decides she will only use the coupons in the Sunday paper for stuff she needs. And since we all know that she is a bajillionaire on TV she gets most things comped. Which means she quit couponing.
And that ends that. I feel my first time with the Kardashians was equivalent to a virgin’s first time with an entire fleet on leave. I feel dirty, I’m drunk and I just want to go home.
Until next time.
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