Next up tonight – Kim Takes Dubai
Kim and her mom Kris – wait – her mom is Kris with a K too? Does no one in the US give their child a normal name anymore? I would hate to be a teacher taking roll call these days. Kris K? Kris H? Vazline? Joyride? Little Debbie? I predict a lot of parent stabbings in the future.
Anywho, I digress.
Kim and her mom have been invited to Dubai for the opening of “Millions of Milkshakes.” WTF? Seriously? They need the Kardashians to open an ice cream place in the fucking desert? I wish someone would’ve consulted me on this. I could have save them dollars. This is how the conversation would’ve gone:
“Hello? Oh hi Dubai. You want to hire a pseudo celebrity to open an ice cream store? Bah! You don’t need a celebrity. You are selling ice cream in the desert. People will come. Trust me. Also, sell water there. It’ll be a hit”
Once again, Kim is leaving her newlywed husband behind. Once again,she says that she needs some alone time. Good thing you got married, huh? I totally understand though, as the reason I am single is so I can be with people. However, this time she is leaving her sisters Kourtney and Khloe to babysit. Personally, I would rather take a dude than my mom on some exotic vacation. But I have communication problems with my mom. Oh, wait.
Khloe arrives in NY and she is happy Kim is gone because she doesn’t want to fight with her.
Who Khloe? I adore her.
Not knowing these people from a hole in the ground I would say that is pretty normal for sisters so I won’t trash her. Yet.
Khloe tells us that she needs to get to know “Hump” better so that maybe she and Kim can work things out. HUMP! OH YES! I might like this man..er..sister. For some reason Khloe starts wants to find out how well Hump knows Kourtney. Not his wife, his sister-in-law. Um, weird much?
No seriously. I really want to have this conversation with you.
But then it gets better and Khloe asks him to guess how many men Kourtney has slept with. Not fucking awkward AT ALL. OK hate him..er..her. Then she tells Hump that he should ask them questions.
How did I get here again?
Khloe and Kourtney go shopping for their clothing line – fuck me. Who doesn’t have a clothing line these days? Well I guess someone has to keep third world children working. As they head back to the hotel they decide to annoy Hump because he is so annoying to them. Holy farts! All the guy has done is sit in a chair and refuse to play some backwoods dating game. How annoying. Khloe says that they are going to prank Hump because that is something he would respond to. Pass the pipe krazy. He didn’t like your first game he won’t like this fucking deluded one.
Eat all munchies. Mmm. Good.
Kim arrives in Dubai and her hotel room makes me weep. FUCKING GORGEOUS! And huge!
This is the fucking sitting room.
TVgasm needs to send me to Dubai to sell ice cream. Right Flip? You can come wiiiiith me…
Quick flash to NY and Khloe is stalking Hump. She is annoyed that he is taking a nap. Listen bitch. His wife just bailed on him for the second time in two episodes. He’s not napping he’s depressed. And he’s stuck with you so he’s probably suicidal too. Back up off him!!!
Not suicidal. Hiding.
Back in Dubai Kris the mom finally arrives. We get another look at the hotel suite I will be staying in while representing TVgasm in Dubai. (You know what they say – put it out into the universe enough and it will happen)
Kim and her mom head over to the opening of “Millions of Milkshakes” (never heard of it) and Kim comments that her mom is the perfect person to experience this with. Thank jaguars that she got married so she can experience things with her mom. At the ridiculously huge opening for Millions of Milkshakes Kim addresses the crowd and says, “I can’t wait to bring my friends, and my sisters and my brother back to Dubai.” Then she says, “Oh yes and my husband.” Good save there, bitch. Then for no apparent reason Kris comes onto the stage for her 5 minutes of glory.
These people are not here for Kim. It’s hot and there is ice cream to be had.
Meanwhile Khloe and Kourtney are onto step two of getting to know Hump. So they toilet paper his room. Someone fill me in. Is Khloe a short bus rider? Hump gets back to the room and is so upset that they tp’d his room that he calmly takes a picture.
Good one guys.
Kim and her mom Kris decide to ride camels. I personally have an aversion to camels as my pa almost died in a car accident when the driver that was taking them to the airport hit one – in of all places, Dubai. True story. I can only hope that that camel’s family is alive and well and still out to get a Western Infidel for killing their father/mother. And that Kim or Kris are the infidel that rides him/her. Unfortunately either of them gets thrown or eaten by one. Also unfortunate are the endless camel toe puns.
These are the shoes she chose to go camel riding in.
In NY Khloe is upset that Hump isn’t responding to any of her pranks. Probably because they are fucking stupid you troglodyte. So in his…er…her infinite wisdom Khloe went out and bought a snake to scare Hump with. Hump finally gets home and Kourtney cannot wait to see his reaction to the “little surprise”. As soon as he sees the snake Hump calls Scott and tells him that his girl has crossed the line. Scott asks,”Why did she pee on your bed?” Keeping it klassy Scott. Kourtney then goes up to the room and picks up the snake and chases Hump around the hotel room. In a perfect world that thing would’ve bit her ass.
This prank would make me cut a bitch.
Over in Dubai Kim has some press interviews to do. The best part was when the reporter asks if she would be interested in bringing her husband back to Dubai. She has this really long awkward pause. Then she tells us that since she has been in Dubai she feels like this giant weight has lifted off her shoulders and she is back to being herself. She doesn’t know if it is just because she finally has some alone time.
Why yes. I am totally excited to be a newlywed.
Khloe and Kourtney decide to take Kourtney’s Spawn to the zoo. They also think it would be a good idea to invite Hump. Give your fucking heads a shake you freaks! He doesn’t want to hang out with you. I don’t even know the guy but I can read the damned signals from this side of TV land. But they figure they need to have family day and they are going to force him to spend time with them. Truthfully that sounds like a real family day. Some one getting forced to spend time with their nearest and dearest when they would rather shoot fiberglass into their veins. Strangely enough Hump goes with. Not so fast. Quickly Hump becomes “that guy”. The sober guy at the family reunion. Punch him in the nads and be done with it already.
Just before they head back to the US Kim and Kris are having dinner. Kim mentions that she doesn’t know what to do because basically she has a sense of relief of being without her husband but that she can’t talk to her mom about it and she is so alone. Yup, being married sucks because it makes you all alone. Know what else makes you all alone? Being lost in the wilderness. Going on a solo flight into space. Eating cabbage rolls and then telling everyone they give you gas after the fact. Throwing feces. Being in a straight jacket. Wearing Axe body spray.
Meanwhile Kim and Kris are on their way to the airport to go home and Kris asks Kim if she’s excited to go home to her hubby. Kim replies, “No, not really.” Ruh-roh Shaggy. Something is wrong in paradise. SHOCKER! Kim then goes on to say that there is something in her relationship that just isn’t right and that she is learning a lot about Hump that she didn’t know before. HOLY FREAKING CHRISTMAS ON A CRACKER! No shit you silly little twit. You don’t know the guy at all!! You barely fucking know him. Now, NOW you’re concerned you don’t know him? Fuck me sideways. I just wanna punch her tit. And then she asks her mom, “Is this normal?” Kris says, “No Kim, it isn’t normal to not want to go home to your brand new husband.” Thanks Captain Obvious. Good thing she was there with this motherly kind of advice BEFORE the marriage. Oh wait she wasn’t. Fucking hemorrhoid.
And that’s where we leave off.
Little by little this family makes me appreciate my family and my wine more. Fucking hell.
Until next time.
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