Kourtney and Kim Take NY Recap: Voices From Beyond

First up I need to apologize to yuse all and Flipit for being so late with the recap.  The PBD computer decided to eat my homework.  And then die.  Now that I have a new computer and it is all ready to go I will get us allll caught up.  Yay?  Also, thanks to my good friend The Bitchy Cow I will be writing with my friend Lemon Gin who will be swimming in Fresca.  What up Bitchy Cow!!

We catch up this week with Kourtney and Kim as they walk the streets of “the good part” of New York. You know, with the good stores.  Four seconds in and I am already guzzling.  Thanks Kourt!  The girls reminisce about the hotel The Plaza, as that is where their dad used to take them all the time.  You know where my dad used to take me as a treat?  No where. I got to set up a tent in the back forty and pretend I was camping.

Probably not as cool as fake camping.

It’s the anniversary of their father’s death and New York reminds the girls of him.  Awww.  Kim mentions some friend Jill (why do I keep learning things about these people? At work I can even talk about them with some sort of authority. Make it stop.) Jill apparently knows some guy named John Edwards and he is a medium – WAIT I know who he is! I LOVE Ice Loves Coco and Coco went ape-shit to meet this guy.  Now before I get too excited Kim has to explain to Kourtney what a medium is.  First corned beef and now a medium.  And little girls look up to these unintelligent tarts.  Then Kim says that she doesn’t believe in psychics but she would meet with a  guy if he could communicate with the dead.Holy fuck. It’s like Dumb and Dumber but dumber.

The Kardashian sisters on a good brain day.

 Kim says that with everything she has been going through, she wants to connect with her father and see what he thinks of everything.  OOOOOH PICK ME!!! He will tell you that you are a fucking asshole and to smarten up, get off my TV, and he loves you.  Probably in that order.  I should go into the medium business. Even though I am more of a large.

Kim says that Hump doesn’t want to see a medium.  That he is too religious and he made a “conviction from God”.  Can’t even make this shit up. Kourtney too has reservations about meeting this guy also but Kim tries to convince her.  Her selling point?  John is a really smart man.  You know.  That guy she has never met.  She must be psychic even though she doesn’t believe in them.

Hump’s sister Kaela is coming to town (ANOTHER fucking K) and while on the phone she asks him what they can do while she’s there.  He mentions that he goes to the gym in the morning until “12 or noon”.  Well now I’m curious – which is it Hump? 12 or noon?  Dumbass ballsack. Kim comes in and Hump complains about her boobs being everywhere.

Hello ladies.

She complains that he didn’t tell her his sister was coming.  He needs to communicate those things. Hump says, “I live here too, I don’t need permission to do stuff.”  LOL somebody is feeling a little bit like a kept man and needs to assert himself does he?  Kim says her “work week is crazy” (yeah it’s crazy going places to eat while a camera follows you around). So she doesn’t know if she is going to have time to hang with them. Hump says, “Take the ten minutes you spend with me and spend it with her instead.” So. Awesome.  Passive aggressive at it’s finest people!

Kourtney and Snott are “going for a stroll” in NY and they decide to get a cartoon of themselves done so that they can hang it on the wall. Apparently this is the first photo of them together  – and it would be really hard to cut a still from the hours of video put on my TV.   So full of the fucking insane.  Snott wants to have a picture of them, but Kourtney doesn’t want any pictures in her house “because they’re cheesy”.  How in the fuck did I get on Snott’s side of the argument again?  He just wants something normal and he insists that they get a portrait.  Pretty soon I am just going to have to admit to myself that this nauseating person is the most normal one on this show.  Not now.  But soon.  Maybe after some more LG.

Kinda cute actually.

Kim gets on the phone with Jill to set up a meeting with John Edwards, I don’t pay attention because I finally see this bitch’s ring.  OH MYLANTA!  It’s fucking huge.  Like, bigger than my ass huge.  I can’t seem to pay attention to anything else.  Holy mother of someone.

I could buy Canada with that shit.

Hump’s sister arrives and she is a husky young lass.  That family breeds ‘em big.

“Hi Kaela! You look….pretty.”

Kim doesn’t stay to play hostess instead she goes to sleep.  “Team Hump” want to go see NYC but Kim is having a hard time with Kris so she doesn’t want to let another member of his family in her heart. What a rude bitch.  Howinthefuck does she look at herself in the mirrors?

The next day Kris and Kaela leave to go sightseeing and in a move that makes me want to high five him, he tips off the paparazzi that Kim is leaving in a minute so they might want to stick around and catch her.  Five awesome points for Hump!

I love my wife.  You should go harass her.

Snott and Kourtney go to get their portrait done.  Snott messes with Kourtney and because she thinks pictures are cheesy takes her to get an “old school” painting.
Because Kourtney lets Snott have his painting, Snott decides that their relationship is doing great. And to prove how great their love is when Snott leaves the room Kourtney tells the artist to give him a unibrow.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  So into these two.  So hating myself.  Note to any cults out there – apparently I can be convinced to drink Kool-Aid.

Old School Classic.

Kim is “too busy working” to see Kaela and blows her off by saying, “If I get an opening, I’ll come see you.”  Burn her at the stake.  Please.
While “working” Witch gets a phone call from John Edwards.  John Edwards wants to meet Friday and Kim says she’ll “move anything around to make it happen.”  So she’ll do that for a medium but not her sister-in-law? Good prioritizing there lady. Yeah, this marriage breakdown is allll Hump.  Whointhefuck is back and all she can say is, “Cray.”

Seriously.  Whointhefuck?

 Also, I notice Witch is wearing broken eggs on her neck.  Leftover snack or spell preparation?

I wonder if the spell will work without baby tears.

Hump and his sister go eat where he hits on the waitress and orders pigs in a blanket because he loves those.  Which is why he sleeps with Kim. Rim-shot! I’ll be here all night folks!

Oooh.  ‘Cause in my bed my wife is the pig in a blanket. I get it now. Heh. Heh-heh.

Kaela asks if Kim is mad at her because they haven’t hung out and all Kris says is “she’s busy at work.”  It becomes really awkward because Kaela really wants to hang out with Witch and Hump has no idea what day it is let alone the fact that his wife hates him.

I think therefore…wait…huh?

Kim who has made time to babysit Spawn, tells Kourtney about John Edwards and she wants come. Kourtney don’t wanna play no voodoo. And this upsets Witch – of course. Witch expects support because it’s what she wants.

Kourtney and Scott lay in bed, eating chips and cupcakes. Or my diet food. Snott calls Kourtney a little jerk. Which is my favorite insult in the whole world to people I like. This is the worst day of my life. I have something in kommon with Snott and I kinda can stand him.  Burn me at the stake.

How are they not fat? Fuckers.

Snott is downstairs eating breakfast while Kaela watches in silence.  They make some lame ass small talk.  Kaela mentions that she hasn’t seen Kim at all and Snott tells her that Kim had no idea that she was even coming to visit.  Kaela looks confused. Or her version of looking confused for “reality” TV.

Oh, well this is awkward.

Kaela decides to peace out early and texts Kim “Hey Kim, I’m so sorry I came out here during a bad time for you, we’ll hang out next time.” Hump says he’s almost home and they’ll talk about it. Kommunicating now? Konfusing. Or maybe he’s gonna tell her off. That would be fun. Witch says that Kaela wasn’t supposed to leave yet and it might be because of her. Ya think Fuckballs? Hump kinda sorta gets mad at Kim and reminds her that she could’ve made a little effort with his sister since she makes time for everyone else. Witch agrees and turning it back on herself asks if “she hates me?” Kaela might not but I sure as hell do. LAWS this woman is awful. Hump gets another five points when he says, “I’m sure she doesn’t hate you but she probably hates your too busy for anyone attitude.”  Yay Hump!

So into my wife right now.

Snott’s portrait arrives, and he goes into a diatribe about how important it is to him to have a picture of them together.  He’s quite pleased about it actually.  So Snott unveils the portrait to everyone.

Snott is mad because of the uni-brow? Has he seen this?

 And they gave him a uni-brow.  As everyone laughs, Snott gets really mad because this was really important to him.  He storms out while screaming about respect and stuff.  Kourtney reveals it’s actually tape and it can be removed but Snott is MAD.  Then while respecting his decision that he wants to put it on the wall she mentions that she is sending it to his parents and they will be thrilled. Do these women not listen at all? Do they realize they are making me stand up for Snott and like him? FUCKING RUDE. And my armpits are itchy so I am extra annoyed.

That fucking awesome picture was wicked important to me.

Hump, in a moment of lucidity, tells Kourtney that she really should apologize. She kind of apologizes and after promising Snott he can put the portrait up in the house in any room but the living room, Spawn’s room or their room Snott gets happy-ish.

You can have it in the house but not where people will see it OK?

To make it up to Snott, Kourtney has Witch – who has found some free time away from her busy schedule – take a nice picture of them on the roof.  And I am sad to report that not one of them jumped.

Kim tries to talk to Kris about John Edwards and but he is PISSED so he leaves. She tries to talk to him but he is having none of it and while she holds the elevator he heads for the stairs. Come on Kim. You should know better than to mess with a so very obviously religious man. Kourtney somehow found a braincell and mentions to Kim that, “I don’t think normal people hate the people that they’re with this much.”  Holy freak. If Kourtney can tell something is wrong then shit is for realz yo.

So if Kourtney is right, I must be wrong.  No, that can’t be right. I’m confused.

Kourtney and Snott discuss Kim seeing John Edwards. Snott tells Kourtney that it isn’t about her and that she has to support Kim because obviously she is going through some stuff. Dammit. It’s official. I’m drunk and I like Snott. While he is still a douchebag he is a caring, reasonable douchebag. Holy fuck, I must need to get laid because my standards have hit a new low. And this is coming from the bitch that is in LUST with Tommy Lee.

Cheers Luvah!

Kourtney tells Kim that after speaking to my new BFF Snott that she is willing to do the John Edwards reading with her. They become nauseating and like each other. Gross.

We’re so close now.

Mr. Edwards arrives at the apartment and I realize that I had the wrong guy.

This is John Edwards.

I meant James Van Praagh.

This is James Van Praagh.  Not. Even. Close.

I would be embarrassed but really how many celebrity mediums can there be? Although, apparently more than just the one.

John Edwards wastes no time and goes straight into the reading. He sets the ground rules by asking the girls to “not jump in by agreeing or filling in the blanks.” Then he continues by asking them a bunch of questions where they need to fill in the blanks. Wow, the word legitimate does NOT scream out at me. The simpletons buy into his bridge selling and the reading seems to really affect both of them, but I also can’t help but notice how a lot of the things John Edwards says is about how mom Kris did a great job raising them and that she wasn’t completely to blame for the divorce. ReadtabloidsmuchJohnandsellinganewbooksoon?

Deep reality.

THEN he asks, “Is somebody pregnant now?”  He says that someone is announcing the baby. He then says that it’s probably Khloe who is knocked up.  (spoiler) WRONG!  LOL. But in a fun little dig it is brought up that their dad doesn’t believe in divorce. The guy that divorced their mom. So many hypocrytes, so much of my brain exploding trying to make sense of these people.

As soon as he leaves Kim breaks down into tears. She says, “ I honestly feel like I can’t do this anymore with Kris and honestly feels like I got into this way to fast and I don’t want to be married anymore”

I don’t wanna think about someone other than myself.  It’s so haaarrrrdddd.

Dun-dun-dunnnnn!

Join me again tomorrow for the finale.  I wonder what happens? I bet Kim and Kris work it out and become the best couple ever.

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