Kourtney and Kim Take NY Recap: Doublecappage

Hey hey Gasmii! I know, I know, my ass is so inexcusably late on the cappage. This happens every December. I start working holiday shifts (5:00am to 7:00pm) and every part of my life that isn’t work or sleep gets pushed to the wayside. I think I’ve sucked back enough caffeine to survive two hours of Kardashians, but if I get delirious please remember I’m pulling 14 hour shifts and I don’t have a day off until the 24th. Also, apologies in advance for sort of speed-capping to get us caught up. I promise to be a more attentive recapper once the holidays are over.

Okay, ready for some dumb rich people who don’t have to work at all? That sounds exactly like what I should be watching when I get home. I’m sure this won’t lead to any blind fits of rage on my part or anything.

Do you think my roommate will be pissed if he comes home to this?

So last week Kourtney and Kim moved to New York with their mens, but by the end of the episode their mens was gone. Kim is explaining to these two boys she’s friends with about the whole hubby in Minnesota situation, and the really gay one is freaking out about how detrimental the distance will be to their marriage. Then Kourtney comes in and the same twink asks her where Scott is. Wow dude, way to be the Duke of Uncomfortable Questions.

How was your trip to the free clinic?  Have your crabs cleared up?  Did you know your sister is prettier than you?

Kourtney gets a call from Dickhead’s dad, and daddy Dickhead is pissed because his plans to go the Hamptons for the weekend are getting messed up. You’re going to The Hamptons, man. Shut the fuck up and enjoy getting to do so without the incredibly douchey fruit of your loins.

Oh, and Khloe’s here! She’s going to The Hamptons too, and she’s been talking to Dickhead. Khloe tells Kourtney that he feels like his renewed relationship with alcohol is making Kourtney treat him like crap. And there’s a flashback where he punches a mirror and gets wheeled around a hospital, so I’m guessing he’s maybe a hot-mess sort of drunk.

Let me go so I can go drop a chainsaw on a hooker

Now that Khloe is done judging Kourtney, she’s turned her freaky sasquatch vision on Kim so that she can talk about how she took time off from her own job to spend time with her husband, and Kim should go to Minnesota to see her man. Fascinating stuff, this.

Here, look at some cleavage

The next morning Khloe wakes Kim up and Kim is an evil snatch about missing an hour of sleep. Shut the fuck up, bitch! I’m running on three to four hours of sleep a night, and now I’m gonna get even less sleep because I’m up recapping what your worthless asses do on camera.

Wake up , you lazy gypsy tramp

Khloe and Kourntey head out with baby Mason to visit The Hamptons and Kim calls Kourtney’s phone and starts screaming about getting woken up on speaker phone. Khloe tries to argue, but Kourtney wisely hangs up. Then they mock their sister’s husband and giggle. Teehee.

I mean, what kind of a dumb bitch marries some basketball player she’s only known for a month, amirite?

Kim is texting venomous rage at Khloe. Khloe says she’s BBMing her, and I have to look that up cause I assume it’s something interesting, but it’s just BlackBerry Messenger. Really? Just say texting you pretentious twat.

Oh hey, the house in The Hamptons is actually Dickhead’s parents’ house. Jonathan, the friend that looks like the lead singer from GooGoo Dolls,  comes out and says that Dickhead is still sleeping, and then they gather to discuss him, because all rich people ever seem to talk about is whichever one of them isn’t in the room.

Could someone take Mason out of here?  I really wanna trash on his outfit.

Kourtney sends Mason to wake daddy, because it’s always easier to have a toddler do your dirty work. They glare at each other a little, because rich people are all passive aggressive.

Oh hey, Kim’s in Minnesota with Lunkhead. Kim tries to get Lunkhead to admit he misses living with her, but he seems pretty stoked on Minnesota.

This is his super stoked face

Back in The Hamptons, Kourtney is trying to clean/organize the Dickhead parents’ house. She says she’s being helpful, but I would slap the shit out of her if she did that at my house. Actually, I would slap the shit out of her if she were ever within slapping range, regardless of what she was doing at the time. She’s being a bitch to Dickhead, but that’s pretty much always deserved, so I can’t really fault her for it.

Khloe is some sort of bossy nosy control freak or something, so after telling Kourtney that she should talk to Dickhead, she then calls Dickhead in and has that conversation for her. Stay out of it, Khloe! Jesus! Is she always this annoying, or is she being an extra big attention whore because she’s in some different city with less cameras than usual following her around every day?

I’m starving… For attention!  And also burgers.

Whatever, the happy couple hugs it out, so we can all rest easy.

Over in Minnesota, Lunkhead and Kim play house and cook dinner. Lunkhead fondles a sausage and asks if this is what it feels like to be married. Hehehe.

Yep, this is pretty much marriage right here

They bicker a bunch about the living situation, and the bickering is a great preview of what it’s like to be married. Lunkhead tries to make Kim feel bad about not being as dedicated to her marriage as Khloe. And then Kim BARELY cuts her finger and we have to pretend like it’s interesting in any way shape or form. God, rich people are SO BORING!

Oh hey, and apparently Kim and Khloe are super competitive, which is girl speak for fucking hate each others’ guts. Khloe rants for ages about how not competitive she is, and she says she’s upset about how Kim hasn’t even BBM’d to say she’s sorry. Holy balls, is this girl on the BlackBerry payroll?

Look at my Blackberry!!!  Now someone at Motorola send me a damn check!

Speaking of cell phones, does anyone else hear, “Walking in an orgy wonderland” every time this commercial comes on?  Cause you will now…

The next morning Dickhead’s parentals are out of the house, so Kourtney takes that moment to start throwing away all their shit. What in the fuck?

Start with the lamp, then throw away the shithead boyfriend

In Minnesota, Kim decides that she needs to have a talk with Lunkhead about their living situation . They get in a fight and Kim starts packing her shit and crying and saying she’s going home.

And also, BOOBS.

Once the tears start flowing Lunkhead decides he can maybe try living in New York under different circumstances. Take note ladies, if showing off your boobs doesn’t work then just turn on the waterworks.

Tears plus titties equals winning the fight

Back in The Hamptons Mommy Dickhead comes home and wants to know where all her stuff is. Khloe says this is super uncomfortable and she needs to leave. Yeah, I agree, that is so beyond weird. Mommy Dickhead talks to Dickhead about how his girlfriend is an inconsiderate snatch with no boundaries, only she says it nicer than that. Dickhead agrees to talk to her about it.

That night they go on a date with a couple friends, and being the Dickhead that he is, he brings it up by making fun of her and belittling her in front of their friends while they’re out to dinner. Gee, I can’t imagine why your lady doesn’t want to hang out with you more.

And her boobs aren’t even as big as her sister’s

The weekend ends and everyone heads back to the penthouse in NYC, and Kim comes bearing a Lunkhead. Lunkhead leaves the sisters to catch up with each other, and Khloe and Kim immediately start sniping at each other and being passive aggressive ho-bags.

There has to be something more interesting than this to point the camera at

Okay, one episode down, one to go!

Kim wakes up and decides that since she’s out of birth control that’s a sign that it’s time to get pregnant. I think that’s just a sign that it’s been 30 days since you filled your prescription, yeah?

Hey look!  A sign from God that I should stop taking my heart meds.  My doctor will be stoked to hear I’m cured.

Kourtney pulls out Dickhead’s computer and  finds that it’s full of porn. The ladies giggle like it matters, and Lunkhead tries to claim he never watches porn. Kourtney gives Dickhead shit for watching lesbians and threesomes. Then they start theorizes about the kinky shit Khloe and Lamar do. Gross! What is wrong with this family??????

THIS IS NOT NORMAL SISTER BEHAVIOR!!!

Kim takes Lunkhead up on the roof for breakfast and tells him she wants to make a baby. Lunkhead seems uncomfortable, because he’s clearly a asshole for not wanting a child with a woman he’s been married to for 36 whole hours. Make a commitment, loser! He says yes, and thank god we already know that this unholy fame-whore union doesn’t result in bringing a new fame-whore into the world.

Oh god, this is a thing.

The Kardashian Gift Card from Sears:  For when you want to say, “I hate you, but I’m obligated to buy you a present.”

At lunch we get to hear Dickhead talk about jerkin it to internet porn. Well that’s appetizing… Kourtney will not let the whole lesbian thing drop, which makes me think that she badly wants to bring a girl home, but she wants to convince Dickhead that she’s doing it for him and not because she actually wants to.

Yep, this happened. But it was on some other Kardashian show so Kourtney has lost all memories of it.

Oh hey, Mama Kardashian is here! She’s gonna be on the Today show and she wants Kourtney to come with her, but Kourtney doesn’t wanna go. She volunteers Dickhead, who seems uber stoked to wake up at 5:00am.

You’ll just have to call in to… wait… What the fuck do you?

Lunkhead is having a boys night, and HILARIOUSLY put their dinner reservations under Oliver Clothesoff. Who says professional athletes can’t be witty and clever?

Dude, let’s ask that waitress if her refrigerator is running

Mama corners Kim to dish about her new hubby. Kim tells her she’s gonna get off birth control, but Mama seems less than stoked on the idea. She tries to tell her it’s a huge responsibility.  She’s right.  I mean, you have to hire nannies and write checks to boarding schools and pretend to pay attention to your child while the cameras are on you. Plus there’s the whole choosing which gossip rag to sell your first set of baby pictures to thing… It’s a big decision.

The hardest decision any parent will make… People or Star.

Mama and Dickhead wake up at the buttcrack o dawn and go to meet that one drunk lady who slurs stuff with Kathy Lee during the tenth hour of The Today Show. Dickhead stands off to the side and watches some old ladies do some day-drinking. The harpies harass Dickhead about how he’s not married, and Dickhead starts talking about Kris like he wants to bone her or something. It’s creeping me out, and now I can’t get over the idea that he’s jerkin it to fantasies about a mother/daughter three-way.

If I want to watch and old lady get drunk before noon I’ll go have breakfast with my mom

Kourtney is at a fashion show, talking to her female friends about Dickhead’s lesbian porn. Methinks the lady doth protest too much…

It’s hard to describe what the ladies were doing to each other… Here, I’ll show you

Mama and Dickhead go to lunch, and Mama tells Dickhead that she’s going to teach him Spanish because of her Mexican heritage. Dickhead says he didn’t know she was Mexican and she says, “I’ve been to Mexico.” Wow. The force is strong with this one.  And by force I mean overwhelming stupidity.

Me and my sister, showing off our “Zombie Heritage”

Over at the penthouse, Kim is telling Lunkhead that she doesn’t want to raise their chitlins in Minnesota, and that she’ll never move there. Lunkhead doesn’t want a nanny raising their kids, and then basically guarantees himself a night on the couch by saying, “Khloe would do it” about staying home with the kids. Just in case that didn’t land him in the doghouse though, he tells her that by the time their kids are old enough to be in school that no one will care about her anyway.

The truth hurts, hooker-bot

Kim goes out to lunch with her friend Lala, and Lala finally manages to convince her that maybe she should give the marriage a week or two to settle before reproducing. Thank you, Lala. You are the wisest woman named after a Teletubby I know.

Back at home, the conversations between Dickhead and Kourtney has finally turned to the possibility of bringing another girl home. Oh, just eat some muff and shut up about it. Jesus.

Kourt and Dickhead go out for some drinks. Kourtney is drinking a LOT while Dickhead stands around watching. Then he turns into the fun police and decides it’s time to go home. WTF? Your drunk girlfriend was talking to hot girls, which is what you wanted, and now you’re freaking out about it? Oh yeah, you’re an idiot. I forgot. No wait, that’s a lie. I would never forget that.

Drunk chicks are all so gay

Back home, Kim is taking a full coverage bubble bath in full make-up, just like everyone does, ya know. That’s totally normal. Lunkhead comes in to gush to her about how much he wants to start making babies. Kim looks around all nervous like.

I always bathe in six pounds of eye make-up

Later Kim calls Mama and tells her that she’s gonna stay on the pill. Hey, is it normal for girls to spend this much time talking about decisions before they even make them? I have never experienced this sort of constant thought sharing, but I mostly hang out with dudes so I don’t know if it’s typical.

Kim starts taking her birth control again, and we end the episode with her stressing out about how she’s going to tell Lunkhead that there won’t be any Little Lunkheads running around any time soon.

Okay kids, once again I apologize for the delayed cappage.  Now I’m off to bed because I have to be up in five hours and I’d love to spend at least four of those hours asleep.  Love you all for reading this nonsense.  Good lord, this show is bad.