Kourtney and Kim Take NY Recap: Much Ado About Nothing

This week there are two new episodes on Kourtney and Kim Take New York.

The first episode is called “Cats Away”.

We catch up with Kim and Kourtney as they work out at a gym.  Kourtney is complaining that the paparazzi in NY is worse than the paparazzi in LA.

I hate when people watch me.  Are they looking?

I bet it must be stressful.  I mean to have a bunch of people following you around and documenting your every move.  Thank fuck they have a TV crew with them so that we can see how hard it is. Is it time for me to crack a bottle yet?

The girls rush back to the hotel and complain to Scott that it’s so haaaaard not having a moment to breathe and that they need to get away from all the hustle and bustle.  Of having a chauffeur, and never cooking, and getting everything comped.  But it’s all being photographed by the paparazzi and it’s haaaaard. So they are going to Mystic, Connecticut. Well, not they.  Scott and Kris can’t come.  It’s a sister weekend.  Because it’s only hard for them.  Snotty bitches.

The foursome go for drinks and Kris tells Kim he got an offer to make “an appearance” at a nightclub – in Toronto.  What the fuck is an appearance?  Because, if it is what I think it is, I am not being paid for all the “appearances” I make at my local liquor store.  Feeling a little cheated here.  Kim doesn’t like the idea of Kris going because Kris will be around “all these drunk people” and drunk people are lame.  Consider yourself uninvited to any family function that the Dragons host Kim.  “All these drunk people” are kin.

Kim not being lame.

Four seconds after the girls leave Kris convinces Scott to go to Toronto but they don’t have to tell the girls.  Actually he tells Scott to grab some balls because he doesn’t want to go alone.  Yup, that’s a ballsy thing needing someone to hold your hand.  Scott, being a baby because Kourtney didn’t want him on her sister weekend, says that his is going to go to prove isn’t whipped.  Manly men up in here.

The girls arrive in Connecticut.  The first thing Kim asks, as they are checking out their room is, ”Isn’t there a TV in here?”. I mean, really, how else is she going to watch reruns of herself? Kourtney opens an armoire to find an “old school TV” from “like 1942. Kim the Wise says, “Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  But I think that was like 18 or 17 not 19.” Kourtney snickers and corrects her letting her know it was 1442.  BOTH WRONG YOU FUCKING AIRHEADS!! It was 1492. Jeebus.  Kris and Scott must have the braincell.  Kim then replies that she was never good at history.  I, for one, am fucking shocked that she knew they were discussing history.  As they leave to visit an aquarium, Kourtney comments that Kim’s dress is cute but she shouldn’t wear her hair behind her shoulders.

Definitely the hair that ruins this outfit.

Scott and Kris arrive in Toronto where Scott is already letting the douche out.  He starts drinking like he belongs in my family (which I admire), however he then starts to speak as if he is in a 1998 music video.  “Holy shit. This place is poppin’.”, he says of the RESTAURANT.   Lord this man is a train wreck.  I want to look away from the carnage but I might see a severed hand so I peek through my fingers.  Kris just hopes that things go smoothly.  Honestly, how can sneaking off to another country without telling your wife you were going not end well?

Dear baby elephants, we catch a glimpse of Scott in his dinner attire:

Douche-wear for dinner.

The girls go to an aquarium with Kourtney’s Spawn.  Thank goodness they can get away from people keeping track of their every move.  And comping stuff.  Did anyone else notice that these hard done by ladies are on one of those behind the scenes tour that every one gets at aquariums?  Must be rough.  Thank goodness no one is documenting their hardships.

At the club people are doing things that people do at clubs, while Kris and Scott make the “appearance”.  Which is basically hanging out drinking and dancing on a raised platform.  Deer Knuckle gets paid for this shit? FML.  Now I need to correct myself because Scott isn’t really dancing.  He is doing this:

Classy.

Meanwhile in Mystic Kourtney and Kim are at dinner.  Being a perfectly lovely dinner companion, Kim is ignoring her sister while checking her phone.  Thank goodness they are having this sisters weekend that they really needed.  Kim sees that someone tweeted “It’s crazy up in here, Scott Disick and Kris Humphries just walked up in here.”  Said tweeter must attend the 1998 music video speak class that Scott took.  Kim is upset and is having a hard time trusting Kris after the party incident.  I don’t know or care what the party incident is. I am willing to bet that marrying someone you have barely known a year is also helping out with the trust issues.   Kourtney doesn’t want to jump to conclusions and wants to have an adult conversation with Scott first.  HAHAHA.  Reread that sentence.  An adult conversation with Scott.  This girl must be having a stroke.

Delusion-O’s.  Not just for breakfast anymore.

Scott is sofa king drunk and making a Scott idiot of himself so Kris decides that it is time to leave.  As he needs to step up and be the responsible one.  Because going off to another country without telling your wife sets one up for being responsible.  As they leave Scott can’t wait to use the restroom so he pees in a garbage can in a stairwell.

 Thanks for visiting Canada Scott.

Then he kicks it over and yells “I am fucked up!”  Lightweight bitch.

As the boys head back to NY, Scott is feeling the effects of his night o’ fun and describes himself as feeling less than shit. He feels like the little things that are in shit.  Ah yes Kourtney, this is the mouth that you stick your tongue in.  Yummy huh?

Kourtney and Kim are on their way back as well.  Kim is being ridiculously over dramatic about the breach of trust. Seriously Kim?  You left your newlywed husband at home because you needed to get away and he is the asshole?  He did the same thing you did.  He went away.  But he at least asked you to go with.  Logic is also something she is not very good at.

No regrets.

Driving back to the hotel after landing in NY, Kris realizes that he should have told Kim before he went and that he will understand if she is upset.  Even though he didn’t get mad at her for ditching him.  He tries calling her and she doesn’t pick up.  Fucking Murphy, that’s really mature.  Way to work on your marriage skills Miss K.

The girls arrive back at the hotel and Kim goes on a  hunt for Kris.  Kim tells Kris how mad she is that she had to hear that her husband was out of the country on Twitter.  He says “stop stalking me on Twitter”.  YAY KRIS!  But then his testicles climb back into her purse, and he apologizes and says he’s going to make more of an effort to communicate.  He should have added,”Like answering the phone if you call.”

I am totally listening to you bitch..er..dear.

Kourtney and Scott have their adult conversation.  His excuse is he didn’t think she would care where he was.  LORD LOVE A DUCK.  Sounds like a petulant teen girl.

Shh.  Adults are having a conversation.

But then Scott apologizes and tells us that he really loves being “on a leash” because he doesn’t know where he would be if he wasn’t on the leash.  Um, an off leash douche park?  But then he says what he loves most about Kourtney is that she knows what he really needs.  Jeebus.  Did he show real emotion?  Nah, must be editing.  Or the wine.  Or both.

Go refill your glasses, and get whatever you need to keep going because we have another one of these to get through.

Until next time.
PearlBlackDragon

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