Hey hey Gasmii, it’s CHRISTMAS!!! Well, at time of writing it’s Christmas, but I’m sure by the time this is finished and posted and read it won’t be Christmas anymore. As your present I would like to present you with a puppy porn tryptic I like to call, “So that’s where all the magnets keep going…”
Over in the land of gypsy whores, it’s time to take Mason to church and Dickhead is pushing to bring his offspring to a Jewish Temple, while the Kardashians are more into traditional Christian church. I wonder if there’s a fellowship for shallow ho-bags with no souls.
No, these are EVIL ho-bags with no souls…
Not to worry though, cause the bitches are going to L.A. and leaving the man-bitches home alone. The ladies want an agreement that the boys won’t have any friends over, but Lunkhead is not having any of it. They fight, they slap each other around, they continue to be completely devoid of any semblance of likability.
Just punch her in the throat and end this!
Ring ring… Oh hey, mama Kardashian is calling, and she’s got news. Turns out Jonathan, the friend that looks like the guy from GooGoo Dolls, is writing a tell-all book about Kim. Gasp! What the fuck could you possibly tell about a family that is followed around by cameras 24/7. Kim calls Jonathan to ask if he wants to go to dinner, but she doesn’t tell him why. Because girls are fucking freaks and they’re incapable of speaking fucking English. They speak in some weird passive aggressive girl language.
By “Come to dinner” I of course mean confess to stuff you may or may not have done
Kim meets Jonathan at some restaurant and asks him what he’s been up to. He says he’s been busy, and Kim says, “Doing what?” and she says it with that crazy girl-speak look in her eyes. After Jonathan lists off some random projects he’s got going on Kim starts balling him out for using her and before dude can stutter out three words she dramatically storms out.
Anytime a girl looks at you like this, she’s trying to set your soul on fire with her mind
Kim charges back into the apartment ranting and raving about Jonathan and his stupid book. She thinks it will be full of lies. I think it will be full of fake whores, and since they’re essentially just walking lies I guess she’s right.
Oh hey, Dickhead is meeting up with some Rabbis to find out about brushing up on his religion. And he’s chosen his best used car selling outfit, cause Dickhead dresses to impress.
I’ve got some great cars on the lot… We as a people love bargains, right?
Kim and Kourtney are sitting around discussing the finer points of passive aggressive Twitter posts. Fuck Twitter, y’all. I think these Kardashians are like Tinkerbell, only instead of needing you to clap for them (not that they mind applause) they need you to like and respond to their Tweets. Don’t be part of the problem.
Dickhead and Lunkhead go out to dinner with some dudes and Lunkhead thinks he’s having a party, which Dickhead is trying to talk him out of. Oooh! Rich people are so intriguing.
Kim and Kourtney are back in L.A. talking to Mama Kardashian about what could possibly be in this book that Jonathan is writing. Kim asks if they can call their own book publishers to try and find a copy of the book to preview. Wait, these bitches ALL have publishers? How do people that don’t know how to read get book publishers. This show makes me want to punch babies. No, scratch that… It makes me want to punch gypsies.
After this let’s give a recording contract to some Real Housewife who can’t sing. Oh, wait…
Back in NY, Dickhead shows up at temple, throws on a yarmukle, and awkwardly tries to participate in service. He says he enjoys it, although he looks pretty miserable. Dude, if you want to worship God and be miserable you should really consider Catholicism.
You people don’t celebrate your faith… You mourn it.
Back in L.A. the ho-bags are signing crap at a Sears opening. During the session Kim is having a Twitter war with Jonathan, but I’m more concerned that this many people had nothing better to do than squeal at useless E! stars.
You’re all part of the problem
In NY, Lunkhead is throwing a rockin’ kegger. Dickhead comes home from Temple to find an apartment full of overdressed fucks who probably just showed up cause they heard they’d maybe be on T.V. Dickhead pulls Lunkhead aside and tries to warn him of the impending cunt-storm that will be fucking up his world if the ladies catch wind of this party. You know… The super top-secret party with all the camera-guys. I’m sure they’ll never find out. No worries.
Okay, we’re on TV now. Where’s my book deal?
The next morning the house is trashed, but these are rich people, so that just means they have to call housekeeping. Man, fuck these people.
Dickhead gets a call from Kourtney and Lunkhead threatens to kill him if he says anything. Once again, there are cameras all over. There is zero possibility of this remaining a secret unless you smother those bitches in their sleep and/or burn down the E! Network. I’m actually okay with both of those options.
Save this guy first, and then burn it all down
Kim and Kourtney are still in L.A. and Mama Kardashian has gotten a hold of Jonathan’s proposal for his book. Turns out the whole book is about how to be an “it” girl and he praises his friend Kim pretty continually. Kim feels bad, but I’m sure she hasn’t learned any sort of a lesson about letting people talk when you confront them about an issue. Dumb skanks.
Parenthetically, I hate you
Lunkhead calls up some housekeepers, who get the place cleaned up but forget about a few extra vodka bottles that Kourtney notices as soon as she walks in. She asks about them, but Dickhead manages to change the subject. Kim keeps trying to call Jonathan but he won’t pick up. How unfair of him not to want to talk to someone who bashed him on Twitter and refused to let him get a word in when he hadn’t done anything wrong.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, later one of Kim’s friends emails her some pictures of the party that took place in her apartment while she was away. E! blurs out the monitor, but I suspect the pictures looked something like this…
Work of Art joke, cause sometimes I like to remember that television exists that doesn’t kill me on the inside
Kourtney calls Dickhead in and asks him if Lunkhead had a party. Dickhead tries to do his weasley Dickhead thing to cover for him, but he goes so far as to say that Lunkhead wasn’t home and he was the one who had friends over. Not sure what he’s trying to accomplish here, but let’s all watch as it blows up in his face.
Lunkhead gets home and Kim asks him about Dickhead throwing a party, and holy balls Lunkhead has the worst poker face in the history of ever.
Party? What’s a party? I was on the moon… With Steve…
After some deer in the headlights twitchy guilt-terror Lunkhead admits it was his party. Kim tries to eat his face off and Lunkhead calls Kourtney and Dickhead in so that he can absolve Dickhead of any wrong-doing. Bleh. Boring. Someone settle this via knife fight or dance off. Go!
The hybrid knifefight/dance-off. A thing of beauty.
Well that’s over. Dickhead is still trying to Jew-ify the house. Kourtney is resisting, although it seems to be less about religious intolerance and more about knowing her boyfriend is prone to impulsive trend hopping.
Kim heads over to see Jonathan because he won’t answer his phone to talk to her. She bangs on his door screaming until he answers. She comes in and does the fake girl apology thing where rather than saying she’s sorry she just pleads her case about why it was totally understandable for her to flip out and he shouldn’t be mad at her. Thank you, Kardashians, for reminding me of why I hate being attracted to women. You are everything that is wrong with girls, multiplied by a hundred and followed by cameras. I hate you all so so much.
Also, you’re dressed like a skanky Muppet chicken and it’s freaking me out
To his credit, Jonathan says he’s pissed that she didn’t just ask him about it and had to test him instead (Called that shit!) and that he won’t accept her apology and she needs to GTFO. Woot.
I wrote a nice book and you yelled at me and also my script says I can’t forgive you yet.
Kim heads home to whine to Lunkhead about how sad she is. He apologizes again for the party and says he learned his lesson. She tells him Jonathan “Literally” kicked her out, which I would have paid shit-tons of money to see. Lunkhead suggests she do something nice for him, and says she should read the book and write a super nice forward and send it to him. Awesome. Now quick! Someone teach her how to write!
She says writing this is really hard for her, which is evident when the clearly borderline retarded pro ball player reading over her shoulder starts making fun of all her grammatical errors. She saves the letter and tries to decide if she should send it, but Lunkhead sneaks into the computer and sends it to him. He shows up and they hug it out and decide to be BFF’s again. Kim actually uses the term BFF, which should be illegal for people over the age of 15. Hate.
You know we’re better with our fame whoring powers combined…
Dickhead decides to throw a traditional Jewish dinner thing and while Kourtney grills him on his knowledge of of all things Jew-y, Dickhead goes all temper-tantrum and says, “I’m the worst Jew ever. I don’t wanna do this anymore!” and storms out. Kourtney sits down with him and they talk about being supportive and blah blah blah. Jonathan comes over and there’s a dinner with some other people I don’t recognize and it’s not actually very interesting at all.
Run kid! Maybe a nice Amish family will adopt you.
Oh hey, and that’s the end of that. Next week, Dickhead buys a piano. I know you’re all on the edge of you seat, wondering what kind of piano and if he’ll play it and… yeah, I know, it’s crazy boring and no one cares. Let’s just try and get through this season together, okay?
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!