So this week is mostly our varied Kardashians and their partners talking. While eating food. And someone saw fit to make this an entire one hour episode.
I think it only fair to warn you all that in the interest of good recapping and turning something BORING into something fun, I have invited my Russian pal Stolichnaya to join us. Za vashe zdorovie Stoli!!
First in the preview I find out that Scott and Kourtney don’t sleep in the same bed together. Interesting. I wonder if that means Kourtney is as grossed out by Scott as I am? Or is he grossed out by her? It could be either way. I wouldn’t fuck either of them so I could see it from both sides of that vomit covered coin.
Kim has arrived back stateside. shot
Hot. Get it?
After confessing (in a totally not made for TV moment months after the fact) that she is having mixed feelings, Kim has decided that she just wants to take it all in and see how everything is “vibing” with her husband Kris. And so she leaves him alone in the kitchen eating a salad to go hide in a bedroom and talk to her sister. shot
I love hanging out with my wife. And by wife I mean salad.
Kourtney informs Kim that her biggest supporter Khloe had a talk with Kris. But rather than speaking to her husband about it she should ask Khloe what happened. Um HELLO? The fucking Hump is in the next room eating. Go fucking ask him. Jeebus H. Fettuccine. But Kim can’t ask Khloe because she is no longer a Kardashian and can’t be on the show.
Which one of these things is not like the others?
JUST kidding. Sort of. Kim feels that like, she has soo much going on, that she like, doesn’t have time, to like revisit thisKhloe drama. It’s OK though because Khloe is ignoring Kim and also eating, so that is one more person Kim can’t communicate with. Seeing a kommon denominator here Kim? shot
Quality time with my new husband. And by husband I mean sister.
Then there is some obligatory stuff with the Spawn. For someone (Kourtney) who freaks out when the press takes pictures of Spawn she sure does let him in front to the camera a lot. Douche-bag hypocrite. I believe in the sanctity of children so I refuse to discuss him or show pics of him. shot
Scott and Kourtney try to sleep in the same bed. Scott claims it’s because he’s a bad sleeper that he can’t sleep with Kourtney. Uh huh. Fucking liar. I don’t like people in my bed either. GET OFF MY SIDE OF THE GD BED! But I don’t lie about it. I just offer up a sleeping bag on the floor and say suck it up. Instead of trying to work something out, Scott goes and sleeps on the couch in Khloe’s room. WTF? You can’t sleep on the floor of the room with your baby momma and your Spawn but you can sleep in the same room as your baby momma sister? FISHY! Khloe decides to stick her nose in yet another person’s relationship by taking control and trying to do something about the sleeping arrangements. Don’t like being poked in the back/forhead/mouth/vagina with a stick all night hey there Khloe? shot
Scooott. You can’t sleep in my room. And by can’t I mean come over here.
Meanwhile, the blissful newlyweds have a new issue. Kris has left their room messy. Kim gets upset that every time she picks up after him, he just makes a mess again. And he’s probably doing it on purpose. LOL welcome to living with a man Kimmy. Kris tells Kim that he was trying to leave her a message. What’s the message Hump? That you are a slob? Received loud and clear. One thing not loud and clear? what’s in my head going out my fingers onto the keyboard. Only one solution. shot I’ll fix what i remeber to but no promises.
Love letter to my wife – Kris Humphries
HOLY FUCK. No more shots. Stoli is going swimming in Coke zero for awhile.
If I have to be dizzy, you have to be dizzy.
In a effort to kommunicate with her husband Kim goes to lunch with gay/notgay Jonathan. Aaaand the first thing Jon asks is if his hair looks terrible. So straight I could use him as a ruler. Or a towel boy in a bath house. Taking the time to discuss her relationship that is in the fucking crapper Kim goes on about how Khloe is on her last nerve. And that her tone is just so crazy. Wait! I was there when she wasn’t talking to you. What tone are you talking about? Silence? Fuckity fuck lady. The not gay gay then mentions that Kim DID flip out on her the last time she was in New york. And she calls her ugly. HAHAHAHA! Swesome! Jumping ahead it turns out that Kim called Khloe a troll. Brilliant! But alas, Kim didn’t mean it. Thank goodness she didn’t mean it. It doens’t mean that I’m not calling Khloe “troll” from here on out though. Not gay says that Kim should just apologise to Troll but she is konflicted. I mean why be nice to her if she’s not nice to me? So glad I don’t have a sister. I thank Jeebus everyday for the brother the mailman brought me.
Kris the mom shows up to some press thingy for Sears. I love the Sears Wishbook. To this day I don’t feel like Kristmas is here until it arrives. Do you remember the old ads in the Sears catalogues? They should do those more. Also, did you know that Sears used to sell cars in their catalogue back in the day? Me either. Google that shit.
The Sears Porn ‘Stache.
Kris the mom tries to get the girls to make up. In a mom way. Fuck that Kris. I call cage match to the death. $50 on Troll.
A pretty Troll. If Troll was a wrestler named Chyna. Scary resemblance no?
Kourtney, Scott and Hump discuss the awkwardness between Troll and Kim. Hump actually tries to defend Kim by saying how if people really knew Kim you would know that she always says things she doesn’t mean. Aww how chivalrous. Sadly Hump, when she asks you for a divorce in about a week, she’s going to mean it.
I think I can hear how much Kim loves me.
More eating. This time with Kourtney, Troll, and Scott. Troll tries to dig deep into the sleeping arrangements. (thank fucking hell for spell check bitches. holy cripes stoli is giving this whore a brain workout) Scott says he’s jealous that Spawn is the man in Kourtney’s life and thinks she’s obsessed with her son. Or she’s a mom. Fucking please douche. Bitch likes her kid in her bed. I would rather bed bugs as opposed to Scott. Kourtney’s choice is a less itchy, painful, and disease spreading sleep. I agree. Dammit. I hate when they make me agree with them. And holy fuck they make me drink a lot while watching them. I would sue them to send me to rehab but I like drinking. Which means I actually have a reason to like them. Someone should start a suicide watch on me. Or prepare for the apocalypse. Because with the way this shit is going one of those two things are happening.
You know it.
Kim wants Hump to hang out with her and Notgay but he refuses to go saying he has to work. Kim mentions that ever since her conversation in Dubai with Kris the mom she has been working hard to be with Hump and “get that feeling back”. WHEN?? I have been forced to watch this while drinking but I am not so drunk that I don’t know that you have been spending time with everyone BUT him. Bloody delusional bitch. I’ll have what she’s having kthnxbai.
Spending quality time with my husband. And by husband I mean Notgay.
Meanwhile Scott and Kourtney are at their “New York therapist.” R u fucking kidding me? They have a New York therapist? How many fucking therapists do they have? And why has noone sought to kommit them? There is some talk about how they need to get Spawn into his own room and Kourtney begins to cry. I feel ya girl. I would cry if someone tried to make me sleep with Scott for my own good too. Dammit. AGAIN I feel for her. Seriously though, if stoli is going to make me feel kompassion for this girl I am going to have to switch to Tequila. He, at least, would just make me want to fight them and puke. I can live with that. (stoli is now swimming in sweet tea and sprite – just thought I would keep the updates rolling) Scott mentions that rather than move him to his own room his mother would have moved him out to the city. Ooooh, so many mommy issues, so much explained!
Revoke my license.
Kim walks in to eat (quelle suprise!) a corned beef sammy. She joins Troll and Kourtney. Troll wants to know what exactly corned beef is. In all of her wisdom Kourtney explains that it is beef that lives close to corn.
Sincerely. I mean it.
Thank fucking stuff! Now she’s dumb as fuck again and I can go back to hating her. I didn’t really want to break up with Stoli so this relieves me. In the most half assed way possible Kim says she’s sorry if she said something offensive. Troll however declines the gracious apology. Then Troll astutely notes that mayhaps Kim is not necessarily mad at her but is acting out due to other issues. Somebody has the braincell. (have you guys noticed that the drunker I get the bigger my vocabulary gets? weird. I should totally take an IQ test right now for shiggles)
Me, Shakespeare, and Stoli. Making sense since 1585.
Kourtney and Scott decide they are going to try to sleep in the bed together again and they succeed. Yay I guess. Except that Spawn was also in the bed all night. Fail ya freaks!
Scott and Troll are discussing the success when for no fucking reason at all she shows him her boobs. while they discuss testicles. Doesn’t fit in with my fishy theory at all.
Now, I want you to look at my boobs in a sisterly way.
Scott, Kourtney, Kim, Hump and some freakass friend are all out to dinner.
Whothefuck and WHY?
Kim requests some “fun drink” but with no alcohol. STOP. RIGHT. THERE. There is no such thing as a “fun drink” that contains no alcohol. Fucking airhead. The waiter asks her if she enjoyed the drink that she isn’t drinking and she says yes. Hump calls her out on being polite. LOL. What a douche-bag. He angers Kim with that komment leading her to tell us that he always has to stir up something to get attention. So fucking pay attention to him, asshole! It’s fucking 2 year old 101. Pay attention to the little shit and big shit won’t happen. Good lookin’ out on that kommunication thing. Even Kourtney notices the bullshit drama. (losing my vocab. time to set stoli a-swimmin again)
So happy together…..
Kourtney decides that she needs to end the fight between Troll and Kim. Seriously. WTF is with these bitches messing in each others lives? I need to call the mailman’s least favorite son and tell him how much I appreciate him. Just a sec. I have to pee.
K’ I’m back.
Kim makes a completely sincere apology. (this is where a sarcasm font would come in handy)
I meaaaaan it. Even though I can’t stand to look at you.
Kourtney and Snott (ha! total typo that I am keeping for ever and ever amen) call her out on being insincere. Snott thinks she is embarrassed about the things she said. Making me agree with him. Just a sec. I find that since I have agreed with him and I must go pull apart my Lady Schick and end this farce I call life. Or I will drink more. I decide on option two and this recap kontinues. The bitches fight some – with no cage in sight I might add – until Kim calls Troll “shady”. That makes Troll walk out because apparently “shady” is worse than bad. Lord love a duck. These girls have no idea how to REALLY fight. They fight the way I talk to my best friend – all the time. And that is why I will never speak Lezbanese. Girls are too fucking sensitive. Sorry men of the world, I am fucking with your gender for the rest of my days. You should hide n’ stuff.
Your shirt is broken.
Hump brings a pizza back to the hotel and eats it like a fucking cow. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH YOU FUCKING TROGLODYTE! Kim tries to tell him about the sister drama. In his ever supporting way Hump says, “they’re going to make up eventually” and that “he already hates Khloe” and “isn’t going to get involved emotionally.” Kim tells him that she doesn’t want him to fight her fight, she just wants him to hear her out. Really? You can’t stand to be near your husband but now that you have a problem you need him? Selfishmuch? Then Kim gets mad because he is just “dismissing it”. For fuck’s sake. This chick is more self involved than me and that says A LOT!
Ladies and Gentlemen, 3 time 4-H winner….Bessie!!!
Troll, Snott, and Kourtney discuss the previous night. Troll mentions that she has never been rude to Kim. Um remember that time you completely fucking ignored her? That is considered rude in some circles ya door knob.
Um, how is ignoring someone rude?
Snott figures that he needs to get involved in the sister drama. He feels that if he were to jump in the middle he would end it quick and easy. He’s going to talk with Kim and tells her that she has too much going on and that family is everything and Kim just needs to take a step back, chill, and enjoy her life. Lord, when did he grow a vagina? Be a man and let the women folk work it out Snott.
Are you fucking insane?
Snott refutes my last statement by jumping on Kim as soon as she walks in the door. He is all over her like ugly on an ape. He tells her that her shitty attitude will not get her far in life. She says something about not having time. He rebutts with,”Time for what? Your family? Your friends?” I have to be drunk. Fucker shouldn’t be making this much sense.
“Uh-huh, yeah. That’s totally important. After this txt.”
He mentions that she is pissed off at the world for no good reason and that she doesn’t seem that happy anymore. He also thinks that she is taking out her issues on everyone else and that she is colder than she used to be. Then, THEN he says that he thinks Kim needs to realise that her family is there for her if she would just give them a chance. On that note, I am stockpiling for the end of days. When Snott makes this much sense I don’t see much hope for the planet.
And then the Angel Gabriel came unto me and said,”You? Oh FUCK.“
Hump goes for manly pedicures with some friend. He moans and groans and it grosses the fuck outta me. Ew. Hump tells his friend that Kim’s been acting weird since she got back from Dubai. But he thinks that it has to do with the sister drama. Oh you poor sweet fucking idiot. You are in for one fuck of a shock. LOL.
Even I know they are getting divorced and it’s not even next week.
Hump goes back to the hotel. Kim is eating (why aren’t these people fat? All they do is eat. I hate them.) Hump tries to talk to Kim but she will barely speak. He says what we are all thinking, “Well this is awkward.” Hump asks her why she’s acting funny, but Kim just says,”I’m not. I’m just eating.” FLAG ON THE PLAY! For all both of my male readers that right there is woman speak for FUCK OFF ALREADY. Ohh girl is not in her happy place. I, on the other hand, am feeling no pain. Thanks for asking. Hump then tells her that she is acting strange and instead of trying to talk to his wife he leaves. They seem so happy. Their divorce shocks me.
I can totally read body language. This marriage is forever.
After her heart to heart with her husband, HA just kidding. Kim goes to Troll and asks to talk. But before she even starts to speak she starts crying. Ooooh good ploy. Get sympathy then fake apologise. This bitch is a fucking pro.
Baby Jeebus? It would really help if you could give me tears right now.
She apologizes for being mean and basically regurgitates everything Snott accused her of. Then she slams us with, “I don’t like who I am in my marriage.” Well, I haven’t really paid attention to her until 4 episodes ago so I can’t really say but I have never liked her. Then she says, “My gut and my heart are telling me that I did this too fast and didn’t know what I was doing.” Troll thinks that both Kim and Hump got caught up in a moment. I would say that is sage advice but a Google search tells me she married some dude named Lamar after knowing him for two weeks. Obviously the right person to talk to about a quicky marriage. These people are un-fucking-believable!
“You should listen to me. This really ugly headband gives me insight n’ stuff.”
Kim then channels Snott again and reiterates that she has been mean to everyone and she owes everyone an apology. Troll pulls out wisdom and says,”Yeah.” Then Troll asks if Hump notices any kind of difference. LOL! Are you kidding? He thinks things are all because of you, Troll. Poor kid has no clue! Totally funny in a sad way. Troll then asks if Kim wants to see how things are once she gets back to LA. To which she replies,”I don’t know.” Aaaaaand scene!
So that’s this week. And since we all know what happens betwixt Kim and Hump I will do next weeks recap for you right now – Kim asks Hump for a divorce. Because she hates his face. The end.
OK fine. I’ll be back next week but with something stronger. Trust.
P.S- I’d like to thank my good friend Stoli for hanging out with us this evening. Love ya buddy!
Till next time,
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